Jim Morrison said that we cripple ourselves with lies. I don’t think I ever thought much of that until during a lunch with Ben and Trace three days after Emily’s surprise party. By time I parted ways with them, I was absolutely exhausted with all the lies I had told. But it wasn’t all my fault. It was like Ben was interrogating me the entire time.

First he was asking about the weekend I had spent with Emily in Ohio. I hadn’t told anyone but Trace that I was going to Ohio and I when Ben started questioning me about what I had done that weekend, I had to make up some shit about being sick at home and that’s why I hadn’t seen him for five days.

Next came questions about what I was doing this Saturday, which I’m planning on spending with Emily since she has the entire day off. Trace helped me out at that point by jumping in reminding me about some “meeting with Johnny” I had that would be taking up most of the day.

By time Ben started asking me if I knew if Emily was seeing anyone, I was about to have an aneurysm. What the hell is up with all the questions about her? I thought we were just going to sit down for a casual lunch and suddenly I’m being bombarded with everything involving Emily. I was not at all prepared for it.

In response to Emily dating, I stumbled out some response of some guy at her work she kept talking about and then desperately, for the fourth time, tried to change the subject to ANYTHING besides her and thankfully the questions seemed to stop there.

I felt like such an asshole sitting there and lying to one of my best friends. He doesn’t deserve the shit I said to him over lunch. He deserves the truth and I can’t even be man enough to give him that. When did I become that person who lies to his best friend over a girl?

I would have continued berating myself but my cell phone ringing cut into it. I pick it off the passengers seat and check the id before answering.

“Hi.”

“Hey,” Trace replies. “Are you on your way home?”

“Yeah. Shit, what was that at lunch?”

“I think you’ve got a problem, man.”

I push my head back against the headrest. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“No, I mean an actual problem. After you left Ben asked me if there’s something going on between you and Emily.”

My hand clenches around the phone and I step on the brakes harder than necessary at the stoplight. “What did you say?” I breathe out, afraid of his response.

“I said that I didn’t know anything about it if there was.”

I love Trace. “Thanks.”

“He knows something’s up though. Not the full extent but he knows something’s up.”

I let out a few curses and shut my eyes. “How does he know?”

“I have no idea. But really, how long were you planning on hiding it? It’s been over a month.”

“I know that. Shit.” A horn honks behind me and my eyes snap open to see the light is green. “Shit,” I repeat as I step on the gas.

“And for the record, I don’t enjoy lying to Ben.”

“Neither do I. I need to figure this out.”

“Yeah you do. And soon. I’m not sure how convincing I was when I told him nothing was up.”

“Well…thanks for at least trying.”

“You need to figure this shit out.”

Trace can be abrupt as hell and I pull the phone away from my ear as he hangs up and ends our conversation with that.

I know he’s right. I’ve been putting this off for so long and nothing is getting better. The longer we hide our relationship, the worse it’s going to be. I should know better than anyone that people don’t enjoy being lied to and yet I just can’t find it in myself to tell the truth. Again, when did I become this person?

Normally I love seeing Emily. But when I’m this stressed out and tense, all I want to do is be alone and try and sort things out. Pulling into my driveway and seeing her car sitting there isn’t exactly a good thing at this point. She’s going to know something’s up just by looking at me.

I put my car in the garage and take my time going into the house. I gave her the key to my house the morning after her party and now I’m wishing I hadn’t. If she didn’t have a key and I wasn’t home, she would have left and I would have had a moment to myself. I just don’t think I have the energy to put on any type of act at this point. She’s going to see that something’s off and ask me what’s wrong and I don’t want to tell her about my lunch with Ben.

I don’t see her right away when I enter my house and as much as I want to slink off to my room and be alone, I know I need to find her.

“Emily?” I call out tiredly, rubbing my eyes with my thumb and pointer finger. I hear footsteps and look up to see her appear. I expect her to ask me what’s wrong right away but the question doesn’t exit her mouth. Instead she lets out a large sigh.

“So today Lucy tried to set me up with some guy,” she states, one hand resting on her hip and the other tapping against her thigh.

I push my shoes off my feet and drop my keys on the floor by them. “So?”

“She’s convinced that since I’m single she needs to find me a boyfriend.”

I move past her towards the kitchen, pausing for a brief moment, waiting her to follow. “So you tell her you’re seeing someone.”

“Yeah well that’s a little hard to do when I can’t give her anymore details than that, Justin,” she says, hot on my heels. “Do you really think that if I say I’m seeing someone she’s just going to leave it at that and not ask any questions about who exactly I’m seeing?”

“You could tell her to mind her own business,” I say, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge.

“She’s my friend. Don’t tell me to tell her to mind her own business.”

I lean back against the counter and really take a minute to examine her. She’s not her normal carefree, happy self. In fact, she seems ready to fight and I seem to be the recipient of it. This I really don’t need. “Tell her you don’t want to go on a blind date,” I shrug, raising the bottle to my lips to take a sip.

“You’re missing the point.”

I sigh and wipe the back of my hand across my mouth. “Then maybe you should tell me the point.”

Both hands rise up to her hips and she speaks slowly. “The point is that I am sick of hiding this. I’m sick of not being able to tell anyone who I’m dating.”

“Lola knows. Talk to her.” I know I’m being an ass but at this point I can’t stop myself. I’m too stressed out to deal with this.

“No. I’m sick of this! You have been telling me for THREE weeks now that you’re going to figure out a way to tell everyone and you still haven’t! You promised me!”

“I will, okay? Just give me ti-”

“I’ve given you enough time!” she cuts me off. I can tell she’s really getting angry now and it’s doing nothing to improve my mood. “This is absolutely ridiculous!”

I twist the cap on and off my water bottle. “Would you please calm down?” I ask wearily, dropping my head down and squeezing my eyes shut.

She takes a few deep breaths and when I look back up at her I find her staring at me, her arms crossed over her chest.

“We are no longer keeping this a secret because it’s too stressful,” she states.

I stare at her for a long minute and she matches it. Finally, I blink and shake my head. “It’s not that easy, okay? You don’t get it.”

“No, I do get it. I’ve been understanding. Beyond understanding. I’ve given you so much time and I’m sick of it. I want to be able to share with my friends who I’m dating.”

Can I have my cake?
Can I have you too?

“It’s only for a little longer.”

“That’s what you keep saying!” she explodes, throwing her arms down to her sides. “You say it over and over and over but you never actually do anything. All you have to do is tell Ben. One simple conversation and we won’t have to deal with this anymore.”

I can’t help but let out a short laugh. “One simple conversation?” I ask in disbelief. “Do you really think that conversation will be anywhere close to simple? Get a clue, Em. He’s going to freak out.”

She juts out her jaw and gives me a hard look. “And he’s going to be happier if he finds out by accident?”

“He won’t find out by accident,” I mumble even though I know that statement is a lie. After today, I really should know better.

“You need to wake up,” Emily says hotly and I can see that she’s getting worked up again. “He IS going to eventually find out.” Her voice rises in pitch and loudness and she begins to list off people on her fingers. “Trace knows and Lola knows and Mitch knows and Becca knows and Corey knows! How much longer do you really think it’s going to be before he finds out?”

Just hearing the list of people who knew all at once was enough to give me a headache. How did we go from each telling one person to this? “Emily…”

“No! Don’t ‘Emily’ me! I have been so patient with you needing time to figure out how you’re going to tell Ben but this is it! I hate this!”

“I can’t just tell him, Emily,” I say, my frustration slowly growing. “You know how he is as well as I do. He won’t just accept it. He won’t be mad for a few days and get over it. He’s going to see this as me betraying him and that’s going to be it.”

She pressed her lips together and crossed her arms over her chest again. “If he cannot deal with you dating someone he used to than that is his problem. He needs to be mature and deal with it and if he can’t, his loss. I’m sick of you using his reaction as an excuse to not tell him.”

“It’s not an excuse!” I exclaim, giving her a disbelieving look. “It’s the reason I can’t tell him.”

“So what then? Are you planning on keeping this a secret forever? Have you been thinking that’s what you’d do all along and thinking I’d just be content with that as long as you keep feeding me bullshit lines about how you’ll eventually tell him.”

“It’s not bullshit. I am planning on telling him. But at this point I can’t.”

“You can! How exactly is this going to get any easier with time? The longer you wait, the madder he’s going to be that you hid it for so long. We should have told him the day we decided to start dating. You deciding to keep it a secret just made things worse.”

I narrow my eyes and point my finger at her. “It was you who suggested that.”

“Only because that was the only way you would agree to date me!” she says. “What else was I supposed to say? I didn’t think it would go on for over a month!”

Wincing at her loud voice, I brought up a hand to massage my temples where a more prominent headache was settling in. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you but just give me more time.” I can’t help myself but to make my voice as loud as hers. I’m so frustrated with this conversation.

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice

She shakes her head. “No. No more time. Either you tell him or this is it. I can’t take this anymore.”

I look up at her, cringing at her set face. “Emily, don’t be like that.”

“I’m serious, Justin,” she states before turning on her heel and stalking out of the kitchen. I don’t bother to go after her but instead listen to her footsteps echo through the house and then the front door slam shut.

I knew we were going to have this conversation eventually but I didn’t think this would the conclusion of it That basically went about as badly as it could have.

Break Away-John Mayer
How to Save A Life-The Fray