Mariah’s POV

I chose to stay in my room for the rest of the day. I was getting worried. I got up and stood in front of my mirror. I stared for a long time. What exactly was I finding? How many times do I have to stare at nothing? I was a nothing. I wasn't ready to come out yet. I locked my door just in case someone bursts in whenever they feel like it.

Oh man, I can't handle all of this right now. Feeling so torn yet it was so easy for me to shut things out. That made no sense to me. People are coming in and out constantly. Why can't they just stop? Bleeding them out would hurt more than I can say. Josh really doesn't get it. He doesn't really know how to love anyone. He doesn't even like himself. That confuses me more than anything.

Its too fast. All of this. I made a choice for me. I wanted to be free. I had to be away. I knew if I didn't, life would seem slow, falling further into something I couldn't begin to know again. Why? Why was I being cornered again? I feel like this the same game he was playing back in LA. I was dying in the city.

I looked around my room again. This was my prison. I closed my eyes. This was my hell. No matter what I do, what I change, its the same. If I think I could trust again, I forget about my chances again. But I'm in a room. How the hell am I going to know anything if I barricade myself in here? How indeed. But I hated the world. I wanted more than anything to fling open that door and jump in his arms.

It wouldn't be the fairytale ending but its what I wanted. I love him but how can I do this? I only have 4 days left. I know all of the mindless thinking is probably making me look even more dysfunctional. You're probably right. I'm a loser but nobody knows that more than me so it only makes it worse when my mom says it. She knows its my weak spot and she goes for it like a long jumper training in the Olympics.

I only wish they were dead. Honestly, the world wouldn't miss people like them. Would you?

I walked to my door. I'm getting shy now. I hate this feeling. Just open it damn it. But he's there. Why is this so hard for me?

Ok, just do it. Open the door and fucking run passed him. He probably won't notice you're there.

I gulped as I placed my hand onto the handle. Oh man, why the fuck is this such a challenge? I took my hand back as if I touched fire. I took a few steps back, unsure now. I took a deep breath and focused.

"This is so silly. This can't be that hard." Pep talks never work and its worse when you're saying it to yourself.

Just like ripping off a band-aid, I did it. I let out the breath I was hold and took a big step out. Good god. I made it.

I ran both my hands through my hair and tried to calm down. How was I going to face him like this? Face him alone? Josh really shouldn't be here. He doesn't belong here. I do. I belong to me. Nobody really belongs to anyone. Its hard to accept something so big like that. If you ask me, I don't buy a fucking word of it.

This isn't Breakfast at Tiffany's, I'm not a long lost cat and I don't belong to anyone. No one puts me in a cage.

That was when I noticed things were extremely quiet. I had a feeling that I was in one of those 80s cult slasher movies and someone was gonna jump out and grab me when I least expected it. Is there any other way to go lamely? Seriously I probably wouldn't last that long anyway.

I turned around the corner and peeped around the rooms. No one. Was this supposed this happen? Am I in one of those dreams where I'm not dreaming? How stupid, seriously?

"Hello? Di? JC?" I raised my voice only slightly above a whisper.

Damn, where is everyone?

"Over here." I think I heard what I thought was Dina coming from outside.

Maybe she's smoking again. Ugh, I hated when she openly smoked around me.

I walked around the corner and slipped on my slippers. I shivered at the cold night and grabbed my long coat before I walked outside. I heard Maggie whining and knew I was close. That pooch followed Di everywhere. I huddled my shoulders together as the November night breezed through my senses, making me instantly freeze.

My nose was starting to get that shiver that I dreaded as I got closer toward her. I only hope that this was important. I could have just stayed inside and asked questions later.

"Di? Where are you?" I turned around and jumped, holding my chest and tried to compose my heart.

"Hey, honey." I could just smell the tart niccotaine all over her.

It made me sick to my stomach. I hated when she was self-mutilating. My teeth started to clatter as I tried to answer.

I pulled my hair back out of my eyes, "Where is he?"

There was this look in her eyes that I couldn't understand. It looked as if she was about cry or had been crying and wanted to continue. Oh man, what's going on? Is it him? My heart was racing too fast for any of this.

"Let's go inside sweetie. I need to explain some things." Oh no, Dina rarely sounds like this.

Must be something big. I carried my body behind her and prayed that it wasn't Josh. There's much I never got to say. What if it was too late. What if I really lost him?

That is a bad thing, that's all I know.

Josh's POV

I decide to hang out at the closet dive I could find. Seemed like one of those places between nowhere and goodbye. It smelled of sawdust and hard whiskey. I wasn't really sure if this was the right place for me but I was running out of options.

I'm trying not to get too out of it because I was my only ride back. I didn't want to come back all weird anyway. I only had a few or so days left to convince her.

I lifted the beer bottle to my lips and took a swing. It stung a little and it bothered me a lot. More than I can say. Seriously, how do you change free will? You can't. It's one of life's many mysteries that will never get solved. Such a shame. I thought I had it all was planned. My life. All those little factors would just work out just like it had in my mind. But really, was I that naïve? I mean, come on?

Cut and dry? Simple and processed. Why? That confused me so much. Why did I waste so much time doing nothing? I really didn't have the life I said I would have. Nothing was divine or grandiose for me. It was what it was. I didn't feel alive. I think because deep down, I didn't want to. It was my way of not reaching for the razor again.

I felt a tap at my shoulder but refused to turn. I knew what it was and I wasn't going to let it control me. I had to focus on what I was going to do. Sex is the last thing I need now.

"Honey, why you sitting here all alone?" I shivered disgustedly at the female voice whispering in my ear.

I closed my eyes shut and opened them again. No. Not this. I won't be tempted. My voice shook, but why?

"Sorry, I can't do this now. Go away." I wasn't sure if I sounded convincing enough.

I gripped my beer so tightly I'm sure all the blood had rushed to my hand. She then placed her hand on top of mine. But this was near my crotch. Holy shit. What the fuck was going on? I was saying one thing and letting the other happen.

"I'm sure that's not what you really want sweetie. I can do anything you want."

Mariah. OK. Just think about Mariah. Think about how she would feel if I did anything. She's bound to find out. Secrets always come out. I just can't let this happen. Oh my god, I have to get out of here.

Oh no, not there. Why the hell am I not doing anything to stop her? Fuck. She reaches down and grips me in her hand.

I let go of the beer and finally got up from the stool.

She narrows her cat eyes at me, "What's wrong with you? Are you gay?"

Not this now. I have to get out of here before I do something so bad. But I couldn't move. Shit. It was as if I felt so embarrassed like I had to prove something to her. But what? She was a whore and I was a man in love with someone who can't seem to tell me what she wants.

"Please stop. I need to get away."

Stop it, just stop it. Get it together. Nobody knows me. Nobody knows who I am. This isn't fair. I'm fighting for nothing.

My cell rang. I feel the vibrate and the loud ringtone waking up my senses.

I instantly grab at it and switch it on, "Hello?"

My breath came out a little more ragged than intended.

"Josh, where are you?" Dina's voice brought me back to life.

I had to take this outside or I wasn't going to control myself. I had to stay calm, not let ANYONE know what's really going on. The point is, nothing happened. Why press it?

I reach the crisp air of the night and took a deep inhalation, "I'm coming back. I just needed to get some space. What happened? Is she OK?"

A pause. My throat went dry.

She cleared her throat, "Josh, we need you to come back here now. I can't explain everything on the phone and I really think she needs you more than ever."

I gulped, oh god, "I'll be right there, on my way."

I clicked off and ran as fast as my legs can carry me to the car. On the way, only one thing was on my mind and I didn't know how I was going to handle this. But I'm listening and I'm here. I could only focus on one thing at a time so my thoughts are cleared at the moment. I pushed away the worst case scenarios and bad news. I had to.

I pulled up to the front and ran to the door. My breath was out of control and my cheeks were flushed. Oh man. This is harder than I thought. She can't see me weak. I can't break down. What if its good? I mean by some miracle, what if that's the case? Truth was, hell if I knew. She needed me, it doesn't matter anyway.

I opened the door, trying to be as calm and assured of whatever's going to happen when it does. Dina appeared from the corner wiping at her eyes.

She came closer toward me and lowered her voice, "She's in her room now. I heard her ask for you. I just -- she could break at any moment. I caught her reaching for a bottle earlier. She's calm now. I think. I mean, she took it hard but I didn't want to, I couldn't believe that after all she's been through she'd react this way."

I nodded and place my hands onto her shoulders, "What happened to her?"

Dina wiped at her eyes again. It was then I noticed even through the dark that her eyes were streaked with bits of red and they were puffed out as if she had been like this for hours. "There was an accident. Her mother and father were planning on coming here to take her back home. She had a big arguement with her mom and and told her that if she did come here that the plane will crash and she would be happy about it. She hung up the phone and I tried to do everything I could for her to understand maybe where her mom is coming from. She wouldn't listen to me for the first time since she's come back. I had gotten a call from Eric and he told me that they were still coming even if she disagreed."

Dina paused for a moment. She couldn't hold back the tears anymore as they spilled down her cheeks. "They were killed over an hour ago. I didn't have a choice, I had to tell her."

Dina looked up at me with those green glassy eyes. In my mind I was breathing but I suddenly forgot how to. I shook my head slightly, gathering what I was about to say, "She's in her room?"

She nodded her head quickly as I made my way over to the hallway. My legs were shaking but this wasn't the time for that. I had to be calm. I needed to show her that I can get it together.

I stopped in front of the door. I closed my eyes as I knocked softly. I took a deep breath and waited.