Josh's POV
They told me to wait. Me? They actually told me to wait. But for what? Fucking doctors. I can’t just sit here and wait. I tried to open my eyes but it hurt too much. I was blinded by so much pain. So much was happening and there was a lot I knew I could do.
I stood up and banged on the wall. I didn't feel any hurt. I couldn't feel anything. She's in there; in the room. What for? What could anyone else do to help her? She doesn't need them. To fix her, you have to understand her. What do doctors know about compassion?
"Fuck." I ran my fingers ravenously through my hair.
I punched at the wall with my bleeding hand. The were useless but they remain alive. I didn't stop beating up the wall until I felt my body being pried off with force. I barely noticed who pulled me off.
Blood. All I see is blood. All I dream of is pain. What else is there left? I have no idea how strong I should pretend to be. I'm barely hanging onto my own thoughts. While they are still crazy, they never go away. Nothing was hurting me. The battle was already over before I could figure things out. What can I do to solve her problems? Even when I'm there, its no use. Its as if I'm not there. Like I'm a ghost haunting someone who refuses to listen. What kind of life is this? Please, someone tell me? How do you force someone to live for you? To go through the hours, those petty hours that tick your life away. This isn't about her, this is about me. This has always been about what I want. I never actually did listen to her. I wasn't acting like the friend she need.
She thinks this. She knows this. She believes I was lying the whole time. That I would turn into her parents. The very people she hated and abandoned her. I realized that it was never about me. It was her. She didn't understand. She doesn't know what its like to have people care. To have someone really worry and not care about anyone else. This has always scared her. She can't leg go of this fear of. Ever since we meet. Now we're back to where we started.
Nothing's changed. Feels like years have gone by. I feel the lines close in my face like the inside of a tree stump. I was getting old. I could just feel it. Ever since I met her, my life has turned upside down. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I'm starting to think if its all worth it. If she is. She belongs to me yet she doesn't want anything to do with me. If she cared for second, she'd let me in. The worst thing to do now is drive away the people who care about you. But she learned from the people who were supposed to care. And they're dead now. Its the Good Will Hunting syndrome. The foster kid thrown around from place to place, wondering how the hell she's going to survive the next home. But this wasn't a foster home. This was her real home. This was her real parents who had a kid they didn't want.
This is why she is so complex. She still thinks I will leave her; just like everyone else has. She believes I'm no different then the people who pretend to care and turn their back on their word.
I take in a deep breath and groan. I don't know what I'm going to do. We can't be together if she truly doesn't want that. But I can't leave her again. I can't risk her safety just because she might not love me. But its all a lie. She's always been afraid of telling me how she feels. She thinks that self-destruction is the answer to everything. But she doesn't realize once she succeeds, she can't take it back.
People want her alive. I do. I can't breathe without her smile. I can't live if I knew she is in pain. But in a way, she has to know this. She has to trust me or else nothing is going to be fixed.
Love is not enough sometimes. I thought it was. I believed it always brought peace and light in places where it never existed. For the life of me I am trying. I haven’t left yet. I don’t want any reward or gold star for behaving. This is what humans are supposed to do. And I’m trying so hard now not to buckle and give up. Trying…
“Mr. Chasez, you can see her now. She’s resting.” A soft voice jerked me from my self-inflicted daze.
I woke up now. I pulled myself from the from and stood tall. I took a deep breath, assuring myself to start walking.
It worked, I was walking. I started to her room where the jovial nurse had led me and opened the door. My eyes stung with tears at the sight. She was still beautiful. So fragle. The faintest touch or whisper could break her. But she was sleeping. She is still alive. I didn’t fail. She has will left, unfinished business.
I nodded at the nurse and she closed the door, leaving us to privacy.
That heart monitor, beeping away my own life remained steady. I tried not to look at it. Instead I focused on why I was here.
I took a seat next to bed, so carefully. I moved like cat, so precise, but so meticulous. I was scared that any sudden movement might jolt her awake and I’d watch her die of the pain that was slowly killing her. Boy was I scared.
I have never seen a person in a coma like this. Everything you can imagine was sticking out of her. Her face, pale and weak from her strained heart.
She doesn’t deserve this! God damn it! There were so many things I could have done to prevent a lot of this. I should have been there from the beginning.
I broke my own rules and touched her hand, taking its delicacy in my grasp. If this was the last time there was something I needed to say.
I was bracing myself for something, I gulped down my scratchy throat and whispered my heart’s words.
“You know, this is just weird because the hospital is where we first met. I never thought that I would come back here again. I tried not to think about that day. But I can’t help it when it was the day I met you. Everything had changed. My world was turned upside down. I actually thought you came straight from my dream, and you had. If you can hear me, I just wanna say that I never stop thinking about that day. Heh, how annoyed you were with me, my mother bringing you in clearly against your will, and… your ring. I never take it off. I hung it around my neck because its closer to my heart. I never forgot what you did. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t thank whoever it was that brought you to me. I wish you would come back to me. Come back to us. I’ll never leave you, I promise you. I’ll always be here for you. And I’m not leaving until you wake up. I’m drowning in your heart. Its too important now. You need to know this. Come back… please. I love you.”
I hung my head down on her hand, kissed it gently, and started to cry.
Story Tags: oral love hospital
