Mariah's POV

I thought I heard something but I wasn't sure if my hearing was all there. I don't understand. Why was this happening?

But what really bothers me is what I was feeling. I pulled the covers over my head and closed my eyes.

There was that knock again. Dina why? Come on? I really can't face her like this. I literally just found out and I'm being clobbered. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of all these people in my life wanting to know or telling me they want to understand me. Why? Does it really matter if more people know?

They weren't the greatest people in the world, I mean my mom and my dad were far from saints. Like the furthest from that as possible. In fact, they led healthy, planned out lives without any big concerns. Oh but when I did something that wasn't quite planned out, I'll never forget the look on my dad's face a year ago.

In their eyes, I messed up their control streak. I wished them dead and I got my wish. So if that's the case than why the fuck am I crying this hard?

"Mariah? May I come in?" His gentle voice rang loud in my ears.

I pulled the covers off my head but kept my eyes closed. I sighed and turned around as I felt the door creek open. I made sure to turn to the wall. My eyes were shut so tight. Almost as if I'd shoot out a lazar beam if I opened them. It wasn't OK yet. I know it wasn't.

I opened my eyes but only to see how close he was. They were like little slits open as I hear the door shut and watched him through a mirror sit on the rocking chair in the corner of the room.

He licked his lips and began, "I'm here for you. I'll just listen. I love you... I can't let you do this alone. I've tried, believe me, it doesn't work. I just -- I wanna be here for you. I can't leave you alone."

I sniffed back, refusing to move. I wanted him to think I was dead maybe. Would that work? Maybe I should pretend to sleep. Living is easy with eyes closed. Now I know what that means.

I opened my eyes wider. "Why not?"

"Because... I know what its like to lose someone. I was really close to my uncle back home. I was young when it happened but I felt like it was my fault because the last time I saw him, we had a fight. I don't know. Dina told me what happened. All I know is its not your fault. I blamed myself for years over this same thing. I just can't let you deal with this alone."

"I don't think you have a choice. I'm fine."

"Maybe now. But this is how it starts. Look, I'm not going to argue over this. I don't want to make things worse."

I turned around and faced him, "Then why are you still here?"

He came closer, knelt down, and took my hand. I just let him.

"Being alone is not the best way sometimes. I've been where you are. Its not the way to heal. I didn't have a lot of help. I took the worst path. My family really couldn't help. But I understand it. My uncle was so controlling, some days it was too much to take. But I knew deep down that he knew me more than anyone."

I closed my eyes and sighed, opening them up again. "Really? Do you have any idea how this makes me feel? I'm finally free. You don't understand what its like to wish someone dead for so many years and have it happen. Have you wished that to anyone?"

He removed his hand from mine and caressed my cheek. I felt paralyzed. Why couldn't stop it?

"Once, I think it was with my first foster family. I would pray that something horrible would happen to them so I could be with my real family."

I was surprised by this. "You were adopted?"

"Yeah, 2 families took me in. But I was so young I barely remember what happened."

I nodded slowly, "Why did you try to kill yourself?"

The knock at the door stopped everything. I was shut out of everything. The one thing I wanted to know and this happens?

Josh kissed my hand, got up and faced the door, "Everything is fine. We're OK."

I sat up and got a head rush from doing it so quickly. I wanted so badly to bring him close to me and be in his arms.

I pulled at Josh's sleeve. He turned and took my hand, "Hmm?"

I brought his hand down with me to sit on the edge of the bed. I wanted him inside my covers. Touching me, everywhere...

I smiled a little, "Its OK. You can stay."

He looked a bit taken back as I said this. I think he was wanting to get out of the room as smoothly as possible. I think I didn't want him to leave just yet. I miss his touch. His hands.

How he used to hold me and feel me. I could use those memories. They were the only ones that made since.

He leaned forward and brushed the back of his hand on my cheek. "You mean so much to me. I can't bare to see you so sad. I'll be here for as long as you need me."

I closed my eyes, trying to sponge all my emotions together. If I was going to break again, I couldn't hold it securely.

I opened my eyes calmly, knowing exactly what I wanted to do, "I do need you. You're right. Can you do something for me?"

He brought my hand up and kissed it so softly. Made my insides melt, "Anything for the woman I love."

I sat up a little straighter. I moved close to his ear, "Make me feel good."

Josh's POV

I shivered at those words. Everything inside me closed up. Something about the way she said that didn't make sense. Well, I don't know. It didn't feel right.

She pulled back and placed her forehead against mine. "I need you."

OK, this was a big thing for me. Control it. Don't let it sound too good. Man this was really hard. I had to be the one in control here. This is not her. This is someone else. She wouldn't just up and do this. And I'd be totally using this opportunity just to get laid. This isn't what she needs. I think this is her way of trying to reach out, or to feel something. I can't pick which one. That part's confusing to me.

I pull away just a little. I took a deep breath, this was it. I can't close myself off now.

"I know why you're doing this and I understand why. But I can't let you do this to yourself. I can't use you. I can't be with you but not like this. I'm sorry."

I wasn't going to give up but I had to let her know why. She needs to know that much.

She caresses my face, wow, how could I ignore her touches? How could I possibly? This isn't fair.

"I love you and I don't care, I just wanna feel you. Let me feel you." She said tenderly.

Oh my god. I'm torn and its almost too late. Maybe not. It was knawing at my heart and I know that I'm not going to last much longer if I don't do something now.

I take both her hands and kiss them softly. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I had to.

"I know what's going on. These feelings are clear I know but now is not the time. I can't do this. Its ok to feel like this, I understand."

Her mouth twitched and her eyes wondered. I was scared. It was a tough decision to make but I had to. Doing something like this at a time like this could make things much worse. And I would hate for that to happen because of me.

Since I really can't relate to her situation, it seems futile to say much. I can really offer silent comfort and just be there. Something her parents never gave her. I mean, its gotta be rough alone to deal with this sort of thing.

She broke again, this time it hurt me and I started to not hold anything back. “I feel so stupid. I thought--I don’t really know what’s going on now. Its just, I didn’t expect to do this I mean, I don’t know…”

I nod, “Yeah, but its ok. I know what the reason was. You’ll always have me, always, you need to know this. I can’t breathe knowing your in pain. I know you want to be alone but knowing both our track records I don’t think it’s the best thing to do now.”

She sighs, her body straightening up so I can see her better. She licked her lips looking around me, “I know, I can’t go there again. Dina took away the bottle. I still don’t know what made me grab it. I mean, it wasn’t the same feeling I had last year when I was doing it. I guess in a small way I still wanted them around. It sounds sick.”

I brought her closer. She fit perfectly in my arms, just like it was before, only a little different. It was just us. I relaxed as I took everything in.

“No, its not. I think you really wanted a family just like I always wanted. But what your going through is nothing compared with me. But I know exactly how you feel.”

I feel her body cuddle closer if possible. She hugged me tighter as if she was going to tell me a life-changing secret.

“I really thought this was it. I mean I’ve been waiting to be free for so long. I really didn’t know that karma was this strong. You know what I was thinking of when I heard?”

“Hmm?”

“Why can’t I go too?”

I kissed the top of her head, “No, its wasn’t you. Its not your fault angel. None of this could be.”

“I think deep down I know that. But its like, why? They’re dead and I’m still here. I don’t know, maybe its not supposed to make sense.”

“Death never does. No matter how many questions we ask. I think its best to just not be alone. Now I mean… It only leads to worse things.”

I took a deep breath, “When I lost my uncle I really didn’t understand it. The first hour, 2 hours later were the hardest. Imagine losing the only person you can be you around? I remember Tyler and Heather were toddlers and I was 17. I mean it wasn’t that long ago but it still felt longer to me. I still haven’t gotten over the shock of it. He was so healthy and full of energy. Most of my family thought he might live to be at least in his 90s.”

“…I don’t know. I think everyone just handles it differently. I mean there’s some part of me that’s going finally, this is it. My life is here, you know? I guess I need some time. I mean, isn’t that what helps I guess?”

I hope so, there are parts of me that still hang onto this. But this isn’t about me.

“Yeah, so can talking about it. You can talk to me about whatever you want, you know that.”

She sat up straight so she can look at me, “Why do we still care about this? What makes us not want to try anything again?”

I shrugged, trying to really be honest here, “I think there’s something I’d rather stick around for. I think that’s what love is. Giving someone life, being there when no one else can. You know?”

“Yeah, I think its worth it too.” She kisses me softly, touching my lips as she pulls away.