Mariah's POV
10 minutes ago I was already awake but laying in bed with my eyes open. I looked at the clock and realized its been about 3 hours or so since I tried to relax. Not much progress going on. Would have been nice to wake up to his face. But he managed to fold his side of the bed which was creepy. How did I not move or wake up?
I felt I was in the hospital again, am I hearing voices again? I know I'm not crazy in that way.
I couldn't recognize the other voice but Josh was the other one, and whispering. Huh? What is this, the fucking CIA? Why is everyone hiding things from me? I felt like mommy and daddy talking about what they're going to do with me. This can't be happening again. I have to erase all these thoughts.
I stretched a little as I got up. I was just wearing my bra so I placed one of Josh's shirts over the exposed skin. I slipped on one of his boxers over my panties. I hope he doesn't mind its sort chilly. Also, I didn't want to seem like a weirdo or like one of those sitcom girlfriends that walk around in practically nothing.
My legs were bare but I didn't care so much. I was happy that I got some sleep. I was still half asleep as I turned the knob and looked up.
No one was there, it didn't feel right.
"Josh? Hello?" I rubbed at my eyes, trying to wake up fully.
I looked around and noticed the coffee was made, a half eaten bowl of cheerios was left out, and things looked out of place. If was like he just walked out and I was behind him.
I walked up and touched the mug. "Hmm, still warm. Where did he go?"
It felt extremely weird asking myself this. I jumped as the front door opened suddenly. "Josh, is that you?"
Why didn't I just ask if the call was coming from inside the house?
"Hey, its me. I thought you were sleeping?" He appeared almost out of thin air.
I hated these games. He was carrying a newspaper in one hand and some mail in the other. It was like looking at The Cleaver Husband. Husband?! Uh...
"I was, just, now I'm not. Where were you?" Please don't lie to me.
I was naïve
Your love was like candy
Artificially sweet
I was deceived by the wrapping
He placed the items down onto the coffee table, kind of avoiding my eyes, "I was just outside. Why? What's wrong?"
Yeah, where do I start? "Nothing, who were you talking to earlier?"
Every bone in his body twitched. Oo, I pushed a button, OK, trust test, let's see if he passes.
Got caught in your web
And I learned how to bleed
I was prey in your bed
And devoured completely
This time, he's looking at me. Hmm, a good actor but its not over yet.
He blinked twice aha! "I told you I was outside. I was getting my mail and the paper. Is something wrong?"
Was it my imagination? I knew he was hiding something just didn't know what. When I find out what, he'll have it.
I smiled, shaking my head for now, "No, just wondering. Maybe I'm hearing things again."
"I made some coffee and there's cereal on the counter. The coffee wakes you up real fast if you drink it straight."
I closed one eye weirdly, "Thanks for that. Did you forget anything?"
And it hurts my soul
Cause I can't let go
All these walls are caving in
I can't stop my suffering
"What do you mean?"
"Like, I don't know, what we talked about last night? Am I making any sense?"
He smacked his forehead with palm, "Oh yeah, we need to have a talk. After um, after we finished breakfast."
Oh no, I'm getting that nervous, hot flash, shitty feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wasn't going to like any of this it was obvious. I've seen this too many times before. Usually its the girls saying the talk speech. Saying you need to have a talk was never a good inkling. I wanted to get outta there before anything happened. For my sake.
My patience was dwindling. I couldn't wait until I finished eating. I couldn't eat anything if I knew my life was going to change. I had to know and it had to be now.
But, me being me, it was calmly left on the back burner. When will I ever stand up for myself?
I hate to show that I've lost control
Cause I keep going right back
To the one thing that I need to walk away from
I just nodded, and went back to the kitchen. I really couldn't eat anything but I knew I had to. I had to force myself. It was my only distraction from pulling my hair out from this suspense.
I poured a half bowl of cereal and followed with the milk. I didn't want to eat too much, but I also didn't want him to wonder why I'm not eating enough. It's sad that it has to be like that. Hiding myself. Trusting him with my heart. My everything. This was a new low for me. One that I could never live down.
It me took forever to finish, probably because I was counting the seconds. Going outta my mind in this crazy world.
OK, here I was, placing the empty bowl and spoon into the sink, taking a deep breath. I gasped when his arms came around me, kissing at my neck. I was little uncomfortable now. Frankly, not just believe I know he lied, but the look in his eyes almost told my worst fear. I prayed it wasn't so soon.
"Hey, I need to tell you something?" He took my hand and led me to the couch as we both sat down in unison.
I tried my best to compose a calm attitude but this was it. What is he keeping from me?
He folded his hands, keeping his distance, to that I was grateful. "Uh, about what I said last night. I meant it, I really did... but, I have my life to think about. And so do you. I don't want this to come off as I'm a prick."
"I don't know any other way to see it." Yes, my fears were answered.
I need to get away from ya
I need to walk away from ya
Get away, walk away, walk away
I was shooting darts with my eyes and there was no way I was going to be deterred this time.
He held up his hand. What else was there left to say? Its over, right? "Please, I wasn't finished. I didn't forget about the things we did, or said to each other. I can't forget, but there's a lot riding on this. My life alone held some promise, I just, I can't say what I'm trying to tell you without sounding like an asshole."
That’s when I stood up and ran to the bathroom, barricading the rest of my emotions there. My back against the door as I slumped down the ground, ignoring the bit a pain I felt as I hit the ground with an impact.
I whispered through tears, "Too late."
Josh's POV
What did I expect? She'd be happy its over? But I had too. My life was too, I don't know, I just had to save what was left of it. But what's the big deal about it anyway? Could I take it back? Stop loving her? Its not going to be easy. I have to take her back. For both of us, it has to end.
She has another chance to make things right and I would just be in the way. There wouldn't be any threats, anyone on my ass. It has to be this way, its hurting me to just admit that. I know it has to start with me, because I'm a little old. She still has time. She's younger and has time to live her life that doesn't have me in it.
"Why?!" I heard a scream from the bathroom.
Probably the most painful scream ever and all I could do is stand firm. My life needs to go on. A life that doesn't include her. I just can't do this. Live like this. On the run. It isn't like I haven't thought this through. And if I slept on it, I'd be lying. Just like I lied about Bobby before. I wasn't sure if she suspected anything but I couldn't tell her about Bobby. Bobby was my business.
I lied enough already but I can't lie about promising her a safe life. She has to build her own. But she has no one, how was my leaving going to solve anything? I can't be her friend, I just can't be present for her all day. I have to make this decision.
Was Bobby the deciding factor? I wanna say no but every time I see her, I'm reminded of the good times we did share, regardless of what she did. We were happy, we were close. We weren't opposites. Bobby knew me. I know you probably think I'm a moron for trusting her again, maybe I am, I needed to trust someone.
Did I really love her? I honestly don't know anymore. I care for her. But I can't have these strong feelings.
I lifted myself up and walked to the door, caressing it as it were her body. Uh, distractions, no, she needs to know why.
"Mariah, I don't know why. For now, I just can't be the one who saves you now. I'm sorry."
"No you're not. Everything you said was a lie. I don't wanna be here anymore."
"What are you saying? Don't do anything."
I heard noises and movements through the door, "I don't think what I do really matters to you. Give me the phone, Josh. Leave it at the bottom."
"Mariah, please, I had to. I had to do this for us."
"There is nothing left. Leave the phone and go." The tone scared me and made me very stiff in the jaw.
But I couldn't let her go. I pinched my temple and went over and grabbed the cordless. If I handed her this, it would all really end.
I bent and left the phone at the bottom as she wanted. But this was not what she wanted. She's only doing this because of me. Because of my selfishness. Guess she didn't mean all that much to me.
She opened the door only to take the cordless. The rest of it was quiet as I heard her dial a number. What came out of her mouth made the tears just fall to the ground.
"Jake, hi, is mom there? Yeah, no I'm fine. Can one of you guys come and get me? Josh's. No, I'm fine. Nothing happened. Don't worry about it. Please. OK, 10 minutes? Alright... bye." And she clicked it off.
She flung open the door and skated right passed me. Didn't look or acknowledge I was there. I followed right behind her into my room as she was changing out of my clothes and back to hers. I didn't want to leave it like this.
But how was I going to repair this? All I could do was watch. Watch and do nothing to stop her. It was too late to fix this. I said what I said.
"Don't look at me like it was my choice. We can't trust each other anyway. You just did me a favor. I should be thanking you."
"I never wanted to hurt you. It would be a lot of worse if we somehow worked this out." Did I just say that?
"You're probably right. I'd rather be alone and be hurt by someone like you." Ouch, no one but me to blame.
"I'm sorry, things have to be like this."
She stopped what she was doing and looked pointedly at me, "Nothing has to be anything. You play me like a fool and end up like everyone else in my life. Why did I ever think that you were going to change my mind? The things I said, just they're nothing now. I'm nothing to you. I'm going to be OK now."
She rounded the corner and that's when I grew a pair and stopped her. It was something. "We don't have to do this. We can talk about it. I can't let you leave like this."
She was crying now, I was crying, damn, why was so fucked?
"Talk? What for?" Who knew that was that last thing she would say to me.
Story Tags: jc
