Mariah’s POV
It was going to happen. My life. That dream I had was about to come true. All I put up with is going to mean something. I enjoyed the feeling.
The moment I started cutting again it was like ritual. I know what I would and I didn’t have a care what would happen. I would rather end it now than live with the bruises. But Josh knew this and he saved me. But as I say it, there’s more to it. I have a feeling it wasn’t the first time he did this.
But here I was, trying to recuperate as best I could. The damage I’ve done has taken its toll. I lay there, trying to rebuild what was broken with the one man who I know could stop me from seeing red. He lay next to me upon my bed, not as a lover, not just a friend, but as a human. Someone who knows all the trials that come with getting through the next second.
But was it enough? He was holding my hand the entire time. He couldn’t left anytime he wanted. What does that say about character? I know anyone else would have folded and gotten bored with all this.
Sympathy is hard thing to come across when people think you’re full of shit. Was I supposed to get used to that? Probably not but it’s a reality I face everyday. Forced sympathy is the worst. I hate when anyone is too obvious with it. You could totally tell because usually they know mom and dad. It doesn’t get worse than that.
I don’t do this for attention, despite popular reasoning, I do it for feeling. Someone once said I was too needy. Like I need someone around me 24/7 and claimed that I demanded such attention constantly. As soon as they said that, it was unforgiving. Me? Need someone? I have never asked anyone if they had to look my way. I didn’t give a fuck.
People who think that need to burn in hell. But its no use having such harsh feelings when they don’t care about anyone but themselves. Now I know who they are. It was unfortunate to accept but I managed. I had nothing left to lose. Lord knows, if there is one, I’m skating on thin ice constantly. I never ask for help or even complained about anything and I still manage to get such comments. I didn’t understand that. It was heartbreaking. To live like that.
That’s why I didn’t want to live. I couldn’t force myself to get through anything. I was consumed with this silent hatred for the world and the way I was treated. As I think about this, I always think of the song “Whenever You Call” by my namesake. Well, I wish someone like her could be in my life. Maybe as a friend. Someone I can count on when I have a problem. No more empty truths and horrid promises. It was a dream and I still had hope. I’m trying not to be a cynic with all of me. Trying to press on strangely.
But I’m not alone. I know that now. I’m in love and its real. So real it scares me. But in a good way. I never wanted to stray from how I feel right now. Cradled so strongly in his arms, made it OK to breathe. I loved him so much its like something out of a fairytale. The feelings alone. It was enough. He was enough. He just had to stay. I did need him so bad but I have a hard time coming clean.
But I knew that I could make it. That me feel wonderful. I never thought I could admit that. But he know without my saying. This is the start of something great. I only hope it stays with me for a while. This safe solitude I ached for, is finally here.
Tears start streaming down my face and I wiped at my eyes. I was shifting a bit in my place. I waited for this. In all of my 22 years here, I found my reason. I was embracing it. Not once slipping from the hold. It was too powerful, too real to ignore.
I felt him brush my hair. He’s doing that a lot now I’m beginning to think it’s a habit. I lean into it, letting his hands work their majestic power. I was reeling from all the sensations going through me.
“I really do need to get out of here. There’s nothing here that I could stand anymore. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
He took a deep breath, “We’ll think of something. I don’t want anything else to happen. Too much has gotten to me already. I couldn’t live if something happened to you.”
“I’m slowly starting to believe that. But to me, its really confusing. Most of my life, I was struggling silently. I never asked for anyone’s help even though I know I needed it more than anything. That doesn’t make me needy does it?”
I looked at her behind me. He drops a soft kiss on my lips, tracing my bottom lip with his finger. “Asking for help is not needy. People overuse that word too much. Its doesn’t mean friends can need each other all the time, just be there for them. Love them for who they are and share their problems with them. If they don’t, then they were never that close to begin with. Just in my opinion. I’ve had to let a lot of friends I called out of my life because of that. Its better than letting them use you.”
I snuggled closer if I can. My body was now smashed against his and it looked pretty compromising if we didn’t have our clothes on. But I wasn’t distracted. He knew my situation and he understood it. And I didn’t have censor myself around him. But he was still here, I could rely on him.
“I just waste my time knowing people. Trying hard to trust them, I just want to know worry about this so much. I’d like to, if I could, erase all those people permanently and start over. There’s so much left over from the past.”
“Is it hard because you can’t let things go? It helps a lot to sometimes all and all, bury that stuff once and for all. But I can help you with this. I have problems with letting go of the mess. Its not going to me easy…”
“Most things aren’t.”
“We shouldn’t give up then. Nothing is worse than just giving up.” He whispered in my ear.
I smiled, turning back around, sitting up on my elbows looking at him next to me, “I used to say I don’t hold grudges. Well, to myself I did a lot. No one wanted to listen. But for the most part, I’m always hoping. Still a reformed atheist but I believe in hoping.”
“Its something. But we’re not alone on this. So I’m staying here for the rest of the night. I said I wasn’t going to leave you.”
I turned around, with a worried expression, “But, I mean, what happens when my mom comes in here. She’ll see the wraps and they’ll lock me up again. I can’t do that Josh. I’m not going back there. They’ll commit me its too la--”
He holds up his hands to stop me and I listened. “No, nothing like that will happen. I’ll try to, I dunno, do you have anything long sleeve that isn’t white?”
“Yeah?” I lifted my eyebrow.
“OK, can you go change and meet me downstairs. I’ll have to talk to your mom about your coming with me. That way there’s a good chance they won’t ask questions. They trust me, which is good.”
I inhaled deeply. I trusted him too. I wanted to be reassured. I had to pull this off right. “OK, I’ll go get ready. I’ll met you downstairs.”
I didn’t move to get up. I stayed where I was. Right under the glare of light. I was put on the spot, shaking as he leaned down and took over my mouth with a want and need that came out of nowhere.
“I’m not alone.” More a statement than a question.
“Not anymore. Don’t feel like you are. You better get going if you wanna move fast.”
I nodded, smiling, “Alright, I’ll be just a second.”
I pushed myself off the bed, still holding onto his hand and slipping it off on my own pace. I walked over to the dresser, and pulled out my navy blue long sleeve blouse and placed it over my bandages.
I could feel his eyes burning me. It was too much. Being in the same room and so close without ignoring my feelings. I always thought relationships were a lot of work. I figure if you’re on the same page, they aren’t too bad really. I felt lucky for that. I looked at him.
My eyes shining in a different way.
Josh’s POV
She had to stand behind me for this to work. I couldn’t think of what I would do if they did commit her. She doesn’t belong there. She belongs with me. I know.
She met me downstairs and we walked just as I planned, she walked behind me holding, more like gripping onto my hand. She whispered something to me.
“I don’t know if this is going to work, Josh. Your mom and dad are here too. I have a bad feeling about this.”
She was reading my mind. But still, I was determined to get out here. We walked to the kitchen and I did a little wave to her parents. Mariah was close behind me but if she was hiding herself, they would get suspicious. Especially mine. They care about her more than her own anyway.
“Hey guys, we’re about to head take a walk outside for a moment.” I bent down and kissed my mom.
Mariah was like scared kitten behind me. I tried pulling her around to at least show herself. I looked back and her eyes fixed on me. She was shaking her head, refusing to do anything.
I mouthed “don’t worry about it” and brought her over to my side. She didn’t refuse now, it was too late.
Darla smiled, “Hi, honey, where are you guys going this late at night?”
“Talking, just going to be close. Don’t worry Mrs. Anderson. We’ll be OK.”
“Can it wait?” Oh the return of 666. This was getting a lot harder not to just pummel him right now and with pleasure.
I eyed Jake, standing with that fucking smirk on his face against the corner wall. He was like Stillwell Angel from A League of Their Own only more annoying. “You know, it can’t--”
Mariah interrupted me, “Its OK Jake. Its just for a few minutes. Getting some fresh air.”
Peter cleared his throat, “As long as you guys come back. Go ahead.”
I watched how Peter looked at his daughter. Fucking freaked me out. Reminded me of the creepy dads who watch their daughters strip for them. I made mental note of that.
Peter licked his lips and I knew it was time to go. “Well, OK, see you guys later.”
We waved stiffly back and turned around as fast as we could outside. As soon as we ran outside Mariah started jumping up and what looks like the Carleton dance, I wasn’t sure. Her cheeks were red and her eyes were big. She looked like a child. Like a child just coming off from a roller coaster.
She jumped in my arms, “I can’t believe this. Thank you so much! Ow…”
She pulled back grabbing onto her bandages. I came at her, trying to see what I could do to help. “Are you alright?”
She waved it off and sat down on the curb, I followed behind sitting down next to her, “I just couldn’t control my happiness. I am really grateful to for all this. Anyone else never would have bothered to listen. It means a lot to me.”
I met her forehead with mine, “I love you, angel. I want to take care of you. Will you come back to my place with me?”
She licks her lips, kissing the corners of my mouth so delicately before touching her forehead with mine. “Its not fair…”
“What? What’s not fair?”
She exhales, “I’ve been here so long and I’ve only just found you.”
I rubbed her nose playfully with mine, “Well, you found me…”
She grinned from ear to ear before giving me kiss filled with passion and excitement. I ran my fingers through her hair, feeling my way, memorizing all the smells and textures.
I was a lucky man now. Everything else became blurry to me. Her blonde hair shimmered in the streetlight. The streaks imminent to anyone, soft and flowing like the rain. It was a vision. I could see her in my life, I didn’t think about anything else.
“Come on, let’s go home.” I pulled myself up, leading the way there.
I followed behind her and unlocked the car doors. I opened the door and at the corner of my eye I noticed Jake watching me closely.
After she got in I ran over to the other side and quickly to started the car. The tires screeched as I sped to our only salvation.
Story Tags: jc
