Infatuation by Lily
I feel like there are fish swimming around my stomach. I feel gross, like I’m going to throw up any second. Why do I feel so gross? I’m not hung-over; it’s not flu season, what the hell?
“You’re probably pregnant,” Izzy suggested.
“Yeah, that’s probably it,” I answered sarcastically, “Can you put down popsicles, ginger ale and saltines?”
“Got it,” she wrote the list for the maid, “What else?”
“Um… bananas, that’s supposed to help.”
“And a pregnancy test.”
“Why is that always the solution to every problem? Whenever anyone is sick they’re automatically pregnant.”
She shrugged, “Just take the test.”
“It’s pointless.”
“What’s the big deal? You piss on a stick, it’s not that hard.”
“It’s gross, do you want to hold it while I piss on a stick?”
“Oh, I’d love to,” she rolled her eyes, “When’s the last time you got your period?”
“Sweetie, you’re not a real doctor. You just play one on television, it’s not the same.”
“Answer the question Rainbow.”
“I don’t know, I’ve been stressed and I haven’t been keeping track.”
She took a deep breath, “You’re ridicules. Take the fucking test.”
I nodded my head and sniffled back the tears that I know were coming. The truth is I have been thinking it’s possible that I’m pregnant. But I can’t be pregnant, I can’t be.
“It’s going to be alright babe,” she hugged me, “You’re probably not, it’s probably just a bug. But if you are that’s good too.”
It’s not really good. I don’t have a boyfriend; I don’t even know whose baby it would be. That’s sad that I’m one of those white trash whores on Jerry Springer that doesn’t know who the father of their baby is.
“Come on man, hurry up” I tossed a basketball in my hands as I waited for Trace to hurry the hell up. This kid takes longer than a girl to get ready and by getting ready I mean throwing on a pair of sweatpants and going to the yard to play basketball.
He came and followed me outside, “So, what’s the deal?”
“What’s the deal with what?”
“Jennifer, Rainbow. What a name huh? It’s impossible to be mad at someone named Rainbow. You could never yell at her. How is that when you’re having sex? Oh Rainbow, Rainbow,” he mimicked.
“Let it go dude,” I threw the ball at him, “I haven’t talked to her in weeks.”
“So that’s it? It’s over? Just a mistake, you’re done?”
“I didn’t say that,” I answered with a smile.
“What are you saying?”
“I don’t even know man. She’s hot though, huh?”
“Fucking gorgeous.”
I nodded my head, “Yeah, fucking gorgeous.” But Jennifer is hot too.
Not Rainbow hot, but hot nonetheless.
“Does she have any idea?”
“Jennifer?” he nodded his head, “Nah, they have some kind of a history I guess. I don’t get involved.”
“How long is she gone for?”
“A couple days.” It’s wrong that I don’t feel bad that I’m cheating on my girlfriend.
I am cheating on my girlfriend.
That’s the first time I’ve actually said it to myself. I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend. I’ve been cheated on so I never thought I’d be one to cheat. But there’s just something about this damn girl.
I thought at first maybe it was a one-time thing, but then it happened again, and again.
“So are you going to call her?”
“How long do I have to wait?”
“Is says three minutes. Stop biting your nails,” she slapped my hand, “You’re going to ruin your beautiful nails.”
“I really don’t give a shit about my nails. I’m freaking out here.”
“I know you are, it’s ok.”
It’s not really ok but it’s nice of her to pretend that it is.
The timer went off and I slowly walked into the bathroom. I stood at the door for a second and took a deep breath before walking up to the counter and closing my eyes. Slowly I opened my eyes and held the test in my hand and saw that there was a line where I’m pretty sure there’s not supposed to be one, “What am I looking for?”
“A line means pregnant,” Izzy answered.
I turned around to look at her leaning against the doorframe, “Are you sure?” I could only whisper.
She nodded her head.
I nodded my head, bit at my bottom lip and walked out of the bathroom, “Excuse me” I answered softly as Izzy moved out of the way and I walked to the kitchen.
I bent down and grabbed a bowl before going into the refrigerator and grabbing eggs, milk and shortening and then grabbed flour and sugar from the cupboard. Izzy came in and sat down at the island watching me carefully, “You know it’s really not that big of a deal.”
I nodded my head and cracked an egg in the bowl.
“I mean, you’re 24. It’s not like you’re 16 or something. You can easily take care of a baby. I mean you’re going to be an amazing mother. You have plenty of money, it’s not like you’re going to have to go on welfare or something.”
I nodded my head and continued cracking eggs.
“I know you don’t cry and you really don’t have to because it’s not that big of a deal. But if you want to cry it’s ok.”
“I don’t want to cry.” I said softly.
“Hunny, you just cracked eight eggs in that bowl.”
I looked into the bowl to see that she was right; I did indeed just crack eight eggs into that bowl. I dumped them down the garbage disposal and tried again this time stopping after two. I measured out a cup of sugar and put it in the bowl beating them perhaps a little too much.
I’m pregnant.
I don’t have a husband.
I don’t have a boyfriend.
I have Justin who I have sex with sometimes because I hate his girlfriend and I want to get back at her for sleeping with my boyfriend.
Or I have Gabe. Oh god, I hope he’s not the father. I hope Justin’s not the father… I hope none of them are the father.
My father is going to kill me; he’s going to cut me off.
“It says on the box to take it again after two days because it might not be accurate.”
I nodded my head and continued beating the eggs harder than I’ve ever beaten eggs before.
“Rayne.” I felt her arms on my waist, “It’s going to be ok,” she turned me around and gave me the best hug I’ve ever had. It was exactly what I needed.
I was getting emotional, I felt my eyes starting to get itchy but luckily my phone rang before I started to cry. I pulled away from Izzy and grabbed my cell phone, “It’s Justin.”
“Answer it.”
I nodded my head and flipped it open, “Hello?”
“Hey Ray, how’s it going?”
“Good, how are you?”
“Good. I haven’t talked to you in awhile.”
I nodded my head, I know he can’t see me but I’m not exactly thinking right now.
“Are you going to be around later? Do you want to get dinner or something?”
Or something means have sex. Normally I’d go with the or something but having sex is what got me in this situation in the first place. “Sure.”
“Alright cool. Want to come by around eight?”
“Um… I’m kinda feeling a little yucky, do you want to come here?”
“Yeah, absolutely. Around eight?”
“Sure.”
“Alright. I’ll see you then.”
“OK. Bye Justin.”
“Later Ray.”
I flipped my phone shut and continued working on my cookies. In case you haven’t figured it out yet I tend to bake when I’m stressed.
“Are you going to tell him?”
I shook my head, “I need to go to the doctors first.”
“Do you think it’s his?”
I shrugged, I’m still trying to take this all in, “Or Gabe… but I haven’t slept with him in like two months. We fooled around and stuff but we didn’t actually have sex. So two months is like a long time right? Like I would have known by now?”
Izzy nodded her head, “What about Matt?”
“Oh gosh, Matt” I forgot about him, “That was like… last week right? He couldn’t have got me pregnant that fast right?”
“So you think its Justin?” I nodded my head, “Anyone else?”
“Oh God Izz, I’m such a whore.”
“No you’re not. You’re not. You’re single, it’s alright.”
“It’s hardly alright. I’m going to be a mother. I’m so not ready for that. I don’t even want kids; I’m like missing that gene. I’ve never wanted kids.”
“You’ll figure it out. I’ll help you, obviously… as long as I’m the godmother,” she smiled, “I’ll baby-sit once in awhile.”
I laughed to hide the fact that I was about to cry, “You’ll baby-sit more than once in awhile.”
I’ve never been in her house before. Surprisingly we’ve always met up at mine. Looking back that probably wasn’t the best idea. I mean Jennifer could have easily come over and caught me. I think that’s part of the excitement, the risk.
I pulled into her driveway; she has quite the house here. It’s right on the beach in Malibu and the house is amazing. I knocked on the door and she came to answer with a smile. “Hey.”
“How are you doing?”
“Pretty good, come on in.”
As soon as I stepped inside there was an overwhelming scent of chocolate cookies, maybe brownies, who the hell am I kidding it smelt like heaven. “Have you been baking?”
“Oh yeah, I was kinda in the mood.” She led me into the kitchen where no lie her whole counter was full of cookies, brownies and cupcakes. Not just that cheap from the box stuff either, I’m talking gourmet shit with frosting and decorations and full out goodness.
“You made all these?” she nodded her head, “Who knew you were such a chef.”
“Help yourself” she finally got the hint and I dove in. Those were the best damn cookies I’ve ever had in my life. Let’s get married.
“Are you cooking for something?”
She shook her head, “I just cook sometimes.”
“You’re a good cook,” Justin said as he continued stuffing food into his mouth.
“It’s baking, not cooking. There’s a difference.” I said that really bitchy, I didn’t mean to. I’m just so fucking stressed. This poor kid has no idea that he’s possibly going to be a father really soon. He has no clue. He’s sitting here eating my brownies without a care in the world. I should tell him. I can’t tell him yet. I need to make sure I’m even pregnant. Then I need to make sure he’s the father.
“Is everything alright?”
Shit.
I guess I’m not as good at hiding my feelings as I once was.
I nodded my head, “Why?”
“You just seem like something’s bothering you.”
I shook my head and went to the refrigerator, “Do you want some milk or something?”
“Yeah sure, thanks,” he sat down at the island, “You’re not eating anything?”
I shook my head, “My stomach hurts.”
He nodded his head, and here comes the awkward silence. We never really talk. I mean, we’ve talked but it’s usually just sex. So this is kind of weird.
“You know she’s using you right?” did I really just say that out loud?
“She’s using me huh?” he asked.
“Seriously. You don’t find it at all weird that no one knew her name or who she was. And then now she’s dating you and she has cameras following her around everywhere. It’s not a coincidence J.” Shut up Rayne. Stop talking.
He looked at me for a second and then looked away as if it was actually sinking in for the first time. “What’s your problem with her?”
“She’s a dumb whore. She slept with my boyfriend.”
“So you slept with hers,” he ran his hand through his hair.
“Look, I know you love her. She’s your girlfriend; you don’t want to believe it. That’s fine. All I’m saying is that she’s a slut and she is definitely using you to make her career go further. Maybe you don’t care about that, that’s fine. But she is. She’s a shady whore. I know you don’t want to hear that about the woman you love but it’s true.”
“I don’t love her,” he answered quickly.
“Then why are you with her?” I regretted that before it even came out. Now he’s going to think I want to be with him.
I don’t.
I promise I don’t.
I just think that he’s actually a semi decent guy and it’s hard to find that in this world. It’s impossible to find that in this city. I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of staying with him when she will fuck him up.
“Never mind, forget it, I’m sorry.”
“What’s with this sudden concern?”
I shrugged, “I just don’t like her.”
“Because she slept with your boyfriend. But you’ve cheated on boyfriends and that’s ok?”
“I have never once cheated on a boyfriend, don’t act like you know that.”
“Never?”
“Never.”
“Neither have I.”
“Um… hello?” what do you call what we’re doing right now genius.
“Alright you, only you. You’re my first,” he paused and licked his lips, “but you can’t honestly say that you’re a good person for not when you know I’m with someone and you have no problem hooking up with me. That’s just as bad as cheating.”
“Because you’re girlfriend is a stupid whore and I hate her. I don’t make a habit of hooking up with other people’s boyfriends.”
“Alright” he stood up and wrapped his arms around me, “Let’s just shut up about this.”
I don’t know where the hell that sudden outburst came from. I guess it’s because I’m possibly pregnant and he’s possibly the father. I just am so confused. My head and my mouth are not working together.
Where the fuck did that come from? When has Ray ever even hinted at the fact that she cares enough about me that she doesn’t want me to get hurt? That is why you don’t cheat on your girlfriend. It’s fine in theory when it’s just sex but then feelings have to go and get involved. I should have known better, with me there are always feelings. I’m the asshole that has a one nightstand and thinks about the girl for the next three weeks.
It’s not like it’s never crossed my mind that Jennifer could be using me. I’m not a complete idiot. I do know that her name was never heard and her face was never seen before we started dating. I’m an observer. People are surprised at how quiet I usually am but that’s because I’m listening and paying attention to the details around me. Jennifer was just a struggling actress before she met me. She was shy around paparazzi and even other people.
Now she welcomes them with open arms.
Ray and Jennifer were friends so she would know about her. Then again, they did have a fight and now they hate each other. But looking back at Jennifer’s recent dating history she has dated pretty big names and with every boyfriend her name has become more known. Face the facts; I’m pretty much the biggest name in music right now.
And I don’t love her. I never have. She says she loves me and I kind of brush over it. She says she loves me a lot actually. Almost too much. It’s almost at the point where it’s too much that she can’t possibly mean it.
I looked over at Ray and took a deep breath. She is too hot for her own good. Honestly she’s hot without even trying. She’s wearing a pair of jeans and a tank top and she’s fucking beautiful.
She’s dangerous.
All this shit is just dangerous.
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