Source: Unknown
Searching all my days just to find you
I’m not sure who I’m looking for
I’ll know it
When I see you
Until then, I’ll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one
“Love Song for No One” - John Mayer
I’m not used to this - my whole life I’ve expected to never have anyone to call my own, I just knew that I was the girl who would never get the guy. That’s how it supposed to be, always. But these last few weeks have left me dazed and rattled with fear - tonight, I’m going a date for the first time in my life. Is your mouth hanging on the floor in surprise? Well, join the club. I couldn’t fathom this idea, either.
Its hard for me to understand what has happened to me in these past few weeks that have led up to this point but the most important piece of the puzzle is that its because of Trace - yes, Trace.
After the incident at the club with Justin, my sister and Trace had rekindled their close friendship but to my surprise it was all a little hoax - they only appeared close with one another so that he could get closer to me. How do I know this? Patrice can’t keep her mouth closed if her life depended on it - so, I had prepared myself for Trace calling me a few times a week and surprisingly appearing at my sisters’ business the days that I chose to come.
Coincidence? No, it was all planned. I’m not the type of person that confronts people, not even my own sister so I had let it be. It was a weird feeling I would get when Zora would tell me it’s Trace on the phone, asking for me - my heartbeat would increase and my palms would become sweaty.
It was just too good to be true that I could finally have someone want me - just too good.
Zora had this way of letting her emotions show without speaking - there was no denying if she was mad, sad, upset and sometimes, depressed. I noticed it all and now, with her standing in my room staring at me, I know that she’s ecstatic about something.
I had planned on lying in my bed all day long and sleeping - it was one of my days off and I had to prepare myself for plenty of rest because in almost a month, I was going to start teaching at the elementary school around the block. But of all days, Zora decided to become a thorn in my side - she was keeping a secret and she was dying to spill it.
I just know my sister that well. I positioned the cool, silk sheets so that they weren’t covering half of my face anymore. I sighed. “Out with it, Zora.”
Her brown eyes lightened suddenly and she stepped further into my room, her hands were behind her back and she had this weird grin on her face. “What’re you talking about, Dee Dee?” She tried to sound innocent and naïve but when I scoffed, she rolled her eyes and moved closer to me, giving in. “Oh, what the hell! When did Trace start taking a liking to my baby sister?”
Of course she would know - my sisters were all like the three musketeers - they were just too close for comfort, if you ask me. But if it weren’t for Patrice being such a blabbermouth, Zora still could’ve figured it out - Trace called a little bit too much, so much that sometimes it was nerve-wrecking.
That was my cue to sit up so that she could sit down beside me, and when I did, she hurriedly rushed over and accompanied me. “He doesn’t like like me, Zora.”
Her smile instantly fell from her face and she snorted. “Okay, no one says that ‘like LIKE me’ shit since we entered middle school,” my cheeks turned red at this, I was embarrassing myself. “And yes, he does like you. The guy is playing the female card right now - he won’t stop calling this damn house and don’t get me started at him showing up at our job every time you’re there.”
I shrugged my shoulders, “Maria planned this with him.”
Her brown eyes found my own and her brows furrowed in confusion, “What,” her voice is low, even, “exactly did they plan?”
I could see she was thinking that they were using me and I knew she wouldn’t stand that, not even from Maria - Zora will have my back continuously, there’s no in betweens with her, when you have her trust…she will die trying to protect you from harm, no lie.
“Its not what you’re thinking,” her face relaxed then, “Patrice told me that Trace had the intentions of wanting to get closer to me but didn’t know how to tell me this so he asked Maria for help.”
Zora cocked her head to the side, studying me. “If she was going to do that shit - she should’ve gotten paid - that is our job, after all!” When I stared at her blankly and said nothing - she cleared her throat, her hand patted my thigh, apologetically. “it’s a good thing, though - Trace is a sweetheart, he just tends to hang around jackasses.”
I’m pretty sure she is referring to Justin - that is the main reason why I’m so hesitant to become friends with Trace. To add him in my life would mean that I had to include Justin, also, maybe just by association but still…he would be there and I’m not so sure that my weak self-esteem can handle him anymore than I should have to.
On many of our conversations, Trace promised to raise to my defense against his best friend and this had appalled me - I barely knew this man and he was willing to go against someone he had known all of his life just to do what he thought was right? I didn’t understand his reasoning for wanting to do that but I never truly asked because in honesty, I didn’t want to know.
I eye her skeptically. “Um, okay.” I said slowly, wondering why she was still smiling like an idiot. “What is wrong with you?”
She pulled me into her embrace then, giggling - my face happened to be buried in her chest so you could only imagine my discomfort. “Dee Dee got herself a man!” She was bouncing up and down in the bed, singing this repeatedly, while still holding onto me, I pushed away suddenly and she was still bouncing, happily.
Obviously, she has gotten the wrong idea. “No, I haven’t.” She stopped bouncing, confused. “We’re just friends, Zora - he doesn’t want anything more than that.”
I had finally accepted the fact that maybe the opposite sex could accept me as being their friend, but nothing more - that’s why I wasn’t so put off when Trace kept calling and trying to spend time with me, he wasn’t dating anyone and the only other person he hung out with just happened to be the town junkie so he wanted to expand his horizons and when I say this, I mean find more friends.
I was okay with being his friend. I’ve only known for a month, maybe less but I trust him, I know he means no harm and I see that he truly loves my sisters so what else could I ask for in a friend?
I felt my heartbeat increasing slightly and I tried to stop myself from sweating - I seem to always do this when I think of him now.
Zora is speaking now. “I love you, baby girl, but you’re a complete idiot when it comes to the male species.” She takes my hand in hers and pulls me to my feet and I follow her into her room.
My eyes follow hers as she lets go of my hand and turns to me, “You need to understand something,” I nod my head for her to continue, “men are animals - they like the chase. If there’s a girl giving up the goods and then there’s the girl playing hard to get - who do you think they’ll go after?”
I smirk. “The one that’s giving herself up easily?”
My sister smiles. “Yeah, duh - well, he’ll just fuck her but what he want really wants is the girl playing hard to get - they like a girl who holds promise for something greater when they finally do get her.”
I’m not following her. “So you’re saying men only want the girls who give them a chase cause they’ll be better in bed?”
Zora looks at me, incredulous. “Oh, Lord,” she mumbles to herself before sighing, loudly. “Maybe some men are like that but not the one I’m talking about.”
Who is she talking about?
I’m at a loss for words. When she notices this, she rolls eyes. “Trace Ayala!” Trace? What does he have to do with this whole little lecture she’s giving me.
I smile. “Trace found someone?”
Suddenly my sister smacks me in my arm and that mess hurts so I look to her in pain and she shrugs her shoulders, like I deserve it. She moves to her answering machine beside her bed and begins to press the play button, “Please just shut the hell up and listen.”
I do. And after listening to three consecutives messages of our sister Patrice leaving karaoke messages on the machine, I prepare myself to head back my room - that is until I hear Trace’s voice.
Uh, h-hey Sadie, its Trace -
I was hoping to talk to you before I came over later to pick you up - but I’ll tell you now…this is a date, at least I’m hoping you’ll accept my invitation as it being a date. I like you, Sadie and I know this will be new territory for you but I’m willing to guide you through it cause I want to get to know you…so please, just let me. See you at eight.
To say I’m in shock is an understatement - the whole time as I listened to Trace talk all I could fathom in my head is that he said he liked me. He likes me?! He likes Sadie Anne Kennedy? He likes the youngest Kennedy sister but also the ugliest and most overweight? HE likes ME?!
My mouth had become dry and I couldn’t think of anything but to say, “W-What time is it?”
I could feel her eyes on me, studying me, but I chose to ignore this - I couldn’t think of anything but how fast my heart was pounding against my chest at that moment. I couldn’t get myself under control.
“Ten after six.” Was her reply.
Trace would be here in less than two hours and I wasn’t sure if I could go through with the night knowing that he wanted to take me out on a date. I had never been out on anything closely resembling a date in my entire twenty-two years so now that I am…you can expect me to be a little bit frazzled.
Kyle suddenly enters the room and he’s smiling. “Mommy, I eat-”
Zora was quick to correct him. “Ate.“
His smile slowly fell from his features, “I ate all my broccoli!” He stepped closer to his mother, his hazel green eyes softening, “Can I pwease eat some cookies now?”
Zora nodded her head and Kyle clasped his hands together, waiting on my sister to give him the hidden treat that he so deserved; but instead, she watched me, continuing to study me, trying to understand where my thoughts were and honestly, I didn’t even know where my thoughts lie.
“Honey, your Aunt Sadie has a date tonight.” Zora is speaking to Kyle now and I watch as she moves to the kitchen, but Kyle remains in the room with me, looking nothing short of surprised.
“What’s wrong, kiddo?” I find my voice and smile down at his curious face. I haven’t been able to spend that much time with him like I would want to so each moment that I am in his presence…I savor it.
He moves closer to me. “Is it the mean man, Auntie Sadie?”
I chuckle softly. “No, honey, its not.”
I guess he thinks its okay now because a smile returns to his features and he brings his arms around my wide waist. “Mommy say you need to be happy,” he looks up at me and I find myself wanting to cry because of how much I love him, of how much adoration I have towards him for loving me so much. “I want you happy, Auntie Sadie.”
“Thank you, kiddo.” I bring my lips to his cheek and kiss him lightly. “That means everything to me when it is coming from you.” I am now kneeling in front of him, eye-to-eye.
Kyle cocks his head to the side and licks his lips, “He make you happy?”
I chew on my bottom lip and I shrug my shoulders, finally having a sense of a complete thought since I heard that message. “I don’t know yet, kiddo but…I hope he will.”
And the surprising truth to this is that I really do.
So, now here I am - looking at Trace as we pull out of my sister’s driveway and I can’t help but question his intentions with me from now on; he can’t just want to get to know me, he can’t just like me…it has to be more than that. Can he tell I’ve never been with a man before? Does he want to be the first?
I shake my head. I need to relax; I’m jumping to conclusions and all I need to do right now is enjoy the moment while its here…because I know, something like this won’t happen again for me.
Silence fills the vehicle and I turn my attention away from the man that’s driving to my clothing attire; after twenty minutes of debating with Zora on what to wear, I finally settled baby pink t-shirt and some white jean shorts that rode on my wide hips.
I was extremely against the shorts because for one, I didn’t want everyone to see gigantic legs and two, I have cellulite - not that much to make a man pull over and vomit but enough that I noticed when I was behind closed doors; but of course, Zora wasn’t hearing any of my excuses so I relented and wore them add that on to my pink thong flip flops and my white hoop earrings and I looked like a fool. I hoped none of my soon-to-be employers would ever see me out in public because I’m afraid they would revoke their job offer to me…I looked that bad.
Trace had been nice and complimented me on my appearance but I knew he was just being nice because I know that once he saw me in these really short shorts - he was disgusted, he had to be…if it were the other way around, I know I would be.
His voice interrupted my thoughts, “D-Did you want to listen to anything?” He was referring to the radio and I shook my head, if I turned to the classical station and got excited by hearing Beethoven play - it most definitely would scare him off. “Oh okay, um…is it okay if I stop by Justin’s place before we head to the restaurant? I need to give him something he asked for right before I got to your house?”
I didn’t let on but my heart suddenly wanted to burst out of my chest with fear. Great, just great. I was already terrified out of my mind but now I had to deal with the creature of Satan that is Justin, too?
Dating isn’t worth it if I have to deal with this.
But I lied. “Its fine.” I say now, forcing a smile onto my features.
“I know you don’t feel comfortable, Sadie - but I promise its just for a few minutes.” He looks to me quickly, his brown eyes warm and friendly, and I instantly find myself relaxing as I look to him just because I trust him, I really do. “I just have to drop off his lyrics journal.”
I squint my eyes in confusion and then I remember what Zora had told me before…Justin used to be a singer but then he turned to drugs and then, well you know the rest of the story. “He still writes music?” I ask, curiosity getting the best of me.
Trace shrugs his shoulders while keeping his eyes to the road and I place my hand on the dashboard as he makes a sharp right turn, he glances to me briefly, “Sorry,” I nod my head as if to say its okay. “Um, he quit the music scene a long time ago and he’d given me his journal to burn but I couldn’t do it - some of the best stuff he’s ever written is in that journal so I kept it and today he called me talking bout how he wished he could’ve kept it.” He took a deep breath and exhaled, “To make this long story short - I let him know I had it and he asked for me to bring it by and I jumped at the chance.”
“Why?” We were finally past the awkward silence so I had to keep the conversation going.
“Justin’s sanity comes from music and for him to ask me that means that he’s yearning for something more than just a needle to ease his pain.” Trace enters a driveway and turns off the engine to the car, he smiles at me while opening his door and retrieving the blue journal in the backseat. “I’ll be right back, okay?”
I nod my head and watch as he enters the small house before me. I expect to sit here and wait but to my surprise I see Justin’s mother, Lynn, exit her house and come to the passenger seat which is where I’m sitting. Oh, no. My hands become sweaty and I roll down my window and bring a smile to my face as she reaches me.
She shakes her head and opens my door, “Don’t you roll down that window to talk to me, girl!” My eyes widen and I become frightened…what is she going to do to me? Hurry, Trace! “You get out the car and give me a hug, honey!”
I breathe a sigh of relief and step out of the vehicle and am shocked as she instantly welcomes into her embrace; I don’t even know her and she doesn’t know anything of me except that I am the youngest of my family but yet, she welcomes me into her embrace with open arms. I relax and my heartbeat slows as I silently wish I had a mother like her…she is everything my mother wasn’t to me.
I envy Justin in that very moment; he has someone who loves him unconditionally but yet he takes advantage of it and is ungrateful of the love she bestows upon him. He truly is an idiot - not that I’ll ever tell him that though.
Lynn pulls back from our embrace and her blue eyes are sparkling, “Justin didn’t tell me Trace was dating you.” She grins, “He’s a lucky man.”
My cheeks flushed with redness and I giggled softly because I feel uncomfortable, “This is our first date,” I shook my head. It felt weird to acknowledge that.
This is when she notices what I’m wearing and she whistles, “Girl, that body of yours should be illegal,” I bring my arms over my chest and she laughs at my gesture and motions for me to follow her inside of the house. “No woman should wait in the car while her man enters somewhere, unattended. Come on in here, Sadie.”
I reluctantly follow her, and I want just for that moment to curse out loud because every time I think I’m getting away from Justin - I am thrown right back into his presence. As I enter the house, I instantly notice the photos of Lynn’s family throughout the living room and I smile at this because growing up, my mother didn’t allow pictures of the family to be seen in the house. I never knew why she did this but I never questioned her reasoning, either.
A photo of a younger teen Justin and a young blonde girl captures my attention because I can’t fathom this thought that enters my thoughts suddenly: he was cute. I immediately want to take back my comment but I can’t because its true - in the photo, he’s a healthy weight and has a natural skin color instead of that deathly pale color he has now and of course when he’s smiling, the smile reaches his eyes making him look so much like his mother, Lynn.
I bet that boy in the picture would’ve never said those things to me that the Justin I know now has; I just wouldn’t believe that. I focused my attention on Lynn as she moved beside me, studying the picture and then mumbling something incoherent to herself before telling me to sit down on the leather black couch behind me.
As I did, I really didn’t allow myself to listen as Lynn describe how her day had been at the house cleaning and yelling at her son to get out and look for a job; I was too preoccupied looking at Trace and Justin enter the room from God knows where. I hadn’t seen Justin in about three weeks since I was at the club and I had to admit - he looked better.
Soft, short brown curls graced his head and there were no longer bags underneath his eyes - it seemed as if he had gained some weight but his eyes were the same - they were still dead and cruel, at least that’s how I perceived them to be.
I was bracing myself for some rude comment from him but I couldn’t help but grin when Trace winked at me suddenly. I don’t know what is the appropriate behavior on a date but I just did what felt natural and it seemed like every time he looked at me…I could do nothing but smile.
Lynn’s eyes were glancing back and forth between Trace and me, she shook her head, grinning. “I sense love in the air.” She pokes me suddenly in my side, particularly where most of my fat lies and I frown up immediately, but she doesn’t notice this or at least she makes no effort to make a statement about it. “I’m jealous!”
Justin speaks up then and surprisingly enough, it isn’t directed to me. “Mom, you’re married. How can you be jealous?”
She waves her son off and glances to me, her eyes still sparkling. How is it possible for someone to be so happy? Is that normal? “Boy, hush. I love Paul but it’s always the beginning of a relationship that I miss - its all so new and unpredictable.” Lynn places her hand on my shoulder, “I can see something good coming out of this.”
I smile. I knew nothing of relationships but the way she talked of it - I liked the sound of it. I felt as if someone was watching me and I cut my eyes to Trace to see he wasn’t the one looking at me…it was Justin. I chewed on my bottom lip, trying not to show my fear because I’m guessing that’s why he always seemed to attack me, well that and the other small issue that was my weight.
“Sadie.” He said my name now. When he spoke, his voice was so soft, so gentle that I had to struggle to hear him and after I realized it was him, I did nothing but widen my eyes in horror. Was he actually bold enough to disrespect me in front of his own mother?
When I did nothing, he stepped further into the room. “Sadie.” It is then that I noticed that he never truly ever called me by my name with such a gentle tone. I shook my head, that didn’t matter. I focused my attention on Trace to see that he was eyeing his friend, probably wondering what he was up to.
Lynn nudges me in the shoulder, smirking. “Are you all right, honey?”
I nod my head slowly. And I stand from my sitting position and move around Lynn to get closer to this creature. Why do I do this? I don’t know, exactly. Ask me later and maybe I’ll know why.
Justin glances at Trace briefly before turning his attention back to me and I notice then that his blue eyes grace over my outfit and I almost immediately want to run away and hide. Justin is continuing to stare at my body and I can only imagine the things that is growing through his mind at the moment as he stares at my gigantic thighs; can he see my cellulite?
God, I hope not.
I sigh, loudly. “What can I do for you?” I ask now. I surprise myself that I don’t stutter when I speak to him; maybe I’m getting better at this confidence thing or maybe its because I know Trace is here and he’ll come to my defense if I need him to…yeah, that’s what it is.
His blue eyes now find my brown ones, “I don’t think we really got off to a good start.” I scoff. That’s an understatement. He moves closer to me and extends his right hand out. I eye him suspiciously, “You’re with my best friend and I can’t disrespect you without disrespecting him so I want to draw a truce, okay? No more of the trash talking from me - this you have my word on.”
I cut my eyes to Trace and he nods his head to me as if he is saying that what Justin is saying is true, so very true; my mind is reeling and I want to scream at this man who stands before me. Why should I shake his hand? Why should I forget what he’s done to me? He didn’t even apologize for the stuff he’s put me through!
But my eyes find Trace once again and my heart softens - I figure that Trace begged Justin to be civil to me because he knew how much of a nusiance his friend was to me; thinking about this warmed my soul - I actually meant something to someone that they would go through those lengths to have me in their life.
Trace really was a good man, maybe he would prove me wrong…just maybe.
I rolled my eyes and placed my left hand in his right and a shiver runs through me as he shakes my hand delicately, eyeing me the entire time. I feel so small underneath his gaze, like I’m ant and he’s the human that will crush me. I don’t know why I’m beginning to shake or why my eyes won’t seem to turn away from his gaze but I hold onto his hand because I’m afraid if I let go - I won’t be able to stand on my own two feet.
“Trace is family,” Justin’s speaking now and I’m wondering why we’re still holding hands but I say nothing. “He really seems to like you, Sadie and I know I’ve upset your sisters with my actions towards you - shit, I’ve upset my damn self! But that wasn’t me, I mean, it was - but it wasn’t the real me, I was under some other fucked up shit so I’m trying to get my ass together before I lose everyone that matters to me.”
I continue to stare at him blankly and suddenly a smile appears upon his features; he’s smiling at me?! And when he smiles, for the first time, I see that his smile reaches his eyes - his dark eyes lighten to baby blue and I notice my palms are becoming sweaty so I pull my hand from his and try to understand why my stomach feels so funny all of a sudden.
Why is he looking at me like that? Its like we are the only two people in the room and I wonder why Trace isn’t interrupting us - why doesn’t he say anything?
I frown. “Okay.” I say now. I hope he doesn’t expect me to be happy by this or something. I don’t know why he feels the need to tell me this because I’m nobody to him, nobody at all.
He cocks his head to the side, and places his hands into the front of his sweats pockets. “So to just put the shit out there - I’m sorry.”
Lynn suddenly moves to Justin and embraces him, rubbing his back, affectionately. “Oh, my baby!” She brings her lips to his forehead and kisses him, “One down - so many more to go, honey.”
He nods his head at her and turns his attention away from me to look to Trace, “Thanks for bringing that by, Trace - I owe you.” He cuts his eyes at me while I stand with my mouth hanging open in shock, I’m sure. Justin doesn’t seem to care. “Thanks for listening to me, Sadie - I’m doing this repenting thing where I apologize to everyone I’ve done wrong and you were the first and the hardest…so thank you.”
Justin doesn’t give me a chance to reply as he exits to his room with Lynn following behind him, I continue to stare after his disappearing figure in shock and utter disbelief; in that instant I want to call after him and congratulate him on his journey to make himself a decent man but I choose not to - I don’t know anything about that guy except that he’s a town failure and a rude man to the heart.
But I still find myself sweating with anxiety, I can still feel my hand in his - how warm and welcoming his eyes seemed and the way he smiled…he smiled as if he had just seen an angel. It is the first time I actually was speechless for good reasons when since I’ve been in his presence.
Trace steps into my line of vision and I try to rid Justin out of my thoughts as I smile at the man before me. “Your idea?” I ask now.
He shrugs his shoulders and grins, sheepishly. “Last week I gave him an ultimatum - change his ways or our friendship is through…he’s no Saint, but he’s trying now.”
I pursed my lips in thought. “So, his apology is sincere?”
He nodded his head and took my hand in his, leading me out of the house and to his vehicle. “Yeah, pretty much - he doesn’t give a shit if his mother is in the room or not - if he feels a certain way about you, he lets you know.” I lick my lips and glance back at the house as he opens my door and walks around to the drivers door.
I sigh, loudly. “Damn.” My eyes widen as I realize I’ve cursed. I did not expect that to happen - it just slipped from my lips so quickly.
As I enter the car and shut the door, Trace glances at me. “You say something?”
I try to play it off as good as I can. “No.” He shrugs this off and starts the car and pulls out of the driveway. I rest my forehead against the window and close my eyes, groaning to myself; the only image that runs through my mind is Justin’s face - why can’t I stop thinking about him?
I shake my head to rid him of my thoughts with no use because I still see him so I open my eyes in defeat and look to Trace - he’s such a decent man, so sweet so protective of me and he barely knows me. Its too good to be true, he’s too good to be true. So why can’t I get his best friend out of my mind?
This is the same man who has degraded me every chance he gets; the same man who dated my older sister and the same man who sees sex and drugs as a release from stress. Why is he worth my thoughts? My time? I don’t know the answer to this just yet.
I continue to stare at the man beside me and before I truly know what I’m doing I take his free hand in mine and hold on tight; maybe I’ll never get another date for the rest of my days to come but tonight I won’t let anyone, not even that creature, take this moment from me.
Trace cuts his eyes at me quickly and smiles. “You happy?”
I smirk; once again, Justin’s face enters my thoughts and I don’t fight it this time, instead I hold on tighter to Trace. This feeling would pass, eventually. I needed to talk to Zora - I didn’t understand what was going on with me at the moment - I couldn’t wait till I returned home to speak with her.
“Did you hear me, Sadie?” Trace interjects my thoughts.
I nod my head quickly. “I’m sorry, yes, I did.” I bite down on my lower lip, “I’m happy, Trace.”
“Did I have something to do with your happiness?” He asks me now.
A hint of blush reaches my cheeks and I glance away from his view, “Honestly, yeah, you did.” I sigh, loudly then because I’m not being completely honest with him.
Yes, Trace has contributed to the smile on my face but importantly and more terrifying it is his best friend that has kept this smile on my face.
Oh, Lord. I need my sister and I need her now.
* * *
