My eyes are burning from staring at the glowing TV but I can’t make myself turn it off and try and sleep. I’ve been trying to fall asleep since midnight but after tossing and turning for two hours, I realized it was no use and turned on the television, hoping it would tire me out. So far, no luck.

Infomercials are a funny thing. If you watch them during the day, you can’t imagine ever wasting money on the ridiculous things they are selling. But when it’s the middle of the night, suddenly it feels like you can’t live without a knife that promises to cut through a cabinet door. I can’t tear my eyes away from the Magic Bullet infomercial and not only am I being more and more tempted to order one, the omelet they’re making is making my mouth water. If I didn’t think it would wake up Lola, I would get out of bed and make myself one.

I haven’t slept well for the past two nights. I’d like to just say it’s a small case of insomnia but I know my sleeplessness has a specific source named Justin Timberlake. Even when I manage to block him from my immediate thoughts, he’s always in the back of my mind, distracting me. And when I’m alone in my room and left to my own thoughts, sometimes he’s all I can think about.

I’m having trouble sleeping
You’re jumping in my bed
Twisting in my head

After Thursday it all started. I tried doing what Lola convinced me would work. I spent extra time getting ready that night and tried to show Justin just exactly what he was missing by breaking up with me. And I was doing a good job too until we were outside on the balcony and all of a sudden it all came back to me that we were broken up and he was resisting my attempts to sway him back into my arms. And then I started feeling like crap for not respecting what his choice about our relationship and trying to get him to date me again.

I know as the ex girlfriend, I have every right to not accept his decision and do whatever the hell I feel like to change his mind. But as his best friend, which is what I was before and is what I’m trying to go back to being, I don’t have that right. I’ve always told him I support any decision he makes and right then I wasn’t doing that.

So as hard as it was, I stopped what I was doing and I haven’t really talked to him since then. He called on Friday to see if I wanted to go to a movie with him and Becca but I declined, not ready to see him. And now it feels like a painfully long time since I’ve seen him and I don’t know if I’m currently missing him as my boyfriend or missing him as my best friend or maybe a combination of the two.

My hand is reaching for my cell phone to place an order for my very own Magic Bullet when it vibrates and causes me to jump, bumping my head against my headboard. Wincing a bit, I half sit up and bring one hand to my throbbing head and the other reaches to my cell phone. I know of only one person who would be inconsiderate enough to text someone at two in the morning and I wait until I’m settled back in bed before opening the message.

I just ordered Memory Foam Slippers.

A smile edges across my face before I can stop it. While I know many people who watch infomercials when they can’t sleep, Justin’s the only one like me who is actually stupid enough to buy the stuff.

Rolling onto my back, my fingers move across the keypad as I message him back.

I was just about to get the Magic Bullet. Since when do you wear slippers?

I only have to wait a minute before I get a response, the phone vibration welcoming this time.

I don’t wear slippers. The girl was really convincing and I couldn’t stop myself. The Magic Bullet’s amazing. Get it.

This time a soft laugh escapes me. Of course he would have the Magic Bullet.

Maybe next time. Can I have those slippers when you get them?

It’s been three days since I’ve really talked to him and I had forgotten how much I missed just joking around with him. I can’t deprive myself of it any longer.

The TV forgotten, my eyes now focus on the screen of my cell phone, waiting for his response. It comes a few seconds later.

Sure. Why are you awake?

Probably the exact same reason he is…

Can’t sleep. You?

Texting with him has actually eased my nerves a bit. Sometimes when you can’t sleep, you feel like you’re the only person in the world still awake. Knowing someone else is awake with me is comforting.

Justin seems to be getting faster with his text messages because I’ve barely sent mine when I get his reply.

Same. Awake enough to go for a walk if I come over there?

I stare at the screen for a second before slowly texting back an affirmative reply. It hurts less to see him than it does to not and being in his company is better than laying in bed alone.

Sweet. Be there in fifteen.

As soon as I get his ETA I shut off the TV and throw back the covers over me. I change into a pair of jeans and a t shirt and then left my room. As quietly as possible I move through the dark apartment. I still have a while before he gets here but I can’t stand being in the apartment any longer so I shove my feet in a pair of my favorite flip flops and leave.

It’s dark and silent outside and I sink down to sit on the edge of the curb as I wait for Justin. Sitting outside in LA in the middle of the night probably isn’t the wisest thing to do but sometimes the smart thing to do escapes you when you’re sleep deprived.

I had my chin resting on my knees and was staring at the pavement in the process of zoning out when the bright light from headlights pulls me back into the present. Lifting my head, I see Justin’s car pulling into the parking lot and jump up. He stops in front of me and leans over to unlock the passenger’s side door.

“You shouldn’t be outside by yourself in the middle of the night.”

I smile at his greeting and do up my seat belt. “Thanks, Dad.”

He rolls his eyes as he turns the car around. “So where are we going?”

“Surprise me,” I say, leaning back in my seat. I run my hands up and down my thighs and turn to him. “So did you buy anything else besides those slippers?”

His eyes crinkle up as he smiles. “Not tonight. Last night I got the Extreme Beam Flashlight though. Should be delivered within a few days.”

I laugh. “Are you having some major insomnia issues or something?”

He gives the kind of shrug that is meant to look nonchalant but I know him well enough to know there’s more behind it. “I guess I am.”

I don’t comment on the fact that he’s obviously holding something back because I already think I have a pretty good idea on what it is. Neither of us has to verbalize the giant elephant sitting in the backseat.

Justin takes into the residential and to an elementary school. We walk across the field to the playground and settle down side by side on a wooden platform by the slide.

When you’re hanging out with a friend, you’re bound to have some good conversation. But there’re always things hindering the ability to focus all your attention on the other person. Whether that’s music playing in the background, or people milling around you, or time restraints in a busy day.

But there’s something about being outside in the middle of the night where all those distractions fade away. Lola and I are convinced that the best talks happen around campfires but talks that happen while sitting in a deserted park aren’t far behind. When it’s just you and the other person and it seems like the world is asleep around you, you have the ability to lose inhibition and say everything you haven’t been able to say during the day.

I’m not the least bit tired as I sit here with Justin. Later, I don’t even remember all of what we talked about but I can honestly say that I’ve never felt more connected to him that I do at this moment. And because of that, along with my loosened inhibitions, when a longer moment of silence hit us around four am, I couldn’t stop the words from exiting my mouth.

“Kiss me.”

Justin stops picking the bark off the stick he’s holding and his head jerks to look at me. He looks utterly shocked. “What?”

“Kiss me,” I repeat, the words sounding a little less sure this time.

He wets his lips and takes a deep breath. “Em…”

I keep talking, the words coming out fast as I try and keep him from thinking too much. “It doesn’t have to mean anything. It won’t change anything and tomorrow we’ll just forget about it. It just is what it is.”

He’s still just staring at me and I can see a silent battle going on in his head. I turn my body so I’m facing him more.

“I just need something.” The statement is so honest and raw coming from my lips that I feel like bits of my still broken heart are falling out with those words.

Justin opens his mouth as if to say something and then shakes his head. I can feel myself blanch a bit at this rejection that isn’t supposed to happen. Maybe if we were just hanging out during the day but not now. Not in the middle of the night when we’re sitting in this deserted park and having one of the most honest conversations of my life.

I can’t even hold his eye contact and my eyes move down to stare at the wooden planks we’re sitting on. I’m fighting off tears when a warm hand is suddenly cupping the side of my face. My eyes immediately raise and meet Justin’s. His face is close and he’s bringing mine closer and then his lips brush against mine.

The only way I can describe it is the refreshing feeling of a glass of ice water on a hot day. His lips against mine are sending this relief through me that I hadn’t even known I was looking for.

You would think that after so long apart, this kiss would be almost frantic, trying to get as much in as possible before having to come back to reality. But Justin’s kissing me so languidly, his lips moving achingly slow across mine. But somehow that’s exactly perfect.

The kiss doesn’t last long, which in retrospect was probably best. When he pulls away, he doesn’t pull far, only enough for his lips to separate from mine. He leans his forehead against mine and I can feel his breath against my lips. Not opening my eyes, I lean my face into the palm he still has resting against my cheek and a small sigh escapes me.

The solace of the night is still keeping my inhibitions low and I move my head ahead enough to barely kiss his lips and then retreat an inch back. “I wish we could just run away,” I say, the words so soft they would have been lost in the air if he wasn’t so close to me.

My eyes are closed but I can hear him give a small smile. “Me too. Maybe one day?”

“Maybe.”

We stay close together for a few more minutes before I pull back. I’m going to be true to my word and not make this mean anything. It is what it is and now it’s over.

We stay in the park until the sun begins to rise. The light of a new day breaks the quiet reassurance of the night and without saying anything, we both know it’s time to leave.

It’s moments like tonight that I know we’ll never be able to duplicate and any detailed memories of which will fade over time. But it’s given me a bit of comfort. Even some closure. And at this point, I’ll take what I can get.

Trouble Sleeping-The Perishers