Everyone knows I’m in over my head

I decide to give Emily a few hours to cool off after she stormed out of my house. She’s worked up right now and I know that I can only say one thing to make her less mad and it’s the one thing I can’t say right now. I have to think up what exactly I’m going to say to convince her that hiding this isn’t so bad. And to convince her, she’s got to be calm.

I know every single thing she said to me is the truth and I know that I have to deal with it eventually. But I also know in my heart that now is not the time. Not after lunch today with Ben. Anytime other than today. Even next week would be better. Well, not better per se, but at least it would be easier.

I’m about to go downstairs to work out a bit, hoping to blow off some steam, when my phone rings. When I see that it’s Ben calling, my heart starts to thump. This probably isn’t good.

“Hello?”

“Hey. Are you at home?”

“Yeah.” I shut my eyes, preparing myself for the worst. He’s going to ask me about Emily.

“Did I leave my black coat at your house last week?”

My eyes snap open at the unexpected question. “Oh. Uh, yeah. I was going to bring it today but I forgot.”

“Mind if I come over and grab it? I need it for tonight.”

“Sure. Are you coming now?”

“Yeah, I’m like ten minutes away.”

“Okay.”

“See you in a bit.”

“Yeah.”

There was absolutely nothing about Emily in that phone call. Crisis one averted. Now I just have to figure out what to do about Emily and it’ll all be good. I’m pretty sure some flowers and maybe chocolate and a whole bunch of groveling will take care of that. Somehow, I’ll manage to talk my way around putting everything out in the open just now.

Having nothing really to do, I sit around in the front room, waiting for Ben. When I see headlights in the front window, I slowly get up and make my way to the front door. I open the door just as Ben’s walking up the steps.

“Going somewhere tonight?” I ask him as I let him into the house.

“Out with Rob. It’s actually his coat and I’ve been telling him I’ll get it back to him forever.”

I go to the front closet and pull the coat out. I pass it to him, making eye contact when I do so and I freeze up. He has this weird look and his eyes seem to be piercing through me. Suddenly my throat’s dry.

“Thanks,” he says, taking the coat from my now limp hand. He goes to the door but almost as soon as his back’s to me, he turns back around. “I have to ask you something.”

Shit. I knew I wouldn’t get off that easy. He knows me too well. I clear my throat and try and make my voice sound as casual as possible. “Sure, man. What’s up?”

He’s silent for a moment and looks off to the side. “Is there something going on between you and Emily?” he finally asks, his eyes meeting mine.

When I see the look in his eyes, I instantly know that he knows. Obviously not to the full extent but he knows that there’s something going on between Emily and me and he’s giving me the chance to be upfront about it.

After all this time, I never imagined this moment would actually come. I guess I never really thought about how I would ever go about telling him but I never thought he would be the one asking me. And never imagining this point would come has screwed me over because I never thought about how I would answer the question.

Staying silent too long would only give in to his suspicions so I choked out a, “What?”

“Is there something going on between you and Emily?” he says again, not changing a word of the question.

I want to just stop the lies and come out and tell him everything. But as I stare at him, I know I can’t. He’s been my best friend for over seven years and I can’t just throw it all away. This situation just isn’t as easy as everyone thinks. He’s been an absolute amazing friend to me over the years and besides Trace and Emily, he’s probably one of the people who knows me best.

Ben has this thing about loyalty, which someone could almost laugh about considering he cheated on his girlfriend. But with his friends, he’s one of the most loyal people I know. He’ll always back you up and never betray you in the slightest way. And, rightfully, he expects the same back from his friends. Telling him that I’m dating his ex girlfriend will be a complete slap in the face.

When they broke up, Ben took it horribly. He screwed up and he knew it but once it all went down, I truly believe that he would give anything to go back in time and fix things. When Emily was in Ohio for that month, he called me every day to see if I had seen or heard from her. What he did to her was horrible but I know that he loved her so much and he still does in a way.

I can’t tell him there’s anything between us and yet, I can’t stand to lie right to his face. He doesn’t deserve that. No one does.

My mind is trying to come up with some kind of answer to give him and I can feel myself begin to hyperventilate as I draw a blank. If I can’t tell him the truth but I can’t lie to him, what do I do?

He’s still staring at me, never blinking, and I can see pain in his eyes. I can’t add to that pain and tell him that I’m dating Emily.

“We’re just friends, Ben.” With that statement, I knew I had sealed the fate of everything.

Ben finally blinks but then his eyes went right back to staring at me. He shakes his head slightly. “Justin-”

“Emily and I are just friends,” I repeat, trying to keep any shakiness out of my voice. What the hell am I doing?

He stares at me for a little longer before nodding. “Okay.” He turns back to the door.

“I swear, man,” I say after him.

He turns and gives me a smile and I can see in his eyes that he believes me. “Okay.”

“You’re going?”

“I have to go meet Rob.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll talk to you later.”

I nod mutely and watch him leave, shutting the door behind him. As soon as he’s gone, I let out a breath of air that I’d been holding the entire time he was here. I somehow managed to not lie to him and not tell him the truth at the same time but with that, comes a really bad consequence. A consequence I have to deal with right now.

It would have been easier if Emily had just let her phone go to voicemail. When she’s mad at someone, she usually won’t pick up their calls. But after the third ring, her voice comes over the line and at the sound, I can feel my heart dropping.

“Hello.”

“We need to talk.”

“I know.”

I lean back against the wall across from the closet. “Emily.”

“What?”

How do I say this? She doesn’t even sound that mad at me right now. She probably got over what we fought about before and she thinks I’m going to suggest we go for coffee or something to talk. How can I do this?

“Hello?”

I realize I’ve been silent for too long and my head hits the wall with a thump. “Emily, we need to break up.”

It’s quiet on the other end of the phone for too long and my eyes squeeze shut when I can hear her uneven breathing.

“Is this about before?” she finally asks softly.

“No-”

“Because I know I was kind of harsh and if you need more time I can give you more time,” she says in a rush. “I wasn’t trying to give you an ultimatum or anything.”

“Emily-”

Her voice drops down to a whisper. “Please don’t be serious, Justin.”

I feel like absolute shit. I can hear the tears in her voice. “I-I can’t do this anymore, Em. I can’t. You can’t. Neither of us can. Please just…”

She’s pulling in shaky breaths and my eyes start to sting. “Justin…”

“I’m so sorry.”

She stops speaking at that point and all I can hear is her crying. I can only listen to it for a few moments before pulling my head from the wall and straightening. “I’m coming over.”

I don’t wait for an answer and hang up the phone. I’m out of my house in a few seconds flat and on my way to her house. It seems to take so much longer than usual and I know I’m speeding but I can’t help it. I have to see her. I guess I’m a real jerk for doing that over the phone. She deserves better than that.

When I reach the apartment building, I take the stairs to her floor, too impatient to wait for the elevator. The hallway’s deserted, which I’m thankful for because I know I’m a mess. I don’t need anyone to witness this.

I reach Emily’s door and knock before resting my forehead against the doorframe. There’s no answer for a minute and just as I’m raising my hand to try again, I hear the lock disengage and then the door slowly opens, revealing Emily.

She looks exactly how I feel on the inside. There’s tears running down her cheeks and I know they’ve been going for a while. Her cheeks and nose are pink and eyes red and her arms are hugging herself. I have to clench my jaw tightly to avoid my chin from trembling as I see her. I did this to her.

She takes you in with her crying eyes
And all at once you have to say goodbye

She steps back from the door and I step forward and into the apartment, shutting the door behind me. She’s standing in front of me but it’s like she can’t even look at me and it’s breaking my heart. I close the remaining distance between us and pull her tightly into my body, one arm around her back and the other hand holding her head to my chest.

And she begins to cry.

The only times I’ve ever made Emily cry in the entire time I’ve known her has been when we were dating and it’s always involved the drama with Ben. The first time was when I ruined our first date and now this. I vowed after that first date to never make her cry again and now here she is, crying in my arms, her tears wetting my shirt. And I’m completely helpless to make it better.

There’s no point to words for a while because they’d be lost in her sobs. So I just stand there with her, hugging her as tightly as I can. The longer she cries, the more I can’t help but let the pent up tears fall from my eyes. This hurts. This hurts so damn much and I have to let it hurt because I can’t change it.

Either she wants me to say something or she’s just too exhausted from crying because ten minutes after I enter the apartment, her sobbing stops and she’s left pulling in uneven breaths against my chest. I turn my head to the side and press my cheek in to the top of her head, shutting my eyes tightly.

“I’m so sorry,” I finally whisper, my voice cracking. I weave my fingers into her hair and run my hand up and down her back. “I’m so sorry, Emily. I’m so so sorry.”

Her breaths are coming out in short bursts and her hands rise up to grip the front of my shirt. I wait for her to say something and when she does, her voice comes out broken. “How is it just ending like this?”

“He knows there’s something going on between us,” I say, opening my eyes to stare across her apartment. “He asked me straight up. I couldn’t lie to him but I couldn’t tell him the truth. I just couldn’t.”

She finally brings her head back and I stare into her wet eyes. “You can’t tell him?” she asks.

I shut my eyes as tight as I can and when I open them, a couple tears fall. “I can’t do it to him. I shouldn’t have ever let this happen between us in the first place. I set you up for getting hurt and I’m so completely sorry.”

Her face begins to crumble again and I pull her back towards my body. I kiss her temple and then rest my chin on the top of her head.

“You deserve better than this, Em,” I say, the truth of the words tearing at my heart. “You deserve to be able to tell everyone who you’re dating. You don’t deserve someone who can’t even be man enough to tell his best friend about you.”

She’s crying again and all I can do is hug her close and rock her back and forth. I should have never let it get to this point. I knew somewhere deep inside that I wouldn’t ever be able to come clean with Ben and yet I allowed Emily and my relationship to continue. I was a selfish ass and in return, I’m breaking her heart. And in turn, mine is also breaking.

“But I love you.”

Her words are a knife stabbing my gut. Those words are supposed to bring so much happiness but in this situation I can’t think of a worse thing to hear. It just reminds me that I’m letting go of someone who loves me and who I love.

“I know,” I whisper. “I know. I love you too. But I can’t get past this. I’m so sorry.”

It’s like I can’t apologize enough and as I hold her as close as I can to my body, I keep whispering how sorry I am, over and over, even though I know it’s not making her feel any better. Nothing I can say will make her feel better.

“This is so unfair!” she cries into my chest and the knife twists a little deeper.

“I’m sorry,” I manage to choke out, my voice cracking. “I’m sorry.”

I pull her so tightly against me that for a second I fear that I’m crushing her but she doesn’t protest. Instead, her hands regrip my shirt again and her head shakes back and forth against my chest.

I don’t even know how much time passes as we stand there. When your heart is slowly tearing itself in two, things like your feet getting tired from standing or your hands hurting from gripping someone so tightly seem so irrelevant. All that matters is this girl in my arms who hasn’t stopped crying since I got here. I’ll stand here all day if that what it takes to convince her that I don’t want to do this. I need her to know that I don’t want to hurt her but there’s just no other way. Not at this point.

Her crying isn’t stopping but she pulls her head back from me and when I look down at her, she steps a foot away from me. She rubs the heels of her palms in her eyes as if it will stop her tears but they continue to silently fall down her cheeks.

“Is this really how it’s going to end?” she asks so softly I almost miss her words.

My brow furrows and I press my lips together, trying to keep my tears at bay. “I don’t know what else to do, Em.”

She stares at me with such hurt that a few tears fall from my eyes against my control. The air is heavy with resignation and the room is silent, only the ticking of the clock breaking the quiet. Finally, “Can I have one last kiss goodbye?”

“Of course, Em,” I breathe out. I could never deny her that. I close the distance between us and cup her face in my hands. Her eyes close and tears stop and I stare at her face for a second before lowering my lips to hers. Our lips barely make contact and she begins to cry again through the kiss. I pull away and rest my forehead against her, closing my eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

She doesn’t respond and I pull back. I bend my knees a bit and lower down to her level so I can look at her face to face. Her eyes are closed. “What can I do to make this easier?”

Her eyes finally open but instead of meeting mine, she’s looking down between us. “I need you to leave.”

I was expecting that and I had braced myself for those words. “Okay.” I straighten and kiss the top of her head, my lips lingering, trying to memorize every little thing about her. Memories are all I’m going to have for a while.

She pulls away before I can. “Please go,” she says, sniffing and wiping her cheeks with her fingers.

There’s nothing more I can say and I’m forced to let myself out of her apartment. She shuts the door behind me and I hear the lock turn. It feels as though there’s hundred pound weights attached to my feet and I can’t force myself to move. Instead, I slump back against the locked door and drop my head to my chest, pain, regret, and shame throbbing through me along to the beat of my heart.

Over My Head-The Fray
Dreaming with a Broken Heart-John Mayer