Crazy, how you, make it all alright love
You crush me, with the, things you do,
I do, for you, anything too.
Sitting, smoking, feeling high.
And in this, moment, ah, it feels so right
“Crush” - Dave Matthews Band
What have I gotten myself into?
Staring at my reflection in the body size mirror in Maria’s bathroom, I shuddered with distaste. I don’t even recognize myself anymore - I cannot believe I let my sister convincing me into doing this.
After the incident with my mother and talking to Trace, I wanted to get away from the house so when Maria extended an invitation to spend some quality ‘sister time’ together at her place - I jumped at the chance. If I had known that when I got there she would have an outfit for me and have plans to go out to some dance club, I would have never left the house.
But here I am - and it feels as if I’m going to cry because I don’t like what I see in the mirror right now. I wanted to shy my thoughts of my mother and at the time I thought that if going out partying could do just that - then I was all for it.
I’ve never been a party girl which I’m guessing anyone can obviously tell. The only parties I’ve attended are my own family birthday gatherings and I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count. On my eighteenth birthday, Zora wanted to celebrate by taking me out to one of her favorite jazz clubs just outside of our city but I was terrified of going - anything could happen if I’m not protected by my own walls of seclusion. Big crowds and Sadie Kennedy just do not mix well together.
People terrify me - that is my issue - I see no point in trying to socialize when no one even gives me the slightest bit of attention. I am so sure that since I am spending the night with Maria - I might as well try to be her bodyguard because I won’t be acknowledged at all with her by my side.
Maria felt as if she wanted to branch out and meet new people, preferably men - I let her believe that there was a possibility that I could get someone, anyone. In reality, I know the truth - the only chance I have of getting anyone to talk or notice me is about as good of a chance as Flavor Flav finally choosing New York - and I know everyone saw how that turned out.
“Damn! You look hot, Dee Dee.” Maria is speaking to me now while running her thin, long fingers through my thick waves of curls. For some reason my sister believes that my face is more ‘full and exotic’ when my hair is thick with curls that frame my oval-shaped features. I don’t know about that.
Of course I’m surprised that she knew my size - I had on a pair of tight hip hugger blue jeans that refused to go over my navel; I felt incredibly insecure when I placed the white silk tube top on - it was tight fitting around my chest area and barely covered belly button and my tiny stretch marks that lined beneath my navel.
I so did not like this outfit. My sister lent me her white thong flip flops and forced me to wear some sort of weird hat that she claimed only looked fitting if I wore it to the side - the style I did not understand but I had to admit that it worked with the big silver hoops she also begged me to indulge on myself. I thought I looked ridiculous. Maria is trying to make a fool of me.
It wasn’t anything inappropriate but I have never worn anything like this before; my only issue is my arms, they are not firm and muscular like my sisters - instead they jiggle when I make movement. I could only imagine people just staring at my jello arms and wanting to point and laugh at me but choosing not to because I would be accompanied with my beautiful sister, Maria.
Yeah, lucky me.
“I don’t know about this.” I say now, pursing my glossed lips together - I had gotten out of the makeup area with Maria but she only begged that I applied some sort of lip gloss to my lips, which I did, but it was clear gloss - much to her dismay.
Maria waved me off while checking herself out in the mirror now; of course she was a knockout - her hair was in a high loose ponytail making her look simple but when a person glanced at her outfit, they knew she was nothing close to just ‘simple’. A black halter top and some tight white jeans framed her curves nicely and I secretly envied her exotic beauty.
Patrice and Maria had the roots of our father; my mother will swear to her grave that my father doesn’t have any type of other ethnicity in him except for Caucausion but I’ve always doubted this. Scott Kennedy has always been this tall, very darkly tanned, black hair and green-eyed beauty from the day that he was given life; my father had been chased down by model agents trying to get him to be choose modeling as his profession because his features were claimed to be so rare and hypnotic but of course Scott refused.
He believes that to be a real man you have to start by building a foundation of a relationship between your children and your wife - and if he pursued modeling, he wouldn’t have been able to accomplish this.
That’s why I figure that he secretly frowned upon Jade’s decision to start an acting career - not because he wasn’t proud of her but he didn’t believe it brought stability for whenever she decided to create her own family. Anyway, back to the topic at hand - my father’s parents were from Greek descent but my mother refused to acknowledged this fact instead she overlooked it as just ‘myth’ of some kind.
To her, being mixed with ethnicity besides the White American is a sin. I don’t want to get started on her and her views because I can spend a lifetime explaining her foolish views and ways on the way of life.
As a child I continually wrecked my father’s nerves of his ancestors but he never let up on his past and I know the reason to this is mostly due to my mother - she had Scott wrapped around her finger and there was no one or anything that could take him from her web entrapment. I used to want to protect him from my mother. Funny, huh?
Now, I just feel sorry for him.
“Stop being such a baby.” She is pushing her breasts closer together in her bra now and I frown because I know she uses her body as a magnet for the opposite sex. “You got a body, babe, and you should be proud of it.”
I turned sideways to glance at my body and I wanted to instantly cover my stomach - it wasn’t entirely huge but it did have some extra fat that edged a little bit over my jeans. I would have to hold my breath during the whole night to have no one notice. I never truly felt comfortable with my hips, either - they were too wide; sometimes I could never be able to fit into my own size of jeans because my hips were so wide and not only that but I had a little of a behind for a white girl.
My mother had always claimed that it wasn’t meant for a white girl to have a big behind; she said it was ‘tacky and distasteful’. I wanted nothing more than to get rid of it but Zora would smack me on my butt and claim that any girl, including herself, would die to have shape like mine.
Yeah, right, sis.
I chewed down on my bottom lip, “Um, sure.” I mumble to myself mostly, “Where are we going exactly?”
Without hesitating, she responds, “A small club on the east side of town called ‘Fantasy’,” when she noticed my eyes widened, she snorted. “You don’t have to be scared, Dee, not that many people go there - its very intimate.”
My heartbeat had slowed down some and I turned my eyes away from her reflection in the mirror. “Out of everyone - why did you want me to go with you?”
Maria grinned then. Her hazel green eyes sparkled with happiness. “Cause I wanted to hang out with my baby sis, that’s why.”
Patrice suddenly entered the bathroom and was staring at my appearance for what seemed like hours before she folded her arms in front of her chest and sighed. I guess she thought I looked like a fool. Well, that would make two of us, then. “Why are you looking at her like that?” Maria spoke to our sister.
Patrice rolled her eyes before she glanced at me and now she, too, was smiling at me. “You're a fucking goddess, Dee Dee.” She said, simply, before moving to sit on the bed in Maria’s room.
Heat rushed to my cheeks and I couldn’t help but feel warm inside; I knew she wasn’t serious but sometimes it was just nice to be lied to.
Maria scoffed. “How do I look?”
I could Patrice mumble something incoherent and then she spoke loudly, “Bitch, stop fishing for compliments.”
But my sister still didn’t give up. She leaned closer to me, whispering, “How do I look?”
Just as I was about to answer, Patrice spoke again. “Like a whore looking for her new conquest.”
My sister beside me groaned loudly before exiting the room and standing in front of Patrice, hands on her hips, frowning. “That was down right mean, Patrice Valerie!”
I stuck my head out of the door slightly to see Patrice smiling, not giving a care. “Love you too, Maria.”
Maria remained frowning for a moment before she grinned, pushing our sister slightly on her shoulder. “You’re just jealous that you’re not coming with us tonight.”
Patrice waved her off, her brows scrunched together in what looked like thought. “What? Please!” Patrice peered around Maria to look at me, “Next time you go out - you’re coming with me - this bitch over here can only help you in getting a one night stand with lousy dick. I, on the other hand, can get you a husband with benefits, if you know what I mean.” She winked at me and when I stared at her blankly, her face dropped. “Okay, obviously, you don’t.”
My eyes widened slightly. Is that why Maria wanted me to go out with her tonight? I was frightened now, seriously.
My oldest sister of the three of us, snickered. “Whatever.” Her face suddenly scrunched into disgust. “That’s why you smell like the garbage from outside.”
Patrice didn’t look fazed. “Actually, that’s you.”
Maria rolled her eyes. “Bitch, no its not, I-” She lifted her arms then and I instantly inhaled the odor of funk combined with perfume, her eyes widened and she turned bright red and pushed me out of the way, while entering the bathroom and closing the door. I heard her screaming in the bathroom as Patrice giggled softly to herself. “Patrice, I HATE YOU!”
My sister motioned for me to come towards her so she could fix the hat on my head while doing this, she was smiling wildly, showing off her dimples along the way. “Remember this, Sadie - never let yourself be a target for easy jokes - you’ll end up like Maria.”
I said nothing because frankly, I could see nothing wrong with the proposition.
* * *
Things weren’t as bad as I assumed they would be - we had been here for more than two hours and I had spent most of my time sitting at a round table sipping on cherry Coke while my sister danced with random men who continuously seemed to appear at her side. No one even noticed I existed which I didn’t have a problem with.
I enjoyed the music, somewhat. I wasn’t used to hearing anything outside of the classical music that I enjoyed (I know if you didn’t think I was nerd before, you do now) so to be exposed to something was interesting, to say the least. I liked seeing Maria smile when she was in the arms of a man because she looked like she could never be happier than she was in that moment with that man. I never understood why she hasn’t tried the dating thing again since her own business deals with it but she just chooses not to. Ask me the story behind this and I honestly do not know.
The place was really intimate - there were tables to sit and talk to your friends than there was a dance floor to groove to. Maria had had a few drinks by now and had wanted me to join in on her fun but of course, I’m not that type of girl plus I was the designated driver and there was no way I was going to even experience my first taste of alcohol tonight.
My mind drifted to that of the song was playing now - Konstantine and my heart suddenly dropped at the memory that flooded me then.
Zora was always on the go when we were in high school - even after she had Kyle at sixteen, she continued to stay gone from our home and our family. I didn’t mind it though, it just meant I spent more time with my nephew but my parents frowned upon it but they just chose never to say anything to her because Zora was not the type to be restricted to what others thought was best for her.
Out of all of my sisters, she was the boldest when it came to confronting our mother. They were constantly at a battle between who would come out on top or who would get the last word. When Zora gave birth to her son, she chose to not look to our mother as an authority figure any longer - she looked to her as she was her equal.
Sometimes, I credited my sister’s behavior to her boyfriend and Kyle’s father, James Raymond; they’ve been together since they were twelve years old and throughout their tumultuous years together, my sister withdrew herself from our family more and more with each passing year that they were together. It was not on purpose of course but my sister always seemed so infatuated with the town legend - she would give up her life for him if that meant that they could be together forever.
She used to tell me that she had purposely stopped using her birth control because she wanted to be tied to James with a child, forever; Zora wanted to have as many of his babies as she could because she felt that that way he would never leave her because she would be the mother of his children and he would want to marry her and take her away from our family.
It amazed me that love could make a person do some pretty ridiculous things - maybe I was blessed to never be able to experience it? I wouldn’t be able to make the same decisions that my sister has made.
That night, I was lying in my bed with my six month old nephew curled in ball beside me - it was extremely late at night and I had remained awake because it was one of my routines for when Zora would sneak out into the night to see James; I’d stay up until she came home just because I needed to know that she got home safe and sound.
Now, I watched as she stepped into the room, sobbing softly. The lights were off in our room so I couldn’t see her face but I knew she was crying. Zora wasn’t a very public emotional person, it had to be something really big to make her show any sign of distress, whatsoever.
I embraced Kyle’s sleeping form closer to my chest as I whispered, “What happened, Zora?”
She jumped now. It was as if she didn’t know I was awake but I found that ridiculous because she always knew I stayed up for her, always. She sobbed, loudly, then and I debated on exiting my bed and sitting beside her but I debated against it.
She turned on her bedside lamp then bringing a little light to the room and after I adjusted my eyes to the light I tried to see her face but she had her back to me as she fumbled with our stereo before she decided upon Something Corporate’s Konstantine. I knew this song only because Zora despised it with a great passion but now she was playing it softly as if it was soothing her soul.
Something definitely was wrong.
Zora turned her face to me now and she looked perfectly fine - not one shed of a tear accompanied her flawless features, she glanced at her son before sitting on her bed and taking off of her shoes. “James broke up with me tonight.” She said, simply, the sobbing had ceased.
I can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
My eyes widened and I suddenly understood - she was hurt. I wanted to console her then but I didn’t know how - I wasn’t good at those types of things. “Why?”
She shrugged her shoulders while pulling her hair into a low, loose ponytail. “Hell if I know.” She began biting on her lower lip before her brown eyes reached mine, “I just know it hurts, Sadie.” Her eyes lowered to the floor and she sighed, loudly. “It hurts something awful.”
When the lights are turned down low
and I don't understand all the things you've seen
My heart reached out to her then. I felt so sorry for her and as I felt Kyle shift underneath me, my heart reached to him, too. James just didn’t know what he was missing out on.
“It’ll be okay, Zora.” I say now - I don’t believe what I’m saying but it just seemed like the most appropriate thing to say at the moment.
She shakes her head then. “I don’t think so, Sadie.” She clasped her hands together and I watched in silence as she rocked her body from side to side, thinking. “I’ve never felt this way before, Sadie and it scares me.”
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big dreams
It's always you
In my big dreams
I prop my head up with my right hand and stare at her intently, trying to understand her, but I can’t. “Felt like what?”
Her eyes find mine then and I shiver at how lost and lonely they appear to be now. Poor Zora. “Like I wanted to die.”
And you tell me that it’s over
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers
and you’re restless
and I’m naked
She could’ve said anything but her last statement - it took me completely by surprise and I silently wondered what was going through her mind at the moment. What was she thinking of doing to herself? Did I need to wake our parents for help?
Zora didn’t seem even to notice the look of terror on my face because she continued talking, “Don’t fall in love, Sadie - its bullshit.” She pulled the sweater over her head and I watched as she let it fall to the floor; she moved to the stereo and increased the volume of the music, her eyes now closed. “This man has me wishing I was dead.” She opened her eyes and now the tears were clearly visible falling down her cheeks.
I wanted to protect her. She’s always been there for me and now I wanted to console her but I didn’t know how to exactly go about it. I remained in my bed. “You don’t mean that, Zora, you can’t.”
She snorted. “Yes, I do, Dee Dee.” Her eyes then fell upon her son and she whimpered softly, “Don’t ever tell anyone else about this but if it weren’t for my baby and you - I just wouldn’t be able to keep living in this crazy ass house and I couldn’t live, period.”
“Zora, so what would you do?”
She frowned at me then and shook her head slowly, and I know sometimes she is frustrated because I’m not as quick to understand things as the average female would - at least that is how she is looking right now. Zora scoffs loudly, “Nothing, Sadie - nothing at all - just do yourself a favor and don’t fall in love, okay? Be smart and just don’t.”
As the song slowly comes to an end - the memory of the past slipped from my thought; I disliked the song so much because I knew at that moment, my best friend, who is my sister was willing to end her life for a man - and Zora always represented herself as the epitome of a strong, independent woman and when I would hear the song, it reminded me of the time that she was so unsure of herself that she didn’t want to go on.
I didn’t want to remember her that way, I just couldn’t.
Suddenly, Maria appeared at our table, grinning. “Dance with me, Dee Dee.” I shook my head quickly. I don’t dance - I’ve never have; it is another thing that I have to be self conscious of and I would rather not make a public fool of myself.
“I don’t think so.” I say, simply, turning my attention to something random in the club.
She takes my hand into hers and pulls me from my seat, I yelp with disdain. What does she think she’s doing? “Girl, I’ve danced with every man in this place but I want to dance with my sister.”
We both end up in the middle of the dance floor and as Ciara’s new song Promise begins to play, my sister starts giggling; she takes her hands in mine and starts jokingly dancing around. She looks a fool right now.
My eyes widen. “Maria, this is a slow song - why are you dancing like that?”
Maria continues to bounce around the floor, moving her hips roughly and while she is doing this, I have no choice but to move my body from side to side, and I’m doing this…very slowly. “Who gives a fuck? I can dance any way I like, here-” she moves her hands to my hips and speeds up the rhythm of my body, “that’s it - you got it.”
She steps back from me and turns away from me and slowly dances to the beat of the music and I continue to sway my hips to the beat. Just follow the beat. I didn’t want to make a fool of myself but I needed to calm down, I just needed to relax - no one was watching me so what was I afraid of?
I was going to be okay.
Maria turns her attention back to me and she is still smiling, “You got some rhythm, Dee Dee,” she shakes her head slowly, “look at those hips, I’m jealous!”
I roll my eyes at her, ignoring her last statement. It is then that a man joins us on the dance floor and I am not surprised as he moves towards my sister - he probably saw her a mile away and was drawn into her beauty; when he moves closer I see that it is Trace, the man I talked to earlier on the phone.
My heart beat increases slightly and heat rushes to my cheeks - I don’t remember him being as short as he is because I notice I am at least two inches taller than he is. And he isn’t that attractive but as soon as I think this, I instantly want to shove my fist in my mouth - who am I to judge anyone?
Maria notices him, too and she shrieks with happiness and moves to him quickly, embracing him. “Hey!”
I choose to ignore their conversation now and close my eyes as I listen to the beat and I find myself still moving my hips to the beat. I feel so calm now, so relaxed. It is then that I feel a pair of muscular hands rest upon my hips and I freeze. What is going on?
I am frightened to turn around and see who is touching me and then I smile suddenly - maybe its Trace? I don’t know why I want it to be him but somehow I feel drawn to him. Why? Don’t ask. But I know it can’t be him because even he has higher standards in women so I assume that it has to be my imagination that the hands on me now belong to a man.
It’s not possible.
Turning around slowly, I am met with Justin Timberlake. My heart sinks and palms become sweaty; this is the last person on the face of the Earth that I expected to be in front of me right now. I wonder if he’s sober because he’s looking at me as of now, smiling. I prepare myself for his cruel mouth in about one, two, and three -
“Hello, sexy.” His tone and his comment catch me off guard and I frown. Is he talking to me? Seriously?! I look past him to try to find my sister and I see her staring at me, cautiously - I know she is on guard because I bet that she didn’t notice that Justin had snuck up on me. I motion to her that I will handle this myself and when I do this, I surprise myself - how am I supposed to handle this?
* * *
Okay, this might surprise the average American, but I’m not loaded tonight. You surprise? So the fuck am I. Trace convinced me to vacant my mother’s basement and head out with him for the night - but the catch was, I had to be completely sober. If I’d known we were going to this lame ass club, I would’ve stayed my ass home.
Things seemed to look up when I noticed the tall girl on the dance floor - she wasn’t small but she had curves on her that I knew would be in her favor and mine if we were in the bedroom. I had to get her. I hadn’t had a decent fuck since Sara Jean and I wouldn’t exactly list that as my top best fucks of all time. My friend Binky needed to be released of some major stress and this girl before me was the perfect selection; yeah, I named my penis, Binky - who gives a fuck? Bitches name their vaginas all the time or at least I do but that’s neither here nor there.
Now, as she turns around to face me, I’m smiling. She has nice tits, too. I can’t wait to lay her down. A look of shock is gracing her features and I know she’s surprised that she’s so close to perfection. Yeah, I’m the shit and I know it.
“W-What is y-you doing?” Her stuttering instantly turns me off and I frown suddenly because I notice that voice and as I peer closer to her facial features, I groan loudly.
It’s the fat Kennedy bitch! I have the urge to vomit as of now - what the fuck kind of joke is this that this ugly whore has the nerve to dress herself up to make her seem acceptable looking to the opposite sex.
I’m seeing daggers now and I feel my face becoming hot. I want to fucking rip her ugly ass to shreds. “You fucking slut!” I say now, calmly - I’m surprising myself at how calm I sound but nevertheless, I am extremely pissed. She steps back then, her eyes widening; she’s absolutely terrified of me and I secretly love it.
The next thing I know, Maria moves in front of the ugly bitch and folds her arms in front of her much plumped chest, she cocks her head to the side, her green eyes burning a hole of disgust into my head. “You mind wanting to repeat what you said to Sadie for me, please?”
Ah, hell. Can’t this bitch ever fight her own battles without having her fine ass sisters’ stick up for her? I don’t feel like getting into it with Maria, so I lie. “I don’t remember.”
Trace, with his two-faced ass, decides to open his mouth then. “J, you said ‘you-”
I cut my eyes at him, warning him silently. “Shut it, Trace.”
Maria continues to stare at me. I always thought her ass was pretty but now, when she’s pissed, she looks like a fucking beauty queen. I should’ve fucked her ass when I had the chance so many years ago. She moves closer to me then and I find myself in taking a quick breath of air as I feel her hands find my little friend and I breathe harshly as she begins to rub Binky, gently. Damn, I didn’t know she had the magic touch, but she did.
She wanted me. I always knew she did.
“You like that?” She whispered in my ear softly, moving her body closer to mine, I couldn’t think straight - all I could see was yellow dots, I was blacking out because this shit felt so damn good; when she felt me nod my head, she giggled softly.
“I know you do.” Her lips find my cheek and before she kisses me, she snorts and I burrow my brows in confusion and then the pain strikes me suddenly as I feel her grip onto Binky, tightly, cutting off the blood rushing to its head. I want to scream, I want to fucking choke her crazy ass but I can’t bring myself to move - this shit hurts too damn much. Maria pulls back suddenly, loosening her grip on my dick. “How does that feel now?”
I groan. Bitch, how do you think it feels? I bite my tongue from speaking my mind because she has my life in her hands right about now. “Painful.”
She nods her head slowly, still squeezing gently on the head of my penis, I chew down on my lower lip, wondering silently why the fuck isn’t my so-called best friend helping me out. And then I know why - he fucking thinks Maria is his friend.
Fucking loser.
“Then maybe you’ll think before you speak to my sister like that again, huh?” When I make no movement to respond to her, she squeezes tightly and I make a shriek of pain before nodding my head quickly. I just want her stupid ass to stop. “Cause if you choose to degrade her again in front of me or any of my other sisters or even at all - I promise you, I will make Binky feel worse pain than this, buddy…so much more.”
She smiles. “Fucking test me, Justin. I dare you.”
I know she’s serious; none of the Kennedy sisters play games when it comes to their family - they are like the fucking Mafia or something, no shit. Crazy ass motherfuckers. I decide then that this ugly bitch isn’t worth tormenting anymore, not if it is at the cost of harming my Binky, I just can’t allow that to happen.
“Its cool, Maria.” I say now and she lets go of my friend quickly and I instantly find my hands gently massaging my lifelong partner in crime. I cannot believe this shit just went down.
The bitch they call Sadie is staring silently at the actions that have taken place and she continues to say nothing, I watch in horror as Maria walks away and only to my dismay, Trace moves to Sadie. What the fuck?
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I say now.
Trace doesn’t even cut his eyes at me as he moves to the ugly, fat bitch - she’s seems more calm now as I try to hear what they’re talking about but to no avail.
“Trace, I know that you hear me, man.” I’m becoming incredibly pissed off with being ignored. I don’t get ignored, it just doesn’t happen.
My best friend looks at me then and has a face of utter embarrassment - I figure he’s ashamed to be seen with me or ashamed to be my friend and I’m not phased by this; he chose to stick by my side, good or bad and I don’t give a fuck if he wants to run around with his dick tucked between his ass cheeks. He’s a little pussy, anyway.
Yeah, I said it.
“Jay, I’ll meet you in the car, okay? You’ve done enough damage now, so just leave, all right?” This motherfucker chooses to walk off in the direction where Maria was headed with the ugly bitch by his side.
I thought she was fucking insecure - doesn’t look like it from where I‘m standing. She’s so quick to be next to my friend and he’s so damn happy to be the man to her rescue. If I wasn’t so disgusted with the whole scene before me, I would be sure that Trace has a crush on the big girl - I shake my head at this. There’s no fucking way that’s possible.
No fucking way - or is it?
* * *
