Remembering the girl leaves me down and lonely
Send it in a letter, make yourself feel better
But it’s not so bad
You’re only the best I ever had
- “Best I Ever Had” by Vertical Horizon
The scent of her remains with me as I wash away the aftermath of our love making. I love feeling the warmth of her. I love knowing that my manhood fits perfectly inside of her walls like no other man she’s ever had before me. The sound of her voice as she moans my name brings shivers to my spine as I remember it. God, she can sound like an angel.
I feel the shower curtain pull back and I smile to see her green eyes dancing as she joins me. Her delicate hands find my back and she kisses my shoulder gently, “Mmm,” she moans softly, turning me around to face her, “kiss me.”
I don’t hesitate. My wet hands find her cheeks and I pull her lips to mine. Immediately her tongue parts our lips and she explores me seeking a destination, I kiss her like this will be the last time I’ll ever see her and she kisses me like she’s ready to devour me whole.
I break our kiss for a breath of air and she pushes me against the tiles, wrapping her legs around my waist, I instantly feel my little friend becoming erect once again. I close my eyes and inhale the scent of her as her mouth finds my neck. “God, I love you.” I groan now, eager to rapture her.
She pulls back from my neck and places her hands onto my chest, I can hear her smiling and I open my eyes to see her staring at me in a daze. “I love you, too, baby.” She kisses my cheek briefly, “You know I‘ll always love you.“
The memory of this sends a shock of pain to my heart and I immediately snort more of the substance - trying to get a high so that I can’t remember her anymore. Once that numbing feeling starts to take whole of my body, I lie against the cushions of my couch and sigh. Damn, that’s exactly what I needed.
I wipe my nose and lick my crusted lips. I feel Sara Jean move beside me and I know where she is trying to get to - I move out and grab her arm, stopping her. “Don’t test me.”
She moves back instantly and I hear her pout. Oh fucking well. If she didn’t put any money down for this shit then she gets none - I don’t give a fuck if she’s giving me the pussy with nothing expected in return - that’s her dumbass making that decision, not me.
I can hear Trace snorting now and I open my eyes to see Sara Jean fingering the cloth on her shirt. I guess she expects me to give a shit that’s she upset. “What the fuck is wrong now?” This bitch is always complaining about something.
She scowls at me. “You won’t let me do anything with you.” She moves closer to me and I instantly push her back, I’m not in the mood for her nasty ass right now. “I just wanna feel how you feel, baby.”
Trace reads my mind, “Then put some down on it, girl.”
Sara Jean sighs. “I can’t waste my paycheck on this - I got to take care of my kids.”
I roll my eyes and wave her off. “Blah-blah-blah is all I’m hearing right now.” She stands from the couch and stretches her arms and when she does this, I see nothing but stretch marks gracing her flabby, white stomach. I scrunch my face in disgust. My limits on who I fuck have lowered, extremely. “How many kids you got again?”
A smile graces her features. “Six.”
Trace whistles and I’m really even more disgusted by the notion that she would rather spend her days with me, fucking, than be with her children. What a fucking slut. I no longer want her ass around me. “Don’t you think you need to take your ass home?” My buddy is saying this as I close my eyes yet again.
I hear her chuckle. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She doesn’t even attempt to kiss me goodbye as I hear her leave my room. Thank God.
She was getting on my nerves.
“That’s the dumbest broad I’ve ever met.” I say out loud, my heartbeat increasing.
Trace is moving about the room and I open my eyes to see him cleaning the mess we made with our latest friend, cocaine. That’s the thing about him - he is a fucking clean freak. He’ll clean anything if he sees it is out of place. “Well, you keep fucking her, so she must not be that dumb.” He pauses for a moment, “Wait, I take that back - if she’s fucking with your ass, then she’s got to be an idiot.”
I choose to ignore his last comment, “She’s got some good pussy but I’m not gonna take money from her anymore cause she needs to use that for her kids - damn, I forgot she had that many.”
My friend stops and turns to stare at me briefly, “Maria called me today.”
I fight the urge to roll my eyes. Maria Kennedy has been a thorn in my side for I don’t know how long. She’s a fucking goddess, this is true - she’s built like a supermodel with a face like Princess Grace. I had the chance to fuck her ass when we was together but that was back then when I was a punk and believed in taking things slow - now, she just calls Trace because for some reason, they happen to like each other.
Friendly bastards.
“She was yelling my ear off about her sister, Sadie.” Yeah, I keep forgetting they’re related. “Bro, you didn’t tell me she was related to Maria or Zora.”
“So what?” I smile remembering how stupid Sadie looked when I called her out the other day. “They treat her like she’s fucking Queen of Sheba or something. That bitch isn‘t shit but a waste of oxygen to mankind.”
He chuckles but then turns serious, again. “Yeah, but still. Maria says that her sister’s got some major personal issues with herself.”
“Not my problem.” Why the fuck is he telling me this? He must have a thing for the fat girl. I shake my head and look to my friend - hell no, he would never stoop that low - even Trace has his limits.
Okay, I know I went too far with messing with the girl. I could tell she wasn’t so secure with herself - I mean why would she be? She looked absolutely hideous. Never in a million years would I have believed that she was related to that fine ass family of hers.
“I told her I was going to say sorry to the girl.” I look at him like he’s lost his fucking balls. “We know her sisters, J, plus they’ve tried to hook your ass up too many damn times for us to diss their sister like that.”
Maybe he was right. Well, that was his ass, not mine. I’d said my peace to the ugly girl and I didn’t care to give a rat’s ass anymore how she felt about anything. Bitch needed to become a woman, not a scared pussy ass little girl.
* * *
Maria and Patrice invited me to join them for the night at their little condo across the hill from Zora’s place. I had begged Zora to join me but she refused, citing that she needed to spend some quality time with her son.
So it was only the three of us and I felt mildly out of place, especially with where the conversation was going right now.
“That position is so uncomfortable for me!” This is Maria speaking and I have endured their talks of sexual positions for the past thirty minutes and I feel like I am going to vomit - I have never known some of those things were possible with the human body but of course Patrice has done everything in the book.
Patrice sips on her diet coke (if she drinks soda, she automatically drinks diet because she is afraid of her shape…why I do not know) and snorts. “It doesn’t feel right cause you’re not flexible - I told you that yoga does make the sex life better - a hell of a lot better.”
Maria ponders this for a minute before smiling. “Have you ever used the metal balls?”
I choke, loudly. I do not want to know what they’re used for. “Can we change the subject, please?”
Patrice looks over to me and stares at me blankly. “Are you still a virgin, Dee Dee?”
A rush of blood rises to my cheeks and I turn my face from their view, but not quick enough so that Patrice don’t see me. “Yeah, you are. Its cool, baby sis.” She moves to the floor where I’m sitting and pats my thigh and I glance up, she pinches my nose and I push her hand away, trying to fight my smile. “Its nothing to be ashamed of - you just should’ve told us.”
I bite my lower lip. “Its embarrassing.”
Maria shakes her head. “No, it isn’t. I lost my virginity at sixteen in the backseat of James Malloy’s car at a Christina Aguilera concert.” I giggle and she glares at me. “I felt so bad, Dee Dee, cause I’d given it up so easily - its good that you’re waiting.”
I want to laugh in their faces and say that I haven’t even thought about waiting but first there has to be a guy who’s interested in me and maybe, I can have my first kiss before I jump into the sex part. I’ll probably be a virgin all of my life - maybe I could be like Mother Theresa?
Patrice’s voice brings me back to reality, “I lost it in the garage at our folks place when I was fifteen.” Maria belches and Patrice makes a disgusted face. “Say excuse me, you nasty whore.”
My sister flips Patrice off and starts to speak to me. “Trust me, sex is overrated, it is so not cool.”
“Shut the fuck up, Maria. You sound like a jackass - we just spent all of this time talking about how good riding the ding-a-ling is and now you’re saying its overrated? Make up your fucking mind, slut!” Patrice throws her now empty can of soda at my older sister.
I remain quiet and watch the interaction between these two. Maria scoffs at Patrice’s statement. “I was just saying that shit to keep the conversation going and I-”
My other sister interjected, “You’re the one who brought it up!”
I guess Maria started feeling like she was being put on the spot because she stood up from her sitting position and began to walk to her room, “I don’t have to hear this bullshit - cause that’s what it is - complete and utter bullshit.” I know she’s just playing as she makes a scene now because while she is doing this, she has a huge smile on her face.
Patrice waves her off like it doesn’t faze her and turns her eyes to me. “Let me be honest with you, Dee Dee - sex is fucking awesome…when you’re sharing it with someone you care about and you know that they care about you.”
I glance to my thighs and notice how huge they look with these blue jean shorts on - I feel instantly insecure of myself. “I don’t think I’ll ever have that.”
“Bitch, please.” She wipes her mouth and stands from her position on the floor, stretching her arms while doing so. “Its just not your time yet.”
I don’t get my hopes up because I know that even though my sisters believe I’ll find my prince charming - I know I never will. Its just not made out in the cards for me - not for a girl like me, it isn’t. “I wish I could find someone and live happily ever after like in the movies.”
Patrice suddenly is laughing and staring at me incredulous. “Bitch, that shit isn’t real. That’s your problem right there, you think love is based on those damn movies - its not. It isn’t a fairy tale beginning or ending, Sadie - love is a rollercoaster and either you’re in for the ride or you’re not.” She shakes her head at me while she heads into the kitchen, getting another diet coke. “Get your head out of your ass, Dee Dee.”
Well, that was rude. She didn’t have to put it that way. “Um, okay.” That is all I can think of to say because I am at a loss for words - Patrice can be a real pain in my side and I know she means well but she has no communication skills whatsoever. I get the courage to speak now, “If you guys are so good at hooking people up then why aren’t you guys with anyone?”
I hear her whistle as I say this and she returns to my side with a diet coke and a ginger ale - for me. I take it and open it, taking a sip. “That’s a low blow, girl…even for your ass.” She giggles softly and then shrugs her shoulders as she thinks, “I know Zora doesn’t have time for men, well now, all of the sudden she does but before she didn’t. Maria just chooses not to date right now and me, well I’ve been in some shitty relationships in my time and now I know what I want and what I can’t accept from a man so I haven’t found what I’m looking for yet.”
Slowly I speak, “Isn’t that being selfish, though?”
“You think so?” I nod my head and she rolls her eyes. “Well, I don’t care. I’ve had to do a lot of learning from each man that I’ve been with - and I appreciate that because I’ve learned things about myself along the way but I’ve also learned that my ass is not about to put up with a lot of shit.” She sighs softly, “I’m twenty-five, Sadie - I want a husband not a man still playing games with my heart and with his own.”
This is the most open and the most that I’ve ever talked to my sister. She is opening up to me right now and she isn’t even drunk - amazing. I feel comfortable enough to ask her this. My heart is beating rapidly now. “You think I’m ugly, Patrice.”
“Girl, shut up.” Is her automatic response.
I push her slightly to show her I’m not joking. “Momma always thought I wasn’t pretty like you guys…and I’ve never had a boyfriend, ever. I think I never will, either.”
Since I open this up to her, I expect her to make some rash comment or go call my other sister and they make a few jokes about the situation but instead she becomes completely serious. “Sadie, you listen to me and you listen to me good - our mother is a dumbass, I love her but she’s stupid - you’re beautiful, Sadie.” She pinches my fat on the side of my stomach and I instantly push her hand away, she rolls her eyes now. “You’re just insecure of yourself and that’s what scares a man off - a man wants someone who is sure of themselves and you’re not, Dee Dee.”
My eyes water and my hands begin trembling. “How can I be?”
She rubs her fingers over my cheeks and grins. “It doesn’t happen overnight - you have to build your confidence. I’ll help you, okay?” I nod my head. “But from now on, don’t ever think for one second that you’re less than your family because honestly, Sadie - you have more heart and beauty than all of us combined - don’t forget that, babe.” She kisses my cheek and heads to her room and I instantly place my face into my hands, tears escaping my eyelids unwillingly.
I didn’t expect her to say something like that but I needed to hear it - I needed to know that one day my insecurity will fade and that I will be able to stand up for myself against others. She thinks I’m beautiful. Patrice, Ms. Beauty Queen, thinks I look better than her and my other sisters - when she told me this, I knew she was just being nice, she had to be.
I thought of that creature - Justin. He had hurt me tremendously with his words because he knew nothing of me but my physical appearance and he immediately saw me as a target for harassment. I deserved more from a man, if that’s what he called himself. I deserved respect. And I would get it. I had to get it. With my sisters help, I will no longer put up with the crude comments and the disrespect from others, mainly men. I was a woman. I was a Kennedy.
I was a beautiful woman, if not to others around me, I was to myself and my family - and I would demand respect, even from that creature himself and most importantly, he’ll give it to me.
* * *
