Weather has the power to change my moods. When it’s sunny and hot outside I’m almost incapable of being in a bad mood. How can you be when there are no clouds in the sky and it literally feels like the sun is kissing your skin? On those days I feel like nothing can possibly go wrong.

But then you get a day like today when it’s been pouring ever since I woke up. I got up and took one look at the gloomy outdoors and all I wanted to do was crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head, and sleep the day away. The sky is crying and it’s making me want to let out some tears too.

There are certain moments of clarity of your life and mine came at 7:04 on a cold, rainy Saturday morning.

Being with Justin the way I am is a mistake. Not being with Justin at all is a mistake. With the current situation and my current feelings towards him there is no happy medium. There is only this teeter-totter of emotions that I can’t find a balance for.

And I feel stupid for letting it go on like this. I know I’m getting too invested in my relationship with him again and that I’m ultimately hurting myself. I think that Lola and Becca don’t understand that I get what I’m doing to myself. I’m not completely oblivious. And when I’m away from Justin I get a burst of will and I feel like I could end anything I wanted at any given time. But then when I’m with him I lose all that and I can’t imagine saying or doing anything that would take me away from everything that Justin and I share.

How do you just give up on someone you love? Even when the situation is so much less than ideal, it doesn’t take away from the fact that I truly do love him. I love him so much it hurts. And I know it would hurt more to have to break that love than it does to have to hide it from everyone else.

I’m getting antsy just laying in bed so I push back the covers I had just previously pulled back over me and stand up. Lola had a date with Mitch last night and never came home and the apartment is silent. I go into the bathroom and put the plug in the bathtub. A shower would definitely be quicker but I’m hoping a bath will be more soothing.

I didn’t bother with my contacts or my glasses before slipping into the hot water. Sometimes blurry is just better.

As I stretch out in the tub I try and picture what my life would be like if I just cut off Justin completely. I wouldn’t have to talk to him on the phone or go over to his house or come home and find him randomly sitting in my living room or taking a nap in my bed. I could limit the time we see each other to group get togethers.

The thought of that makes me want to either throw up or cry. Maybe both. I cannot just cut him from my life like that. How do you cut your best friend from your life and just continue on?

But at the same time, how can I go on like this? It seems both Justin and I are purposely avoiding the talk about what our relationship currently is. It’s just easier to go with the moment than try and put a label on things that neither of us can agree on.

Can Ben just go away and then none of this will even be an issue?

I sit in the tub until my skin is wrinkling up and the water has turned lukewarm. It seems to take so much extra effort to pull myself up and wrap my terry cloth robe around me. The weather officially brought me down this morning and sitting here thinking for the past thirty minutes hasn’t exactly helped the situation.

I’m just twisting my wet hair up in a clip when I hear the front door slam and Lola yelling my name. I tighten the belt of my robe and then open the bathroom door and slowly walk out. It just takes one second before I’m taken in the flurry that is currently Lola.

“Em! I was right! He asked!”

After dating for two years, Lola and Mitch are super serious and she had been telling me for the past month that she thought he was going to propose. Then last night when he was taking her out to a fancy restaurant, she had told me that she was sure it was going to be the night. From the huge rock on her engagement finger, I guess she was right.

My mood may have sucked, but it’s hard not to be excited for your best friend when she gets engaged. A smile breaks onto my face and I pull her into a hug.

“I knew it! Tell me all about it!”

For the next hour I lived vicariously through Lola as she told me about her amazing night and Mitch’s romantic proposal. She was completely glowing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so happy. And I’m so happy for her too. She and Mitch are perfect for each other and even after I had only met him a couple times, I could picture them someday married.

“We should go out and celebrate tonight,” I say once Lola had finished telling me about her night.

“Totally! I was thinking that too. Maybe go out for a really nice dinner? I could call and see if that party room at Franco’s is open and we could rent that out.”

“That’d be fun. Who do you want there?”

Lola started listing off names, most of whom I expected. When Justin’s name exited her mouth, I couldn’t stop my eyebrows from rising.

“Really?”

“Didn’t I tell you he called me last night and apologized for yelling at me on Thursday.”

“He did?”

“Yeah. He said that he shouldn’t have been rude and that I caught him at a bad moment but that that isn’t an excuse. He sounded really sincere.”

I smile a bit. “Well he likes you, Lola. He doesn’t want you to hate him.”

“I never hated him. He’s being a jerk and he was rude to me but at least he apologized for it.”

“So you want him there tonight?”

“Sure. You want him there, right?”

I shrug and bring up my hand to examine my nails.

“Do you not want him there?”

“No, invite him. I guess it would be weird if you didn’t.”

“Is he why you’re looking so bummed this morning?”

I sigh and play with a loose string on the sleeve of my robe. “Yeah.”

“Want to talk about it?”

I don’t want to tell her about my depressing drama when she should be all excited about her engagement. This is my problem and she shouldn’t have to worry about it. Not today. I force a smile onto my face.

“No. It’s fine.”

“You’re sure?”

No. “Yeah.”

Lola jumps up from the couch. “Okay well I have to go shower and then go to my parents. Are you going to chill here for a while?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll give you a call when plans for tonight are final.”

“Okay.”

I turn my head to stare out the window as Lola goes into the bathroom and shuts the door behind her. The rain’s turned a bit violent and is pounding against the window with the wind blowing the trees. I’m so glad I don’t have to go to work today. I can hardly find the strength to lift my head off the back of the couch, let alone be at all productive.

I wonder if Justin will even come tonight. I haven’t seen him for a couple days now and I feel like it’s going to be strange to hang out with him in a big group. Almost every time we’ve hung out over the past couple weeks we’ve been alone and we can do whatever we want and don’t have to hide the fact that at one point we dated. I’m going to have to go back to watching myself and what I say tonight.

* * *

I give it a full minute in between when Emily leaves the table to go to the washroom and when I push back my chair and excuse myself from the group. Nobody seems to think twice about it and I quickly make my way through the restaurant and to the back hallway where the bathrooms are. I lean against the wall opposite the women’s washroom, waiting for Emily.

It’s been hard to keep conversation light with her tonight. She looks particularly good and ever since I rested my eyes on her, I haven’t been able to look away. It’s been torture to not be sitting right next to her. Most of her attention’s been directed towards Lola and I really need some of her attention for myself.

The door opens and I smile when Emily steps out. Her steps halt when her eyes land on me.

“What are you doing out here?”

I glance behind her into the bathroom and when I see that it looks empty, I step towards her and give her a nudge back in. She stays silent and let’s me push the door shut behind us.

“What?” she questions once we’re alone.

I shrug and smile. “Ever feel like we haven’t gotten to even carry on a conversation together with all those other people out there?”

She arches an eyebrow. “And so you came to the women’s bathroom to carry on a conversation?”

I laugh slightly. “I thought this was the most appropriate place to do so.”

She smiles but it falters slightly when I loop my finger in the front loop of her jeans and tug her closer to me. I wait until her face loses the sudden uncertainness on it and then lean down and brush my lips against hers. Everything is right in the world when her hands trail up my sides and her lips move against mine.

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody’s watching
We might make out when nobody’s there

This is stupid to be doing this. Anyone could walk in at any given moment. Like I really care at this point though.

Emily pulls back after a minute with a small laugh. “Is this how you normally carry on conversation?”

I grin down at her. “Of course. Haven’t you ever noticed that before?”

“I must have missed that.”

I lean down and kiss her briefly and then pull back again so I can see her face. “So I’m glad Lola forgave me for snapping at her and invited me tonight.”

“Yeah. It was nice of you to apologize.”

I shrug, playing it off. Like it was no big deal to suck up my pride and apologize for yelling at her when secretly, I’m kind of glad I did simply because I still feel that what I said needed to be said. “It was the right thing to do.”

“She was glad you did.”

“It’s really great about her and Mitch huh? I’m happy for them.”

At the mention of Lola and Mitch, Emily’s face brightens but only for a second before falling. She looks like she’s trying to hide that emotion and my brow furrows as I can actually see a series of emotions struggle for face time. Her eyes look down at the small space in between us and I can no longer read her emotions.

“Why do you look less than happy?” I ask, trying to take a stab at her emotional state. “Do you have a thing for Mitch that no one knows about?”

She doesn’t smile at my feeble attempt at a joke but instead pulls at my hand until I unhook my fingers from her belt loops. Once free, she steps back and goes over to the sink. I watch her stare at her reflection in the mirror for almost a full minute before she gives her head a shake and turns back around.

“Everyone’s going to wonder where we went,” she says, her face unreadable.

“But-”

She brushes past me, not even pausing when I reach out to touch her arm. She opens the door and then turns back to look at me.

“Are you coming?”

I give her a weird look but follow her anyways. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her mood switch so fast. One minute she’s playful and laughing and the next she’s completely somber like someone just died. She’s making no sense.

We rejoin the table and except for the narrowed eyes from Trace, no one seems to have made any notice of our absence. I’m distracted the entire rest of the meal, my mind not being able to tear away from what happened in the bathroom. Even now, while Emily seems to be having a great time with everyone, I can tell she’s putting on a show. When she smiles, her eyes aren’t crinkling up like they always do and her laugh is quiet. When she really laughs, it’s always loud, almost to the point of being excessive. And whenever she thinks the attention isn’t focused on her, she’s staring off across the restaurant, her eyes sad.

What the hell is going on with her? Was it something I said in the bathroom? I keep trying to recall exactly what I said and nothing I can remember is coming to mind that would have depressed her this much.

People start to disperse around ten thirty but I hang around until I see Emily gathering her stuff. I move to walk out with her but get distracted when Mitch starts talking to me. When I finally break away from him, Emily’s gone and I quickly excuse myself, wanting to catch her before she leaves.

“Emily!” I have to yell her name once I spot her form walking to her car in order to be heard over the rain. It hasn’t stopped all day but at least now it isn’t pounding down like it was this afternoon. Pulling up the hood of my sweatshirt, I start walking towards her.

Emily turns around and her eyes connect with mine. She doesn’t stop but her steps slow enough that I can easily catch up with her.

A hundred thousand words could not quite explain
So I walk you to your car
And we can talk it out in the rain

“What’s going on?” I ask once I reach her. I try and grab her arm to halt her pace but she pulls away from my grasp and continues on her way to her car.

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit. You were fine and then as soon as I mentioned Lola and Mitch being engaged you got all depressed and you haven’t been the same since. You were miserable the whole meal.”

“I was not.”

“Come on, Em. You know I know you well enough to see past the show you were putting on for everyone else. You’re not happy.”

We reach her car and she stops. “So maybe I’m not.”

“Why?” I question again. “What is it about Lola and Mitch that has you so upset?”

She reaches up a hand and pushes her now wet hair away from her face. Her chin trembles a bit and I shake my head a bit as I realize she’s on the verge of tears. What the hell?

“I’m trying to be happy for them but it’s just a little hard,” she finally says, looking away from me.

“Why?”

She takes a few deep breaths and I’m pretty sure that some of that wetness running down her cheeks are tears, not rain. “Because…because it’s hard to see your friend getting engaged and being so happy when I’m so completely not.”

Her words sting a bit and I don’t know what to say. “Oh,” I settle with.

She points her finger at me and then at herself. “We can’t do this anymore. I can’t be in this constant teeter-totter of being your friend and being your girlfriend. I don’t know what we are and it’s killing me.”

Her voice is breaking and I wish I could say something to fix this. “I…” I have no words and I trail off.

“How long exactly do you want to go on doing this?” she asks, wiping the moisture from her cheeks. “We aren’t friends but we’re not going out. I don’t even know what to say to you anymore.”

That last sentence hurts more than anything else and a lump rises in my throat. I swallow hard a couple times. “I know what we’re doing isn’t helping anything,” I start. “But-”

“No,” she cuts me off. “We can’t keep having this recycled conversation over and over.” She’s shivering from the cold rain but not making any move to get into her car. “I know that you’ve had a lot of issues with people you thought were friends betraying you in the past and I know that Ben has always been there for you and that’s why you’re so damn loyal to him. I hate it but I know where you’re coming from. But you have to stop using it as an excuse. I don’t want to just be your friend with benefits. I don’t want to just be your friend. I want to be your girlfriend. I don’t know what else I can even be at this point.”

My shoulders drop and it feels like all the air in my lungs has escaped me. It takes a few seconds before I’m able to suck in another breath. “I’m sorry,” I say because at this point I feel like I can’t say that enough. “I shouldn’t be letting all this happen between us but I’m the same as you. I don’t know how to go back to just being your friend. Not after everything that happened. I know you want me to just be your friend but-”

“Do you honestly think that?” she asks, stopping me. “Do you really think that I want you to just be my friend?”

I hadn’t really thought about the words before I had said them so I simply wipe some rain from my face and don’t say anything. She continues.

“I want to go back to how it was but without all the secrecy.”

A sick feeling goes through me and I pray she isn’t going to ask me to go back to how it was. We can’t.

Emily wraps her arms around her stomach and looks to the side, drops of rain falling from her nose and chin. When she finally speaks, her voice is so soft that I have to strain to hear it over the rain.

“You want to know the real reason why I’m upset about Lola and Mitch?” she says and then looks as if she immediately regrets the question and shakes her head.

“What?” I press when she doesn’t continue her thought.

“Nothing,” she mumbles.

“Seriously, Em. What were you going to say?”

“I’m just going to freak you out.”

I’m growing exasperated. “You’re not going to freak me out. Just tell me.”

Her eyes rise to meet mine and they’re wet with tears. “What if we were meant to be the way Lola and Mitch are, Justin? What if we are meant to be married and be together forever? And because of Ben, that’s never going to happen.”

I can’t help but freak a bit at the mention of marriage. Thinking long term like that makes me anxious. “I-I, uh,” I stutter, trying to think of some way to respond to her words. When I don’t come up with anything after a few seconds, she shakes her head.

“Nevermind. Forget I said anything,” she says and then unlocks her car door and gets in.

I know I should stop her and talk this out. But her words are ringing through my head and jumbling my thoughts to a point where I’m helpless to do anything but watch her start her car and drive away.

The rain is still pounding down on me as I stand there and it takes me a few long moments before I become aware of this and make my way to my car. I can’t get Emily’s words out of my head and it’s giving me a headache. I just want to go home, take a shower, and sleep this all away.

I get into my car and turn on the heater full blast, needing to get rid of the chill that the rain has set into my bones. As I wait for the car to warm up, I rest my forehead against the steering wheel and squeeze my eyes shut.

Emily’s usually right but I don’t want to think about what it means if she’s right with what she said tonight. Am I actually ruining my future by being loyal to Ben? That isn’t possible, is it?

I need to work this out with her. I know I do and that’s what makes me do a quick u-turn and head in the opposite direction of my house.

Not that you’re the one
Not to say I’m right
Not to say today
And not to say a thing tonight

Delicate-Damien Rice
Unsaid-The Fray