Mariah’s POV
I was so fucking glad I made it out of the house alive; it was a close call. I joined him as we walked hand in hand to the front door.
I looked around me, taking in the lifestyle. I wanted to memorize what I saw and lock it up forever. It was peaceful and I wasn’t scared to be at the back end of any surprising incidents. I was truly safe.
I looked at Josh, as he struggles with the keys trying to open the door. I look at his hands, so solid. Strong and serene enough not to betray me. I surely hope so. His hands could caress my bleak nightmares and erase any trace of all-knowing imminent danger. I wanted those hands protecting me from whatever. Safe and secure, I was scared when I knew. I wish he could know that. I wanted to tell him.
I shook myself mentally, he spoke so soft I almost didn’t hear him.
“Sorry, what did you say?” I felt sheepish, standing outside the door.
He touched my hand gingerly, “I said would you like to come in?”
I blushed, laughing, kicking myself for being so dense. I nodded and stepped inside with him. He took my jacket and hung it up as well as my bag and placed it out of our way.
“Thank you.” My voice was small, like a child’s.
He waved as if swatting a fly in the air. “Its not a problem. I was getting wiped myself. I wasn’t sure if you wanted to be alone tonight.”
This keeps getting brought up. I guess me dying would be a bad thing? I suppose I find it hard to believe anyone thinks so. To me it was just as arbitrary as war or disease. Maybe that made better since in my head. I considered everything.
But he was on the right track, “Yeah… I’m sorry if I’m not all there.”
“Come on, let me show you something.”
I followed him outside as he led me to the upstairs roof. I was trying to keep up with him because he was walking a litter faster than me. I guess it was urgent. I wondered what was going on as he opened the door.
I was smiling and I didn’t know why, “Josh, what is this?”
It was just a roof, I didn’t get it.
He didn’t say anything and brought me to the corner. “Just hold on.”
He leaned his back against the edge, “I came here a lot, before the hospital. Haven’t been up here in a while. Whenever I would feel shitty I could come up here and it would just dissipate.”
I mimicked his motions as I drank in his image. I felt like if I said anything it would disrupt the nice atmosphere that surrounded us. He had a really amazing view. One of those views that you can sit from and watch all day until you feel like getting up.
I looked at him. The dark cool breeze painted his face in a multi-colored design I wasn’t familiar with. I loved looking at his face. I trace the image with my eyes, ever so slowly I reach every cut and corner. I remember this moment. This feels so… mystical.
I didn’t let go of his hand. I didn’t want to. I loved the warmth and the conviction in his gesture. We turned around to view the various lights and different colors painted by the city.
This moment was perfect. If I could use that word for anything, its now. The way he was looking, startled my body. I was trembling under his stare. My hair was blowing in my face and I swiped it out of the way.
I was visibly shaking. I tried everything I could to hide it but than I noticed the way he was moving almost like he wanted to admit something.
Words would ruin things now. I didn’t want to say anything because I knew he felt the same. I was lucky. I felt honored in a way.
I found a friend.
I sighed deeply, trying to not sound so out of breath. He was looking at me and I looked away. I didn’t feel ashamed but there was so much in eyes I couldn’t bare the sight.
“I just met you today.”
“Last week. We met last week.”
“I told you, that wasn’t me. Still… Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what? Like you were?”
I was caught again but I couldn’t show it. I was so mixed up in him that I couldn’t control myself. I can’t let this happen. I can’t for any reason, allow myself to be this free. Way too many variables.
“No, I wasn’t doing anything.”
He sighed with a slight groan. I could tell he was mad and I couldn’t blame him. He was trying but I didn’t want him to try. I was caging myself off for a good reason.
“I’m starting to get tired. We could go inside if you want.”
I really felt like I was going to cry myself dry, but nothing. Can’t be open.
I silently nod as we walk back downstairs back to his apartment. The only sounds heard were the crickets and our feet hitting the stairs in warehouse echo staircase.
He was jogging in front of me and didn't even acknowledging my presence once. When we reached the door he left it open for me. I stood still for a second waiting outside. I wasn’t sure if I should step in. I was scared.
I shivered as I cautiously stepped inside trying not to make him anymore mad than he looks. Reminds me of the moments before I would get smacked around. My dad would grab my hair and drag me all around the house until he found a corner. I scream for anyone but I knew it was no use. I killed my voice screaming so much. But my mom didn’t do anything to help. For that, I was stuck, and my only reason was to end it all. I figure things are much more peaceful when you’re not living.
They still are. I can’t deal with trusting someone now. But I didn’t want to kill myself, it didn't make sense.
I shut the door behind me as quietly as I could manage. I took a seat on the couch and sort of fell in. It was one of those fluffy quicksand furnishes that seemed fake but felt really comfy. I bathed in the comfort.
I didn’t know what to do now. I saw him come out of his room, again not looking in my direction. I wish I knew what I did to make him this mad. I didn’t know if I should just find out myself.
I was still shaking from before. I gave away my true colors when he caught me. He sees through this but he can’t. It’s not up to him to save me. Especially when he gets mad for silly things.
I suddenly hated myself. Hated myself for these strong feelings I harbored.
Feeling the tears, I just let them fall. I was destroyed and I did it to myself.
Josh’s POV
I wasn’t doing this on purpose. Mariah wasn’t supposed to look like that. She looked away and my insides broke. I wouldn’t say I was really mad, but I was torn for sure.
Finally, she was opening herself and I thought she agreed with me. Perhaps I’m beating myself too hard on this. I know she felt it. I knew it. I caught her showing me a different side that I could tell she doesn’t show to most people.
I didn’t feel all together sleeping by myself. I was worried about her. I couldn’t close my eyes without thinking about her. Even if I know she’s safe here, I still want to check.
I rubbed my eyes and walked back to the living room. My face instantly woke up at the sight. I see Mariah curled up with her eyes relaxed and closed, least that I know of. My grievances had vanished.
My features softened as I approached her sleeping form. My steps were fluid and I wanted to not interrupt her so suddenly. Her face bore hardships I didn’t notice before. There were lines between her eyes preventing her from full repose.
I didn’t want to leave her here. I wanted her close to me. Somewhere I could watch over her. I ever so slightly try and cradle her body in my arms and pull her up, trying my best to be careful.
I was surprised she didn’t even stir as I started back to my room. I hear little moans and try not to let it deter what I was doing. Everything about her is a huge distraction. I have to push it out.
I place her on the folded side of my bed, I hear her speak.
“Mmh? Josh, what are you doing?”
It was more than a curiosity than being annoyed. But I don’t need to think about resolving this now. Especially when she’s barely conscious.
I shook my head, being gentle as I could, “Don’t worry about it, Mariah. Try and sleep.”
She stretched her body a little before slipping off her shoes. She dove into the covers and I finished covering her up.
I sucked my lip in and just looked at her. Eyes barely open in slits and her mouth slightly ajar. She looked too innocent. My mind was racing on things to tell her, ask her. I had to keep quiet until the time was right.
I got up and set aside her shoes against the end of the bed. I picked up my clothes that I left on the sides and tossed them into the basket.
“You know what I’ve wanted to say for so long?”
I stopped as I heard the breathy question. My back was still until I turned around to face her. I was scared to find out the answer truth be told. I don’t know how many surprises I could stomach.
But something deep inside wanted to know regardless.
“What's that?”
She moans and I get better at avoiding how good it sounds.
“I’m a super fucked up. I scare myself sometimes and I don’t care. A lot of what I say is not worth it. I can’t live with that. I still have thoughts of last week. How I could have handled it. Knowing that I would be in a better place once it happened. There’s a lot you don’t know and that’s the way it should be. I don’t want to be rescued by anyone, but with you, it comes natural to accept it. Maybe I’ll forget about this tomorrow I don’t know. But I wanted you to know that.”
How do I come to terms with something like that. One minute she’s this big mystery, and than its like she wants a confidant. I wrap my thoughts around what was revealed and pause.
Maybe she knows a lot more than she’s given credit for.
“Well, some things are just too complicated to understand. It doesn’t have to be that way. But whatever I say, probably will be forgotten in the morning.”
She sits on her elbow, staring at me. “No, I just felt like I should say something for what happened on the roof. Long story short, I’m a fuck up. That’s the first time I owned up to that. Funny…”
I pulled up a chair next to the bed, “I’m sure that’s not really what’s going on. But I don’t want to place judgment when I don’t have the facts.”
She smirks, “I used to think that way.”
We both exhale from the day. I was so tired and out of it. Well, I wasn’t bored with chatting. I could if I wanted to, do this all night. She needs someone as much as I do. We need each other. At least one thing was certain.
I smiled at her, taking her hand, “Are you feeling tired?”
She does this thing with her eyes where she slowly trails up to look directly at me. Sexy as hell. I can’t help these thoughts now. They’re seeping through me like honey. I wanted this feeling to last and last.
“I’m scared to close my eyes. Lay with me, please?”
“Of course.”
Story Tags: jc
