Mariah's POV

"What do you mean it’s too late? I'm sorry Josh but if you think you're going to play games than you need to get your fucking head checked. I can easily erase you just like I had before."

"Why are you so scared to love me? I'm not playing any games here, this is the real deal. Why can't you open your eyes and see that?"

My breath shook and my blood was beginning to boil. I honestly had had enough, "You know, this is just too much all at once. I'm tired of trying to explain myself over an over to you. Why, why are you here? Really? Just tell me and then you can just sign it off early. Forget the rest of the week. I don't give a shit what happened."

“Look, I didn’t come here to pick fights or start any trouble. I don’t know, I just, I’m trying here. Mariah, look, what do you want to do? If you want me to go away then just say so. I’m not looking to mess with things anymore then I already have. Please give me a chance.”

I couldn’t look at him for a long time. I decided to stay quiet until I really needed to speak. Ever since he came here, things were starting to get worse. I wasn’t sure if I had stomach having my heart broken a second time. He ruined things a long time ago and I wasn't feeling too good about forgetting it. What if it happens again? Its too saccharine an idea to take in. Does life move this way? A constant struggle of guessing what the next move is. I really can't deal with that pressure. Too much was riding on that thin line of possibilities.

"Josh, I can't do this. I'm not going to stress this point any longer. I just don't know. I need to think about my life, the rest of it. I have other things to take care of first. My mom might be coming over and now I have to find a way around that..."

"When is she coming?" He quipped.

I threw the pillow down and walked into my closet. Maybe there was a way to get around not being here. Man this is like an ongoing battle within my mind. I fucking hated this shit. I forgot why I came inside and turned around only to fall down on top of his body. Ugh, why this?

I pulled back and tried to pick myself up but he held my hand before I could do anything. "No, don't do this Josh. I have to get up."

He ignored my words and pulled me closer to him, lacing my fingers on the hand he was holding. His free hand caressed the outline of my jaw. I made the big mistake of leaning into the gesture. I can't do this. I can't dream and fantasize when I know what will happen. I won't get hurt and I will not get played ever again. But here I was, being the naïve dreamer. And let me tell you something. It doesn't happen this way. Things like this only happen in the shallow world. Not so freely.

But I was trapped and I let it happen. What was going to happen now?

"I can't let--"

"Can't let what? How you feel? Why not? What's wrong with just giving in?"

The way it flowed was like another dream. No different from any other night. But here we are and again, I wasn't being strong enough to resist. The more he touched me, the harder all of the other things became. I managed to take in a deep breath despite the sullen predicament. Oh man, I dreaded this so much. I couldn't let this go any further. No more, I won't be controlled.

I shivered out of his hold only to have him hold me up as I was trying to get up. Not in a sex slave way, I wasn't hurt; but this does not look good. This was so soon. There's so much I don't know, so much he needs to do for this to work. Which it won't, it can't, what the fuck am I saying?

"Josh, please, why are you doing this?"

Suddenly, he sprung off me in a odd fashion and leaned against the wall. It terrified me. I didn't know what to do except catch my breath. I'm guessing he was scared to go further. I'm glad he did or things would have gotten much worse. Oh man, I was sweating and my headache came back. It was like a large pin stuck at the back of my brain.

He covered his eyes with his palms and grunted a long sigh out. It was painful to hear. He didn't rape me, he has to know that. He stopped before anything else happened.

"Josh, it’s OK. You didn't do anything wrong." I sat up a little more so I can get closer to him.

Something big almost happened and he needs to understand that. I slowly took him hand, not sure what I was doing honestly. His hands haven't left his face yet and it was super frightening now.

"Josh? Look at me. I think we need some space. I can't be around you like this. I have to go." As I said that, I stayed where I was and watched him.

He removed his hands but didn't turn to look at me. It seemed like something out of Hellrasier. I feel like any moment he might stab me and I'd be helpless. It was like another person before me. He has one of those faces that can mean anything. Right now its stoic, almost too still to the part where I questioned if I was dreaming.

It was too late, I got up in the rush and ran at full speed to the bathroom. All this was too familiar. I was scared for my life only it wasn't my fault this time. Fuck. I didn't know what to think. I sure wish I knew what he was thinking now.

Josh's POV

I wasn't sure if I was still here. She ran from me. I had a flash back to a year ago when the same situation took place. That was when she couldn't trust me and now, I'm skating on thin ice. Maybe I am going crazy again. Maybe this was the wrong time to act on impulse.

Why can't my life be easy? I wondered that every time I dreaded the next moment and the ones that followed. I grabbed at my head and attempted to squeeze the pain away. Ugh, this was just a living nightmare. I’m not in the right state of mind to do anything.

I feel like I should turn myself in. Like I committed a crime, but this was something else. OK, I know I have to get up or everything will be worse.

I can’t do this. I can’t be what she wants, needs. Not like this. Maybe not ever.

“Josh, what happened? Where is she?” Dina’s voice shook me out of my body.

I didn’t mean to shake but she came out of nowhere. But honestly, I can't talk to anyone right now. I felt like jumping off a 40ft building, the last thing I need on my deathbed was a lecture.

She didn’t know, nobody knows anything about who I am. The more they ask or pretend to care, the harder this gets for me. I really shouldn’t kill myself to find out why. But maybe Mariah was right. Maybe what I did was just too horrible to fathom and there’s just no way we can both be happy. But we maybe we need time too.

But maybe there is. Letting go of this would be the only way. Love shouldn’t be so much work. There’s that word again. Why did I say it? Why did I mean it? Two very good inquisitions I’ll never know the answer to.

But I got up, hanging my head down as I walked to the front door, saying nothing, not a sound. I didn’t need to. What good have they done me so far?

What happened you ask? Where is she? You’re asking the wrong questions Dina. Life is not simple like that. It’s cold, and freezing to the point where you want to fall back into the darkness because it’s all you really knew. Darkness is what cradles me and makes me safe. It got easier when I didn’t talk.

I slowly closed the door behind me and walked over to the bench and took a seat, making very little noise. Ugh, can’t I just close my eyes and imagine black and just fuck off from the world?

Did I really just… did it? No, nothing happened. I would never do that. Ugh, I’m not all that right.

My cell rang in my pocket. I thought I lost it before. But did I really want to talk to anyone now? Probably not, though I still answered it.

Anything to get my mind off the rubbish thoughts tainting me.

“Yeah, hello?”

“Josh, its you. Where are you? I thought we were hanging out tonight, remember?”

Jamie? Oh god in heaven no. Why in the world do I hook up with these people? I’m changing my line after this.

“Hey, sorry. I’m out of town right now. Its sort of a last minute trip and it was important. I’m coming back on Friday.”

“Josh, seriously, where are you? You’ve been gone for 2 days and everyone’s freaking. I mean come on. I was sort of expecting you tonight. You know, just like last time. Like we always do.” I shut my eyes at the vulgar tone she used.

Was I really this guy? Did I turn into the guy that does this?

“Jamie, things are different now. I can’t talk about it right now, I’m busy.” Now I wanted to just click off and think about Mariah.

“But you’re coming back right? I mean you promised me. We had such a great time and I know it can be just like that again if you were here with me.”

I pinched my temples together, “Bye Jamie.”

I clicked off the line, shut it off, and let out the strong wind of air I had been holding. The shivers started to dissipate and the rest of my body relaxed. I was shocked at the people I surrounded myself with in the last year. I really have turned into a user. A lack of feelings and disregarding the damage I’ve done. It was so easy to get distracted in that life. I didn’t have to do anything.

“Who’s Jamie?” I turned to the voice and gulped back the only thing I was thinking.

I stood up and began twitching. How much did she hear? “She’s… she’s not important.”

Dina came closer to me and I shrunk backward in a craven manner. “Josh, what really happened? She locked her door now and not saying anything. Tell me, what is it?”

“Jamie is my past. If you really want to know, yeah, stuff, shit and stuff happened with a lot of girls. But I’m in control of it now. I’m not giving up on her. I can’t.”

Dina leaned against the chipped wooden railing, “Was it big? Why is this such a secret?”

“Dina, you won’t understand. I-I wasn’t thinking and things got out of it for a second. I think we should stay away from each other for a while.”

She sighed, rubbing at her eye as she looked at me unassumingly, “What do you want me to tell her?”

The only thing that made sense was, “Just tell her I’m here. Tell her she’s not alone. I just need some time. I need to think about some things. Refresh my mind maybe.”

I moved to leave and she put her hand on my arm, “Where are you going?”

I nodded, wiping my eye before anything came out. I was careful now. “I’m still here, give me time.”