I had this overwhelming urge to just chuck something at him so I'll be left alone. He was relentless; like a terminator. He keeps coming back like a Lazarus and all I really wanted to be was by myself for a while. Just me and my mind. Well, trying to clear it if I can. But then, I don't know. I can't lie to myself, how I'm feeling. Too much has happened in such a short time.

I want to so badly get over this feeling of harmful imminent foreboding. There's no lying in my heart and I hated it. He knows what he's done, but I wasn't so sure he could keep me. I wanted to open up and be free. Just let the wind carry me anywhere and bath within the covers. I sunk in that for a moment. How would my life be if I could get away with that? So scandalous, but to me, it would come naturally. If only...

I'm just a scared little girl trying to feel her way around the spikes. Fuck whoever can't understand that. I was so sick of making everyone care. I'm harboring my fears so close its beginning to dour my chances. Too close for comfort. I wade in my own insecurity just for the fun of it. Why? I still don't know. I guess its easier sometimes living with eyes closed. There is no pain, you can't be afraid, love is what it is and will always be; a burden for fantasies.

No one knows that about me. I chose to be a big ball of mystery wrapped into a dangerous ball of silence, crawling and craving out my own pathway.

It had been at least 7 hours and counting since Josh tried to force me to listen to his pathetic ways so he can use me once again. If there's anything I've learned about all this is to protect what you have left. I had been burned so hard.

Now that he was here, its was getting increasingly difficult for me pretend to find something to fill my day. It's only been one day and but it feels much longer. Reminds me of how we met. To be honest, I've tried so hard to block things even though they keep coming back. I really wasn't in my right mind to be dealing with this. My life had enough shit in it thank you.

But who am I always saying that to? No one knows these things. Frankly because I'd be wasting my breath. No one really understands what's going on inside but you. Its still the same.

I opened up the window to let out the hot air. Texas weather scorches everyday life, but truthfully its much cooler outside than in. Las Vegas is like this too. That's a strange thing. Back in LA, there were cold nights, but as soon as summer hit, there were days I just wanted to place my face in front of a fan all day.

The longer I stay in here, the more I'm going to just pull my hair out at this heat. I was grateful that we had a pool, but I rarely used it. Mostly because I like to go out by myself and try to stay cool. It was a lot easier doing things on my own this way. Everything tells me, why don't I have friends? Why can't you make friends? Is something wrong with you?

First of all, fuck everyone who judges without knowing the facts. And that goes for everything. The short answer is I have no need for them. Whenever I did try to keep anyone in my life, it only hurt me in the end. And I'm not saying this as some kind of fucking ingénue, though I do act like one. But in all my life, whenever I trusted people, the people I needed, I was used and I found out in the worst ways. I figure most people enjoy are using me, so why waste my time?

Yeah, I'm being cynical, but what else is left to believe? I have to look out for myself. Life isn't up to my par, it may never be. But this is the only way to gain control without fucking everything else up.

I was caught up in the moment, simple but a reality. It was a short tale and played itself out like movie. A boring one. I find myself walking out the first 10 minutes in. There are better things to gossip about.

"Is wanting to be important a bad thing?" I can't count how many times I've asked this to myself.

I heard a knock and a creak in the door as it swung open.

"How long are you going to stay here? Come on, honey. He's not going to leave."

I held up my hands, "I don't want to be around him. I don't want to be around anyone."

I sat on the edge of my bed, folding my hands on my stomach as I laid back slowly. Every time she does this I tend to feel bad, sometimes cry. She had a way of forcing me to do things I didn't want to do.

Dina came inside and sat on the other side of my bed. I turned on my side so she wouldn't see what was going on. She didn't understand why. It was her fault he's here. She did this and now I'm paying the price. Besides, no one knows what happened between he and I. I bull shit the therapist. I'm good at making up stories with real emotions. I know that's mean but what else am I gonna do? Tell the truth?

"He's leaving in 5 days. It couldn't be so bad to just hear him out. I don't know. I don't want to say I know what's going to happen but he's here. He dropped everything in his life to come here, for you. It could have been different."

Typical Dina, but I got to love her efforts. She did have a point, but too much has gone done already. A lot of shit has happened and he didn't care to come back. I have to keep telling myself this is a trick. People do that you know? They like the ruse, its sick but its how it goes with them. And other people have to pay for it. By that I mean me.

"Things are a little more complicated than that. I don't know, something isn't right about all this. His intentions are way off, I just can't risk it again. I have to be firm about this. He'll get tired and leave before the week is up, I'm sure of that."

Dina sighed heavily and rubbed my back. I was getting used to it I guess.

"Well you didn't expect him to come and he did. OK, now I'm not gonna lie here, I had some hand in this but it was all it took. He could've ignored the call and shut you out. But he's here, and he's willing to make up whatever you guys have lost. I don't know but he seems really serious this time."

"How can I love someone I don't trust? Is this going back to the intimacy? We barely had any. I'm holding onto this idea he gives me. But if I do this, I'll get sucked into everything he does and my personality won't let it go. Believe me, I've tried. Coming here doesn't change things. My life was getting better here. I'm happy."

Dina got up from my bed and picked up a photo on my dresser. I haven't the slightest clue what she was doing. Her features grew harsher, the lines in her forhead closed in. It broke my heart. I hated seeing her like this. She walked over and sat back down next to me, photo gripping in her right hand.

"Di, what are you doing?"

She struggled with her next words, I had to listen closely to hear her, "Your mom took this picture of you a year ago. I just have this feeling it might happen again and I have nightmares because of this. Nearly every night. And your mom wanted to forget about this; almost like it never happened. She wanted to completely erase any traces of this. But I couldn't. I don't forget things like this like her. Stuff like this is serious, Mariah. Love is so rare. I don't want to see you like this. I can't let you be alone. This is why I work at home and I'm always here. I'm really scared you might pull something like this again... and I won't be here to notice. It'll be too late. I can't let you drive yourself crazy, trust me, you deserve to be happy. You have a chance, you always do to make it right. Life isn't cut and dry. You can't find peace by avoiding things that matter. Avoiding people who care for you. You don't have to be alone. Your life can be more."

For someone as defensive as me, listening was a hard thing to do. I was taking everything she said in like I was being tested on it. She handed me the photo and stood up.

As I looked at the picture, she bent down, giving me a kiss on my cheek. Stinging me with the compassion. "Remember, there's always someone out there. It's ok to be scared. But life is there to live it. You're smart, don't let the pain control what you really need in life."

And with that, she left. I was alone again. But it was a different kind of alone. I was eternally alone in more ways than one. I held up the picture. I didn't know what to think. I didn't recognize what I saw. The hospital. That day of wanting and needing peace in my own way. And I was brought back, but why? I noticed there were lines every which way like a road map and the usual fleshy color had been drained from every inch of my face. I looked emaciated. My eyes were closed and looked like it would stay that way forever. I looked like death. A dark blue shade that terrified me. Every cut and crease was dismantled. My life was ruined; I remember. People were controlling me. The 16-year-old who I thought had finally ceased to exist appeared right before me and I felt helpless. Funny thing, just like that.

I was in that mind again. That cold, unwavering scene that erupted as soon as my mother started screaming. Everything went black. The scene took it's place even if I was ready or not. I shivered at the surroundings, not sure when it will end. When these things come up, they go away only when they want to.

I opened my eyes, tearing at the picture until the shards of squares fell on the floor. My life can't end like this. I still had control. I just have to keep telling myself that.

Josh's POV

I was beginning to feel like a Kato a little bit just vegging out in front of the TV, waiting until she comes to her senses. I felt more and more apathetic as the minutes go. This sucks that I can't change free will. As much as I want to so badly. I can't make anyone trust me when I need them to. Its like one of those annoying head banging riddles. Only I bet even the hardest ones can be solved. Its a lot harder than it seems.

I'm barely watching the shitty reality show, trying not to just scream at the top of my lungs how I feel. But she knows. Now she does anyway. I was hoping Dina could be a little guide in this thing. It was her idea, but it was my choice.

Ugh, just sitting here agonizing over this is making me sick to my stomach. How do you do this? I felt like a waste of space just sitting here and waiting for her to make the first move. What does it take to find the answers you need? I'm lucky enough to have found her, but coming here wasn't easy. Putting my life, putting all that I've worked for down the list. I would give it all up for her, in a heartbeat. Why doesn't she seem to understand that? Am I saying it wrong?

"Hey, Josh?" I put the bag I was holding down and turned around.

Dina came around the couch and sat down calmly. I could tell something was wrong I didn't need to ask her.

"I don't know, I tried to talk to her. Usually this works. I found out she didn't see her therapist last time and now she's avoiding this. I gave her something. Maybe she'll turn around. I just can't let this happen to her again. Not again. I have so many nightmares and if she keeps playing this isolated game, I don't know, we have to do something Josh. We have to think of something, I can't lose her. I know that nobody cares like us. Go to her. She won't say no this time. But if she does, don't give up on her."

Oh man. Dina was right. I can't just sit here and do nothing. I knew something didn't feel right about this.

"Ok, I'll try," I stood up and began walking toward her room.

I grew afraid with every step but I couldn't let it stop me. She needed me, wheither she said so or not.

I knocked softly and pushed the door slowly open to see her curled up in a ball, facing the opposite direction, "Hello?"

I saw her wipe at her eyes and turn around. Her eyes, red and swullen, tried to express a strangled accusation.

I nodded my head, getting it, "Sorry I could come back."

I started to leave when... "I wasn't asleep... What is it?"

Every bone in my body twitched but I still managed to face her. "Are you ok?"

She broke the gaze and took a deep breath. "There's nothing you can do."

"I can listen." I said softly, trying to reason.

"And be like everyone else? I've heard it before, Josh. Listening is trivial. Its just -- I don't think you would understand me."

I became brave and pulled out a chair next to her and sat down. "Wanna give it a shot? What have you got to lose?"

"What's left of me. This isn't a simple thing. You hurt me. Life doesn't just get better when you show up. It's more complicated than that."

"I can't lose you. I can't let you push me away so easily. I know what happened. I know what I did now."

She looked at me now, "I'm so upset with you that it pains me to admit that I still love you. You have to let me go now. Why can't you move on?"

"Because its too late for me and for you too."