AS I AM

Chapter 1

Lourdes Washington sat sullenly in a corner, ignoring the ray of sunshine peeking through the mini blinds that beckoned her to smile. She was truly sorry for her disposition on such a beautiful day, but frankly she couldn’t find much of anything at that particular moment to smile about. First off it was 6:40 a.m. a major problem all on its own. It didn’t matter if the sun peaked through the clouds, or if the sky reminded her of baby blue cotton candy. It was still damn early, too early for her to be reflecting on anything as bubbly as the weather outside when her thoughts were more interested in which course of action could be taken to change her circumstance. She had spent the better part of a month begging for another alternative, anything that would deter her from having to spend the next three months here with him. She even opted to voluntarily check herself into the nearest rehabilitation center, anywhere but here. It wasn’t like she was in denial, she knew she had a problem- hell who didn’t know she had a problem. It just wasn’t clear to her how being shipped 3,000 miles away to her father was going to change anything. Especially when her father happened to be the infamous...

" Where are your bags?!"he barked out the words as if it would adjust her attitude into something more like how he wanted it to be. He might be able to mold the stars, but it wouldn’t be until pigs fly, that Johnny Wright would have any hand in molding his own child. He hadn’t tried in the last 17 years, and it tickled Lourdes to think that he thought he had any shot in trying now. She barely acknowledged him with her grimace, before curling back into her chair, completely dismissing him from her attention. If he thought his booming voice would get a rise out of her, he was better off staying quiet. She was not moved, and not at all touched, by his attempt to rile her up. If he hadn’t figured by now, she was going to be one hell of a challenge. Lourdes was sure he’d be sending her packing in little less than 48 hours.

" If you wanna go with just the clothes on your back, that’s fine by me." His voice hadn’t changed, but for the slight annoyance he allowed to penetrate through his words, as he crossed over to her and grabbed her by the arm. Lourdes didn’t expect for him to be quite so strong, after all, he was pushing 50 and didn’t look like he was in the best shape to be pushing her around. However, his appearance said nothing of his strength, and moments later she was lifted from her fetal position and dangling in an awkward fashion beside him. He had moved her so fast, that her sloppy ponytail had shaken loose, causing her thick ebony curls to fall down her back. She winced in pain, but said nothing. It was her plan to remain silent for as long as humanely possible, and then if- and when- she decided to speak it would be as if they wished for her silence. She wanted to yell, she wanted to tell him that she didn’t want to go and that she’d be better off lying on some swollen cot in the back of an institution somewhere than to be there with him. Only, she didn’t say such things, because anger was one misleading emotion. People always misconstrue the power of anger, it never left the receiving party reflecting on what you said- but on what you didn’t say. She didn’t want to give him the least bit of chance in understanding her, and she damn sure didn’t want him to happen upon any open wounds. If he cared, even in the least, that’s just what he’d find if he ever took the time to listen. But he didn’t have to worry, she’d never take the time to talk. She had long since given up talking about shit several years ago, and couldn’t fathom the idea of even remotely trying while in his care.

" You can make this hard Lori..."

" Lourdes. My name is Lourdes Washington." she growled, hoping that she proved to remind him that even though he helped to give her life, he had nothing mush else to do with it. She had adopted her mother’s name. She used to think it was for her protection, but she had since let go of that fantasy and realized it was for HIS protection. She wondered how many other bastard children this man had around the world, hell her mother just couldn’t have been the first and she damn sure wasn’t the last. She never asked though, she never wanted to break her mother’s heart since Natasha Washington always held her father in such high regards. What a fool in love, Lourdes had always thought, vowing to never become so smitten. She wouldn’t ever give someone the chance to do that to her, no- she’d never see that day.

" Lourdes." he sighed, his eyes looking tired and his body sagging in defeat. She turned her eyes from him, not willing to see him for anything but the monster she made him out to be. He wouldn’t win her over with a feigned concerned expression. " I’m trying baby...I know you don’t think I am...but we BOTH need this." his voice was pleading with her, but he had a better chance coaxing a tiger into submission, if he was looking for some sort of empathy. She didn’t need him feeling sorry for her, and there was no way and hell she would feel sorry for him. What she DIDN’T need was to be there, and what he DID need was some half ass effort to make up for the past seventeen years of her life in three measly months. If he thought he was saving her, he was surely wrong. He was doing anything but.

" Whatever." she sighed, pulling her arm from him and adjusting the black tank that had inched its way over her belly button. She shook the leg of her cargo pants and drew her unruly curls back up into an even sloppier bun. She ignored the grieving look her father donned, and instead knelt down to grab her tote. She knew she had no say in whether she went or not, but if she could prolong the inevitable, she’d do everything she could.

" Are you ready to meet the guys?"

"What guys?" she sighed, unbeknownst to which GUYS her father referred to. Was it the several hundred that floated about outside amiss all the preparation for touring or the eighty or so she passed in the halls, on her way to this secluded room. She vaguely remembered him mentioning the group of guys he must be referring to by some collective name, but she was just as disinterested in that conversation as she was in pretty much all conversation between them. She didn’t follow his career, felt fortunate that he didn’t manage any punk/rock alternative artists, and couldn’t tell you anymore than the stories she knew about New Kids On The Block- which was his happening band around the time her mother met him. He rolled his eyes, shook his head, and sighed heavily.

" Can you at least try..."

" No." she shrugged, wishing that the damn guard men who followed her night and day since she first joined up with her father didn’t find her stash. She was at least banking on a few pick me up highs to get her through. Now she had hope for nothing. She just prayed she didn’t get the itch for something while being paraded like a side show freak to all her father’s coworkers’ and clients. She doubted they even knew he had a daughter, much less one that has an uncontrollable itch for the white powder.

" Lenny is going to show you to the cafeteria, the guys are in there, please don’t embarrass me. I’ll be there shortly." He eyed her curiously, as if doing a once over, and then frowned. " Are you...do you..." She watched him sweat under uncertainty, he was probably trying to think of the best way to approach the "problem"- he probably wanted to know if she was on, or if she had some. She didn’t offer any help, she rather liked watching him fluster. " Have you done anything?"

" I don’t know what you mean." her face showed no sign of emotion, which ticked her father off even more.

" Lori..."

" Lourdes."

" Listen, I’m not going to pretend to understand why your on that...why you...look. It’s not good for you. I know you think your doing pretty good this far, but I’ve been in this industry long enough to know that shit eats you up after awhile. While your hear, there will be none of that. Do you understand?" His voice had taken on several different extremes during the course of his speech, but finally settled on stern. Lourdes rolled her eyes, not even sure why he had taken the time to explain. They both knew Lenny, and whatever other bull dozer she’d have as a bodyguard would invade every since of privacy she had and that alone meant no high time. Furthermore, this was suppose to be her ‘rehab’- the point of her being here was to take her out of her troubled environment and keep her grounded and clean in this one. She understood that she was here to help herself, but that also meant she wasn’t here to embarrass him. Whether he said so or not.

"Got it." she sighed, moving to follow behind Lenny, to be escorted down the hall and into the cafeteria to meet her father’s pride and joy.

He was fuming mad. He knew Lance had watched him eye that last blueberry muffin for well over 15 minutes. If he knew any better, he’d think that the blonde haired fool just grabbed it to piss him off even more. The boy probably didn’t even like blueberries, Justin Timberlake concluded while evilly eyeing his band mate Lance Bass- who sat directly across from him, smiling as he bit into the muffin.

" Damn you." Justin spewed, causing Joey Fatone and his brother Steve, seated beside him, to laugh. It wasn’t all that funny, Justin grimaced to himself, talking a hearty gulp of orange juice. He was just thinking of how sinfully tasteful that would have been had he been able to wash down the moist blueberry muffin with the fresh glass of orange juice he had just gotten for that purpose. Drinking now, he barely got the satisfaction that was suppose to be intended from it.

" You are such a brat." Lance spoke while stuffing the last crumb of the muffin into his mouth. Justin ignored him and silently hoped he choked on it. It would serve him right, he thought angrily, hoping that Allison- the cook- would whip up another batch. He looked over towards the serving table and just knew that the likelihood of that happening was slim to none.

" Why don’t you have a Bran muffin?" Joey teased, closing his mouth over a spoonful of raisin bran. Justin threw up in his mouth, wondering how it came to be that the hearty italian fell in love with "Bran" food, it was a far cry from pasta and sauce. He certainly didn’t LOOK like he ate "Bran" food.

" I’d rather eat shit for breakfast."

" Really?" Chris asked, taking a seat next to Steve, and dropping his plate off food onto the table. Justin didn’t even acknowledge him, instead he finished the entirety of his cup and reached for his glass of milk.

" I think he just said that ‘cuz he’s mad." Lance smiled, and winked towards Justin. It was too early in the morning to even respond so Justin opted to sit back and reflect in his own thoughts. He cursed himself for deciding to do so, since his thoughts were running rampant with the anticipation of touring well under way. They had exactly a week left before life as they knew it would begin, back on the road. It had been awhile since their last promotional tour, especially with all the drama surrounding Lou Pearlman and their inevitable switch to Jive Records. That, however, wasn’t the only aspect of Justin’s life that was in constant array. Then there was his "love life", and his PR agents breathing down his back. For the life of him, he just couldn’t understand why HIS love life- out of all the members of’NSYNC- was the one that received the most public scrutiny. Hell he was just barely 21, why the hell was that half of America wanted to see him settled down with their pop princess, and the other half despised him for it. Even more, why did anyone give two shits? He asked himself that question day and night. He loved his fans, and appreciated them for everything they had given him, but he did not think that allotted them the right to control his love life. And Britney Spears?! She was a sweet girl, really, truly, she was the best. Only, that didn’t mean Justin wanted her. Yet, that was never an issue that was addressed, or even acknowledged, when Johnny and Craig- Britney’s PR Agent- drew up the contracts that would result in the coming together of two of America’s biggest icons. When it was put into terms such as " Career breaking decision" if Justin opted against the plan, what other choice did he have but to oblige. Johnny had even gone so far as to mention the effect it would have on Justin’s future solo career, which would be heavily boosted with the now new set of fans that loved " Justin and Britney". It all sounded nice, but gotdamn!

" Can you please pass the salt." Justin was interrupted from his thoughts, a fortunate distraction- since they were headed no where pleasant, by Chris’ obtrusive high pitched voice. Looking at the spoonful of eggs that was now left on Chris’ plate, Justin wondered why the man needed any. He watched as Chris proceeded to pour the remaining contents of the half full salt shaker onto the tiny mountain of eggs. His stomach turned, and he almost cried when Chris began to eat them.

" Does anyone know who that girl is walking behind Johnny...?" Everyone followed Lance’s eyes to their approaching manager and the young woman walking beside him. She looked oblivious to her surroundings, her eyes sweeping past the group of them and then onto another part of the cafeteria. She looked angry, very much uncomfortable, but not star struck. Just who in the hell was she?

" Joey...what is this, baby momma number two?!" Chris exclaimed, and the whole table- excluding Joey- laughed. It caught the attention of the girl again, her honey brown eyes now boring into his, as she continued moving forward. He was taken aback by her outright stare, once again shocked to find that she wasn’t breaking towards them in the all too familiar fashion of a die hard fan. From the skeptical look she gave them, it was like she didn’t even know them.

" Damn she’s hot." Joey and Steve spoke in unison, and Justin gave her a once over. She had a nice body, her curves cleverly concealed under oversized cargo pants and a regular black tank. Her hair was a wild mess, with curls flying left to right, bouncing with every step she took. He had to give it to her, she was pretty damn sexy, even for 7:30 in the morning.

" In that case...she’s about to be baby’s momma number two!" Chris laughed just as the pair approached. Everyone bit back their laughter, as they stared expectantly towards their manager- awaiting him to introduce what they all assumed to be another fan.

" Good morning guys." Johnny sighed, his usually easy going demeanor far far away from the now hesitant stance he exhibited. Justin’s eyes lifted with intrigue as he exchanged looks with Lance- the muffin now all but forgotten.

" And?....." Chris encouraged, waiting for the introduction.

" This...this is Lori..."

" Lourdes." The girl spoke, of course cutting off Johnny, and returned each lingering stare. Justin, having met thousands of girls before, had yet to meet one that could stare them each in the eye without so much of a blink. She didn’t even appear to recognize any of them, which intrigued Justin even more. Surely she lived under a rock, if she didn’t know them. He wasn’t smug, just real. How often did he ever come across someone, even in Thailand, that didn’t know him.

" You look like a Lourdes." Chris smiled, nodding in agreement to his own remark. She smiled, briefly, and then returned back to her no nonesense expression.

" Is she a dancer..because if so...I would like to trade in Ann for her." Joey raised his hand, to grab Johnny’s attention, as if someone else was on the verge of saying the same thing. This time she didn’t laugh and just rolled her eyes, which somehow caused Justin to smile. She was different, and Justin was one of the very few that didn’t hate what he didn’t understand.

" You would be the one." Lance sighed, shaking his head, and dabbing at his mouth with a napkin. Justin adjusted himself in his chair, and decided that while she may be intriguing, he had other things to try and work through this morning- like how and the hell he was going to deal with the whole Brintey situation- and so quickly withdrew himself from the conversation.

He had begun playing with his toast, ignoring the arrival of his manager and the mystery girl, oblivious to the conversation at hand. He only tuned back in, when he thought he mistakenly overheard Johnny say that she was his daughter.

" Excuse me?" Justin leaned forward, his eyes squinting in confusion as he looked from the beautiful girl to his manager. She was Johnny’s what?

" Daughter. I’m his daughter." she didn’t seem to like him very much, in fact it was apparent that she didn’t by the way she rolled her eyes and dismissed him. What a bitch, Justin thought, now looking at her- finding his eye lingering a little to long in the area of her abdomen where her tank inched up.

" Wow." Chris breathed while Lance wore his shock on his face. Justin watched as Lourdes read their expressions, and couldn’t tell if she looked annoyed or angry. Finally, she dropped her hands to her side and exchanged a look with her father before turning and heading to another table. Justin took note that she sat in the table farthest in the corner, before turning back to his previous thoughts and completely dismissing her altogether.