Mariah’s POV
October 22, 2000
Well, the last time I left you I was crying and helpless; but now, well, things have changed. I went back to Houston, back to our family farm and just stayed there for a while with my aunt Dina. For someone being on my mom's side, she's not the shrew I thought she was.
A year. In just one year I've grown a lot. You're probably saying what? But its just by myself. My own life. I'm grateful that I have a friend in Dina, I was beginning to feel like I always feel around a family member.
The farm was quaint, quiet, kind of dull, but I would get up really early and feed the animals and clean the same things. Houston was just a big greenhouse. I almost forget about the heat. But the night life was a lot cooler. The October wind just breezed past us as we mostly sat on the outside patio to eat or just relax. It was freedom. It was either this or the asylum. I mean, come on, what life would you have picked?
Sometimes at night I would count up the stars again. Just for fun. Bring my little game back. The only game I could win. I could curl up in this old rickety rocking chair with a blanket and just close my eyes. I wouldn't think of anything else, I would just meditate.
It's easier to meditate when people are not up in your ass all the time. Its been a lot more better this way. I felt secure, in Houston, pretty much everyone cares about you even if you don't need it. I would get Dina's neighbors coming over, bringing us food and stopping by a a quick chat. But they ended up staying hours afterward. It makes giggle how everyone thinks they're at home when they go anywhere here. Its the southern thing a guess.
Now, the skies were in-between the day and night. The sun was about to set and I made sure to catch it everyday. It was my only peace. There were flecks of pink, purple, and yellow as the massive circular heat began to drop before my eyes. It was breathtaking. I could breathe easy. Relish in the feeling.
I took a long sip of my hot cup of earl gray and leaned back into the rocking chair. I heard cracks as I did so. Every time I did that, I wanted to know if I could lean back further, I just wanted to test how far I could go. Yes, I'm weird. I guess Jeannie rubbed off on me. I smiled at the thought of her. I thumbed a circle around the rim of the mug. I felt the steam rise up like a sauna in my cup.
I usually just stay out here as long as I want. Its the greatest. Almost like I was on vacation. I didn't have to sign up for school or finish up my units. I didn't have to worry much. I was really going to start a new life. It was exciting to me. It wasn't complete and total freedom, at least this time I didn't have dragons breathing down my neck. That, to me, was paradise in and of it's own.
Every so often I'd think of him, I'd have to admit it. I hated it. Yes I would, and every time I would even for a second I'm reminded of those times. Not the good ones. There were so few of them. The nightmares, the visions, the fact that it he who didn't want us to be anything. But the more I think about this, my head starts to hurt and that's the last thing I need right now.
Dina was on the phone talking to the same person for an hour now. It was like a daily thing for her. She always had long conversations with just about anyone. She's one those people pleasers. Sometimes that gets you in trouble. But she wasn't always a push over. Which was good. I liked the subtle balance of some sanity. She was strict but not like her sister, my mom. She knows about what happened and everything so she doesn't want to make me mad so easily. Well, she hasn't made me mad yet. There's always time.
She's a person that spends more time with herself than anything else. You'd think someone would red hair would be all fiery and blunt but her personality is neutral. Kind of unassuming, but hardly aggressive. It was confusing but acceptable at the same time.
I normally don't come outside to think, just today of all days, its was a year since it happened. More like 2 weeks away from that exact day. The memory of his face, the way the scene played out, too painful, but still burns away at me. More than anything else that ever affected me.
I want to just forget. Not wish everything were different and I was living in a fantasy world. When you put your mind inside a bubble, it gets harder to claw your way out. Is it so bad to want a better life? It's like I'm being punished for nothing.
As much as Dina likes to try, she'll never understand me. She'll listen, but that's not enough. She wasn't there. She didn't feel what I was feeling. She wasn't balling her eyes out at a chance of true happiness. She could never understand me. But it was nice to know someone tried.
Just as Dina hung up the phone, I started to get up. I stretched a little bit, regaining some feeling back in my feet, they were kind of sleeping. I hate when that happens. Felt like I was standing on my knees for a second. I picked up my belongings and walked over to the kitchen sink, dumping the tea, and setting the mug on the side after I rinsed it.
"Hey, Mariah. How was it?"
She always asks this when she misses the sunset.
I shrugging, feeling indifferent, "Just like it always is. Who was that, Martha?"
Dina ran her fingers threw her curly red hair and sat on a stool, "Actually, that was your mom. She told me that she might come over here to see how you are."
I rolled my eyes, taking a seat next her, "Dina, you realize that she can never let me go? Am I not making any sense when I say that I'm fine without them? Why can't she just leave me alone?"
Dina took my hand on the table and took a deep breath, "She's always been the difficult one. Sometimes I think that you and I are the only ones that get it. But I don't know. She is your mom. But as a sister, she's annoying as hell. She used to do this a lot with your grandfather every time I would sneak out with my friends. She was always the one that got me in trouble."
"Its a semi-different situation with me but I see your point. You know, one day, I'll just up and leave. But being here has been better than putting up with all the shit there." I pulled my hand away and cracked my knuckles.
"Well, I'm glad. You can always stay with me as long as you want."
"Don't you mean as long as she wants?" I knew better.
Dina shook her vehemently, "No, she won’t do that. I spoke with her about that and we made an agreement on some things. She trusts me with you until you find your own place. I promise you, she won't interfere. Things are getting better. Just be happy she didn't bring up Joshua."
Uh no, not this again. "I'm grateful for that. But I don't care anyway. It would only effect me if he was still a part of my life."
Dina titled her head slightly, "Isn't he?"
I pleaded the 5th…
Josh's POV
Another day, another dollar. LA was the wrong place to be. Its not like I'm just realizing it. Just venting my frustrations for the rainy day. Only it wasn't raining. It was around 8:34pm and it still feels like spring. I'm finally getting used to working on a daily basis. It was a slow, gradual process, but I managed.
My next deadline took a lot outta me and I decided it was time to take a breather on the roof. I still go up there, but its dangerous at times. I did kept her outta my mind for one year, a year. I was good. I did OK. Truthfully, I did the best I could with what I had. And it was my doing. I didn't, I couldn't keep her.
"Damn it! I've been over this so many times. Why is this still such a big deal?" How many times do I have to ask myself that?
Because it is. Because no matter what I do, how many women I pretend to move on with, she ruined me. I hated it. I hated that I'm still in love with her. But I couldn't be there for her then and I can't be there now. There was way too much on my plate. I've been so good up until now. Just putting her from my memory. Erasing every kiss, every time I touched her. The conversations we had about practically nothing.
Here I am, once again, fantasizing about a girl I barely knew. A girl that possible doesn't remember me or anything else about last year. She's forgotten this, I know it. If she's already "moved on" why can't I? I've turned into one of those LA players. I'm using everyone around me for personal gain. But it has to be this way. No matter how I felt. How I still feel.
This is so fucking annoying. Every time I do this, my head just gets so filled with shit all I wanna do now is scream. But it was me who ended all of it.
Ugh, back to work. I need to focus on my life now.
I got up and checked my messages. When I work at home, everyone at the building likes to bother me. But I preferred it to being in a cubicle all day. I normally had to work about half the day so I wasn't really consumed with it like most people in my position. It was actually fun again. I missed writing and producing TV spots and commercial jingles. OK, the last part, maybe not so much but I did miss most of my work. Since I cleared all my deadlines for now, I was left with me for the rest of the day.
I forgot if I had any plans tonight. Suppose I could catch Jeff over at Rave. I'd like to say its a bar but its sort of turning into a strip club now. I've been having a lot of those weird nights lately. I don't remember going home with anyone, that I know of.
Damn it, my life really sucks. The story continues and there's nothing for me here. I always said just because I'm raised here, doesn't mean I belong. I should just get out. Anything but being cooped up with nothing to do. OK, I know what to do.
After I check my messages, I'll just do whatever. I didn't give a shit.
I pushed the red button, pulled another beer out of the fridge, and sat back down on my beany chair.
BEEP...
"Hey, Josh, its Lorraine. Tommy wants me to tell you that there's a mandatory meeting this Friday at 2:30pm, so that means everyone has to be there. See you there, don't forget."
I pointed to the machine, "Never do."
BEEP...
"Hey, don't forget about tonight bro. Call me on the cell or just come back at Rave tonight ok? Later."
"Whatever. Fuck you guys." I downed the rest of the beer in one chug.
BEEP...
"Do yourself a favor and get over yourself. You know what you want. You know where you're lucky here. There's work in Houston, if that's what it takes. Quit being the asshole we know you are and get your ass over here. Give me a call as soon as you get this Josh." A woman's unfamiliar voice spoke.
BEEP -- END OF MESSAGES...
My mind screamed. Who the hell is that? I rushed over, saving the message, and played it back once again. Shit. I checked the caller ID and wrote down what I saw.
Houston? "What could there be in Houston that I would want?"
Chapter End Notes:
Completed
Mariah is the author of 2 other stories.
This story is a favorite of 1 members. Members who liked Crazy Thoughts also liked 31 other stories.
This story is part of the series, You Ruined Me For Life. The next story in the series is Better Days.
This story is a favorite of 1 members. Members who liked Crazy Thoughts also liked 31 other stories.
This story is part of the series, You Ruined Me For Life. The next story in the series is Better Days.
Story Tags: jc
