Mariah's POV
That last part made my nose sting really bad. I think it was laced with something. Oh, god. I stopped. He knows. I tried my best to calm down. How can I do that? Everything in my body is on a rush. Feels like white chills running everywhere. How am I gonna calm done like this without him really figuring it out?
I didn't care what anyone else thought. My parents weren't there to ruin me. I just didn't care. I tried to look at him but I couldn't. My eyes and nose were red and I had to leave before he put two and two together. I rush passed him and went to my bedroom. I close the door with a slight force, locking the latch and leaned against it. Uh god, I'm going crazy.
OK, eyes? Good, focus them. Senses, decent, nothing too obvious. I'm feeling hot all of a sudden. I lifted up my hand and it starts to shake. Oh no... stop it. Hide it. Make it stop. Oh good. OK, now its stopped. Oh good. Nothing now. Uh, there it is again. Maybe I shouldn't have taken too much. OK, now I know I feel something else. Alright, now things are blurry. Gotta find a chair. OK...
I sat down on my chair with a thump. God, I have to pull it together now. He's going to know. What if he already knows? Shit.
The door moved and I felt the knock. No, oh god, not now. Ugh, how am I going to calm down like this? There's no way he's going to not question it. He's so obsessed with me lately. He doesn't know the first thing about what I want. He doesn't know me. Nothing. And I'm so sick of the sight of him. I know, I just know he's going to do something big. I have a strong feeling its not going end with the sun shining.
In this story, nothing does. But this is my story, anything can happen. For now, I have to be by myself. He can't know. Dina will never find out. No matter how much I think she cares, she'll never understand why I'm doing it. This is what happens when you have no one. Your world has no options anymore. You do what you need to do for you. And its not an escape I know that now. I was never running away from anything.
"Are you alright?" I felt the waves of his voice vibrate all over the door but I didn't move.
I felt stronger now. It was good that I didn't flinch. Maybe I could finally stand up for myself. "Go away please."
I heard him take a deep breath. Is he going to ever leave me alone?
"I just wanna know if your OK. I hope you aren't doing anything to yourself. You know that this is not the way to be. You know this."
Doesn't mean you know what's best for me. I need this, you would never understand why. Never. Good thing my parents never caught on. They didn't know I was a pothead for most of my high school years. But actually I think most were secretly one anyway behind the scenes. In fact, there's a lot they didn't know about my personal. Which made it much more personal. It worked better that way. There are some things they shouldn't know.
"I'm sorry. Please... I realize this isn't easy. None of it is. But its much better when we aren't alone. Don't think that you've lost everything. You haven't. It isn't all gone. It never is. Please, it isn't the answer. What your doing. I know it. You can't let those voices control you. You can't. You're stronger than this." Its painful, cutting at my heartstrings like nothing else.
I grabbed my stomach. Shit. Maybe it was laced with something. Fuck. What am I going to do? Everything is ruined. Oh no. White shivers. Goosebumps. Head feeling lumpy. Oh, shivers are getting stronger. Shaking. I lifted up my hand. Oh no. OK, stop it. No, bad. Let it go. Don't think about it. I forced it down. Still shaking. Now its spread up my shoulder. I feel it on my lower back. Its spreading. I can feel it. The sting is rising up and oh my god. I can't move. No. Stiffness.
"Baby? Come on. Don't shut me out. I need you. Please open..." It was faint but I still heard it.
Damn. How am I going to hide this?
OK, alright. just calm the hell down. "Go away Josh. I, please just go away."
I pushed myself away from the door and fell face down on my bed. Oh my god, why is this getting worse? How could I be so stupid? Is this it? Man, oh my god. OK, things are not supposed to be spinning, are they? My head feels like its being stabbed repeatedly. Oh my god. I think this is it.
I was dazing. I couldn't stop this. It was out of my control now. It felt like I was sinking into the bed. Maybe I was. He was silent the whole time during this. I didn't know if he was still there. I got scared. God damn it! Why is this happening? I didn't realize I was on the ground until now. Holy shit. God no. White shivers. Shaking. Goosebumps. Headache getting worse. Worse than before?! Is that possible? Feels like my insides are being ripped apart. Everything was being stretched apart. Not now. Shallow breathing. My god, the pain--my eyes. Everything was quiet. Like feeling as if someone bashed me on my head with a sledgehammer. The pain, was it gone? I smiled a little in relief. It was just a slip up. My body wasn't handling it well. I knew it. Whew, just glad that's over.
I stood up slowly in front of the mirror, collecting my senses. I was making sure everything was 100% ok now. I opened my eyes and tried to focused in front of me. I couldn't. Everything looked so blurry. My hearing? Its silent. My god. No, am I? What's happening to me? Felt like I was going to throw up.
That's when I let out a strangled scream. But it was strange. Oh god. I gave myself away now. I was standing up still. I couldn't feel anything. But I didn't know that now. All I saw was black death covering my eyes as I looked at my sleeping body on the ground.
Was I? Could I be? ...No.
Story Tags: oral love hospital
