Jurney is so messy. I swear she takes that after her mother. I am tired of every night coming home and having to pick up a trail of pens, pencils, lip gloss, polish, tissue, socks, and any other girly item you can think of on the way to my bedroom.

I'm scared to yell at her though. Shit, I'm scared to talk to her half the time. I know the therapist said to try and not treat her like a fragile being but damn, she is my fucking daughter. I love her. I need her to be okay. I want her to be the happy, teenager she was before her mother died.

That sounds stupid doesn't it? I know it does but how can I express what has happened to my littler girl in the span of one year. She is completely different and not in a closed off way, she is different in a way I can't relate to. So that is where the therapist comes in. Desperate huh?

I reach down and pick up a pink bracelet with white beads from the floor on my way to the living room where I hear the TV coming from.

Even the house is different. Looking at the pictures of us on the tables is different. It feels cold in here. Stale and cold. Not sweet and warm like it used to. Not since Melonie died.

As I turn the corner and walk into the spacious living room, I can already see this is where Jurney took up residence tonight. I quietly smile to myself. Just like her mother. Papers everywhere, she writes little notes on papers and scribbles on anything she can get her hands on. Melonie used to do the same thing and it would drive me crazy finding little notes of scribbles. I can see she was sitting on the seal of the big bay window because she has her journal lying there. I start picking up her clutter to take it up to her room. Stickers, headbands, shoes, and many papers are all here in this room. You would think we never clean up here with the way she messes up. I walk over to the open window and shut it tightly. I pick up her book only to have it fall to the floor from me having too many things in my hand.

It fell open to the place where a pen was lodged in it. I reach down and pick it up only to stop at the first words on the page.

Hey Mom,

I stare at the page and my eyes flash to the top to see today's date. I have never read my daughters notes or scribbles before and I wouldn't think of it now but I can't stop my eyes from continuing down the page.

Tonight I'm mad. I'm mad at you and daddy. I'm mad at me for being this way. I hate that I can't be the same anymore. Why did you leave? Why would you go away from me and daddy?

You know daddy isn't the same anymore, he doesn't smile anymore. He looks older mommy, he looks hurt. Why would you do that to him? You promised us....we all promised mommy, we promised each other we would never hurt one another. Don't you remember, don't you remember on Christmas when we said that.

You broke that........you broke us. And I hate you.....

I hate that me and daddy don't talk. I hate that you aren't here when I need you. I need you to help me understand the person I am mommy....help me stop feeling like this.

Why aren't you here? Why can't you just come back and help me stop crying myself to sleep every night?

My eyes were welling up at the words and the dried tear stains on the page. Why couldn't she talk to me about this? We used to talk all the time, but now it's so damn hard to look at her without feeling pain. I'm a sad father. I hear a noise behind me and jerk my head to see Spots, the cat, running into the room straight for me. I slowly walk over to the couch, pick up the remote to turn off the TV, and take a seat. The cat jumping up into my lap only for me to push the fur ball away, I hate cats. Jurney brought that thing in here two days before Mel passed. She held that cat through the whole funeral.

I wish I could have one day with you mommy....no, I would take one more hour with you. I need your help; I need you to help me and daddy love each other again. I think he sees you when he looks at me and I know he hates it. I want to stop being mad at him for not taking better care of me when you.......left us.

Something is wrong with me Mommy. I need you to help me stop this thing that is forming inside of me. It's not good...I know its not. I met someone. And I think I like her.

Her... did you get that? I like a girl. I'm a nasty freak and I can't stop myself. Her name is Tia. She is so nice and pretty and sweet. She lets me cry on her shoulder and she spends the night here all the time.

Last night...I kissed her. She was sleep and I was just sitting up and looking at her. I couldn't help myself mommy. She woke up as soon as I did it. I felt disgusting. I knew she was going to scream and call me a gay freak but... she didn't. She just let me kiss her again. After that, I just stared at her and she smiled and closed her eyes and fell back asleep.

We didn't say anything about it today at school. I called her when I got home but I didn't know what to say so she just talked.

I am lost mommy. Tia says I am desperate for affection. She says that I need someone to hug and kiss me because I don't get that anymore. I think she is right.

That is why I need you here now mommy....Why can't you be here. I hate you...who is going to help me with this but you. Who is going to tell me that the way I feel for Tia is okay or help me stop. Who is going to help me figure out if I am gay or not?

Am I gay? I don't want to be gay. Daddy is going to die right along with you when he finds out his daughter is a lesbian. Justin Timberlake's daughter - GAY! That's what the tabloids are going to say. But... am I a lesbian? Does me kissing her make me like that? Do I just want someone to love me or do I really like her in that way? I'm confused and you are up there floating on a cloud not helping me. Some mother you turned out to be and some father he is. I am all alone and lost.

I just sat there. My mouth was hanging open and I was rereading the last few sentences over and over again.

"Daddy?" I slammed the book closed and turned to see Jurney standing in the doorway with a glass of water in her hand. She looked at me holding her book and I could see the instant pain on her face. She turned and started to run.

I got up and ran after her almost breaking my ass on the big puddle of water from the glass she dropped on her way. The glass didn't break surprisingly though.

"Jur...I - I'm sorry. Stop." She stopped on the top step.

"Please Jurney, I'm sorry". I was so scared. Scared of my own daughter. I couldn't stand to have her hating me more than she already did. She slowly turned around and looked at me with tears sliding down her face.

My heart was breaking for her because she looked as scared as I felt. We both didn't know what to do or say. I betrayed her and she knew that I knew what she was hiding. I started up the steps towards her. I stopped 3 steps from her.

"I couldn't help it, I'm sorry I read your thoughts baby." I told her. She just nodded. She looked embarrassed.

"I need you to help me Jurney. I need you to help me be a better daddy to you. Maybe we can help each other. You can help me be there for you and I can help you sort out whatever it is you need help with." Again she nodded. She started to say something but stopped.

"It's ok baby, you don't have to say anything yet. I love you no matter what, I promise." She started really crying and nodded turning around and walking into her room.

Hopefully this was the beginning of the healing.