it hurts my soul
Cos I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cos I, I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from

“Do you think I’m doing the right thing?” I glanced at over at Amy, whose brown eyes were boring into my green ones questioningly.

She shrugged “Depends on what you’re talking about.”

It was around 12 in the afternoon and Amy and I were walking throughout Los Angeles. We spent most of the day walking around the city just seeing the sites and taking in all of its wonders. I had a million things to do before tomorrow but, I was blowing them off to spend time with Amy. Amy and I haven’t really had bonding time since this whole ordeal began and I needed to get a few things off my chest before my big day.

“I invited him” I said offhandedly, after we walked into a clothing boutique. I knew she was going to get mad I just had to admit it before it drove me crazy.

“Who?” Understanding dawned on her; she suddenly said “You’re lying”.

I faintly smiled.“Nope”

Her jaw dropped and she looked at me incredulously “Why!?!”

I cast my eyes down. I honestly didn’t even know why. “He should be apart of this time in my life.” I Picked up a dress and looked it over. “It’s only fair, he invited me to his.”

“That’s totally different and you know it.” She responded, glaring at me.

“Is it?” I asked. I hate the way she looks at me like I’m crazy. He should be apart of my life. right?

It’s been a year. I’ve been doing good. Talking to him occasionally and what not. He called me out of the blue and asked me if I was going to invite him. What was I going to say no? He’s one of Josh’s best friend. I couldn’t not. I set the dress down and walked over to a rack of shirts and looked through it.

She tailed behind me “I don’t understand you, you have the perfect life. A fiancé that loves you but you’re gonna let him take that from you?”

I quickly look back at her and chewed on my pinky nail. She wouldn’t understand, I love him to much to tell him no. He could have my soul if he asked for it. Don’t get me wrong, I love Josh, I’ve just loved him longer and it’s harder for me to stop. He’s moved past me. Why can’t I move past him? I keep on telling myself I’m doing the right thing that maybe I can get over him but it’s not that easy. I know she thinks me horrible but I can’t just not invite him. I still harbor some feelings for him even if he doesn’t reciprocate those feelings. “He’s not taking anything from me.” I finally said.

She shook her head, “I wonder what Joshua thought of this,”

“I haven’t told him yet, “I grunted as I turned back to the rack of shirts. Yet another thing I’m not looking forward to. Josh will go ballistic. He knows about my past with him. Sure their still best friends and Josh would have invited him, but if he finds out I invited him with out telling him he’ll be angry with me. He wants me to tell him everything so we’re apart of each others lives. Since were getting married and all. There’s just something’s I don’t feel comfortable telling him.

She rolled her eyes then picked up a shirt and sized it up to me, “You’re digging a hole you won’t be able to get out of Julie”

“I know what I’m doing, thank you very much.” I lied. Sue me. I couldn’t admit I was confused. Not to her. She’d make me un-invite him and I don’t think I have enough will power to do it.

She obviously saw right through my façade. “No you don’t. You always let him come. Use you. Then leave and you don’t do shit about it!”

I jumped at the tone of voice she used then looked around. “Lower your voice, People are starting to stare”

She took a deep breath then said “Why do you do this to yourself? Do you like the pain?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about”

She looked me up and down then snarled, “I’m talking about you allowing Justin waltz to come into your life and ruin it, then allowing him to go back to his.”

It was my turn to roll my eyes, “You wouldn’t understand”

“Try me.”

“I love him.”

“You love Josh. Besides Justin’s getting married”

“Don’t you think I know all this? “

“Apparently you don’t. You must live in this world were fairy tails come true. reality check not everyone ends up with who they want to be with. You just got lucky and ended up with a good man, but you’re willing to throw it all away for someone who doesn’t give a shit about you.”

He cares. I think. I know I should be happy with Josh he’s wonderful. It’s just, Every time I look into Josh’s eyes I don’t see him gazing back at me I see Justin. You may think that I’m a horrible person, using a good man for my own selfish needs. Hell I think that to. The reality of it is I can’t live without Justin. I don’t know why. I just can’t. It’s been three years and yet I keep, calling him, hanging out with him, and plain out falling for him, over and over again. I can’t give him up. He was my strength. My weakness. My everything. Josh knows all of that. He still wants to stay with me though.

Josh was there when I was infatuated with Justin when they were all in NSYNC. Josh was there when I would talk about Justin non stop to whoever would listen. Josh was there when I cried because Justin cheated on me. I should love Josh like I love Justin. He was always there, for some reason I just can’t bring myself to feel the same way, as I do for Justin, for him. That thought made me cry. Josh loves me with every fiber of his being yet I love Justin with every fiber of mine.

I'm about to break
I can't stop this ache
I'm addicted to your lure
and I'm feeling for a cure
Every step I take
Leads to one mistake
I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need...

Amy looked at me and gaped, “Julie don’t cry.” She hugged me. “He’s not worth your tears.”

I silently wept into her shoulder, “That’s just it Amy. He is to me" I sniffed "He is to me.”

What did I do to deserve
the pain of this moment
and everywhere I turn
I keep going right back
to the one thing that I need to walk away from