Mariah’s POV

I didn’t say anything. What could I say? They were gone. No matter how many times I kept repeating that over and over it won’t stop being true. They really are gone. On the way to the graves I just stood there. Wanting to make some sense what was going on before. And… nothing. What could I ask--what should I ask? What could make this better?

I just stared. That’s all I really could do. Focus and stare. But what? What the hell was I focusing on? Death? What do I know about that? What does anyone know? Who knows how or what your supposed to do? How your supposed to act, say, what?

But all I could really do is gaze. The grave. It shined at me. Those names. The names who bruised my everyday life.

Mother
Darla Jane Anderson
1958-2000

Father
Peter Christopher Anderson
1959-2000

They weren’t furnished or even shiny. The looked very plain. Just names carved on a stone. They belonged there. They always were dead in some way to me. I had a feeling God made them live longer just to torture me. But it was over, wasn’t this? They were good and buried… but would they come back?

I could just see the nightmares already forming and I began to feel a little lightheaded. Josh caught me before I fell and we sat down on the bench. I was shaking, I knew what was coming and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

“I didn’t think coming here would cause this. I’m sorry… I just have a feeling its gonna be much worse. This is just beginning.”

He rubbed my back softly, “What, what do you feel?”

That’s like asking me the mother of all questions. I don’t know but it feels terrible. Almost like a premonition I have. I’ve been getting those a lot when I was younger. I just believed they were nightmares that won’t go away. I shouldn’t have ignored them. Now I know they were trying to warn me.

I leaned into his embrace and started to erupt again. It was coming like something once again and I couldn’t stop. The crying, the emotions. It was horrible. Almost like I didn’t have control over it. My eyes were filling up and all I could do was hold him tighter. Maybe if I hold on longer this could seem easier.

“I need to stop being such a baby. Since I met you all I do is cry. I just need to control myself.”

He pulled back just a little to kiss my forehand, “No, I cry too. This is normal. I’ll be here for you for as long as you need me. Don’t worry about the way you feel. I love you, angel.”

I could feel my eyes stinging and turning red. I was going to breakdown if I didn’t stop. I hate crying in front of people. No matter what they say you really never know how to react.

“One day I’ll believe that. For now I’m too weak to go on.” I pull away from him and stood up.

I turned on my heal and walked back to the car in silence. I wiped the corner of my eye and sniffed back. I really had to pull it together. All I’ve been doing is this and its got to stop.

“We can just go sit in the car if you want. Maybe being here isn’t helping much. Come on…” I felt his hand touch mine and lead me over to the car.

I stared at the black car. Black -- the color of their hearts and they never knew. They got what was coming to them. But was it supposed to happen to them now? Ugh, why do I care so much?

I open the car door and let myself inside sloppily. I didn’t bother closing it, I just sat there. I took a deep breath and turned to him. “Let’s go back, I need to go back.”

I looked down before I can catch his look, I was getting dizzy as he spoke. “Just relax, try to. I’m here for you, don’t forget that.”

I turned back to the center and stared in front of me closing my eyes, trying so hard to ease everything inside. Have you ever tried that? Its physically impossible. I shook harshly when he opened his side and got in softly.

I sighed and took a deep breath, forgetting I was even at the funeral. “Who am I kidding? These are just words. This is, this is all a joke. Empty promises and what’s next? Back to your old life. The one where you said I can’t be a part of.”

This time I couldn’t wipe away any tears. I almost wanted him to see what he’s done to me. I almost forget what he put me through. The endless nights of being alone, wishing I had never existed. He made me crazy again. How could I forget.

“Wait… you’re going through something really terrible right now. I don’t think this is the time to make it worse. I said in the letter and to you personally that I’m really sorry all this happened. I know sorry is minuet but I’m willing to be better. I want you in my life and I don’t care what anyone else thinks.”

I finally wiped my eyes, “Just be honest with me Josh. This is never going to work out. You are too wrapped up in building the American Dream you can’t even think straight. You don’t need me or anyone in your way to distract you. Your too far away. Its never going anywhere. Why do you pretend to care still?”

I heard him bang the stirring wheel softly. “You’re just upset. I understand. You know, you’re right, I do still believe in all those things. But it would make sense to believe in anything without you with me. Please Mariah… I’ll take you back to the room.”

Sweet talk. Ugh, I just wanna throw up. Men and their fucking sweet talk. Pitiful. I can’t even be next to him in the same car. Ugh, please if there’s an actual God, finish the job I started 2 years ago. Would be the smartest thing you ever did.

I kept staring at the window as he pulled out of the parking lot and drove off. When I get back, things are going to change, for good this time. I’m keeping my eyes open now.

Josh’s POV

She’s upset. I know it. But why this? I mean, I felt her give in when I was holding her. She let me touch her more than once. It doesn’t make any sense to me. She was fine.

She can’t stop staring at that window. She’s upset. I have to keep telling myself that. They were buried today, come on. This is her version of grieving. I know it. Right?

What was all that talk about the American Dream? I’m 25, I’m still a young man building a life yes. But what does that have to with what she says? I mean I’m setting myself to have a good life. Work hard early on and get set up to have a good supportive life with a family. That’s what my uncle used to say to me when I was younger. What’s wrong with that? I like my work. I make good money. I don’t really work the normal 9-5. I mean if she really wants to know my work I can forward her emails from a tech I work with on give me the big, we have a lot of work to do speech, just to give her an idea of what my life really is.

I usually do things on time for the most part. I have 3 bosses telling me so usually and the deadlines can get a big tedious sometimes but I’m not that guy. I don’t live at work like some men do.

But none of that matters.

I want her in my life so badly I’m willing to give my life up for just one more chance with her. Can’t she see that? But it seems like I’m not doing enough. What I did was bad. The things I said, everything. The scene I played out over and over were monstrous. I didn’t want to relive them. I’m still wondering how I ever got them pushed out.

“I now know what kind of person you are and I can’t let you hurt me again.” She said, sort of out of the blue.

“You’re just upset. You don’t mean this. Just, I know, this is part of it. I get it. You’re really sad. Please don’t do this now.”

She sat up straighter and starred hard at me, “Do what? Tell you exactly who you are? I’m sorry but this matters to me more than what’s happened today and I will not let you be so cruel again. Enough is enough.”

I couldn’t say anything. I’m placing fuel on the fire enough. She’s really upset, I know it. Deep down this isn’t how she really feels. We love each other. I understand, I get it.

My eyes are stinging now. Fuck, don’t do it. Pull the shit together. You can’t let her lose hope. Be strong. For the her sake. Don’t leave her alone, this is not what she wants. She needs you no matter what she says.

I gulped back my straining emotions. I was on my last straw with this. I couldn’t take it anymore. Good thing we were a block away before I really gave in. I can’t do this around her I just can’t. She needs a man. Even if it kills me, I’ll try to be.

God what she said really got to me. I was so confident before. She was opening up. I have to keep telling myself it only matters if I believe its true. And its not.

I stopped the car on the sidewalk and turned off the engine slowly. This is not happening. Its almost like I know I’m dying and everything starts moving in slow motion. Its just that feeling of what’s coming. If I open my eyes, I’ll know. Its something big. And I don’t know how I’m going to stop it.

The nightmares started again. Yes, they were there. Scratching and biting upon my hopes of true happiness. I’m being tested. This is one of the tests. She doesn’t know what I dream about at night and I hope it never comes true.

She didn’t make a move and neither did I. I wanted to say something, anything. This is what its like to be killed slowly. Oh god, if I can get inside her thoughts...

"I'm sorry, I don't know. I need to be alone now." She unlocked the door suddenly and left.

I let her go. I don't know. This was the best way, was it? I wanted to run after her so bad, but I was glued to the seat. Its as if when she spoke, she stilled me. I couldn't move.

I lifted my head and watched her drag her body to the front door. I hated this. Nothing I could say would make her understand. I still believe this wasn't about me. She was grieving and it had nothing to do with me. I know this.

She disappeared into the house leaving me with these thoughts. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I have 3 days, just 3 days left. I made this promise and I will stick to it. We can't be alone anymore. Even like this. We can't go on pretending nothing matters. That we don't matter. Its not the way the story is supposed to end. Nothing is finished yet. I still have time but I have to be delicate with everything. I have to be.

It doesn't end here. I still have a chance to change her mind.

I climbed out of the car and jogged back inside the house. I heard ruslting and looked around. Everything was the same. Kinda boring actually. I looked in the hallway and the bathroom door was closed. I could hear noises clearly from where I was standing.

The door swung open revealing a red-faced Mariah rubbing at her nose.