As I Am

Chapter 5

He should have left twenty-nine minutes ago, four minutes before he even walked through the door to partake in this ridiculous fiasco. He shouldn’t have even pulled into Wright Studio’s parking lot, he shouldn’t have even wasted his gas.

" So if you’d just sign right here." Justin would have liked to just slam the shit out of Craig Polmeroy’s head into the table at which they sat. His eyes instantly went to Britney’s, she sat directly across from him smiling hesitantly. He hadn’t seen her in months since the beginning of her promotional tour, and that was only in passing. He looked at her, wondering how her publicist and Johnny expected him to pull a relationship out of his ass. He didn’t have any strong feeling for her, hell he barely even tolerated her. She wasn’t his first choice in companionship by far. Justin couldn’t even remember the last conversation they had. Now they wanted him to walk around as if her shit smelled like roses and he drank her bath water every night. How and the hell was he supposed to do that?

" This is serious?" it was a rhetorical question on his part, since it was very evident that everyone seated around the table held the same serious expression. He had prolonged the inevitable by at least three days, and still it did nothing to sway anyone away from going through with this. Not even Britney.

" Brit..come on, you can’t want this. You deserve someone who is really gonna love you." Justin started to plead with her, taking her hand into his and hoping that she’d stop fading out of reality and at least say something in her own defense. Instead, she just smiled absently and shrugged, her eyes never revealing any type of raw emotion.

" Let’s just see where this goes." her voice was monotone, her expression even more dry. Justin wanted to smack some sense into her, was she that far gone that she couldn’t see he had no interest in her whatsoever.

" This is a contract to make me love you." he spat, his face twisted into disgust, hoping that even then she might realize what she was getting into. He didn’t mean to appear so ruthless, but he’d been easy going up until this point. If they were going to force his hand on this, he’d loose this battle with a fight.

" Don’t be so dramatic Justin. It’s a contract that will boost your career." Craig sighed. He exchanged a look with Johnny, and then turned towards Britney.

" Honey, you can sign first." Craig pushed the papers over to her, and Justin watched in dismay as she scribbled her signature on the dotted line. She didn’t even blink once as she did so. How could she want this? Once she finished, her glassy eyes looked up to meet Justin’s and she pushed the contract towards him. A pitiful smile spread across her face, and Justin’s heart broke at the sight of her. The girl that sat across from him was no longer the bubbly face pre teen he once made fun of because she used to write his name on notebooks with little hearts surrounding it. She was no longer the developed teen who hit the scene with such a force that it took two years before any other new female solo act could break any mold. She sat before him, a manufactured product of her public relations team, a lost soul. He vowed he would never let the industry eat him up that way and spit him out, which was why he was so against this "union".

" Think of it as a marriage of success." Johnny coaxed, his voice low and soothing, " Your both guaranteed to win, and your only doing this for the fans. You can still have your own lives- they’ll just have to be lived discreetly." he pushed the pen towards Justin, his words never faltering. " You’ll just need to take extra precaution, which is a necessary step for any celebrity. You need this Justin. Your solo career needs this." Justin’s heart sank as he listened to the words. He didn’t even want to think about his solo career, it only reminded him that ‘NSYNC wouldn’t last forever. He couldn’t even imagine how the guys would feel if they knew he and Johnny had been working so hard behind close doors to prepare for his solo debut. Johnny was even letting him take the complete lead on one of their singles for the next album, something that had never happened before. He didn’t want to think of the consequences that would soon follow when ‘NSYNC finally fell apart. " Go ahead son, sign your name." Justin closed his eyes, and sucked back his breath. He felt like he was signing the devil’s contract with his own blood. He pushed the paper away from him, when he finished, and stood up to leave the room. He wanted a way out, but knew he had already signed his way in.

Lance stood patiently behind Joey in line at the breakfast bar, hoping the heavy Italian would just give up on trying to scoop up a clump of raisins with every spoonful of dry raisin bran he dished into his empty bowl. He wanted to tell the man that advertising is just a minute long bull shit sales ad and that if he wanted that many raisins, he was better off buying a box and dumping it on top of his cereal. However, Lance was a patient man, and instead he just watched and suffered.

" Why don’t you have a little cereal with your raisins." Chris sighed from behind Lance, clearly irritated by Joey’s shenanigans. Lourdes chuckled from behind Chris, rolling her eyes at the three men in front of her. She wondered where Justin was, not that it really mattered since it was likely that he’d be in a bad mood and sulking anyway. The week was winding down, and on Sunday they’d be leaving for the second promotional tour. She frowned when she thought about how lonely she would be when they left, and even more how much she would miss JC. She glanced back towards the table and smiled at the way their eyes met, he was already looking at her. She winked playfully, then turned back to the three men before her. She was really going to miss them. The thought crossed her mind to go with them, but she knew without even having to ask that the answer would be a surefire no. She could just imagine the hernia her father would develop just picturing her spread across the front page linked to one of them in some crazy fashion. No sooner than that would America realize Johnny Wright had an illegitimate daughter, and that would not happen as long as Johnny could control it.

" Look what the wind blew in." Lance smirked shaking his head in the direction of a brooding Justin. Without so much as a head nod, Lourdes watched, as Justin made his way through the dining area. He went directly to his seat, mumbled a few words to JC, then leaned back in his chair and started bobbing his head to whatever music blared through the headhpones of his I-pod. Lourdes rolled her eyes, unsure of why his attitude still bothered her, when she was sure she had gotten over the fact that he acted like such an ass.

" I don’t know. I think something might be wrong." Lourdes looked at Chris like he had lost his mind, either they had been immune to his bad mood up until this point or another Justin must have dwelled before she came to town. For as far as she was concerned, this was normal behavior for him 24/7.

" Yeah. He has been pretty angry as of late." Lance agreed and Lourdes could have laughed herself to sleep. Obviously as of late must have started the day she arrived, and if not he was taking this temporary attitude for quite a stretch. She walked away before she caught herself saying something out of line. Obviously he hadn’t ever been as cold to them as he seemed to always be with her. She couldn’t reflect her own sour feelings onto them, just because they happened to just be noticing Justin’s constant bad attitude. Walking towards her table, she tried to avoid the obvious hand wave JC was giving her.

" Lourdes!" it was easy to pretend not to have seen him flagging her down, but it would have been impossible to act like she didn’t hear him call her name out. Reluctantly, she turn towards him hoping that maybe the seat beside him and across from Justin wasn’t the only seat available. She was disappointed to find that it was, and begrudgingly took her seat beside JC. She tried not to look at him, in fact she went out of her way to focus on a random spot on the table, but she couldn’t stop her eyes from finding their way to him. She tried to reason with herself that it was only natural that she happen to look at him, since he was the only thing sitting directly in front of her. It wasn’t that she wanted to look at him, she just happened to. She wasn’t surprised to see that he was still bouncing his head to his own music, what was surprising was that once again his gaze was locked into hers. She was barely able swallow the spoonful of eggs she was so aimlessly chewing, which called for her to take a swallow of her juice. She cleared her throat and began eating again, hoping that when she decided to once again look at him he wouldn’t be returning the favor. She waited a good thirty seconds before attempting again to catch a glimpse, and sure enough his eyes were set to meet hers. She could tell from all the chattering surrounding her that noone else had payed any attention to Justin, and therefore didn’t realize they were going back and forth in what seemed to be a staring game. It bothered her that she could be so drawn into him at times when he had the least welcoming attitude. Nothing about him was inviting, and yet she seemed to always want a way in. It unsettled her, made her question her true motives every time she happened to catch a glimpse of him from across the room. Was she looking for him, or did he just happen to be in her eye shot?

" Are you going to eat the rest of those?" Lourdes was thankful for the diversion Chris provided, and happily handed him her plate.

" Aren’t you suppose to be watching your diet?" Lance laughed, pushing his half eaten plate away from him.

" Don’t you have a hair appointment or something?" Lourdes eyed the platinum blonde spiky strands Chris was referring to and stifled a laugh as she continued to pick at her remaining food. Her appetite was suddenly lost, and she could feel the familiar sting settle in her forearm. She began wiping her nose, and scratching her skin, anything to postpone the onset of another attack. She hated when it snuck up on her while in good company. She could handle it when she was alone, at least then she didn’t have to worry about the turned up faces or disapproving glares. She felt the need arising within her, flowing through her veins like it belonged. She closed her eyes and breathed in sharply, she needed to find control.

" Your not so funny Kirkpatrick." she heard the conversation continuing around her, but her mind was anywhere but there. She needed to get out of the room, get out of sight, before she completely embarrassed herself. She excused herself swiftly and headed toward the exit claiming to attend the restroom. She was better off heading home, and decided as much once outside the cafeteria doors. Without a moments hesitation, she started towards the lobby area where she last saw Lenny. She need to get home, and she needed to get there fast.

Justin moved swiftly down the hall where he was told she was last seen headed towards. He didn’t know what he expected to find, but only hoped that he would find her. His instinct had told him that she was lying and had no way intended to go to the bathroom. It wasn’t until he found himself already in hot pursuit of her, that he even began to consider if it was a good idea or not. Maybe she wanted to left alone, maybe he was assuming the worst. But it was something about the look that spread across her face that told him otherwise. He had been watching her, a little more than he should, and noticed that there was something lying just beneath the surface. She smiled, although not as often, and she laughed, although not as loud, but it was something off about everything she did- like it was something behind it all. He didn’t know why he cared, and he was sure it was sure it was none of his business, but something about her caught his eye and it was more than her beautiful face.

" Hey...Yo, Lenny." Justin jogged up to her body guard who was seated in an oversized chair in the lobby. He looked bored and very much disgruntled, which was not out of the ordinary for the large man. Justin quickly scanned the lobby, and saw no sign of her. Wherever she had gone, she had wasted no time getting there.

" Wassup?" Lenny grunted, looking all the more unenthused as he stared up towards Justin.

" Have you seen Lourdes?" Justin saw the way Lenny’s eye lifted in curiosity before he spoke.

" She rushed outta here just now, she said she needed to go home." Justin started towards the door without thinking, he was in his car a moment later speeding down Eisenhower Blvd towards Johnny’s mansion.

The house was quiet, too quiet, as Lourdes made her way up the stairs. Her body had long since been taken over, and the beads of sweat that covered her body threatened to blind her as her eyes watched the stairs she climbed. She felt weak, and very much out of sorts, and all she could think about was how much better she would feel if she could just take one hit. If she could just feel the familiar rush through her veins, the settling calm that took over her body, the feeling that would wash away the distress she felt now. She climbed the stairs slowly, thankful that none of the maidservants were walking about. She needed complete privacy, especially since none of them were aware of her condition which would make their witnessing pf her attack even more damaging to Johnny. By the time she reached her room, her skin felt like it was on fire. She rushed to the bathroom, scurried to the four head shower and submersed herself in the cool water. She didn’t realize she was still fully clothed, seated against the shower walls until she heard him standing above her.

" Lourdes!" he was screaming her name, that much was obvious, but she could barely hear his voice. The panic that flushed over her, caused her to choke in spasms from the mere sight of him. What was Justin doing here, she thought, attempting to stand and cover herself. It was then that she felt the soaked material of her t-shirt, and the heaviness of her wet jeans pulling her down. Within moments, she felt herself being lifted out of the shower and cradled in his arms. He rushed her to her bed, where towels were already laid, and placed her upon them. Startled by the sudden contrast of climate, she began to shiver uncontrollably against his frame. He was rocking her slowly, holding her to him as he hummed a soft tune. She swore she was dreaming, and that he was not there. For only in her dreams would Justin Timberlake be cradling her, humming a soft and warm tune to soothe her. The Justin Timberlake she knew brooded all the time, and damn near burnt her with fiery gazes that caused her heart to flicker more often than she wanted it to. Surely this person could not be one in the same. She allowed her eyes to close, and her breathing to soften, while she drifted off into a peaceful sleep. Was it possible that he was there, was her last thought remaining as she drifted away.