As I Am

Chapter 6

Her breathing had finally returned to normal, which produced a sigh from his lips. Justin was growing frantic with the way her chest heaved up and down as she laid in his arms. Partly because he was worried sick for her and secondly because the thin material of her shirt did nothing to conceal the form of her beautiful peaked breast. He wasn’t prepared to walk in and find her fully clothed and passed out in a cold shower. In fact, he wasn’t prepared for anything. He himself had no idea why he decided to go after her, when he was the last person that needed to be here a time like this. He didn’t have to ask where Johnny was, because as always he was seated behind his desk at his studio, which was a wonder to Justin since it was obvious something was wrong with Lourdes. Even from just watching he from a distance, Justin could tell everything was not all that it seemed with her. Was he that into her, or was everyone else just blind? How could no one else noticed the subtle way she always touched her arm, or the way she dug into her skin with nails that she could usually be seen biting. Maybe he watched her too much, and that’s how he noticed. Just like earlier, when she sat across from him avoiding his eyes, she looked anxious. She looked frantic and very much unsettled. Yet she smiled, she laughed, she even ate a little- but he noticed the sudden change. She went from looking reserved to completely restrained. Her movements were no longer subtle, and she damn near ran out of the cafeteria. Was he the only one to notice? One look around told him that he was, which is why it encouraged him even more to go after her. He had damn near caused three accidents in his pursuit of her, having made his way to Johnny’s house in record timing. Her driver was just locking the door to the house, when Justin rushed up to him. The look in his eye told Justin all he needed to know, and instead of questioning how he could lock Lourdes up in a house all by herself when something was obviously wrong took the back seat to him rushing in and finding her. When he did she was seated on the floor of her shower, her eyes closed, underneath the spray of cold water. It was freezing, and Justin wasted no time pulling her out. Now she lay in his arms, on her bed, finally breathing normally. He looked over her body and new that he had to remove her clothes, if there was going to be any chance of her recovering. He swallowed hard, hoping that his unwanted desire for her remained hidden so that he could complete the task without damn near ejaculating. He moved her limp body further into the bed and rose to stand above her. She looked beautiful, despite the thick clumps of drying hair that clung to her body and the lines of black mascara that ran down her face. He took her sandals off, breathing heavily as he realized that the remainder would be a much more complicated feat. He decided that her jeans would be first. He hoped that maybe she would have some ugly underwear on with a gawd awful patter that would distract him from what they covered, but he should have known better. The tug of her jeans revealed the sexiest pair of pink lace panties he had ever seen in his life. They were sheer, with lace outlining, that made the hairs of her vagina look smooth and well groomed. His mouth moistened at the sight of her flesh and the smoothness of it as he slid the soaked panties off of her. He cleared his throat and began to concentrate, he couldn’t continue if he didn’t focus. The most important thing was that he got her out of her wet clothes, he could deal with everything else later. Now focused, her began to remove her shirt, taking his time so as to not wake her. He brought her body up, so that her chest leaned into his, and unbuttoned the strap of her bra. Sliding the wet material off of her, he held his breath as he felt the soft skin of her breast rest against him. It took all he had not to lay her down and partake in the plushness of them, so instead he brought the covers up to her and wrapped the sheet tightly against her. He moved away from her, his hands now shaking, while his heart beat angrily against his chest. He couldn’t believe that he had to undress her and even more that he had been able to. Every thought in his mind centered around her, the way her flesh felt against him, the way her body looked- every angle, every curve, every crevice. He took a seat far away from her, looking to control himself. His every intent forcing him to look away from her as he waited for her to awake. He didn’t know what just happened, and he couldn’t even imagine what was about to. He just knew that he couldn’t leave her alone, so he just waited.

The blaring sound of a cell phone pierced through her serene oasis and drew her from her sleeping solitude. She sat up, searching for the culprit of her interruption and saw that it laid in his lap. Justin was sitting across the room asleep, his head leaned against the cushion of her high wicker chair. He seemed oblivious to the annoying ring, with his mouth parted- in the sexiest of fashions- as he breathed in and out slowly. He looked so peaceful, the most relaxed she’d ever seen him in the past three weeks, nothing like the person who looked like they even cursed in their sleep. She was about to grab the device, when she realized- as the sheet fell to her waist- that she was completely naked. Her eyes grew large as she searched the room for an explanation. Why was Justin sleep, fully clothed in her chair inside her room, and why was she completely naked on the bed? What had happened? She pulled the cover back up and gathered them around her body , and walked to the bathroom. She didn’t realize she had made such a fuss until she saw his image reflect off of the bathroom mirror where she stood examining her surroundings. She lifted her eyes from the towel covered floor to his, the confusion evident within them.

" I found you fully dressed in there." Justin was pointing to the shower, his eyes never moving from her own. They stared at each other in silence through the mirror, as Lourdes began to remember the onset of an attack earlier that morning. She closed her eyes, when the pieces started to fall into place and she remembered how she fell into the cold shower trying to do away with the burn on her skin. Embarrassment sprang into her cheeks and she lowered her head, of all the people to find her like this. Why did it have to be him?

" How...why are you here?" she didn’t know if she really wanted that answer. She asked all the same, it was the least she could muster with all the uncertain feelings arising within her.

" What happened?" it was like his eyes intended to undress her, even more than they obviously had. She tried to turn away, but she couldn’t. Looking at the floor wouldn’t make him disappear, and certainly wouldn’t make her forget he was standing right behind her. It wasn’t the fact that she was standing in only a sheet in front of him, it was obvious it had seen much more of her, and that thought alone sent unexpected shivers through her body.

" Nothing." His eyes lowered in disbelief, like he was challenging her to pretend that he couldn’t see all that had happened. Biting her lip, she averted her eyes and focused on the counter before her. What exactly did he want her to say? That she was a crazy loon who had a problem with always wanting a fix. That she was sent here because it was either here or an institution, where she had opted to go because she’d rather be there and accepted by people who cared to help her than here with the one person who didn’t care enough to try.

" Why are you crying?" she didn’t realize the tears had fallen, and she couldn’t move away from him or his hands that pulled her towards him. His voice was smooth, much softer now, soothing her woes as he held her. She tried to push away from him, but he was stronger than her. His force, not even in the physical sense, was stronger than her. It was another level of comfort that she had never experienced before, and it scared her. Here it was, the only person she couldn’t stand was holding her and filling her with an unknown desire that threatened to take over her tears. Suddenly she found herself wanting to feel the hands that soothed her cries caress her forbidden places. She wanted the mouth that spoke softly, to press itself against her own. She wanted to taste and touch him, feel him over her, within her. She gasped, her body hardly willing to control itself, when he held her even tighter. She let the tears run down her face, onto his shirt, while her body ached on the inside for him. She didn’t understand all that was going on inside her, but she didn’t fight it either. When his hand moved to cup her chin and lift her face towards him, she reached up and placed her lips against his. For a moment, he hesitated, and then his mouth filled hers as his tongue dipped into her warmth, deepening their kiss. A soft moan escaped her lips and her hands moved around his neck, into his hair, lifting her up further so that his mouth covered hers completely. His hands moved to her waist, paused, and then moved further down when she pressed even more against him, until the cupped the bottom of her hips and pulled her up until her legs wrapped around his torso. The sheet had gathered at the top of her thighs, barely covering the nature of her. He carried them to her bed, sitting down so that she now straddled him. He pulled away from their kiss, his eyes searching hers before he made any other move. She could tell he was just as confused by their actions and didn’t know what- if anything- they should do next. She should have told him to stop, but that wouldn’t have been what she wanted to do. She lowered her eyes, taking the folds of the sheet, and began unwrapping it from her body. His breathing grew heavier as he watched her, his hands shaking on either side of her hips.

" Wait." his voice was quivering, his eyes pained, as he held the cover that threatened to expose her to him. Lourdes watched as several emotions passed over his face, restraint being the least of them. " I can’t do this." She sighed against him, already knowing that he said it for other reasons than his desire for her. She could feel him beneath her, to know that his restraint had nothing to do with her. " I do want this." His eyes burned with a passion that seemed so rare for him, but so right between them. He looked so undone, so raw, so unlike any look he had given her before, that it scared her to believe it was him. Where had all this come from? But then she thought of the way she felt whenever she saw him enter a room. Beneath the misunderstanding, greater than the dislike, it was desire. Desire to have him talk to her the way she saw him talk to other women when she wasn’t looking, the desire to have him touch her, even look at her. And when he did, it was that passion nestled inside of both of them that neither could understand. That passion that kept them at a distance, and that same passion that held them here.

" Why did you come Justin?" Maybe he understood more than she did. Maybe he could explain what was going on between them.

" I couldn’t stop myself." he spoke like he didn’t even understand it himself, like it scared him just as much as it scared her. It was the truth, Justin didn’t know why he was there, couldn’t explain the need he had for her. He just knew it was there.

"I want this too." she whispered, afraid that even admitting it would somehow change the way they felt. She knew it was impossible, and it was damned unlikely. She didn’t belong with him and he would never belong to her. Her father would never allow it. JC would never understand. She looked at him and reasoned that maybe it was just the excitement of the entire situation that had her falling into his kiss and going beside herself with his touch. Had it been anyone else she awoke up to find, they’d be in the same position. She had to trust herself in this, afterall it had happened before. She closed her eyes and suppressed the memories that dared to resurface. She moved away from his lap, away from his touch, her body quivering from the absence of them. She ignored the questioning in his eyes, and tried to forget the confession from his lips. They were just being caught up in the moment, and the most he could possibly feel for her was sorrow. He was probably sorry for her and in his need to try and help her- which was a character trait she never saw coming with him- he just happened to confuse it with passion. Besides, she had JC and it would crush him to ever imagine Justin and her like this.

" Lourdes, talk to me. What is going on?"

" Don’t." he was moving towards her, but she needed him as far away as possible. She didn’t want his understanding or his kisses, she had JC and she’d settle for what she did know and understand before she would trust the unknown. " This was a mistake. Could you please just go."

" If you want me to say I’m sorry for what just happened I am..but..." she cut him off by turning her back to him and walking into the bathroom. She shut the door and prayed that when she opened it, he would be gone. She didn’t need to hear any explanation, she didn’t want to hear him say another word. It didn’t matter that she was afraid it might break her stance, or that it might reveal something she deep down already knew- it mattered that it wouldn’t work. It mattered that no matter how right it felt, it was so wrong on too many levels. She couldn’t afford what if’s, she needed as much stability as she could possibly find. JC was that stability. He was strong, he cared, and his moods didn’t change with the wind. With him she was going to find healing, and she’d give up all she had just to have that.