As I Am

Chapter 8

His mouth was on hers the moment they made it through the door. Lourdes felt the sigh leave her body even before she heard it, as his lips moved from her own to the crevice of her neck. She moaned, beside herself, as the sensation of his tongue moved over her warm skin. He tasted better than the last time, felt stronger than the last time, and she couldn’t stop the moans that escaped her lips every time he touched her. It was wrong, it was wrong to want his hands around her waist, lifting her up as he was pushing her against the frame of the door. Her arm slid from around his neck to in between them, as she pulled him closer. The way his body pinned her against the wall sent a wave of desire to gush through the thin material of her panties. She gasped in response, leaning her head back, wanting to feel his mouth all over her. As if he could read her thoughts, his hand moved to the string of her halter, and released it, so that the material fell to the floor. His mouth instantly covered her erect nipple, while his hand held tightly to the other.

" Just..." she couldn’t get his name out, the moans took over, and had her at a lost for words. Her body shook with desire, so much so that he had to stop, just so he could see that she was okay.

" Damn." he smiled, his lips barely an inch away from her own. Lourdes looked up into his smiling eyes and leaned in to recapture his lips with her own. Justin groaned as he moved her to the couch in the living room right off the foyer. He waited until she finished their kiss before he laid her down on the couch before him. Her body was half bare, with her jeans still hugging the curves of her hips. Following his eyes, she began to unbutton her jeans, and moved them past her simple black bikini cut thongs, down her thick thighs and finally to the floor beneath her. Justin’s breathing increased to a rapid intake, as he watched her maneuver out of them. He took in every detail of her body, her soft skin, her luscious curves, even the soft hairs that peaked out as she slid her panties all the way off. Justin pulled his shirt over his head and watched as she leaned forward and unbuttoned his jeans, the look in her eyes was unmistakable. She wanted him as much as he wanted her. Her eyes widened at the sight of him, his manhood standing erect, throbbing for her. Justin smiled knowingly, and leaned down to kiss her. His lips fell over hers, taking control of their kiss so that the moans that escaped her fell into his mouth. He spread her legs open, and positioned himself so that the head of him grazed her warm moistness. He had barely moved and she was already shivering at his touch. His eyes searched hers, just to be sure that she was willing, and from the corner of his eye he saw a streaming line of red.

" Justin please.." but he was focusing on the blood that fell from her forearm and unto the pillow of his couch His body begged him to overlook it, but his mind told him to stop. Pulling back, Justin took hold of her arm and examined the gash. Nestled in the crevice of her forearm, was a broken scab that looked painful to touch, though she had yet to acknowledge it.

" Lourdes." Justin breathed, his eyes turning back to her, and finding the horror in them when she realized then that she was bleeding. Pulling himself up, Justin pulled up his pants, not allowing himself the time to buckle them as he scooped her up and took her into the kitchen. He was thankful that Trace and Avery had decided to go to the movies that evening and prayed that no one would walk in on him nursing Lourdes’ arm as she sat naked on his counter. His eyes met her haunted gaze, as he grabbed a fresh towel from the drawer and wrapped it around her arm. She looked away from him, her body beginning to shiver, hoping her silence would sway him from inquiry. He looked at her, through eyes of concern, before he left the kitchen and returned with his shirt. He instructed her to lift her arms as he slid the material over her, then immediately raised the sleeve to continue nursing her wound. She was thankful for his silence, and had almost thought she succeeded in dissuading him from questioning, but she had thought to soon.

" Lourdes, what’s going on?" The anger in his voice couldn’t be mistaken, but neither could the concern and fear. She didn’t know how it was that she found herself, at the mercy of him- and couldn’t explain why she had the eerie feeling of comfort surrounding her. Lourdes closed her eyes, not from embarrassment, but from unbelief. She couldn’t believe she was about to give herself to Justin, she couldn’t believe that he was now nursing her arm without having indulged in his own desire, and she couldn’t believe that she didn’t feel as exposed as she clearly was.

" Ouch." she winced, when he began to apply the rubbing alcohol he must have found when he left the room.

" What the hell is this?" He was standing in front of her, his chest still bare, and all she could do was stare at him, afraid of what she would say next. Would she tell him the truth, would he believe her if she lied? She closed her eyes and shook her head, she wasn’t ready to deal with this. It wasn’t suppose to be like this, he wasn’t suppose to be the one. " Lourdes, talk to me." his hand was under her chin, pulling her to face him. The concern for her overshadowed the desire that still nestled beneath. Looking into his eyes, it was like she had known him more than anyone else and that he had known her. Like the past three weeks weren’t spent avoiding each other, but rather knowing each other. They barely spoke, how could this be?

" I can’t Justin." a tear fell down her cheek, her strength leaving her as her sobs began to fall uncontrollably from her eyes. Instantly her arms were around her, soothing and comforting her, while she cried into his shoulder. He didn’t even flinch when her hot tears hit dripped onto his skin, didn’t even move to clean them as they ran down his bare chest. He just held her, waiting for her body to relax against him. Justin kissed her softly against her neck, not at all like how he had moments before, but a more gentle kiss that settled her soul. Lourdes sighed against him, allowing the gentle feeling to calm her, and accepting the beautiful kisses he placed along her neck. He moved his lips to her forehead, his hands holding onto her sides, hugging her to his body.

"You can trust me." he was looking into her eyes, warming her heart all the same. She didn’t doubt that she could, and that was what scared her. Even with the time spent, and the laughs shared with Lance, Chris and Joey and even the sweet kisses given by JC, Lourdes never felt moved to introduce them into her world. Not like she did whenever Justin was around, looking at her the way he did, opening her against her will. It was like he saw something in her that no one else ever seemed to notice, and it frightened her but excited her all at the same time. " You know what, you don’t even have to tell me. I just want to know that your alright." his words were kind, they were more than kind, they were real. She laughed a little on the inside about how not alright she was. She was the daughter of a man that didn’t even know her. She was suppose to be getting herself together, but somehow managed to end up on Justin Timberlake’s kitchen counter, naked, and bleeding, when she was suppose to be with JC. There was nothing alright about her. Just then she realized the guys would be there any second, and there she sat in Justin’s shirt completely naked otherwise.

" I have to get dressed." She hopped off the counter and found her way back into the living room. The memory of her undressing while under Justin’s watchful eyes stumbled her movements. She tried to forget those eyes, but there was no avail.

" Really Lourdes, your just gonna go out and pretend...."

" That’s what I do Justin!" she stopped, dropping his shirt to the floor, while hers still lay mangled on his floor. His eyes didn’t leave hers, even though her body was exposed and the way she breathed angrily moved the mounds of flesh in the most erotic of fashions. Justin held her gaze though, wanting to hear what it was that she had to say. He wanted her to know he was listening.

" Why?"

" Of course you’d want to know why?!" she sighed angrily, bending down to retrieve her shirt. " What is it Justin that has you so intrigued? Is it because of Joshua? Is this some kind of feat for you, stealing his girl?" He knew she didn’t believe her own words, but it still bothered him to hear her say them. He shook his head at her, a smirk playing off his lips. He could tell she was trying to make him angry, like that would make him leave her alone.

" So you’re his girl now?" Justin watched the fury build in her eyes. She wanted him to dismiss her, just walk away like nothing ever happened so that she could continue on without him ever knowing what was up with her. But Justin was through with that. He noticed too much about her to just dismiss that something was amiss with her. He spent his days watching her, his nights thinking about her, and he wanted to know her, to have her, not just for his satisfaction but for the well being of his sanity. She was driving him crazy, and she had been for the past three weeks. All he ever knew to do was dismiss her, but that only proved to weaken him more. For when he pretended he wasn’t looking, he really was. And when she thought he didn’t care, he really did.

" That’s not the point. I shouldn’t..we..this is wrong!" she shouted, frustrated with him. He wasn’t backing down like he should be.

" So what’s right then Lourdes?" Justin glared at her, his anger written all over his face. " You and JC. You fucking walking around unnoticed by everyone. Has anyone else seen your arm? DO you even look at it. LOOK AT IT. YOUR FUCKING BLEEDING! What’s right about that?!"

" It’s none of your business?" Lourdes was righting out of fight, she couldn’t let him win. She wouldn’t let him in. He was as strange to her as her feelings for him were, and she had no more room for confusion.

" None of my business..." he mocked, the laughter that fell from his lips derived from anger. " Your presuming to tell me what I should care about?"

" You don’t care Justin." she sneered, her heart flipping in her chest. It was impossible to believe that he could, at least that’s what she told herself. She was probably just a thrill to him, and easy ride. He didn’t want her, he just wanted to say he had her. His jaw tightened and he crossed the room until he was directly in front of her, his eyes boring into hers igniting a heat that moved to disarm her.

" Lourdes, I do care. You know it and I know it. Whether we understand it or not..I do. I was a fucking second from being inside of you and if you think I really don’t care you would have been fucked. I could have fucked you senseless with your fucking arm bleeding over my gotdamn couch. But I care, I care too fucking much, don’t doubt that." He growled, releasing her free arm and stalking out of the room into the kitchen. Lourdes could barely gather her thoughts before she heard a door in the house slam in the direction he left. She fell into the couch, her mind still boggled by all that took place. He hadn’t lied, she felt the tip of him pushing against her, she knew that at any moment he would have been within her, but he stopped himself. He hadn’t moved, not even an inch closer, not when he saw her arm. She tried to convince herself that maybe he was disgusted, but she couldn’t act like the concern didn’t show all over him, even then as he yelled at her from across the room. Now he was gone, and she was sitting alone in his house. She didn’t know what her next move was, what was she suppose to do, did she call her driver to come and get her. She rolled her eyes, like that was an option, since Johnny would shit his pants if he knew she was within fifty feet of any of them. She winced in pain, her arm looked horrible. She could tell she was still bleeding, since the blood was beginning to soak through the fabric. What was she going to do?

" Get up." Justin ordered. Lourdes nearly jumped out of her skin at the sound of his voice. She didn’t say a word just followed him into his car. It wasn’t until they began driving that she decided to take the chance and speak to him.

" Where are we going?"

" You need a doctor."

" No." she choked. Her eyes grew large, and her hands began to shake. He couldn’t take her to a hospital, if Johnny ever found out he would kill her. The pain in her arm heightened, and she yelped beside herself. Justin immediately stopped the car, and turned to look at her. All the anger had been erased and replaced with fear/

" Lourdes, what is it?"

" We can’t go to the hospital" she panted, holding her arm against her. She knew she sounded ridiculous, bellowing over in pain and demanding that they not go. She just knew she couldn’t, every tabloid in history would catch wind of the story and her father’s name would be tarnished before morning. She looked at Justin, her eyes pleading with him to understand.

" Lourdes, look at you. Your starting to sweat, you need..." his cell phone began to ring, and when she noticed he would have just as soon ignored it, she picked it up and answered it. She already knew it was one of the guys looking for them. If they got wind that there was the slightest of problems, they would call her father, and she couldn’t let that happen. Pushing it towards him, she beckoned him to speak.

" Justin, speak." she mouthed, when all he did was stare angrily towards her.

" Wassup Chris?" Even from the passenger side of the car, Lourdes could hear Chris’ angry voice. She shook her head for Justin to come up with something, anything to keep them at bay. "She had to go home. Lenny told Johnny where she was.." he lied. Lourdes fell back against the seat and relaxed as Justin dished them a bogus story. Once he was finished, he snapped it closed and looked squarely at her.

" Wassup with you?" he asked her patiently, his jaw relaxing, and the anger dissipating. She wanted to confide in him, really she did, but what would happen when Justin found out she was a junkie. Would he be so understanding? Would he be so willing to help? Heaven only knows that she lost too many people, too much family from, with one little confession. People suddenly saw you differently when they found out that the root of your problem had to do with drugs. People became disgusted, disproving, and down right evil when they finally knew. She didn’t have much with Justin, but from what she could tell was forming, she didn’t want to lose what they did have. Why couldn’t he be like everyone else in her world and see what they want to see, why did he have to dig deeper?

" Justin I’m more trouble than I’m worth." she barely whispered her response, already ashamed of herself. She could imagine what he must already think of her. She would be a fool to believe any of it was good.

" Then you don’t know your own worth." She felt his hand on her own, and wished that his warmth would just cover her again. She had felt comfort in his embrace, something more than just a sweet hug, but a strong hold that told her he wanted to be the one that listened to her silent tears. She couldn’t trust it though, a feeling like that is never safe. She was safer with JC, who didn’t touch her or make her feel the way Justin did. At least she understood how she felt about JC, at least he made sense.

" You don’t know me Justin." she was pleading with him to back off, he didn’t know what he was getting himself into. He was better off without her troubles to add to his own.

" Your not giving me a chance to." he was visibly frustrated, he didn’t understand why she was so against him getting closer to her. He looked down at her arm, the towel damn near drenched. "Lourdes, let me take you to the hospital." her arm looked like it was turning colors, it scared the shit out of him to think what could be happening to her.

" No. It will heal by morning." she assured, laying her head against the seat and rubbing her arm gently. He wasn’t convinced and he could tell she knew that. But she wouldn’t let him take her to the hospital, and that pissed him off.

" Will you come to my house..and a doctor will come there." He knew he was asking for trouble, asking her to spend the night, but it was the only way he could be sure she got the help she needed. The look she gave him showed her hesitation, he knew without her asking what it was that troubled her most. " I’ll call Lenny. I’ll make sure your father doesn’t know."

" Justin..."

" I’ll sleep on the floor, hell I’ll stay awake. I want to make sure your alright." He couldn’t believe he was saying all this, when had he ever offered to stay awake so that someone else could enjoy sleep in his bed. When had he decided he’d be the one to take care of her?

" I can’t. If Joshua would find out..." Justin’s heart broke at the mention of JC, and he couldn’t help the sigh that escaped him. He was wrong for neglecting to consider JC, but he was even worse for not caring. It was like he wanted Lourdes for himself, regardless of who it was that desired her. As long as she desired him, she was his.

" Let me worry about it." When she offered no more resistance, Justin turned his car around and headed back to his house.