Mariah’s POV
I was taking the plunge as I stood there, naked, raw and too real to take in. For the first time I was being the person I wanted to be.
“Why are you here?”
I wiped at my eyes quickly as my cousin’s best friend barged unannounced in front of me. I really didn’t want to deal with this, I just wanted to be by myself. I didn’t need to explain every detail to everyone.
“Jake, I just want to be alone now. I don’t think this is the best time for anything. I’ve had a rough week.”
My voice was small and not mine. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs for everyone to fuck off but society stops me as it has before.
“Is this about that guy who was he here? You guys together?”
Now that shit woke me up, “Absolutely not. I told you already. I just met him last week. That will never happen anyway.”
He scratched the back of his head, leaning his body against the door, “Really? Could’ve fooled me. He had the eagle eye on me since I came here. Anyway, what happened before? Why did he just leave now?”
“Its no big deal. He had to go anyway. His family was worried.”
“He slammed the door, Mimi. Are you sure that was it? I’m not trying to pry but did he make you mad? I figure if I get permission first, you won’t get mad me if I beat his ass later.”
I sat straighter with a smirk on my face. Leave it Jake to take a petty little argument and turn it into a comedy act. I was lucky to have him when I did. I leaned my back up against the wall, still sitting on my bed, crossing my legs sloppily.
“We all know I can handle defending myself, Jake. But thanks for the offer. Josh is not your problem.”
He sat on the edge on the bed, “But he is yours? How long have you known him?”
I felt my entire face go beet red as I felt that shivering feeling every time I got nervous. It was embarrassing to admit the truth, especially what its reality hits you absentmindedly out of the blue.
“2 days ago. But it doesn’t feel that way.”
“Do you like him?”
I scoffed, tossing the question as if it was used napkin, “We’re not teenagers Jake.”
“Well you don’t have to say yes or no for me to get it…”
Not according to Josh. That’s one of the main things that annoyed me about him. In fact, there’s a list of things that bother me.
“I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. For now, I don’t wanna see anyone.”
“Even me? That hurts Mimi.” He came closer to me, crawling up on his elbows.
“I don’t wanna talk about this. Please drop it.”
I had this pounding headache and all I wanted to do was lie down and not feel bad that I’m breathing.
“Alright, do you want any food? I made a lot downstairs.”
“No,” I didn’t have much energy to give a full answer.
The weight on the bed shifted as I heard a muffled “see you later.” That was enough for me to close my eyes and catch up on some much needed rest.
I opened my eyes, looking at the clock. 10:46am. Can’t believe it was still morning. I don’t want to play these moments over while I’m trying to clear my head.
I switched onto my side, staring at the wall. It’s a lot more difficult when you try to clear your mind. More thoughts pile up and you feel like you’re about implode.
I had the strangest feeling, the same one I had when I was younger. I wanted to have powers. Maybe I was just a kid but I still wish for the same things. I want the same things. I think I want what everyone wants but they either pretend to have or is the real deal. Its rare to find but I’ve seen it.
I can’t believe I actually called him. He was the one that was mad. The worst part was the message. I cringed because it was all stifled up and I didn’t say it right. I don’t know what I asked him to come over. He’s gonna think I’m desperate or something fucked up.
I was forced to play it over and over. Did I need him? Was I that self-destructive? My life was like one days of our lives episodes after the other. Except all the fucking. In fact I can’t remember the last time I knew what that felt like. The moves and the sounds of those times are a blur. I didn’t want to remember them.
My first experience wasn’t all it turned out to be. Guys are guys, long story short. I lost it, whoop-ti-do. My innocence was gone and for nothing. I think I speak for every girl when I say we all want our first time to something unreal. Something to write down and dream about every night after. We dream its with someone we harbor deep feelings for. We want that life because that feeling is worth living for.
That was my other problem. I was dying of a broken heart. But none of this makes sense because I never trusted anyone with my heart. Morality is the real killer when it comes down to it. Least for me.
Do you ever question every little thing you do and repeat that phrase over and over in your mind after? Your mind gets sore because you’ve strained the words to put where you start hating yourself more for being so out of control.
But I’m going crazy all over again. Not for the same reasons. I’m a self-absorbed little girl who is driving herself crazy. Sounds like I could be studied. But I know there isn’t some cure out there.
Depression is a permanent disease, and apathetic to its core. How long have I known this, probably since the abuse. I can remember things when I was just 2-years-old that would still spook me to this day. I remember my heart speeding up whenever I spoke. Every time I tried to help or anything it was like an insult.
You would think that an only child would get Paris Hilton treatment, I vouch that it wasn’t even minimally tolerable. Well, you can’t tell because I sounded like I was being sarcastic just there; it was a horror.
I was lucky to have survived my teen years. As I dig up all these moments, I can’t help but turn into the wild child I was.
I couldn’t help it anymore, I had to do something. I needed this to happen.
I stood up in a quick manner and grabbed some money from my dresser, making sure to get enough.
I had to do this. I have to know what it feels like again.
Josh’s POV
Talking with her never made any kind of real sense. But this time it was different. I felt like she was actually listening and not talking over me like she always.
Bobbie Thomas was someone I was always attracted to. But she was the typical cliché of all things relationships. She was a good actress in the beginning. I believed it as if I were watching Citizen Kane for the first time. Being sucked into the story and all its little qualities that made me enjoy every minute.
Her beauty was overpowering most things and that was how it came to end. That was all she had to offer me. Good sex. Well, decent sex. A good time. To me, its was bleak. There was no adventure. Plus, she was treating me like a fucking lap dog. We were younger than so the clubs and raves were all the early buzz craze. I never picked up on it and I felt like from the beginning it wasn’t my scene. There was a reason why they called it the LA scene. A lot of good/bad actresses. All the whore’s money can buy. And they all looked the same. You can fix your body but you’ll always have that rat face.
Numerous mutual friends have told me she went down on some guys, some were friends. I wasn’t pissed until I heard the real truth from Laura, Bobbie’s closet girlfriend. She told me she had witnessed her fucking this guy the same day she told me she was going to Laura’s. Well, not entirely false, she was at Laura’s mother’s house, not her dad’s place.
Point is, she was over as soon as I got a good source and through some more research and an actually confession from the cheater herself, you better fucking believe it was over.
I’m not an old fashioned guy when I date someone, but it feels like everything I’ve admitted to this one person had been shattered by her sophomoric carelessness.
So, why the fuck am I sitting with my ex do you wonder? A little bit of closure, catching up, and a place for venting. I didn’t know but so far, I didn’t ask her to leave yet. Give me time.
I watch as her hands fidget about as she gets more comfortable. It was sort of funny. I never expected to see her so soon. She wasn’t known for keeping her word, so this was brand new to my eyes.
We were in the middle of talking about what she was doing. I refuted to bring up anything about last week. I keep saying a lot but it went by so fast for me. But I was close when she asked me 2 times if I was doing OK.
I responded with, “I’m not dead if that’s what your asking.”
I know, OK, it wasn’t funny. But she just gave me a flat smile and changed the subject in the blink of an eye. I smiled inside.
I checked my watch, now I was counting the minutes. We ran out of things to talk about it seems. I was kind of glad too. I was beginning to get bored with talking to someone who hurt me so bad.
It was hard for me to let go of something like that. I think I was always going to hold that against her. No matter how much she’s “changed.”
I rubbed at my eyes and cracked my knuckles. “So what else are you doing today?”
She scrunched up her eyes like she was thinking, “Oh, actually, I was going to Laura’s wedding rehearsal. I’m her maid of honor.”
I always hated when she boasted about the dumbest things, “Cool, what time is that?”
See how I was smartly pushing the subject out there? Well, in my subtle way.
She glanced at her watch, “Actually I have to leave now. I promised I’d help her set up and stuff. We’re going out to Le Paz afterwards. Do you have any plans for tonight? Maybe you could come?”
Can I sulk if I come? “Maybe another night. I got some things I need to do here first.”
She nodded and stood up straightening her dress suit. “OK, it was good to see you Joshua. Give me a call sometime, we could go out somewhere.”
I got up ahead of her, heading toward the door. “Maybe, say hi to Laura for me. Tell her congrats too.”
I meant that. Laura was one of the nicer girls I’ve come across. She deserves to be happy.
She steps outside but turns around, “Bye JC.”
I didn’t want to hug her so I alluded to that when I stepped back to act like I was more interested in closing the door. I shut the door and leaned myself against it.
Seeing someone like her again, makes my blood boil. I clenched my fists in a ball and pounded them slightly on the door behind.
I peeled myself off the door and went to the kitchen.
I grabbed the carton of rocky road and dove into the bucket ravenously. I went over to the couch and started to veg out.
I was surfing the channels as the while, Mariah's face popped up in my mind. I was scared. Not again! Fuck. Shit. Why now? I went 5 hours without these thoughts. I can’t last. I can’t stop think about her.
Why was this happening to me? Why now?
I was interrupted by a sharp knock on the door. I figure its probably Bobbie wasting my time with aimless questions. But, sadly, it was entertaining. Plus it would change the current thoughts I didn’t want out.
I got up, cursing myself for what I was about to endure. All I kept whispering was “please help me forget”. That’s all I wanted.
When I opened the door, I felt was soft lips crushed against mine. They tasted of want and urge.
But who did they belong to?
Story Tags: jc
