Eleven days. That is how long it has been since daddy decided to take it upon himself to read my diary. Eleven days since daddy looked at me in disgust and scared me straight. Well I wish that was true. I don’t know. That night, I called Tia and told her I can’t be her friend anymore and then I cried when she begged me to tell her what happened. I just was scared.
Eleven days and now here I am walking down the street to meet daddy. Imagine my surprise when my father called me while I was in class and told me he wanted to have lunch with me. When I told him that I was in school, he told me to just leave and meet him at our spot. I laughed at him but here I am, walking down the street to this little café we used to go to all the time. Well, the three of us would go to when life was better. Me and mom named this café “anti-celebrity” because it’s not a place you would see the Hollywood types at. So no celebrity means, no valet parking hence the reason I had to park my Lexus down the street and am walking towards the café. That makes me sound very celebrity-child doesn’t it? I laugh at that thought. I am not the typical Hollywood stars’ kid. Most importantly, I’m 16 and confused with my sexuality. How do you like those apples?
I was watching some media show last night and they were talking about the best potential hookups of the year. Well they had me paired up with Sean Preston. That’s funny considering that I only met him twice at some dumb event his mom and my dad were both at. Don’t get me wrong, he is hot and all but, not my type. He doesn’t have that, uhh, feminine touch I am admitting to myself that I like. That’s right, I admit it, and I denied it for a long time and it made me even more depressed than I was already. I am almost sure I am a lesbian or bisexual at least. I just know I like girls, a lot. I take that back, I like Tia, a whole hell of a lot. I haven’t spoken to her on the phone since that night with daddy but we have been texting each other, I can’t help it. I miss talking to her. We aren’t together or anything but we are close.
Entering the café, I can already see it crowded with people but that’s expected with it being lunch hour and all. I scan the area to see daddy sitting in the back at a small round yellow table. Just looking around at this café brings back memories of laughs and jokes the threes of us use to share. The pale green walls, decorated with poster sized pictures of flowers that some of the customers took makes me smile. I look at the wall behind the cash register to see the picture me and mom took of a beautiful orchid still hanging there. For a minute I contemplate turning around and leaving this past behind me. I sigh and fidget with my gold bracelets I have on, I can do this. I can eat lunch with my daddy and feel comfortable right?
He’s looking at me, looking like he wants to change his mind already. I start towards him, I can do this, and I can talk to him after he made me feel like a disgusting person eleven days ago. We haven’t talked since that night, well I didn’t even talk that night. I have been telling myself we are both just busy, me with the ending month of school and him with his new artist he is producing. Who am I kidding, I can’t do this. I stop walking but a guy is trying to move past me so I make my way to the table fast, and sit. He manages a small smile at me and I smile back and look down at the table. This is a mistake, he shouldn’t have told me to come if he didn’t want me.
“Hi”, he’s looking at me hard. Like I changed before his eyes or something, maybe I did.
“Hey daddy”. Let’s get this over. I want this to be over. No, that’s a lie. I want this to be better. I want us to be happy again. I don’t want to make him not want me. I guess I’m frowning because he looks concerned.
“What’s wrong Jur?” I look at him and shake my head. I look around the café, look at the people smiling, laughing, talking. Listen to the clatter of plates and silverware. The cashier is ringing up someone at cash register, espresso machine is humming and scenting the room with hazelnut and vanilla smells. I used to love it here, used to come here all the time with mom when daddy was busy. It was part of our ‘anti-celebrity’ days. We would go shopping at cheap stores, like Old Navy and Target and buy random stuff and then we would come here and eat, then we would end the day at the $1 movie that showed old flicks that neither of us were interested in. It just was fun to get away from cameras and ‘oohs and ahhs’ when people saw us.
“Haven’t been here in a long time, it brings back memories”, I look at him. Challenge him to talk about it with me, let me know he thinks the same things I think.
“I know, I haven’t been here since… since she left” he whispers. I smile at him and shake my head in silent agreement.
“So, why did you want to have lunch today” I see I have to start this out because he wont.
“Hi, I’m your waitress today, my name is Tiffany, can I get you something to drink” I look up at the blonde girl, she interrupted me. We both go ahead and order lemonades and chicken club salad.
The café is getting quite loud now with a new wave of customers coming in and getting situated, loudly. The person behind me bumps my chair getting up and another across the room coughs loudly. I’m beginning to think this setting is not good for us to have this much needed conversation. I laugh, this is awkward.
“I’m sorry Jurney” he sighs. I just stare at him. He continues, “I didn’t know what to do. I was scared to hurt you because I didn’t know what I was thinking or feeling. I was shocked when I read your diary. I was shocked you felt like I didn’t love you baby. I do love you, you know that right?” I wasn’t expecting that, not that. I was waiting for him to say something about the other thing and I must look surprised because he is shaking his head and frowning.
“That other thing doesn’t matter… ok I take that back, I can’t say I’m not concerned about you thinking you are a lesbian and that’s just me being honest but that doesn’t change the fact that I love you more than life baby and I’m so sorry I made you feel like I wasn’t here for you and I wouldn’t talk or listen. I would really like to focus on us right now and not anything else. I would like us to start talking and stop tip toeing around each other at home. I admit, I do most of the tip toeing but… I know I’ve been a punk for a father but… shit, I was nervous. You seemed to change and I was hurting and…..” he just stopped and sighs.
When I said I can do this, I was lying. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes right now and I don’t want this to be this serious. I can’t handle serious right now.
“You’re not a punk daddy, more like a….bitch” I smile at him. He laughs, just what I want him to do.
“Watch your mouth”, he’s smiling at me. I smile back. It’s like we just broke through a bridge and a weight is lifted off of us. Not a huge weight but a small beginning weight and I can’t say I’m mad about it. Maybe different people need more words or longer explanations but I don’t, we don’t. We both get it, we know what we were going through, what we are still dealing with and we understand. I may be mature and independent for a 16 year old but I need my daddy. I want to be my daddy’s baby girl forever.
Our food arrives and we start eating in silence. And for once in months, it’s a comfortable silence, well for a minute.
“Excuse me, I saw you over here and I didn’t want to be rude and leave without saying hello… so hello Justin”, a tall lady in a suit is saying. Daddy looks up at her startled and then he smiles. It takes him a second to open his mouth.
“Olivia, wow, it’s nice to see you. This is my daughter, Jurny. Jur, this is a friend of mine”, he explains. I give her a half smile. She looks uncomfortable now, like she intruded, and she did.
“On my way back to the office, just stopped in for some coffee and a muffin but have a nice lunch Justin, I’ll see you soon”, she says quickly before waving and making her way towards the exit of the café.
“Who was that daddy?” I asked because I don’t like the ‘see you soon’ statement she made. I frown at the fact he is looking toward the exit.
“A friend of mine”, he says without looking at me and leaves it at that. He looks down at his watch and at me.
“Sorry baby but I have to be getting to the studio but I’ll see you at home tonight ok?” he smiles at me and I smile back, forgetting about Olivia for the moment. I miss that smile being for me. He flags our waitress over and orders a double espresso to go while paying for our food. We both get up and leave. Him going left, me going right. I make it back to my car and sit in the seat for a couple minutes with a smile on my face. Not a lot of words I’ve wanted, just enough to know that I still matter to him and he just showed and told me that. Maybe we can start to tackle some of the big weights we have left together.
I hope so.
