Mariah’s POV
As I gazed at him, he seemed be struggling to say yes or no. Its funny how when he brings it up with me, he’s got no problem with handling the insults. My hands start sweating and my mouth goes dry as he takes his sweet time. Just answer already!
I felt like shaking him until, “Well, do you also mind if I stayed here? Would that be OK?”
Huh? I honestly was not expecting that. He seemed nervous as he said this. That’s strange. But, least I knew I wasn’t going to do it tonight. I guess I can breathe easy?
My mother nodded slowly, “Sure, you guys can maybe go to a movie or something?”
I guess this is what it means when they talk about the end in your life.
“Thanks, I think we’ll figure something out Mrs. Anderson. Thanks for inviting me and my family over.” The sweetness is almost too hard for me to hear anymore.
Finally, she nodded her goodbyes in the phoniest expression I’ve ever seen her do. She was truly one of those idiot mothers that had absolutely no clue how to act around people. She thinks that just because she spread her legs and had child, that somehow she understands pain and all that comes along. No fucking clue. I was miffed at the fact that I’m still alive and yet it feels as if this was a new kind of hell. I try to just get through the next moments; the ones that follow. Just knowing that I have nothing let to lose and nothing to gain; terrifying my mind. I feel a water start form again and I refuse to let it show. Not now. Not while he’s around. Who is he anyway?
Oh, I got an idea, “Hey, I’m really feeling tired, I think I’m going go to sleep early.”
I make my way past him and start taking off my sneakers, never once paying him a look. I feel like it’s maybe worked. He can’t bother me if I sleep right?
I feel his eyes but keep my quietness up regardless, “Why did you give me your ring?”
My ring… He knows. I did? Holy shit! Now what?
“Why do you say that?”
“Because it was you in my room that first night I was there. Why did you leave?”
I smiled shaking my head, clearing my throat. I really was stuck on this. My neck was starting to swell a little and I started to rub the spot. “I wasn’t even there. I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I sounded convincing a little.
“You mean this isn’t yours?” I looked up as Josh pulled my ring out of his pocket.
I looked at it for a second. The pink and emerald shine is so bright and knowing from a distance. I adored it.
But, clearly, yes, its mine; was. My only friend, Jeannie gave it to me before she was killed 5 years ago. It was the only thing that meant or had some value to me. But it wasn’t mine, not anymore. I have to let her go. I think I had when I gave it to Josh in a small way. I didn’t need it anymore. I must have been in daze when I remembered that he asked me something. I spoke the only way I know how.
“That isn’t my ring. It never was.” I didn’t catch his reaction because I was looking down.
Whenever Jeannie gets brought up I start to get really vulnerable and meek. I try to change the subject because its still with me. I feel like she’s still here. Sometimes I think she’s going to meet at the mall like we used to.
“OK, Well, I’m going to leave it here. If you wanna talk about anything, I can just listen.” Somehow, I’m doubting what everyone says.
Yeah, it wouldn’t be the best idea to talk about anything sad now. Besides, I don’t know how depressed I can get. I really don’t want to find out.
I strangely cleared my throat, burying the previous comments, “I’m really hungry now, do you wanna get something to eat?”
I figure if I suggest food I could get rid of him quicker. I hope.
He stands up, placing his hands in his jean pockets, “Sure, where would you like to go?”
Anywhere, “There’s a place 10 minutes away I know. Little café on the corner. Its not a Starbucks or anything.”
I turned my heel, assuming he would follow me downstairs. I have a weird feeling about all this. it’s the same feeling I get when I steal money from my mom. I was getting this nervousness tingling in all corners of my body. I felt like my emotions were getting the best of me again. Which they always are.
I jumped when he took my hand. I had to stop myself before I went any further. We were an inch away from the door and it was the strangest feeling ever. I felt at home all of a sudden. Like somewhere there was some inkling that I was going to be OK. I certainly read about this stuff but never really came to touch with it.
Certainly something I didn’t want to refuse. In my way, I let him touch me. Maybe because I’m not exactly all there. I thought about it before.
I turn around slowly, trying to be careful a little. I still don’t know him. I felt a little on the spot with that stare he’s giving me. I sighed deeply, letting out most of the nervous vibes that stuck on me. Maybe this was his way of reaching out. But why? Why did he care at all?
This was what I always wanted. Standing in front of me, that was it. But I was afraid. My mind was racing and I couldn’t make up my mind about his gesture. But I couldn’t let myself let go. I was too selfish to close off myself completely. I really didn’t want to die anymore.
I gave smile that I felt was as real as real can be, “Thanks, you know, for doing this. I don’t know what would happen if I found myself alone tonight. God knows what could happen.”
I felt as if I was rambling slightly but I guess he didn’t notice as he gripped my hand tighter but in a gentle way.
He nodded, agreeing with me, “I know exactly what you mean.”
Josh’s POV
My body was weak still but I was fully recovered as she drove the ten minutes to The Corner Bakery adjacent to her abode just like she pointed out to me. I offered to drive her but she insisted she handle it herself.
I couldn’t help myself. I felt connected to her. I wanted to keep staring at her but I didn’t want to seem like a crazy boozer in time’s square. She had this habit of constantly adjusting her hair. Like maybe she had to impress someone.
You’d think this was a date or something. Well, no. Wouldn’t go there quite so fast. It’s just getting some food with a hospital mate. But she’s more than that. Just wish I knew what it was. She’s this big cloud of mystery which bothers me more than anything. But than again, she gives herself away with her mannerisms.
I can’t help it, I’m an observant guy. Sue me.
We approach a small little bistro-like eatery and Mariah killed the engine. We meet each other on my side as I take hold of her hand again. Ever since she said she doesn’t want to be alone, I’m not letting her out of my sight.
Strangely, I had the same feeling too. We’re both in the same boat. I really couldn’t stand my life. Well I couldn’t stand the people in my life. Its always the people who drive you be at your worst.
The moment the blades cut at the pain, it was this freezing feeling of life being lifeless. My veins were open to the world and I didn’t have a care one bit. Everything was in slow motion. My eyelids grew heavy and I started to sleep. I wanted to stay asleep.
Suicide is something I’ve always thought was the only way I could stop everything. Not just the pain. But living. Getting through the moments and the emotions. Crying yourself to sleep was NOT a life I wished for myself.
But I wanted that life. I didn’t want a life, now its different. Somehow I’m pushed to be strong. If not for myself but for her.
The girl who’s hand I’m holding. I have to be. I just have to.
We quietly walk to the door and I make my way to open it before her. She does this little thing where she smiles and looks down. I took it in as we walk to the front desk to order.
I wasn’t really hungry but I guess I could eat something to make her feel better. She looks particularly gaunt and parched. Her face, though breathtaking, looks tightly chiseled and unhealthy looking. It scared me to see it.
We each ordered a salad and took our seats in the corner booth. The silence was excruciating as I crunched down a mouth full of caser salad. I watched her eat. She sits straight and ever so calmly nibbles on her salad.
I feel like I’m going nuts here. Here I am, sitting with a girl who drives me mad with all this secrecy. But why exactly am I crazy? She doesn’t owe me anything. Well, not entirely true. Her ring… I know there’s some story with it.
Whatever it is, must be really bad.
I couldn’t believe it. The whole time we ate, no one said anything. Not even a “hey this food is good” or a “its fucking freezing in here”. Which was an understatement to say the least. But nothing.
She barely made eye contact with me. Once in a while I thought she was peeking a look but than I realized the wall clock was behind me. Maybe she didn’t want to be around me, but I don’t buy that very much.
It was painful I tell you, but I actually made it through surprisingly. We sit in silence again. I tilt my head as I stare. Someone should say something or I’m going scream. I’m glad it was her though.
“I’m sorry if you feel like I’m ignoring you. I guess talking about what’s really going on wouldn’t make much difference.”
I nod my head weirdly but I got the gist of it. But I wasn’t sure if it was me that caused any of this. Could be the paranoia, but than I could be right on. Who knows?
“I see, well, what would you like to talk about?” I wanted to suggest something to kill away the soundless noise.
It looked like she was in thought, but than I saw a smile flicker and I hoped this was a good start. “What kind of things turn you on? Like things in life?”
I was blown away with the boldness that dripped from the question. Came out of double left field. I exhale as I answer, “Gosh, well, I don’t to be vague and I say “everything” because, well, there’s so much that I don’t agree with. I would probably say tolerance, patience, and people who allow themselves to feel. Seems kind of general but those are the main thoughts that go through my head usually everyday.”
Yes, I was rambling and I mentally kicked myself for being so aloof but she didn’t care to mind. She appears to be thinking more than talking. A good quality, maybe I should give it a try.
She seems deep in thought. I didn't want to disturb anything. I didn't want to take anything away either. I didn't know what she was gonna say and it was fucking exciting.
“What kind of feelings?”
Don’t really know where these are going but I’m in for the ride, “Love, compassion, respect, well I guess that's more of a rule than a feeling. But I could feel respect, couldn’t you?”
She laughed, it was wonderful to my ears, “Yeah, I suppose. I feel respect, or try to feel it most of the time.”
Some things don’t change. “Yeah, again, it was one of those yes or nos. But I guess since the question was strewn a little off I’ll let it slide this time.”
I wink at her playfully earning a scoff from her, “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.”
Yeah, it looked as if I was conversing, it was kind of good.
Author's Chapter Notes:
POVs change here. That's it. Hope its not too confusing just want to change things around in the story.
Story Tags: jc
