Mariah's POV

I slept a long time until I got that feeling where you're suffocating and you're just killing time. I hate that beginning headache you get when you stand up. My eyes were open but I didn't want to get out of bed.

If I did, I knew what I'd have to face. I turned toward the wall and brought the covers over me a little tighter. I knew if I was going to stay in bed all day Dina might call my mom. That's her excuse for getting me up some days. Sometimes she'll come into the room and pull off the covers in one shot, that was the worst of it. One time she actually poured ice cubes on me. Since the covers were barely on, I felt everything. One time it was ice water. Holy shit.

Oh Josh. What am I going to do there? Fighting with myself was getting extremely tiresome. My heart wants this but what my heart wants is a different story. I had to think about a lot of things when it comes to my heart. Since I was bruised last year, I never gave myself a chance to forget what he did. But holding this against him can only work so long. He was leaving this Saturday. I don't have much time left.

This is like that scene in Buffy where Buffy has to decide if she should kill Angel after he changes from evil to good again. Does Josh have a soul? Would I be as stupid as Buffy was? Well, her situation was different a little bit. I'm not a slayer but I do own a mace can. And I don't have the "save the world" name tag on me 24/7.

This was it? What was left for me? The chance at unexpected pain, or following my destiny?

I have thought about this only a short time. Every time I had, I would get confused and let myself go; which is rare for me. I was never the girl who anyone thought of a confident or the ring leader guy's fantasies. Don't know if I'm supposed to be used to it, I guess I am.

I fixed the covers a little so they were over me in a neat way. I folded my sheets in. But when I sleep and wake up the next day, I always have out apparently I move around so much that the covers are somehow all the way on the bottom and everything comes out of its place. Plus, I talk in my sleep which is bad. I bet if I had a sister, she wouldn't stay in the same room because of the talking.

I sighed rolling on my right side, facing the front door. It was just like I'd left it. No one came to wake me. None of this sounded normal. I wasn't even sure if Josh or Dina were still here. Maybe they went somewhere. This totally sucks. What is he was still here?

I guess that means I'm alone. Shit. I heard the phone ring and pushed the covers off me. I didn't need this. Its one of those things where you're forced to answer because of the pestering ringing. It was my cell, it was Dina's old school phone and it was super big and bleeding from the ears loud.

The ringing didn't desist. I groaned and pulled myself out of bed quickly and ran to Dina's room. It was a pain but I made it. I picked up the receiver, "Hello?"

Ew, I sounded like Kathleen Turner in the morning. I tried to shake the tired out of me best I could. Man voice and all.

"Hey, Mariah? Did I just wake you?" Ugh, not the other half of my living nightmare.

"Actually yeah, Dad. Is this important?"

He sighed on the other end, "No, I'm just checking on you. You're mother and I are still worried. But Dina says you're doing OK there." Oh hells no, I'm not falling for that.

"Dad, I have things to do today and I did need a pep take every time you guys call. Its OK to let me grow up. Can you do that?"

I had no idea why I was asking. Wishful thinking.

"I just worry honey. You know you're a lose cannon. I'm not saying that to make you mad at me. I mean the problems in your life. Now, I'm not pushing you to do anything you don't want to do, just, can you listen to us? We know what we're saying and it difficult to help you when you ignore what we say?"

I couldn't believe him. I almost felt he had changed. "Please, I won't listen to you of all people say that my problems are bigger than yours. You and mom are not the ones to give advice."

I hung up on my father with a seething surge. No matter how much I wish for things to be different. My life is and remains the same. The vicious cycle that never desists.

I made my way back to my room. The angriness still dripping from me. I just wanted to break something and fucking punch the wall. Maybe I should. Sick of thinking of it.

"Are you OK?" I jump at the sound of his voice.

I could feel him. I should have known. I covered my body with my hands, blushing in frustration but not letting him see it.

"What do you want?"

"I heard you scream. I just wanted to make sure." I had to struggle to hear him, damn his ass.

I hated him this way. So soft and too promising. I liked him better when he wasn't. When he was gone. The way things were before. I didn't have to consider so much all at once. Josh was just a figment. I didn't dream of his face. There was no sign in sight of his return. It wasn't the hell I feel now. I didn't want to be here.

I gulped, my throat hurting as I did so. Just getting through this moment and the ones that follow. It hurt me to breathe. Not knowing what I can do to rid myself of this horror scene before.

I was alone and yet I was clobbered. I didn't care if he was here, trying to console me or whatever the fuck it was. I ached to just escape somewhere where I don't have to be put on the spot like this. Does he know what I'm feeling about this? Yes I was angry and I didn't care if he was leaving. Of all times to bother me, why did he pick now?

"Look, I don't this to be like I'm a hospital patient. You don't have to check up every second." I walked passed him and went back to my room to change.

Shit, I forgot to close that door. He knocked on it softly before I got a chance. "Can I ask you something please?"

Too damn sweet. I'm not falling for this that easily. I took the door handle in my grip and whispered my words, "Can you wait outside while I change?"

"Sure, I'll be in the kitchen when you're ready." I heard his footsteps move away from the door and sighed after I couldn't hear it anymore.

Man, how was I going to handle this? I wasn't ready to have this big talk with him yet. Was it a bad thing that desired him and fucking hated him all at once?

Josh POV

I couldn't handle feeling so many things at once. It was like a sensory overload. What was I going to say to make her listen to me? I was trying so many blanks I couldn't see straight. I had to struggle to not look at her legs. It's been so long since I really touched her. It was getting excruciating. Not doing what I really wanted to do. Telling her what I really needed.

But I had, didn't I? The letter. I wasn't sure if she read it or tossed it like an old rag. But I had, didn't I? The letter. I wasn't sure if she read it or tossed it like an old rag. I dreaded going through with this. Already I was having my doubts and they're piling higher than the next.

What if this is the end? I say goodbye and we all go home. To our old lives. The ones without air, without meaning. Stranded without reason only to find ourselves fighting the same tired fight all over again. I didn't want to go down that road. Not again. I was in love and I had to do everything to make her see that. Everything I can think of.

I must have dosed off a lot longer then I intended because she appeared in front of me. She was dressed in what looked like funeral clothes. They weren't meant to impress anyone and she wanted to make that clear. She looked like a sad animal about to be put to sleep. Her lips trembled and her hands were joining them in unison. This silence was driving my senses crazy. I wanted to just blurt everything out all at once and let the chips fall where they may. But instead, she made the first move, literally.

She sat down at the far end of the table, hiding her hands from my view. It was like a scene out of American Beauty. Awkward quietness piercing the air. It was too obvious to let it pass.

"Somebody better say something before one of is six feet under." I laughed at the subtly of the way she said that.

I scratched the back of my neck, taking in a big breath, "Well, OK, I don’t know, I'm drawing a blank here honestly."

"Nice... I read the letter by the way. I still don't know what I'm going to do. I need some time to think over some things. I have a life here. I've made progress; on my own. There's just too much to think about right now. Too many distractions and I don't know what to say about that letter Josh."

I gulped a lump in my throat. Shit. I was getting more upset by the second. I had an inkling that she might say that. She could just say no. But she agreed to listen, maybe, but I'm so confused. What did that mean?

"The letter was in case I couldn't tell you all I wanted to say. I knew this would happen. I can't make you believe me, I really want this to be up to you--"

"But you can't just expect an answer straight away. I know--Josh, I know this isn't going to be easy. You can't just show up here and fuck with everything I'd build for myself. It's just not how it works."

I let out the breath I was holding, "I'm not expecting you to do anything. Honestly, I'm fine either way with your decision. But if this is so hard, why didn't you say no to me?"

I wasn't trying to pull a Barbara Walters her with all these grilling questions but a lot of things didn't make sense to me. I wasn't about to let them be unanswered either. She was hiding something.

I watched her jaw tightened as she spoke with a flat tone, "Don't get your hopes up. I still don't know why you're here. Stop pretending like things are OK between us when they're far from that."

She stood up with a huff and charged down the hallway. I couldn't do this; I wanted to confront these issues now. I wanted everything out now. I was ready to tell her the real truth.

I followed right behind her praying that she didn't lock her door. "Come on, I really not asking for too much."

I pushed open the door and she was in the middle of logging onto her computer. "Go away; I'm in no mood to deal with this now."

I ignored her request and walked inside, closing the door behind. I grabbed a chair, turning it around, and sat on it backwards. A habit I picked up a long while ago.

I rested my face on the arms exhaling out my frustrations, part of them. "I miss you; I can't let this moment pass me by any longer. What can I do to make you understand this?"

She was quiet for about 30 full seconds, "Missing me isn't... You just, you need to understand some things before you put out those words you made me regret feeling."

What was worst is that I didn't see her say that. Next plan was put into action.