Mariah’s POV
I was trying hard not to pinch myself at how myself fun I was having. Don’t wanna sound like I’m on a loop but I was really having the time of my life. It felt as if we were old friends catching up, delving into out mundane lives. The times of ease.
I relaxed, feeling completely my true self. I had no idea what was going through his mind but I was on overdrive
I was very happy. But every time something good happens I usually feel like the wind will be knocked out of my sail at any given time or place. I had this feeling. I guess you can call it paranoia. Ever since I was younger, it was kind of one of my trademarks.
Josh told me he was going through a lot on his own. Most emotions are guarded behind closed doors. I always thought that’s where your true self exists.
I always dreamed of finding that one person that I could be real with. Seems like the wait is over. I know that person has a name. It’s a reassuring feeling finally. it’s a big shocker that someone could just sit there and listen. A rarity among the human race.
I used to be, well, I’ll just say I shared a couple of interests with this one girl. I know you’re thinking I’m selfish but hear me out. She was a tall, lanky girl, striking looking, self-conscious to beat, and annoyingly busy as fuck. That was her downfall. I couldn’t understand it. I bare my soul to the wrong people.
Anyway, she who will remain nameless hardly ever kept her promises. It was like I was the “friend” part of the circle while she, (not trying to knock anyone for trying to make a living, which was a hell of a lot more well off than my situation) barely made any effort to call or acknowledge that I exist. Was I that repulsive to her? I used to ask myself that a lot.
I had had enough and long story short, the girl denied it to death. It was a sad time but I’m well good and over it now. Just felt like so long ago, makes me cherish my time more than before, which was probably why I was so skeptical of anyone.
I can’t stand behavior like hers. This was after Jeannie’s death. I was still in my sedated trance and was reaching for any help I can get short of joining her in heaven. I didn’t want to die and tried everything I could to sort of out when I needed to get through what was going on. I don’t understand death, I never did and probably never will.
People are hard to believe sometimes. Trust is a tricky bastard. I wish and will it in my life but I get disappointed. Its worse when you didn’t see it coming. Gotta give it to them, some are good actors.
I felt sad now. A little possessive but sullen. More like a little pissed now. I wish he could take me with him. Away from this loud, obnoxious hell once the door closes. You may think I whine a lot, and you’re right.
I think if I could have one power it would be to hear thoughts. Although it would have the obvious side effects. If I’m not specific I could hear everyone’s thoughts. If I had my pick, just Josh’s thoughts would do. Possibly Karl Rove’s. Depends on what mood I’m in.
It was 11:11pm and time was winding down. Honestly, I just wanted him to stay. I never wanted anyone to stay. I hated all the people my parents brought over. Mainly because if you tend you like fakeness, you most likely relate to it. My mom always acted like she was Kathy Hilton or some shit. She’s not in the story much, I try to ignore her as much as I can.
After we got dressed, we got bored with TV and decided to check out my yearbook, well, he wanted to. God knows why. I think I was talking about high school it led to the yearbook. I can’t believe I kept it, those were the most vicious years of my life.
I know everyone says that about their experiences, (the lucky ones in cliques don’t) but mine is as true they get. I was branded the “waste of space” by our graduating class. Boys were boys and girls were bitches. Typical mean girls straight out of the ideal picture of stereotypes.
But I was looking at it again. Reminding myself what a failure I felt like. All those names and fights that broke out. I shook my head of those memories. It needed to be buried.
“Mariah, are you OK?”
I gave him a passing smile, well the best I could do. “Yeah, just forgot about those times. It all came back.”
We were lying down next to each other on our elbows. I could tell he wanted to know more but I was ready to be so open. Even if I was building trust.
“Yeah, my experiences weren't the greatest either. I went to a private school and all we did was count the minutes while we thought about graduating a virgin.”
“There is only one man.”
“Never thought of it that way but I guess you have a point.”
“How important is it really? Would it have been so bad if you stayed that way?”
He licked his lips, “Maybe… I always thought about waiting but the peer pressure was too strong and I didn’t think about much when I lost it. I felt like every guy I know and it was a shitty feeling. Regret is the one thing I can’t forget. I treated it like nothing. If I had to go back I would have waited til I found someone more durable…”
I giggled, “Like a paper towel?”
He laid on his back, “I meant more worth it. I shouldn’t have listened to everyone when they told me I had to do this. I didn’t have to do anything and that was the problem.”
I felt sad. I didn’t know what to say. Its not easy thing avoiding people you’ve called friends or forget them. My mind is jumbled with my own experiences. I could get stuck like this so I quickly erased them before I did.
“To each is own. Its hard to say no sometimes. I think a lot people lie and they don’t have regrets, I try not to let it get to me so much. I don’t live by most of society’s rules anyway. Its demeaning to follow. Some rules are meant to be broken anyway.”
He looked kind of stumped. His lips curled upward as if he was taking in what I was saying. I knew I wasn’t that convicting, I always spoke that way. It was news to me why he reacted that way.
“Maybe you’re right. The problem was I was trying too hard to please everyone else. It was one thing that knocked off everything else that followed. This could be one those topics that turns into something we might regret.”
Could be, “OK, what time is it now?”
He glanced at his watch, “Not too late, well for me, 11:47pm. We’ve done a lot things. Do you have any ideas?”
I yawned, giving myself away, “No, did you want to stay the night or something?”
Uhoh.
Josh’s POV
I hadn’t thought of staying here. But if I did, would it make a difference? She said she didn’t want to be alone and I stayed. But stay the night?
I don’t know why but I was cornered. I didn’t know if I should. But I’m a grown man I should be able to make up my own mind. I had a place. Maybe she could come with me. I had a guest room she could stay in. I always used it for my brother or friends from late nights.
I was really confused. Did I want her with me tonight? It’s not a marriage proposal, I’m not growing feelings in the one day of meeting her, what the fuck is it? Well, what am I waiting around for; I knew what to say.
“Mariah, do you wanna come with me? I mean maybe stay over where I live? I figure it would be easier and if your mom and dad don’t mind.”
She stopped me with her hand, “I don’t need permission from them. If I had a chance to get out I’d take it.”
“So, you’ll come with me?”
“Yeah I guess. Where do you live?”
We both got up as I spoke, “Not too far. It took a while before because I was driving my car. Did you wanna get some things together? I can wait outside if you’d like?”
She nodded quickly, “Yeah, thanks.”
I gave a smile and walked outside her room, waiting in the living room.
I took a seat on the couch and rubbed my eyes with my palms. Tonight has been interesting. I met someone I never thought I’d meet and like. I feel like she’s the opposite of me, but it seems to work.
I’m enjoying myself for the first time and it feels amazing. I wish this surge of empowerment could last forever. Well maybe that’s a bit of a stretch but I just don’t want it to leave. I don’t wanna keep away from her. Not tonight. Especially with her confession she relayed. I also had the feeling that something would happen to me too. Like I might try something.
Visiting my parents were bad enough. I wasn’t ready. They couldn’t understand me. Not even my friends understood what happened. They acted as if nothing phased them. Well, least it looked that way with how they handled it.
A lot of people were shocked that I, JC, would commit something so unspeakable and unassuming amongst all the “happy” faces that were thrown around me every which way. No one ever seems to pay attention to the underlying notes. The secrets that no one cares to pluck out.
Maybe I’m an uber thinker but I feel a lot of the time that hardly anyone seems to take the time out for anyone. With all the random ADHD galore, its difficult to pick out who’s particularly the worst.
Pessimistic, I know, but there’s a lot that needs to be confronted and if no one is going to do it, the time has come.
I must have dosed off because I noticed Mariah’s dark chocolate eyes right in my face, almost hitting me back to the checkpoint.
“Hey, you ready?”
Her hand was on my knee, too distracting but it was good enough to shake me out of my daze. “Uh, yeah, you all set?”
She nodded a yes as I saw her duffle bag on her shoulder. I got up and we headed outside to my car.
I was kind of embarrassed because I hadn’t cleaned the inside of it for a while. I wasn’t living in it or anything, but Newsweeks and Time magazines as well as my gym clothes in the back seats. Actually it kind of looked like I was camping out for a week, which was still embarrassing.
I unlocked the doors and opened her side. I was hardly a guy who would do this but it was part of the protecting her that I promised myself. I really did. I wanted her to be safe, not just tonight, but every night that follows.
Thank God there wasn’t anything on the shot gun side. I closed the door and jogged over to my side. As I got in and turned on the engine, I gave her a look and she caught it, smirking a little but I believe she got me.
I backed out of the drive and started my commute back home. Things were silent for moment but it was a good silence. It was more of I understand you and we didn’t need to say a lot to know what we’re trying to say.
I felt her take my free hand from my lap and hold onto it tight. I loved how subtle it was. It didn’t scare me, it made me content that she was comfortable around me. I want her to be. I wasn’t going to let anything happen to her. Not under my watch.
“I hope that wasn’t too corny. I mean you did rub my feet, we’re past the small nervous stuff by now.”
I exhaled, “Nah, I’m just glad it was only my hand that came up this time…”
I was joking just in case she was thinking about earlier.
I looked at her and she had this confused look plastered on her face. “What else would come up?”
I blushed, “Never mind."
Story Tags: jc
