March 3rd

So Mom bought me this diary for my birthday and this is the first time I've opened it. She said I should document my experiences or some shit. Said it'd help song writing. Whatever. I don't even write shit down when I'm coming up with songs, why would I go read anything first? I'm not studying for a test.

March 8th

Only writing because Mom asked if I was. Don't see why she's got this new buzz for me keeping a journal - maybe she wants something she can sell in years to come? Ha ha, as if she would. Though I can think of a few people who might, so maybe if I am going to use this thing I should keep it safe.

Don't know what you're supposed to write in one of these things. Average day, got up, worked out with some of the guys from the tour, came to venue, did interviews and meet and greet and then performed. That's the tour routine, got it down to a science now. Sometimes I miss having Chris around to alleviate some boredom. He could always think of some crazy shit to kill an hour or two. That or we'd just drink beer and play poker. Good times. Maybe I should ask some of the techs if they feel like a hand or five.

March 10th

Wondering if maybe me and Trace should look into spreading William Rast to Europe a little harder. Everywhere I go I seem to see a lot of people in that style, we totally have a market. Then maybe I should think about opening another restaurant over here too because I hate French food.

March 12th

Had an interview today where the interviewer was asking after seven visits to such and such where were my favourite places in the town - I gave an overly sarcastic answer about how visiting places to tour doesn't mean I get to see them because I'm too damn busy being asked dumb questions by journalists. In hindsight, that might not have been the wisest thing to say.

Had a very subdued dinner with Trace and Luca, my sound tech. Trace always knows when I don't want to talk and Luca's just quiet anyway, tends to speak when he's spoken to. Sometimes, like tonight, I really appreciate that quality in a person. The show went fine, nothing went wrong or anything like that, and I pretty much just called Allie and went to sleep. I just kind of let her talk at me, but she's too smart not to notice when I'm grouchy. Wish she was back on the tour, having her visit for Valentine's was a pick me up.

March 17th

Awesome day, yesterday. The show went really well, I just heard that the album's gone platinum again back home and I'm almost definitely going to be in a movie with Robert De Niro. We hit a lot of bars celebrating. Half the crew are still drunk - good thing we don't have a show tonight.

March 18th

Horrible, gruelling day. Marty's choreographed this new routine for the next video and he gave me a day to learn and perfect it. For the video and quite possibly a TV show tomorrow too when my dancers have had three times as long as I have. A day. Well, I say he gave me a day, the people running my schedule and arranging my interviews did. He nearly killed my ass. I swear my feet are going to bleed for a week.

March 22nd

Don't know how I got through the last few days and my insanely over-packed schedule, and yet I'm still standing. Go me. Today was better, I got to have a good long talk with Allie and then my grandma, and then I went out with a bunch of the dancers. This city has some famous zoo (that I've never heard of in my entire life) and because I'm famous and shit, I got to cuddle a chimp and play with a baby tiger. Momma was glaring at me through the glass though, she made me supremely nervous, but the zookeeper guy said she's a mean old bitch so not to take it personally. Apparently she's less aggressive about the babies being taken if she can still see them. I said that was pointless, she can see they come back fine, and my mother just laughed and asked why I think she trailed my fourteen year old ass around Germany.

Had an amusing moment just now when I looked up and realised Luca's doing the same thing I am. He so looks like the type to keep a diary. The girls go crazy over him; they think he looks like some brooding Romantic poet. I have no idea why he hasn't seized the opportunity to get copiously laid. It's hilarious, I think girls scare him.

March 23rd

Me and Kevin and the band spent half the day trying to work out how I could fit a cover of You've Got A Secret Smile into the set as a surprise one night without totally cutting anything. We've already fallen foul of local byelaws in no less than five cities in three different countries by over running. Johnny gets less impressed every time it happens, because it usually costs us at least twenty grand. He's actually got my stage manager running a stop watch every night.

Waste of half a day, we had to scrap it. I don't think people realise how much effort it is to work out the logistics every time I make even small changes to the set. I have to do it, I want to keep the show fresh not just for the audience but for me, since I'm the one who has to perform the thing hundreds of times. But it's a royal pain in my ass. I was bitching about it to Allie earlier and she made a good suggestion about maybe cutting into the intermission or cutting some stuff into a medley for one night only. This is why she rocks, she has this way of looking at almost any problem you got and coming up with at least some plausible idea. I mean, I don't always like the suggestion, but she always manages to have one. I miss her.

Amusing moment when Eddie nearly repeated his fall off the end of the stage. It wouldn't have been funny if he'd hurt his wrist again because a second time I think he wouldn't get away with just a sprain, but the way he realised what was happening before it did and kind of scrambled his ass trying to stop it cracked the entire crew up. It was like one of those cartoon moments where the cat tries to dig his claws in and it doesn't work. I'm amazed Eddie didn't take half the stage up under his fingernails, and the way his legs were kicking… Dave the Roadie (his unofficial title) said the last time he'd seen that was in Amsterdam when he picked up a girl who was a screamer and nobody stopped laughing for like five straight minutes.

Guess my mother won, I practically wrote an essay today.

April 2nd

No time to write, too much promo. Exhausted. Considering career change. Wonder if McDonald's is hiring. Sitting on my ass in a drive-thru all day suddenly sounds appealing.

April 4th

Ah. Did something kind of stupid. Kind of made out with somebody who's not my girlfriend. I now understand what people mean when they say shit just kind of happens to them before they can take stock of what it is and that it's bad. We were having a little after party in my room, a few friends of various people were on the tour visiting and some girl, I think she was with one of the stage crew… yeah, okay, I don't even remember her name I was that drunk. It's no excuse, but I'd like to think that if I'd been sober I would have told her where to go. She just kind of pounced on me and I just kind of didn't stop her for about fifteen seconds before I remembered I have a girlfriend who probably wouldn't appreciate it.

Trace got that look on his face like I was a total idiot, Marty was shaking his head like he knew I was in shit, Luca looked mightily uncomfortable and Tony outright told me I'm a stupid bastard. The girls all just kind of glared. If you were there, it's not as bad as it sounds, it wasn't like any attempt at cheating or stealing somebody else's boyfriend was being made on either side. She was only doing it in a kind of joking way (hard to explain, followed some banter about how celebrities weren't as hot shit as made out to be), she wasn't actually hitting on me. It might as well have been Rob doing it for the lack of sexual intent, but I always say that if I wouldn't do it in front of Allie I shouldn't do it when she's not around either.

That obviously excludes any manly primping I might have to do, which she should NEVER see. I don't need to see her wax her legs and she doesn't need to see me… wait, I don't want that in documentary evidence. Maybe I shouldn't have put that little kissing episode into documentary evidence either.

April 6th

After two days of wrestling with this little moral dilemma, I've decided that the only thing that's going to happen if Allie hears about what happened is that she's going to get hurt and insecure and the whole thing will get blown out of proportion. It was a 'shouldn't have done that' moment the same way it is if she tells you not to attempt fixing her TV and you make it even more broke than it already was (I've done that too), but any way I tell it she WILL think I was cheating on her. If she'd been there and seen it, she'd have been mad but the idea that it was cheating wouldn't cross her mind. But when you re-tell it there's no way to make it sound as innocent but dumb as it was. Pretty much the only reason for me to tell Allie is to clear my own conscience and make me feel better for being honest or whatever - I'm not willing to hurt her to relieve myself of some well-earned guilt.

If somebody else tells her, I'll be honest about it and take any shit she wants to give me for not doing it myself. I ain't dumb enough to think nobody else could ever mention it.

April 10th

At my momma's advice (there's no shit I've done that I don't tell her) I've just put my head down and laid off the post-show partying for a while. It made me feel a little better when she understood my reasons for not telling Allie, I was kind of worried I was just being a bastard trying to cover my own back. On the bright side, I seem to have raised my game on stage what with all the concentrating.

April 14th

Went back to England for an awards show. It was a pretty crazy night, those Brits like their booze. Amy Winehouse looked a little coked up if you ask me, but maybe I'm just being an ass. Take That did a performance and it cracked me up remembering when *NSYNC started out and we were being told they were the band to live up to in Europe. They're pretty good, though, ten years or however long it is later that they're doing this reunion thing. Good thing they've retained their dignity and aren't still doing the boy band shit, they're just singing these days. Don't know how we'd be able to do It's Gonna Be Me in ten years when Chris is forty without looking like total idiots. Scratch that, 'prats.' I kept hearing that word being slurred a lot and I gather it's not a compliment. I like it! That and 'wanker.' British people have excellent swear words. Me and Nanci were yelling it at the top of our lungs in the limo on the way back and the driver kept looking at us in the rear view mirror like we were psychotic.

April 15th

Back in some European town I can't pronounce. It's so much easier to just ask Germany how they're feeling, I can actually say that word. I actually got an invitation to go tour some concentration camp because VE day is coming up, something about the new generation honouring the old one for their sacrifices, but I feigned being booked up. I will throw however much money they want at veteran charities (in fact, in my guilt I just signed over fifty grand in place of my presence) but the idea of going into some mass murder camp creeps me out too much.

April 18th

Hit another dull spot. Would love to go home. I've played every game I have and watched every DVD I have and I'm bored out of my damn skull. I'm almost desperate enough to pick up a book.

April 20th

I still can't help feeling shitty about Allie. I think I'm going to do the classic guilty man thing and send her a present. The guys were all useless when I asked for an idea, even Luca who's supposed to be Mr Sensitive or whatever. He gets pissy when we call him that. He got even pissier when Jake called him a fag, nearly slugged him. I had to chew him out for that - maybe Jake didn't read that issue of People, but one of my favourite people is gay and I won't have that word used on my tour whether or not Lance is here to hear it. I know he didn't mean it badly, but it's just not cool. Crack is whack. Anyway, I don't know why I didn't just ask the girls earlier because suddenly I had so many helpful suggestions I've got birthday, Christmas and Valentine's covered for the next ten years.

April 30th

Ten days and there's nothing out of the ordinary to report apart from a really disgusting outbreak of athlete's foot amongst my dancers. Thank God I don't share a dressing room. I'm still bored. Wish something interesting would happen.