“Oh, come ON! That was such a foul!” My hands go to my hips and I glance around at my fellow players. “Uh, HELLO?”

The fact that I’m currently being ignored by the three other people on the court shouldn’t be that big of a surprise. I knew when I agreed to play basketball with Justin, Trace, and Ben that this was going to happen. It’s not the first time I’ve done it and they gang up against me. Even Trace who is supposedly my teammate.

If I were smart, I would just quit now and go sit by the pool with Becca. But I have too much competitiveness in me to leave in the middle of the game. So instead, I suck it up and pass the ball to Trace, probably a little harder than necessary. Whatever, he deserves it for hip checking me.

This game isn’t even fair anyways. I get stuck on the team with Trace who’s only like two inches taller than me which is only adding to his suckiness while Justin and Ben get to play together. And they play basketball together all the time and know each other’s moves and there’s really no hope for Trace and I. Becca’s already yelled that a few times from the sidelines but it wasn’t really sinking in until now.

When the score is 37 to 11 and sweat is running down my back, I’m ready to quit. And then when Trace bumps into me and sends me sprawling on the ground that about does it for me.

There’s pain in my knee from where I hit the pavement but I’m so tired that I don’t even bother checking the damage and instead curl up in a ball on the court.

“Em, you okay?”

I swat my hand at the air, as if that will shoo Justin’s voice away. “Leave me alone. You guys all suck.”

“Shit, Trace, you made her bleed.”

“I barely touched her! Em, are you alright?”

I don’t respond to either Ben or Trace and instead roll onto my back and bring my hands to block the sun. Squinting my eyes open, I take in everyone standing above me, including Becca who’s now joined the mix.

“That was SUCH a foul,” I mumble for the second time in the past five minutes and then shut my eyes again.

“I’m not sure if you can technically call a foul on a player on your own team,” Trace starts but shuts his mouth pretty quickly when I narrow my eyes at him. Smart boy.

“Can you get up?” Becca asks.

I’m so tired that I’d like to just stay laying here for a few more days but the possibility of sweat dripping onto me from one of the guys as they lean over me is becoming a large and disgusting threat. I accept Justin’s outstretched hand and let him pull me into a standing position. Once I’m up I lean over and examine my knee.

“You actually did make me bleed,” I say, punching Trace in the arm. “Jerk.”

“Hey!” he exclaims, grabbing his arm. “I didn’t intentionally push you down.”

I don’t verbally answer but instead merely point to my knee. “Jerk.”

“You should clean that cut out,” Becca says, going into full nurse mode. “Do you have any rubbing alcohol, Justin?”

“Somewhere. I can find it.”

I begin to hobble towards the door and after a few steps Justin joins me.

“Are you actually okay?” he asks as we walk away from everyone.

I nod. “Yeah. But I’m thinking of drawing it out and make Trace feel really bad.”

He laughs and holds open the patio door for me. “Good idea. He deserves it for body checking you.”

“Oh like you and Ben were any better,” I say, wincing a bit as we climb the stairs to the second floor. “If I didn’t have excellent balance I would have been on the ground every time you guys ‘accidentally’ ran into me.”

He throws a grin over his shoulder at me and shrugs. “It’s not like this is the first time you’ve played with us.”

So maybe that’s true and maybe I knew what I was getting myself into. “I’m never playing on Trace’s team ever again.”

Justin merely shrugs again and leads me into his bathroom. I sit on the counter and wait as he squats down and rummages through the cabinet under the sink.

“Are you planning on feeding us all because I’m starving,” I say as I stare at the top of his head.

“You should cook us something.”

“Cook you hooligans something after you guys abuse me?” I ask. “You’re joking, right?”

Justin straightens, smiling. “Abuse is a bit harsh, Chief.”

“Are you seriously saying that as my knee is bleeding?” I ask and make a grab for the bottle of rubbing alcohol he has in his hand. He shakes his head.

“I got it. We’re the one’s who ‘abused’ you, after all.”

I laugh and lean back, using my palms on the counter to support me. I watch Justin pour some rubbing alcohol on a cotton ball and then press it to my knee. It stings and I wince a bit but don’t say anything. He’s just going to make fun of me if I make a big deal out of it.

“Is it bad?” I ask, leaning forward to try and see it.

“Not too bad.” He pulls away the cotton ball and replaces it with a couple bandaids. “I think you’ll make it.”

“I better or who’s going to make you guys something to eat?”

He straightens with a smile. “You’re going to make us something to eat?”

“I suppose. I’m taking it you have food in the house.”

“Some.” He falls silent and my brow furrows a bit. He’s just standing here staring at me. This isn’t the first time he’s done it but there’s just something different about it this time. I can’t handle it for long and within a minute of the quiet, I move to the edge of the counter to get down. Problem is, when I slide off, he doesn’t move back and suddenly I’m flush against him. My lips part, about to ask him what’s going on, but it’s as if that’s what he’s been waiting for and suddenly his lips are crushed against mine.

And I didn’t even have to ask for him to kiss me this time.

Obviously this is a stupid thing to be doing. I know where Justin stands on the whole relationship thing and I know there’s a massive chance that this is going to change nothing. But does that really stop me from wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him back? Yeah right.

Justin’s lips never leave mine but his hands travel down to my hips and then he’s hoisting me back onto the counter and stepping in between my legs, bringing us even closer together if that’s possible. I’m kissing him back as much as possible, as if trying to make up for lost time.

I wish it could just stay like this. When we’re alone, things are perfect. If it wasn’t for Ben, it could always be like this. There wouldn’t have to be any worry about secrets or about friendships being ruined. It would just be Justin and I and nothing else would matter.

Justin’s lips pull away from mine so suddenly that I’m not even a bit prepared for it. My eyes snap open to see him breathing heavily. His head is dropped down to his chest and I wish I could see his eyes so I could figure out what’s going on in his head. I don’t even bother to try and verbalize my thoughts, knowing he should be the one who speaks first.

It’s quiet for too long and I’m about to demand him to say something when he lifts his head. My words die in my throat as his eyes search mine.

“That was really stupid of me,” he says. “Shit, just when things are going back to normal I mess it up like that.”

I push aside a flippant answer, figuring that this would be the time to be honest. “That wasn’t messing anything up,” I say. A sad sigh escapes me. “That was so perfect.”

He gives a rueful smile and runs his hand down my cheek before dropping it to his side. “Which is what sucks. It would be easier if that was horrible.”

I smile even though I know I shouldn’t. I KNOW that I shouldn’t be okay with what’s going on here. I KNOW that I should be mad at Justin for doing this to me again. I KNOW that he could just tell Ben and we wouldn’t have to be doing this.

Sometimes you can know all these logical things but then a stupid thing called love blinds you to everything. I can try and will up these emotions in me to be upset but it’s like I just can’t find the motivation to do it. At least I know that’s sad and pathetic. I guess that’s a step in the right direction.

“So what is this, Justin?” I make myself ask, my words sounding so formal in the air.

He presses his lips together and then releases them and I’m itching to kiss them again. “I don’t know.” His eyes meet mine head on. “I just don’t know what to do, Em. I’m tired of screwing you over like this…but I don’t know.”

“You’re not screwing me over,” I say but it’s kind of true. I shouldn’t even argue with it so I shut my mouth.

“Yeah I am,” he sighs. “And I’m sorry. I’m trying to just get things back to normal but when I’m around you it’s like I can’t even control myself.”

I know it’s taking a lot out of him to say all this. He’s so private with his emotions and he hates letting people see any of his weaknesses. I don’t even know how to respond to his words so instead I lean forward and wrap my arms around him, resting my forehead on his shoulder. His arms go around me and he pulls me tight against him.

“It’s not like I was complaining,” I finally mumble into his shoulder.

“No you weren’t,” he says, a smile obvious in his voice. I feel him kiss the top of my head and I lift it and accept his warm lips against mine again. The kiss is less intense this time but still leaves me feeling a little weak.

He pulls back after a minute, his mouth already forming an apology. I cut him off before he can get any words out.

“Don’t. Let’s just leave this at what it is.” I want to just demand something, some kind of commitment, but I know this way we can avoid reliving any bad emotions.

He stares at me for a minute, his eyes flickering down to my lips a couple times. “It is what it is?”

I smile a bit as he repeats my words from a few days prior. “Exactly.” I could just leave it at that but I have to say the next words so he knows this won’t always be cool. “For now, it is what it is.”

He stares at me for a bit longer and then eventually nods. “Okay.”

I give him a push, sending him back a foot backwards and then hop off the counter. “Everyone’s-”

“Going to wonder where we are,” he finishes for me and nods. He opens the bathroom door and I follow behind him downstairs. “What are you going to cook?”

“I don’t know. What will people want?”

He just shrugs and we walk through the kitchen and back outside. Everyone is sitting on lawn chairs around the pool and they all look towards us as we walk over.

“Took you long enough,” Trace says. “I thought maybe you were amputating the leg or something.”

“I’m sorry it took so long to pick the GRAVEL out of my skin,” I respond, sitting down in an empty chair.

Trace laughs. “You’re so dramatic.” He gestures to my knee. “It’s like a scratch.”

“It doesn’t look bad but it still hurts,” I say, reaching my uninjured leg out to kick his foot. “You know, usually the person who caused the injury has a little more sympathy.”

Trace looks like he’s ready to respond but before he can, Becca, who has been staring at me ever since I sat down, suddenly grabs my arms and drags me up to stand with her.

“Uhh…” Ben says and all three guys look at us confused.

“Feminine issues!” Becca announces and then drags me across the yard.

“If you need a tampon you can just ask,” I manage to get out as I stumble behind her. “They don’t care.”

Becca says nothing until we’re in the house. She then points an accusatory finger at me. “Your lips are suddenly very red.”

My face goes suddenly very red as well and my hand shoots up to my face to cover my mouth. “Um.”

Becca crosses her arms over her chest. “What ever happened to you guys being broken up?”

The one good thing about Becca knowing about Justin and my relationship was that when we broke up, I didn’t have to pretend like nothing had happened when I was around her. I had confided everything in her and she knew almost every single messy detail.

“Um…”

Her eyebrows rise. “Um? Seriously, that’s all you can say? Are you guys hooking up again?”

“No. I mean…not really. We just…kissed.” I begin to bite my lower lip but then quickly release it. That’s probably not going to help the redness situation any. “It doesn’t mean anything.”

“You don’t just kiss the guy you just broke up with and have it mean nothing! It means a lot!”

I wince a bit at Becca’s loud voice but don’t bother stopping her. I know I’m being stupid and I deserve to have someone yell at me. “Okay.”

“No, not okay. If he can’t get the courage to tell Ben that he’s in love with you than screw him! Don’t let him walk all over you like this! You deserve better.”

“Okay,” I repeat. “I know.”

“Then don’t let him get near you again until he’s grown a set of balls.” Her eyes narrow at me. “This is the first time this has happened, right?”

“Yeah. Well, kind of. A couple days ago there was this thing…”

“You’re JOKING right? Why…” She shakes her head. “You know what, I don’t even want to know.” She takes a deep breath and drops her arms to her side. “Don’t let him do this to you again, Em. Do you really want to go through all that hurt again?”

I slowly shake my head.

“Good. I know he’s charming and shit but just use your head when you’re around him, okay?”

I nod and lean back against the counter as Becca shakes her head one last time and then goes back outside, leaving me alone in the kitchen.

Funny how someone can say things that make so much sense and are so completely logical and yet I know next time I’m with Justin, all those things are going to be so far out of my mind I won’t even know they exist.

I wish you were a stranger I could disengage...

All At Once-The Fray
Over My Head-The Fray