Josh's POV

I walked with the nurse toward the waiting lobby. We silently passed by Dina. She didn't bother sitting down. Her body was in the same rigid position it was before. She was slumped on the floor when I came over with the nurse. Our footsteps had startled her. She straightened herself and paced her eyes. She was shaking and I took hold of her hand. Willing the rapid motions to cease. It felt cold and dry.

She nodded. I knew what she wanted without her saying anything. She was all alone in there. Somebody had to watch her.

Before she made it to the room I called her name. "She's resting. I'll be back to check in. Thank you."

Dina's eyes welled up, released her hand, and silently walked toward the room.

OK, I hated not knowing what was really wrong. Hopefully I was going to get my answers.

I looked at the nurse. My mouth went dry and I felt a sharp pain in my heart. The nurse was doing her job trying to remain calm for my sake. We took a seat on the chairs in the corner. It was less boisterous there. I looked up finally and took a deep breath.

"Mr. Chasez, there was something the doctor discovered. The amount of hydrogen inside your wife's system was dangerously high. We found Chromium in her system. We also found trace amounts of heroin mixed in with crack cocaine. She'd ingested a lot in just one day. Almost enough to nearly kill herself with. Her blood pressure has decreased and that is good news."

I wish I had paid attention in chemistry class now of all times.

I looked at her directly, "How is she really? Is something still wrong?"

The nurse blinked slowly, "Mr. Chasez, we don't know anything yet. The doctor is still running more tests. She is awake now. The doctor wanted me to tell you that your wife needs to rest and when he comes back, he will let you know more."

Great. More waiting. I blew a big chunk of air out of my lungs and closed my eyes. I hadn't realized I stopped breathing. If I knew what was wrong I would feel so much better. I can't stand these people telling me they don't know. They never know it seems. Everything is like that now lately. I never know, and when I figure out, its nearly too late. What a waste. But its not the nurse's fault I guess. I just need to relax. Wait until the doctor gets back with the results.

I finally gesture to the nurse, she got up and walked back to the front desk. The headache I thought was gone had came back. I really couldn't just sit here and sulk. I walked back to Mariah's room and knocked softly on the door. I felt a presence and the door opened. I peeked inside before I made my way into the room. Dina had gone back to the chair close to the bedside.

She was resting. Least that's what it looked like. Her eyes were closed but her mouth was moving. She groaned and slowly began to speak.

"What's going on?" Her voice was strained and I could feel the pain.

I took off my jacket, hung it over the corner chair and came closer to the bed. Dina looked at me. As if it was on signal, we traded places. She told me she was going to get some coffee and some fresh air. I nodded and gave my attention to Mariah.

God. How the hell did we get here? So much pain in such a short time. How does everything get so twisted so quickly? Where do I start to fix it? There is no manual for dealing with morality. No one tells you what you're going to feel or what happens when you believe everything is going to be OK. Being alone is one the hardest thing in the world. I don't think anyone can be truly be happy when you have no support.

But here she is. She's not wrapped in a pretty bow but hospital sheets. Its back at square one. Once again. She wants me around but she doesn't. I want to be around but I don't know where her mood is going to go each day I'm with her. She's got me in this life game that has to come to an end. I'm not going to do nothing about it anymore. I made a promise that I wouldn't be the person she has known all her life. She has no will left. No one wanted to give her that strength. She has nobody.

There is still a whole lot I don't know about her. Little things. Trivial things that also matter. I wanna know these things badly. It starts with her. Since she can't save her sanity, I cannot see that as a viable reason to leave. The glass has already broken. I'm sure it wasn't the first time. The millions of pieces lay on the floor, right before my eyes. If I picked one up, I'd get cut myself and throw it back. I didn't want to fix things that way. It takes time. And I have time to figure out. Funny how I still do even in times of complete hopelessness.

We're still afloat. We will find a way. She needs to stay alive. She needs to live for a reason. She needs to live for me.

I start to think of those words I used to sing when she wasn't here. The days and nights I would wish to take back everything I said and did. I never did stop thinking of her. I closed my eyes, and held her hand. I whispered the words of my heart.

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good

I opened my eyes to find her staring right at me. A weak smile spread across her face.

"Sing it again, please." I held my best friend's frail hand and started over.