As I Am

Chapter 7

The days left until they began their promotional tour couldn’t have gone by any slower. Justin could have sworn it had been a week in passing since the day before, and he still had two more days to suffer through. He thought about escaping to Tennessee, dropping in on his grandparents, and hiding out in the finished basement where he could stuff his face with home baked cookies and rid himself of all his problems. If only he could.

" I don’t know if YOU noticed or anything, but you’ve been a real ass lately." Justin was going to ignore Trace, but that would only prove to drive his point even further. He was in a despicable mood, and it wasn’t over any one particular problem. It was over an array of them. The first of the many appeared across the muted television, Justin had chosen to stare at for the last hour. Britney Spears’ face beamed back at him, her perfect smile, showing her perfect teeth which only added to the perfect air about her. Justin grimaced when not long after, he saw his picture come across screen, then the two of them together with a cheesy heart bumping across the screen. It was official, Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears had become America’s favorite couple overnight- literally.

" Oh wow, look at you two, you shouldn’t be so in love." Trace teased from behind Justin, where he sat nursing a bowl of pecan flavored ice cream. Justin, who usually didn’t get annoyed by such things, sighed with aggravation towards Trace’s comment and the consistent sound of pecans falling back into an emptying bowl. It seemed like all of a sudden, it bothered Justin that Trace refused to buy any other ice cream where he wouldn’t spit the damn featured attraction out. It was insane for anyone to claim they loved pecan ice cream, but hated pecans! And it was now, at this precise moment, that Justin chose to dwell- to the point of anger- over it. It couldn’t have been that he was pissed about Britney and even more pissed about Lourdes.

" Why don’t you just buy fucking vanilla?!" he knew he sounded about as crazy as he was sure Trace was looking at him. Vanilla ice cream had nothing to do with anything, and it was the silence that followed that reassured Justin they both knew that. Choosing to ignore the follow up chuckle from Trace, Justin squinted his eyes in anger when the vision of Lourdes appeared before him. She was standing, just like she had been in her room those days before, but this time her sheet was gone and he was able to let his eyes run the length of her supple body. He shifted in discomfort when he felt his nature rise, and cursed no one in particular, when it did nothing to sedate him.

"Your crazy." Trace offered, still sitting behind him, still spitting out pecans.

" And your nuts." It would have been funny, since he mentioned nuts and Trace hated them, but yet always ate variations of them, but he wasn’t in the mood for laughter- and not even the sound of yet another pecan crashing into an empty bowl could sway him. Usually he would be amused by Trace, but usually he wasn’t always thinking about Lourdes and the crazy feeling she drummed up inside of him. Usually the vision of her beautiful naked body didn’t haunt him.

" I hate nuts." Trace smirked, finally finishing his bowl of ice cream and discarding it on the table at which he sat. He looked at his friend, or rather stared at the back of his head, and wondered what had suddenly come over Justin. He usually had a mild temperament, but nothing like what he’d been displaying these past couple of weeks. Trace wondered if it was the up and coming promotional tour, but new Justin long enough to know that the boy hardly ever got antsy about touring- he loved it. So was it his love life? It was a shock to Trace when he was introduced to the idea of Britney and Justin as a couple. When the hell had all that taken place, was his initial reaction, and why the hell hadn’t he been told before was his second. Perhaps that was what had his friends panties in a bunch, and for that Trace could perfectly understand. Britney Spears was annoying as all hell.

" I hate the fact that you buy pecan ice cream and spit out pecans, or even that you buy crunchy peanut butter, but pick out the peanuts! Why?! Why can’t you just leave the nuts alone!" Trace’s eyes grew wide, as he suppressed any attempt of laughter by biting down hard on his lips. He waited, until he heard Justin sigh, before he released a fraction of a chuckle. He knew the man was heated, as to the reason why- he didn’t have a clue. But one other thing he learned about Justin, was when he wasn’t in the mood- like he wasn’t right now- laughing would only cause greater problems. So Trace stifled his laughter, he was already tired from his daily workout in their home gym, he didn’t need an ass whopping.

" I’m sorry man." Justin muttered, still never turning around. He wasn’t going to give Trace the satisfaction of seeing his disgruntled countenance, when he knew the stumpy kid was two shy hairs away from laughing hysterically. Justin was sure he appeared funny, but it didn’t mean he’d appreciate the laughter.

" It’s ok." He could tell Trace was having a hard time not laughing, so wasn’t surprised to hear him move to leave shortly after. The least he could do was go into another part of the house and crack up, which was exactly what he did. Justin pretended that he stumbled across something incredibly hilarious, even though he knew the man’s tirade was solely because of him. He could have his laughs, Justin thought finally shutting off the television- for it seemed like every new headline concerned him and his ‘beloved’- and storming out to his car. He had to get out of his house, there was no mercy there.

" So I called Justin, and he didn’t answer, so I called his house and Trace said he was having a hissy fit." Chris informed plopping down on the couch next to Lourdes and Lance. They were all in the lounge of the studio, trying to decide on the events of the evening since it was one of the last that Lourdes would be spending with them before they went on tour. She hoped no one noticed her sigh of relief, when they announced that Justin was unlikely to be tagging along. She didn’t need to see him, in fact she didn’t ever need to see him again. Lourdes had successfully avoided all contact with him, since that day in her room, by hiding out at her father’s mansion. She was finally kidnapped by Chris, Lance and JC when they went to Johnny’s house looking for answers concerning her disappearance. She was relieved to see them, since it had been even before the end of the first hour of confinement that she grew tired of her surroundings. She longed to be at the studio, snuggled up on one of the plush couches listening to them rehearse, or dodging water balloons and pillows whenever the need to act like fools arose. In the past month she had developed a special bond with each member, and it wasn’t until that last bond was made with Justin, that she finally decided to seclude herself. She wasn’t suppose to have bonded with Justin, they had a tolerate-tolerate relationship, where it was understood that they shared the same indifference to one another. They weren’t suppose to be engaged in deep conversation, and they definitely weren’t suppose to be swallowing each other’s throats with a passion so intense it burned her to even think of it. NO, he was suppose to stay to himself and she was suppose to barely acknowledge him. That’s how it was suppose to work. Before, she could watch him at her own discretion and wonder about him in the privacy of her own world- without anyone taking notice. He might have caught her a few odd times, but never enough for him to think anything of it or for her to feel guilty. Now, she was afraid that even a glimpse of him would drench her undergarments and leave her shaking with relentless desire. Everything about how she reacted to him and his touch was wrong, and wrong was one thing she was too good at. She needed right, and JC was enough right for her. She didn’t need Justin, which was why she called herself relieved to know that he wasn’t coming. She could make it two more days without him, and then he’d be gone, and at least she wouldn’t have to worry about suffering through any pained sightings of him.

"The man of the hour!" Lourdes closed her eyes and sucked in her last breath, when she heard Chris’ gleeful announcement of his arrival. She didn’t want to turn around to see him, she could already feel his presence. She could smell his scent, weaving in and out of her nose, taking her back to that day when his hands were all over her body and his mouth was against hers.

" Earth to Justin." Lance smiled, waving his hand in the front of a spaced out Justin. Lance exchanged looks with JC, who was seated on the couch next to Lourdes as well, and shrugged his shoulder in response to the glassy look that fell over Justin.

" You alright bro?" JC asked, and Lourdes wish she had the power to make herself invisible. She just wanted to crawl into any hole and dwell there until Justin at least left the universe.

" Yea..yea." His voice sounded shaky to her, and it made her stomach fall and her heart jump. She couldn’t turn around, not if he was sounding like that, and not if it would be obvious to her that he was taken aback because of her. She’d rather sit there and pretend that he wasn’t even there, at least with her back to him she could try and do so.

" You must have gotten my 10 messages." Chris smiled, standing up to throw an arm around Justin’s shoulders. Justin had no idea what Chris was talking about, he saw that the man had called enough times to fill his call list, but he didn’t realize he had left a message after each one. Justin had completely muted his phone in hopes of being left alone, the only reason he was at the studio was to get away from his crazy thoughts by laying some tracks down in the recording booth. He was trying to forget about Lourdes, he damn sure didn’t mean to see her. He wasn’t ready, and the way his body refused to function properly was plain sight of that.

" No. I didn’t."

" Either case, we’re glad you’re here. We wanted to take Lourdes out for the night, since we’ll be gone for like the next 168 nights." Chris explained, completely ignoring the frosty tone Justin gave off. Lourdes couldn’t miss it though, he said three words and he might as well have just spit them out. She was still sitting on the couch refusing to look at him, she figured he would just pass up the offer and continue about his business.

" Why do you know that Chris?" Lance was amused, but Chris was determined. He wanted to go out and have a good time, and if Joey could schedule around his daughter- Justin could drop whatever he had to do and come along as well.

" I’ve got plans." Justin stated simply, moving to walk off, but Chris stopped him .

" With who Brit?" The way Chris raised his eyebrow, Justin knew he was another one of the many that found the relationship a complete joke. IF only you knew, Justin thought, his eyes moving to Lourdes. He was beginning to get annoyed with her for not turning around, the least she could do was acknowledge him, since they did share an intimate moment. Just because it didn’t make sense, doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen.

" Nah...I’ll be with her later." He watched for a reaction, and sure enough Lourdes shuffled in her seat, a clear indication that she was listening and didn’t quite appreciate his answer. Justin smirked, and turned back to Chris.

" Alright...so you can spend the rest of the evening with us, and regret that decision later." The rest of the group laughed, all but Lourdes. Her back seemed to grow rigid, if it was possible for her to be any more tense, and it made Justin’s mood sour even more. Satisfied, Chris beamed and grabbed Justin’s phone from his hand to call Joey.

" Does anyone have any idea where Daddy Day Care is?"

Justin didn’t want to go anymore the moment he saw her stand and turn to fully face him. His eyes only passed over her once, very briefly, but in that time he could see that the low rise jeans hugged her hips perfectly and her halter cloth top molded to her breast like a second skin. Her hair fell full around her shoulders, and for a moment Justin remembered how it felt as it slipped in between his fingers that day when she was seated on his lap...

"Damn you look good." He could here JC breath those words against her cheek, as he moved in to kiss her. Justin tried to ignore the bile in his throat, but it threatened to push through with Jc’s next husky comment. " Maybe we should let them go" Justin’s eyes couldn’t help but fall back on Lourdes, he wanted to see her reaction. She lowered her eyes from him, the blush forming on her cheeks doing nothing to calm him. In fact it enraged him, and he couldn’t understand why. She wasn’t his, and she never had been. Just because he kissed her, didn’t give him a claim on her, so why did it make him sick to see another man- his friend- touching her?

" Okay..and could someone set these two hot bodies up with a hotel by the end of the night." Chris was on a roll, and while everyone laughed, Justin grimaced. He’d be damned if he saw them to a hotel that night.

" Yea right, so Johnny could kill us." Lance laughed walking towards the door, smiling towards JC and Lourdes.

" Your worth it." JC shrugged, placing a soft kiss on her lips. Justin rolled his eyes, so that the heat from them would fall elsewhere. He didn’t need to be staring them down the way that he was, what he needed was out of that lobby. He moved quickly to the door beside Lance, hoping to make it to his car before Chris had another epiphany.

" Yo J...good thinking. We can take your car and mine. That’s enough room." Justin sighed inwardly, he could just guess who would be in his car.

" First of all... we’re not taking that punchbuggy.." JC interrupted walking out of the studios and to his own car. " Secondly, I have to get dress." Which was true, Justin observed, JC definitely had on a pair of sweats.

" Okay..good call...I thought you were going for that I’m rich but I love my Hanes sportswear look." Chris teased, moving further into the parking lot. Justin watched as Lourdes walked out of the studio, laughter falling from her lips. She was gorgeous.

" Okay..so since we are trying to go out..Lourdes your with J..we can’t have JC taking advantage of you at his house..." While Chris explained the driving arrangements, Justin tuned him out since all he could focus on was the astounded look Lourdes possessed. They both exchanged looks, for the first time that night, and his heart folded within him. He watched her bite her lip in hesitation, before she quietly walked to his passenger side door. It took Justin a minute to come to, before he unlocked the door and climbed on the inside. There was complete silence as they made their way out of the parking lot, neither of them willing to speak first. It wasn’t until the sound of Justin’s cell phone blaring through the thick air, that finally broke the tension.

" Chris?"

" What the hell are you doing? Why didn’t you take the exit?!" Justin sighed when he realized that neither of the cars he was supposed to be following were around him. He wasn’t paying attention when Chris spoke earlier, and he then realized that he wasn’t even paying attention as he was driving.

" I’m sorry, I’m out of it." Justin apologized turning the car around so that he could take the last exit. It was decided, since Justin failed to follow directions, that they would all meet up over Justin’s house since it was closest to downtown. Pulling over, Justin looked over towards Lourdes, she was looking out of the window with her hand rubbing her forearm. He had seen her do this several times before, only this time was a more calm, more soothing rub.

" So where are we going?" She spoke, but didn’t look at him, instead she just kept staring out of her window. They were pulled inside a mini mart’s parking lot, the car still on, his decision not yet made. He wasn’t sure taking her to his home was a good idea, he wasn’t sure what he should do next. It was obvious that they didn’t want to be alone with each other, and it was still unclear to him if it was because they didn’t want to or they shouldn’t.

" The guys want to meet up at my house...but we could just drive around until their ready." He waited for a response, whatever she wanted to do, he would willingly oblige.

" What do you think?" The question was loaded, Justin could tell, and when he looked at her he could feel his insides warming. Her mouth was slightly parted, and her hazel eyes looked at him expectantly. He had no idea what she wanted him to say, there was only one thing he could think to say, and that would only prove to make the tension even more unbearable.

" I think it’s up to you." His eyes couldn’t hide his want even if he tried, and the fact that she was looking at him with the same indecision that played throughout his head, only made him want her more. She bit her lip, lowered her eyes, tucked a strand behind her ear, every move causing the ache for her to increase inside him.

"You want to go?" he was prodding, he knew she wanted to, but at the same time, he knew she didn’t. He had to ask her though, he was hoping the glint in her eye that held his would push her to go. If it meant that he could just taste her lips for a moment, he would violate every traffic law to get them there.

" Yea." She didn’t have to say another word before his foot was on the gas and his car shrieked off the pavement.