Mariah’s POV
Ever since Jake arrived, Josh has been acting like Dawson Leary. He followed us around as we talked, I found it disturbing. But Jake wasn’t doing anything. He couldn’t. Eric was so protective over me usually. Jake was Eric’s friend but he was always the kid that would come over everyday.
I knew him since middle school. His family moved from Seattle here because of his dad’s work. At first, I thought he was extremely annoying, but than I found out he’s one of those guys that doesn’t ignore girls.
Since than, we were growing friends but it was usually just he and Eric. Eric was the kind of guy who hung around with the strangest friends. Not that Jake was strange so much; I’d like to say he was “confused” identity-wise.
Jake was a hetero, don’t get me wrong, but he was prettier than me. I always thought he was gay because I hardly ever see him out with a female. I guess that that doesn’t count for a clue; still, I had an inkling. There were other clues. He went to culinary school and became obsessed with baking and pastries. If he was European, I’d get it, but he’s a Seattle flannel wearing grundger through and through so it’s a little tough to judge.
Jake offered to help with cooking some lunch for us. I agreed only if I get to set the table. I’m usually a table setter. So what? I’m lazy…
I almost met God last week; I think I’ve earned the lazy points.
After the table was set I wanted to finish watching The Soup while everything else was getting prepared.
Josh was so close to me it was kind of much now. I felt his eyes burning a hole and I wanted to tell him to back up a little bit but he was coming from a good place. Also, I was too into what I was watching to bother.
I knew it was going to bring me to my boiling point so I decided to break my concentration, “What?”
He acted like he wasn’t being weird. Nice job. “Nothing. How long have you known him?”
I closed one eye, actually counting the years, “Since I was 13. Why?”
He shrugged swatting at the question like it was nothing, “No reason. He’s acting a little too possessive of you.”
I gave a thin smile and rolled my eyes, “He’s always been that way. He was the one who found me last week. So I guess he was more shaken than my parents. Which makes sense.”
Josh played with the bottom hem of his shirt, “Do you like him?”
I raised my eyebrows, “Uh, no. He’s more like a brother to me. Where do you get that idea?”
He suddenly became interested in the show. “Don’t you love it when Joel smacks at those crazy ass dating shows?”
“Yeah? OK, someone’s being strange. Seriously why the questions?”
“Look can you just forget it?”
I sighed. He sounded a little agitated. I wanted to get on his good side. “OK than. I was just asking…”
I felt him hug me. I jumped a little, “I’m sorry, I was curious is all. I’m just looking out for you.”
I playfully pushed him away, “Don’t worry about. I feel like the more I’m around you I’m less likely to try anything anymore.”
“Yeah, I’m beginning to feel that too.” He touches my hair.
I always hated when people do that. Maybe it’s a phobia or something. But it’s different with Josh. He woke me up that way. I was beginning to let it pass.
I loved how gentle he was with me. You may think all of this feeling and emotional ties are moving way too fast. I think so too but I’m not about to ignore it. This is what people dream of. For only 2 days, I got my second chance.
This is what people write about. I could write about it now and I’m not a writer. But I’ve only heard the stories. The little gestures thrown every which way. Sometimes I think it’s too good to be true. Finding someone who gets it. Someone who knows all the ins and outs.
I used to think that was impossible. Going through the gauntlet of life, its bittersweet to find it only this way. Through killing yourself.
Should I just shut out these thoughts and be grateful? I probably will for now since I don’t have a good enough excuse not to. Yeah, we’ll see. If I give things away, it wouldn’t be even a little interesting.
I suddenly wondered what the hell Jake was doing. He said it wouldn’t take longer than 30 minutes. I was too curious. I’ve always hated surprises. I got up and walked over to where he was with his back turned getting something out of the fridge.
I laughed and he turned giving a side smile going back to stirring something in a pan. I looked around me and rolled my eyes. This is only thing he knows how to “cook”.
“What are you doing? We could just go out or something Jake. Josh doesn’t mind.”
I glanced behind me and Josh nodded. He had that confused look again but it looked a lot different this time. Maybe I was reading too much into it. Could be because he doesn’t know Jake.
I looked back at Jake as he shrugged his shoulders. “Nah, its OK. Go sit down, its nearly done.”
Josh peaked into the conversation, “Are you sure you don’t wanna go out? I mean, you don’t have to do all this. Mariah said its fine.”
I narrowed my eyes pointedly at him. What was going on? This was beyond weird. “Josh, its OK. Let's just go sit down.”
He reluctantly took my hand as we sat next to each other at the head of the table. I had a couple of minutes; I had to know for myself what was wrong if anything was.
“Josh, what’s going on?”
He wouldn’t look at me now. It was a therapy session trying to get the kid with the ADD to listen. But something was off.
“Where was he last week?” His voice was stolid, unclenching.
I was scared to answer right away because I haven’t a clue myself. I really thought about this one. Maybe he was and I didn’t know because of the whole “coma” thing I had. But he’s right, all I saw were my parents, which was odd to me because Jake was the one who called the paramedics so I was told.
My fists tightened. I really wasn’t ready to deal with last week. Not with anyone. “Can you just leave it alone, please?”
I hoped if I say please that perhaps it would make things better. But he wanted to probe Jake out, why the fuck was he so paranoid?
He shook his head almost like he didn’t need to hear me, “I bet he wasn’t. Why wasn’t he there yesterday too? What’s his excuse?”
My eyes were as wide as I could make them, “Excuse me? Where do you get the idea that he doesn’t care? You just met him today.”
“Can we just get the hell out of here? Come on, you don’t need this now. We don’t have to talk about what happened, could we just get the fuck outta here?”
I could feel it in my soul; he’s making me die. I didn’t want to bare myself. Not like this. I couldn’t just escape hell on a whim. There’s a lot I don’t know about him. I was sick of him deciding so much for me.
“Let’s get one thing straight, OK? There is no you and me, Josh. I’m not sure if I can trust you. It just doesn’t work like that.”
He scoffed softly, “You know what, your probably right. I need to go back anyway. I’ve only known you for 2 days and there’s a lot that I don’t know. I guess I’ll see you later.”
My heart sped up. Leaving? He’s going?
I didn’t have time to react as he got up ahead of me and practically ran to the door, nearly slamming his rage out for me to clearly spot.
I was mad at him. I was mad at Jake. I was mad at myself trying to build some hope for my second chance. We need to not see each other now. I am truly the most closed off person and I know it.
I pushed myself out of the chair and ran up the stairs at warp speed. I really wanted to kill myself more. Everything around made me sick. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate and have another breakdown.
I know the reason for everything now. The reason why nothing seems to work the way it should.
I am a dunce. It was hopeless to think I could trust him like this. I still wonder if its all too soon to know. Was I overanalyzing everything to the hilt? I couldn’t be sure.
I felt cold now. I looked back at my hand, he just wouldn’t let go. I didn’t want him too. I wasn’t counting the hours, I was living in them. The tension ceased and a calming resolution surfaced. The uneasiness dissipated away and for the first time, my body felt safe, gradually of course. Perhaps I’m being a little melodramatic but hey, this is rare for me. I finally get what it is to know all this.
I can’t say why, I just know. It was in that same certainty when I gave him my ring. It didn’t really have to do with closure. The pain would melt from me and that was left was a new beginning.
Now I was stuck. Trying to burrow myself from his world. It wasn’t right. I felt out of place. This wasn’t what I imagined would happen. Feeling torn. I wanted to suffocate myself for being such a loner.
I grabbed a pen and my notebook diary and began scribbling something on the plain sheets. As I write, my eyes start stinging. I looked at the words as I wrote them. I didn’t know where all this came from, it was just there. I kept on writing.
I stopped, looking it over, soaking in the words. I closed my eyes, throwing the what was in my hands forgotten on the floor, and fell back on the bed.
I didn’t want this.
I was tired but it was still daylight. He left me alone. The shock still burning me. I suppose for now, its something that needs to happen. It was probably best he did leave, I was beginning to think it was too good to be true.
I guess I deserve it for hoping so much. But fuck it, I wanted him and I didn’t care anymore.
Josh’s POV
On the way back I periodically banged the wheel. Was this a good thing? Two fragile people being alone like this. Leaving it on bad terms.
I didn’t want to leave like that. But if I didn’t, I knew all too well, things were going to explode in a fight.
Inside my skin
There is this space...
It twists and turns
It bleeds and aches
I had no intention of bringing that on both our lives. There’s only so much one can hold on to. Was this the right thing though? Five minutes away, that’s all I had left. I squeezed the wheel, gripping onto my sanity. What was left anyway? I wanted to stay, I did, but it wasn’t right. Life sometimes doesn’t work out the way I would like it to.
Inside my heart
There's an empty room.
It's waiting for lightning;
It's waiting for you
I jumped erratically when I heard the car behind me honk the horn. Speeding up, I tried to pay more attention to the street. I needed to just lie down or something. Clear the all the mess. The endless cobwebs that formed when I first started cutting myself. I built myself a whole, and no one was invited.
I am wanting, and...
I am needing you here
Inside the absence of fear
I can’t stop myself from this. I wanted to help her. Maybe I shouldn’t get so invested in something so complicated as is. After I parked, I took my time getting out. I figure I’m going to be bombarded with inane messages so I was in no hurry.
I walked inside and shut the door. The place feels like a Kenny Chesney song. Yep, I was alone again.
I had this strong, overpowering urge inside me to throw caution to the wind and be with her. I should apologize. But this is what we both need. Some space. I just have to let go of it. Let go of her.
My bones call to you
In their separate skin.
I make myself translucent
To let you in
I was brought back when I heard the machine alert me. I went over and pushed the red button.
“Hey Jace, its me. Let me know what’s going on? I was worried man. Call me on the cell when you get this. You know me, I hate making messages.”
…BEEP…
Right now, Jeff was the last person I wanted to talk to.
“Hey Josh, its Bobbie. I’ll be in town for this week. Let me know what you wanna do, OK? Sorry I couldn’t see you at the hospital. I feel really bad that I couldn’t get a flight out of here sooner. Call me back OK, Jace?”
I bet Bobbie knew nothing until my mother told her every single detail. Sometimes I wonder why she still bothers. Its been 2 years. Nothing’s changed. Things are never going to go back.
…BEEP…
“Honey, its us. We were trying to reach you all night but Darla and Peter were nice enough to take us to breakfast. If you see Mariah, could you tell her that please? I don’t want you guys to worry. Anyway, we’re coming back soon later on to see how you are. I hope everything is OK. Call me if you need anything, alright? Bye-bye sweetie. I love you.”
…BEEP…
If you haven’t noticed already, my step-mom is one of those that talks forever on a machine. Which is weird because on the phone, she usually tells me that I should already know why she’s calling because she explains everything in the message. I get used to it. I’m happy she’s taking some interest at least.
About 4 messages in I was about to resume the stages of last week all over again. I reached over to turn off the machine…
There is this hunger
This restlessness inside of me
And it knows that you're no stranger,
You're my gravity
“Hi, Josh? I-I know you probably think I’m super crazy for calling you. I just don’t know what’s going on… I’m really sorry, I’m not sure why I called you… um, I have to stop doing this. I don’t know what to say and I know I don’t want to say this over a machine. I can‘t say this over a machine. I wish you were here. Please come over.”
This was getting much harder. I needed her. I want to stay. It was a difficult thing to admit. Mainly because I was so scared of what could happen.
I am wanting, and...
I am needing you
To be here...
I need you near...
Inside the absence of fear.
I can’t do this to myself. She’s just some girl.
“That’s it,” I affirmed.
Now, only if I can believe that.
My body was still weak as I sat on the couch, wincing as I did so. More like fell. I was wiped out. I couldn’t close my eyes without her face revealing to me. I didn’t want to dream of her. I didn’t want to feel any of this.
It was all too surreal.
My hands will adore you
Through all darkness, and aim
Lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name
I didn’t know what to do. I was torn between the id and the ego. I tried to breathe normally but nothing suppressed the stress. I thought about everything that’s happened.
Based on the moments that played, my heart reached out. I had to. It bothered me to leave it like this.
I felt a lot better when I looked at the caller ID. A lot of things were at stake. Millions of scenarios took place. It was too risky. But I didn’t want to jeopardize not knowing.
We’re both fragile souls. Jealous at the living who play out themselves with ease and strangled truths. It makes me upset that the roles can’t be switched. A lot of bad things tend to happen to people who don’t deserve that life.
What is life? Everything I knew, everything I believed was a fallacy. I just wish I could take a big eraser and wipe out everything in sight, starting with myself. If I could start all over, would I still have met her?
It took a lot for me to leave. Took everything I had to make myself alone once again. This wasn’t what I wanted.
This long-running identity crisis just ballooned from when I was a kid. My life then read like one long boring ass text book. My parents had taught me to be whoever I wanted to be. But what happens when you had no idea what that is? Where are you than?
I was adopted when I was very young. So young I couldn’t remember the exact day. I think about how my life was before. I imagine why my real mother gave me up and decided I was not needed.
That was it. I wasn’t needed. That thought stayed with me. It’s those kind of crazy thoughts that take down your will to make anything happen.
That was my downfall. The thought of not being wanted or needed. If blood didn’t want me, than who else can give me a second chance?
The soft knock on the door shook me from the self-funk. My eyes glided across the room. The only thing I could really move. The rest of me was semi frozen.
I forced my body up, straightening myself as I walked to the front door.
I looked through the eyehole just to make sure. What I saw, I was not ready for. Despite the misgivings I still opened the door, my hand visibly shaking like it hand its on entity.
“Hey.” What do you say to that?
Story Tags: jc
