As I Am

Chapter 3

" Your not going." Johnny didn’t even raise his head from the paperwork he was engrossed in as he offered his answer. Lourdes just stared at him through glass eyes, her disdain hidden just beneath. What exactly did he have for her to do, that she couldn’t go to the barbeque. There was hardly anyone left in the studio and it was Saturday afternoon for goodness sake. She’d been there everyday, all day for the past two and half weeks. She was tired of staring at the same four walls having damn near memorized the golden plaques that lined the hallways. She knew the exact date and single of each artist who ever went platinum under the supervision of Johnny Wright. Aside from JC and the guys, she talked to noone, and now that they were heading out she wanted to go with him.

" I wasn’t asking you. I was telling you." Which was true. She only came by to tell him that she’d be taking her driver to Justin’s and that was where she would be if he , by chance, decided to go looking for her. She didn’t need his permission, she had yet to even establish him as an authoritative figure in her life.

" And I’m TELLING you no." he spoke as if his words were final, like she had no choice in the matter. She didn’t want to get mad, as far as he would be concerned- she was void of all emotion. But she didn’t find it fair, why couldn’t she go.

" It’s just a cook out. Not an orgie, I’m so tired of this gotdamn studio!" she raised her voice, but not to the height that she would have likened to. He finally raised his eyes to meet hers, they were cold as ice and even less enthused by her attitude.

"You watch your language when your talking to me. Now if your bored, go to the mall."

" The mall?! Why when I was invited to a cookout." She couldn’t understand why he was so against her going to hang out with them. He’d observed her talking with them several times during the past few weeks, why was he all of a sudden acting like a prick when he had no problem before.

" Because the last thing I need is for your face to be across the fucking Tribune linked with any one of them. They would rip you apart." The moistness that crept into her eyes wasn’t a result of her fear of the tabloids, but her understanding of him not wanting the world to know about her. He could say it was because she’d be slaughtered because of any connection to the men of ‘NSYNC, but she always believed it was what a person didn’t say that truly mattered.

" You’re an asshole." she whimpered, her voice cracking with emotion, as she turned out to leave. She ignored her call out to him and hoped that Lenny didn’t take notice to her sudden departure. She found him leaned against the wall, towards the opposite end of the hall, talking on a cell phone. She slipped out the side exit, and hoped that at least one of the guys were still in the parking lot so that they could give her a ride. She doubted her father would catch on, for he wouldn’t even think to go looking after her. He had his work.

Justin pulled his S.U.V. into the parking lot of Wright Studios, and cursed himself for having left his cell phone in the recording booth. He double parked and hopped out to retrieve the device, hoping that he’d be lucky enough to slip by unnoticed. He was already late to his own barbeque, and the sooner he got there, the sooner he could relax and unwind. He wondered how much of that he’d be able to do, since he knew that Britney planned on being there and he would some how be coaxed into discussing their "arrangement". He hadn’t planned a diversion, but knew that something had to be done to interfere, because that was just a conversation he was not looking forward to having. As long as time would allow, he would avoid it. Like he avoided most things. His mind was just about to take an unnecessary trip when he noticed Lourdes slipping out the side of the building. He allowed his eyes to scan over her frame and ignored the pull he felt in his stomach. She wore a simple graphic tee and low rise fringe top jeans. He could see the imprint of a thong on either side of her jeans. His mouth moistened at the sight of her, and he adjusted his shades hoping that Armani came through and shielded his eyes. She didn’t notice him, as she was scanning the parking lot, until he pulled open the door to his S.U.V.

" Hey....Justin, wait." he heard the hesitation in her voice, and thought it would be overly rude to climb into the car. The least he could do was stop and see what she wanted. She jogged over to him, her thick curls blowing in the wind, while her supple breast bounced with every step. He tore his eyes from the obvious and instead focused on her hesitant expression. She was beautiful, painstakingly beautiful. " Can I get a ride with you?" he knew enough to know that Johnny had set her up with her own driver, so why was she needing a ride.

" Where’s your driver?" he sounded rude, but he was really just curious. She frowned at his response and rolled her eyes, obviously regretting asking him in the first place.

" Well do you have Joshua’s number?" Justin just looked at her, his face blank. He wasn’t sure why it bothered him so much, but he didn’t like the idea of JC and Lourdes. He had enough on his mind to ever venture into why. When he made no gesture to give it, she sighed heavily in frustration. " Look, if you don’t want me to go just say it!" This time he couldn’t control the smile that spread across his face, she looked damn sexy when she got mad. It didn’t matter that she was angry with him, it mattered that his palms started to sweat at just the sight of her angry with him.

" I don’t want you to go." he was being rude, but hell he was being honest. He figured he’d have enough stressors attending his party to just add her on the list. He knew, whether he understood it or not, that he’d catch himself watching her all night and grow frustrated when everytime he caught her she would be with JC.

" You’re an ass." she wanted to be angry, but in the same respect- Justin could tell- she wanted to go. He imagined she was bored with the studio and even more bored with her confinement. He felt sorry for her, he did, but he would never admit it. He could tell there was something more going on in the inside of her, he couldn’t figure what- but he knew it was something. No one damn nears scratches their skin off and blame in on sun burn.

" I’ve heard worse."

" Look, I’m desperate." her eyes pleaded with him, and if only she knew the effect she was having on him she would just jump right in the passenger seat. But she didn’t, and he had his shades on.

" What did you tell Lenny?" he figured she didn’t even think to tell her body guard anything, seeing as though he was nowhere in sight. Justin had been hip to the missing in action game for quite some time, and knew that you had to pay off the guard or your ass was caught.

" I..nothing. My father won’t let me go." she sighed and she looked so adorable, it weakened Justin though he didn’t want it to. He figured Johnny wouldn’t want her around them in public, and for some reason he knew it had much more to do with something else besides the tabloids. He watched her face cloud over in defeat and was thankful that she stood several feet away from him.

" Get in the car." he instructed, unlocking the passenger door and turning to head back into the building. She didn’t say a word as she watched him disappear into the studio, and reappear several minutes later. He only glanced towards her as he stepped into the driver side and started the car. Lourdes noticed Lenny and her driver leaving as Justin pulled his S.U.V. out of the parking lot. She was surprised that he was able to do whatever he did to get them to leave like that, now she knew she definitely didn’t have to worry about her father crashing in on her.

" What did you do?" She couldn’t stop herself from asking, just like she couldn’t stop herself from staring at his profile. He was so sexy and sultry that she almost couldn’t stand to watch him. It was like every move he made caused a deliberate trigger of sensation to run through her body. He was smoldering, and in very much a good way. Lourdes could understand why he was the favorite of the group. He was looking a little rustic, allowing his five o clock after shadow to take over. His hair had decreased in height and color and now looked more natural and subtle on top of his head. She couldn’t see his eyes, even if he was looking at her, because he kept them cleverly hidden behind shades. She thought to herself how she should probably invest in some, she needed to be a little more discrete when it came to him.

" I told him you’d be with me and to say otherwise." his answers were always so simple, so blatant. He was nothing like how she saw him on tv. He seemed like he was always smiling, always joking, but in reality he seemed much more reserved. She wondered if it was just around her, or was he like that with everyone. She ignored the way her heart jumped when he said she was with him, she knew he didn’t mean it in that possessive way, but it sounded good.

" I’ll have to remember that." she sighed, wishing her heart would fall back to its normal pace. Her reaction to him was strange, and very much uncontrollable. She didn’t like the effect he had on her.

" Yea." he said very few words, which was hard to believe since it appeared that he was always deep in thought. She wondered what he thought about, and why she thought about it so much. What was going on with him, more importantly what was going on with her? Not only did she not understand him, but she didn’t understand why she was so concerned. The only inclination that he ever gave her that he even knew she existed happened about a week ago, and it wasn’t a memorable experience. It only reminded her of her itch, and she did all she could to not bring her thoughts to that. She already had enough on her plate, thinking about her itch that couldn’t be soothed only added to it.

" How’s your arm?" like always, he didn’t deviate from his usual disinterested self, so his question completely caught her off guard. He was still staring straight ahead, as if he never even asked the question, which made Lourdes think twice before answering.

" It went away." she lied, she knew it was only in remission, and that the itch would be back soon enough to haunt her causing her once again to attack her flesh. She subconsciously moved her hand over the sensitive area, it was still red but not as badly bruised when he first saw it. She thought it odd that he even noticed, most people never did- or at least never said anything.

" It still looks like its there." She looked at him, her eyes squinting in confusion. Exactly how did he know that, when he never bothered to look at her. How could he notice something as unnoticeable as her forearm when it never appeared that he payed any attention to her.

" It’s healing."

" It’s been a week." he finally glanced over at her, when he brought his S.U.V. to a traffic light. His eyes didn’t stay long, as they instantly moved to something else just passed her. She didn’t bother to sigh, she was used to him dismissing her. She also ignored his prodding, frankly it was none of his business and the fact that she never really decided on how to explain her condition to anyone didn’t help in the matter. She looked out the window and noticed the beautiful houses that began to line the street, obviously they were near his home, since they had long since left the buys streets and were now riding through a residential area in town. She appreciated the silence, when before it used to unsettle her. She wasn’t ready to talk about her arm, or her itch, with anyone- let alone Justin. Lourdes couldn’t even believe that the one person who payed absolutely no attention to her would be the one to notice something when everyone else never mentioned it. Maybe he was just weird like that. He did spend all day to himself, it seemed, so why wouldn’t he pay attention to minute details. She recognized Chris’ car first when they pulled onto another street that had been filled with cars, the house that appeared before her was unlike any she’d seen on the drive to it. It was huge, spectacular and looked to take up the entire block all on its own. She could hear the music emerging from the backyard, even with Justin’s windows up. There must have been at least 300 people, for they were coming in and out of the house, surrounding the cars and the grassy knoll around the house. She was speechless, she recognized some but didn’t know most. She was sure the night would be unlike any other she spent in Orlando thus far.

" You comin’ in?" she didn’t even realize the car was parked, or that Justin had stepped out of it, so entranced was she by her surroundings. She stumbled out of the car and ignored the half smile that played off his lips.

" This is your house?" she cooed, amazed at the size of it. It was bigger than her father’s house. She didn’t even bother to look over towards Justin, who she was sure wouldn’t provide an answer- whether the question was rhetorical or not. She was beginning to accept his indifference towards her. Instantly she could see the crowd began to move towards her and Justin, her eyes began to grow since she had no idea what to do next. She was frozen in place even before Justin placed his hand on the small of her back and pushed her forward against the crowd. She followed his lead and was amazed at how the crowd parted as he pushed her through them. It seemed like several people were calling to him all at once, and she didn’t dare turn to him to see his reaction, instead she just moved forward and focused on not concentrating on the heat that came off of his touch. When they made it to inside of his house, the crowd seemed to grow much larger. This time his hand came around her waist and he guided her through the masses towards the terrace. Lourdes watched as Justin vaguely acknowledged the people coming up to him, and wondered how he managed to get them back outside so quickly. Once on the terrace, she noticed it was less of a crowd and realized that she recognized many of its occupants. In the far corner she saw JC, Lance and another man, who had similar features to Justin, leaning against the balcony. As soon as JC met eyes with her, she realized Justin dropped his hold on her and disappeared to the other side of the room. It didn’t take her long to recover from the absence of him, though it took her a moment, before she made her way over to JC.

" I was beginning to think you changed your mind." he smiled down at her, pulling her into a light kiss, before turning to introduce her to the man beside him. " Hey Ave..this is her. Lourdes Washington." From the approving look that he gave her, Lourdes could tell she was the topic of conversation at one point between them.

" You know it’s not fair." Chris sighed, although from the look in his eye she could tell he was playing. " Between you and J...yall take all the GOOD ones." Lourdes laughed at his feigned pouting and moved to place a flirtatious kiss on his cheek. The man named Avery laughed with JC as Chris blushed beet red.

" You all right there old man?" Joey asked walking up to Chris, a half empty beer and another unopened one filled his hands. Lourdes couldn’t remember a time when she didn’t see Joey without one hand wrapped around a half finished beer and another one ready to be started. He was the posterman for a ‘Good Time’.

" Lourdes got him blushing." JC teased, pulling Lourdes back into him so that her body now rested against his. Lourdes cocked an eye towards Joey, then glanced down at the beer. Joey laughed as he took a swig of his own, and then handed her the unopened one.

" Hey aren’t you a minor?" Lance, who was sitting at the table in front of them, called out to her.

" I’ll never tell." Lourdes winked and popped the top to the beer and took a nice long swig. She didn’t realize they had all settled there laughing and decided to watch her partake in her drink, until she brought her head back down and met eyes with them. From the look they all gave her, she could tell they were enjoying her drinking, more than she was.

" Perverts." she smirked, shaking her head. They all looked at each other and agreed, before laughing and settling into light conversation. Lourdes was only half paying attention to the conversation around her, for she found herself more interested in the scene around her. She noticed the A-List celebrities floating through the party, not caring to name them since she never payed much attention to them otherwise. Many of the woman- some famous, and many not- had made it a point to meet eyes with her so as to wrinkle their nose in a fashion to display their disdain. She laughed most of them off, not caring who they were and what they thought. If they thought she looked ridiculous, she wondered how they felt standing around in lingerie and stilettos trying to grab the guys attention. As her eyes moved about the crowd, she noticed Justin sitting near the door on a chaise lounge, talking to a stacked blonde girl. The way his smile played off his lips and the sensual way the girl moved towards him, convinced Lourdes that he had been offering more than just conversation. She was intrigued to see how he acted around others, especially females, since he did not act that way at all with her. She found that she began comparing herself to the blonde bombeshell who held Justin’s attention in the cattiest of ways. For instance, she noticed that the blondes nose was slightly larger than should have been while her nose was perfectly symmetrical with her face. Or how often the blonde seemed to be pushing up her chest, when her own sat perfectly swelled in the most perkiest of fashion. What was so interesting about the girl that had Justin lowering his eyes, smiling, and licking his lips? It didn’t dawn on her that perhaps she should- once again- try and be discreet with her interest, afterall she was across the room and it wasn’t likely that anyone would notice. Everyone seemed to be preoccupied with getting someone else’s attention, and besides she was just looking. She was about to turn, growing unsettled with the way he seemed to keep licking his lips and touching the girls thigh, when she noticed the strangest thing. His eyes seemed to have glossed over with a look of satisfaction and a hint of unnerving passion that sent juices flowing in her most secret places, she noticed this because they were looking at her.

"You ok?" she felt JC’s hands move to her stomach and it was then that she realized she gasped. Swallowing hard, she assured that she was and returned back to the conversation at hand. She didn’t dare look over in his direction, not at the risk of meeting with his eyes again.