“You’re crazy for going out running. It’s like a hundred degrees out there.”

I don’t lift my head from my bent position as I try to catch my breath. As always, Lola is right but I don’t want to admit that. “I feel great,” I manage to get out in between my still uneven breaths.

She snorts. “Yeah, you look it.”

An old towel lands on my shoulder and I grab it and wipe my face with it. I don’t think I’ve ever sweat this much before and I feel disgusting. When I got up an hour ago, taking a jog outside seemed like the best way to clear my head and get some tension out. Now curling into a fetal position sounds like the best option.

“How far did you go?”

I finally straighten and push my shoes off my feet. “Down to that park by the mall.”

“You’re crazy,” Lola repeats. “You probably got heat stroke.”

I’m slowly regaining my breath and the air conditioning of our apartment is cooling me down. “I’m good. I actually feel pretty good.”

“I’ll believe that when your face isn’t the same shade as a tomato.”

I wipe my face again and trail the towel down my neck. “No really. The endorphins are kicking in.”

“You are so full of shit.”

I smile and stretch my arms above my head. Okay so maybe I’m tired and sore but I do feel better. I woke up this morning feeling like I was going to explode if I didn’t go do something and at least now I feel somewhat normal again.

“So what are you doing today?”

I don’t even consider telling Lola what my plans for the day are. I guess I could since it’s not like she wouldn’t be anything but approving of them and there’s no way she would talk me out of it. But I’m doing this for myself and I just don’t want anyone else to know. I don’t want my mind clouded with anything that Lola thinks I should accomplish with my day’s mission. I need a clear head for this.

“Not sure yet.” I begin to walk towards the bathroom. “I need to shower.”

“Yeah you do!” Lola yells after me and I laugh as I shut the door behind me. A minute later I’m standing under a hot spray of water, my eyes shut and my mind going a mile a minute. I had this resolution in me when I woke up this morning and I have no idea where it came from. And considering it was a bit of a reckless plan that normally I wouldn’t even entertain, I decided that I would get up, go for a long run and if I got back and was still as sure about it as I was when I first got up, then I would do it.

I know I’m about to do something that will either make things a lot better or screw up everything to a point of no return. I always evaluate plans like this to an almost irritating detail but this…I’m just going for it and it’s sending butterflies through me.

I’m going over a million speeches in my head as I get out of the shower, get dressed, and do my hair. I know it’s pointless because I’m not going to remember any of these rehearsed words once I’m actually trying to spit them out. But at least doing this is letting me distract myself so I don’t talk myself out of doing this.

It’s strange to drive to Ben’s condo. When we were dating this was such a familiar route and now it seems almost foreign as I turn onto residential roads. I honestly thought I was never going to ever have a reason to be back here. Guess I was wrong in a big way.

Ben’s car is sitting in the driveway and I park beside it. I don’t allow myself to sit in the car after I turn it off in fear that I’ll talk myself out of this. As Justin’s friend, I should talk myself out of this. But I’m pretty sure that at this point, I’m past the point of being Justin’s friend and this has to happen.

With probably the most purpose I’ve had in weeks, I walk up the front door. The first bit of hesitation goes through me as my finger hovers over the door bell but I push it aside with a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, Justin,” I whisper and then press my finger on the doorbell and listen to the ring echo through the house.

I only have to wait for a few seconds before I hear footsteps. Knowing there’s no turning back now, I wet my lips and wait.

Ben seems completely surprised to see me standing there. I barely allow him to utter a “hello” before I push past him into the house.

“I need to talk to you.”

He stares at me for a second before closing the door behind me. “Okay.”

I march through the house to the living room and motion for him to sit down. This situation is incredibly awkward but I don’t let myself think too much about it and instead concentrate on getting my words out.

“Look,” I start and then trail off. Damnit, why can’t I remember everything I had thought up in the car on the way over here? Everything had sounded so good in my head but now that I’m standing here, staring right at Ben, nothing is coming to mind. I don’t even know why I’m trying to sugarcoat this. Anyways I say it is going to come out bad so I might as well just get it out.

“Look,” I start again. “I know how you and Justin are really great friends and you guys have your guy code thing and shit. I get all that. And I shouldn’t be the one telling you this but I am cause I’m sick of it. So just let me say this.” I’m kind of rambling but I just can’t get the words to string together right.

“A couple months after you and I broke up Justin and I started dating.” Wow, that was easier to get out that I thought. The words practically fell from my mouth. I guess after holding them in for so long they were itching to get out.

Ben’s face has never been more unreadable and I can’t figure out if he’s pissed off or shocked or what. He’s just staring at me and my heart starts to speed up with nervousness and I start talking again, needing to just fill the silence since he’s obviously not going to.

“We kept it a secret from everyone because Justin didn’t want to betray his friendship with you by dating me. And it’s not like I wanted to date him to get back at you or anything. We really like each other.”

Ben’s still not moving or saying anything and my nervousness is manifesting itself into irritation. I don’t like how he’s just staring at me with this stupid slack face. Show some damn emotion! Now I’m just getting angry.

“So then a few weeks ago Justin just calls me up out of NOWHERE and dumps me because he said that he couldn’t do this to you anymore. Like you deserve anything after what you did to me.”

Ben’s jaw clenches a bit but that’s it so I keep talking. I can feel my heartbeat increasing and my legs are starting to shake as I get more upset at how he’s just sitting there.

“So since then our friendship is basically shit cause neither of us knows how to act around the other one. So not only did I lose this guy that I was in love with-yeah, Ben, I’m in love with Justin-but I lose my best friend too. And it’s all because of YOU!”

He finally opens his mouth to say something but I don’t let him get a word out. He had his chance before and how he can just sit there and listen.

“Telling you all this isn’t my place and I know it. But I’m sick of giving Justin all these ultimatums and him not doing anything about it. I know that’s his issue but you’re not innocent in this at all.” I point an accusatory finger at him. “You’re not stupid. You’re perceptive and I know that Justin and I were less than discrete at times. He said that you came right out and asked him if we were dating the night he broke up with me. You knew at that point, didn’t you?” I don’t wait for an answer because I already know what it would be. “You knew that Justin had already broken your stupid guy code shit but instead of just accepting that you just let him break up with me and once again, because of you, I’m miserable.”

Some of this anger should probably be directed to Justin but he’s not here right now and just looking at Ben is pissing me off.

“You know, you can just go to hell,” I state and then force myself to stop. I know I’m on the verge of saying something I’m really going to regret and I don’t need that on top of everything else.

I’m a little out of breath from that entire speech and I suck in a breath and pace back and forth a few times before stopping abruptly and staring at Ben.

“Would you just say something?!” I demand. Why the hell is he still just staring at me? “Stop just sitting there!”

Ben takes a deep breath and his eyes travel to the ceiling before coming back to rest on me. His one arm props up on the back of the couch and he looks at me unblinking for a few long seconds before speaking slowly. “I already know all this, Emily.”

What is he saying? “What?”

His eyes don’t waver from mine. “Justin came over last night and told me everything.”

I think my stomach literally just fell to my feet. There is no way I just heard that right. “What?”

Ben rolls his eyes and stands up. “He came over here at like eleven and went on about everything that had happened between you and him for like two hours. So I don’t need to hear it all again from you.”

My mind is hardly allowing me to absorb this new information. After all the struggles we went through with this topic did Justin really just come over and tell him? What could have made him change his mind?

My legs feel like they’re no longer going to support me and I drop into a nearby chair and stare at the wall blankly for a few seconds before focusing my eyes back on Ben who is simply staring at me. I still can’t read his expression.

“I can’t believe he told you.”

Ben merely shrugs. I stare at him silently for a moment.

“Are you and him still friends?” I have to ask. This is what the issue was the entire time, wasn’t it?

Ben abruptly gets up and goes over to look out the window facing the street. He says nothing and I know him well enough to know not to push the subject. It’s obvious that he’s not exactly happy but it’s clear to at least me that they’ll be fine. If Ben was really going to go postal over this, he wouldn’t have let me in his house in the first place.

I only watch his silent form for a minute before I realize that I’m sitting in my ex boyfriend’s house after finding out that Justin finally did what he needed to do to fix everything. What is wrong with this picture?

“I need to go,” I say as I stand. Ben doesn’t say anything or turn around, which doesn’t surprise me and I see myself out.

I feel like I’m walking on clouds as I make my way to my car. The only thought process that is going through my head is to get to Justin as soon as I can. I can hardly believe this is actually happening.

Sometimes you wait for something to happen for so long that when it actually occurs, you don’t even know what to do with it. I can’t even fathom what it would be like to date Justin and not have to hide it.

I let myself into Justin’s house with the key that he never asked me to give back. I can hear noise coming from the kitchen and hoping that it’s Justin and that he’s alone, I walk towards the sounds.

My footsteps halt and a smile spreads across my face when I step through the doorway and see Justin. He’s standing at the counter with his back to me, singing off key to some Beach Boys song and shaking his ass as he…bakes? There’s ingredients all over the counter but that can’t be right. He doesn’t bake.

He looks ridiculous standing there in that stupid girly apron and a backwards hat. Not to mention he’s committing a major fashion faux pas wearing socks and sandals. Have I mentioned that I’ve never been more in love with him than at this exact moment?

I’m across the kitchen and my arms are wrapped around him within an instant. He jumps at the contact and quickly turns around.

“Em,” he says but my mouth is covering his before he can get another word out. I kiss him like I’ve been wanting to kiss him for weeks-without hesitation and without regret. Somehow it feels a million times better.

“You told him,” I say when I pull back, holding his face in my hands.

His eyebrows raise a little. “You know?”

“I went over there,” I hesitate for a second, “to tell him myself. But then he said you told him last night.”

He doesn’t seem to care that I decided to tell Ben myself and that makes my smile grow a little bit more.

“What made you decide to finally tell him?” I ask softly, my thumbs moving over his cheekbones.

His eyes never leave mine. “What you said last night really hit me. About if I was messing up our entire futures by refusing to tell him.” He takes a deep breath. “I had never thought about it like that before. And I realized that you weren’t going to wait around forever and that scared me.”

I stop his speech by pressing my lips against his again. Everything he’s saying is so perfect that I can’t help it. When I pull back, he continues, his words rushed as if he’s trying to get everything out as fast as possible.

“So I went over there last night and I told him every single thing about how long I had liked you and how we had started dating secretly because I didn’t want him to hate me for dating you. But I told him that I loved you too much to just be able to end it and leave it at that.”

I rub my thumbs back and forth on the back of his neck. “What did he say?”

“Not a whole lot. He’s pissed but I think we’ll be okay.”

“I think so too.”

He bends his knees so we’re eye level. “Emily, after you left last night I realized fully for the first time how stupid I’ve been. I mean I know I’ve been an idiot but I really got it last night. I don’t even know how you’ve dealt with me.”

A smile curves my lips and I kiss him briefly. “It’s not that hard to deal with someone when you love them like I love you.”

He wraps his arms around me and then straightens, pulling me off the ground. It feels like he’s crushing me as he hugs me tight but I’m not about to complain. It’s the best feeling I’ve had in a long time. The kind of feeling you get when you pull on a pair of jeans fresh from the dryer on a cold morning. It’s waking up in the morning to discover you have another ten minutes to sleep. It’s the smell of fresh baked bread and the warmth of sun on your face.

When he lowers me to the ground a minute later, I open my eyes and they connect with the mess on the counter.

“What exactly are you doing in here?” I ask.

Justin looks over his shoulder and shakes his head. “I was making you cupcakes.”

A smile spreads across my face. “Cupcakes?”

“I couldn’t sleep last night and I was trying to think how I could even begin to make up to you all that I’ve put you through the past couple months. I thought cupcakes might be a good start.” He sighs and looks at the disaster on the counter. “I’ve already messed up two batches though. I’m doing something wrong.”

A laugh escapes me and I rest my head on his chest. “You don’t need to make me cupcakes to make up for everything.”

“I don’t?”

“Nope.” I snake my arms around him. “I don’t need cupcakes. Maybe just a Carribean vacation or a new car.”

He laughs and gives my side a squeeze. “You do realize that I would do both those things, right?”

Smiling, I turn so I’m facing him and I can fully hug him, his body solid and true against me. “Don’t go crazy and do any of that. You know you don’t need to.”

His smile is beautiful and my insides are warm the moment I see it spread across his face. “I love you so much, Em.”

I love hearing him say that. “I love you too.”

I guess that over the past couple months Justin and my relationship has been sun mixed with rain. And at times I really almost did believe what everyone around me was saying that I was hurting myself with it all. But now, standing here with Justin’s arms squeezing me against him, I know that a rainbow has finally emerged and is here to stay.