As I Am

Chapter 9

Avery couldn’t help the grin from forming on his face when he saw that Justin had entered into the kitchen looking as if death became him. Dropping his head to his bowl of cereal, he chuckled to himself as he could count on Trace to state the obvious.

" Well you look like shit." Trace smirked from the bar, where he sat, smoothing cream cheese over his toasted bagel. Avery watched as Justin lifted his head in annoyance towards the brown haired stumpy figure, then back to his empty bowl which he had started pouring Apple Jacks into. The hour was well past and on its way towards noon, when Justin made his appearance, so Avery wondered what had his cousin so drained.

" Your into some kinky shit." Trace exclaimed, motioning toward the rubbing alcohol and towels that lay across the counter. Avery had noticed them there too, as well as the crumbled shirt that belonged to Justin in the living room. Avery had remembered that he was going to ask Justin about it, since it was evident he had some company, but once again he forgot that he could always rely on Trace to bring it up first. Justin didn’t even nod his head in acknowledgment, just kept eating from his bowl only once turning to stare at the contents Trace referred to on the counter.

" I had to pick up your shirt with a broken hanger..I was afraid your little kids were swimming all over it." Avery choked over his spoonful of cereal, while Trace just shook his head. Trace was an asshole, an hilarious asshole, but an asshole all the same.

" Yo Trey...I’m eating." Avery laughed, although it was quickly silenced when he saw her make her way into the kitchen. His jaw nearly scraped the floor, not because she looked like a sultry vixen in an oversized shirt and bower shorts with her hair all over her head , but because it was Lourdes emerging from the direction of Justin’s bedroom- which was the master suite on the first floor.

" Oh shit." Trace gasped, his mouth just as open. Lourdes looked between the both of them, and smiled sheepishly, before turning to Justin. Avery had to turn his eyes away from the bare skin of her legs, to see what Justin’s response was. His cousin was now leading against the refrigerator offering his half eaten bowl towards her. Avery didn’t understand what was going on, especially since it looked like Justin had just spent the night banging the girl he knew JC liked, who just happened to be Johnny’s daughter. Lourdes walked over to Justin and accepted the bowl, before turning to and walking back towards Justin’s room. Once she was out of ear shot, Avery and Trace pounced on their friend.

" What in the hell man?!" Avery exclaimed, his eyes searching Justin for the least bit of remorse.

" Noth..."

" Oh before you go killing my dream...did you even get to squeeze the ass?" Trace interrupted Justin before he could finish. Avery took the time to throw the roll of paper towels towards Trace’s head before he turned back to Justin.

" Are you insane?!"

" Can you just explain how the rubbing alcohol and living room couch massacre factored in?" Trace grinned, his eyebrows lifting up suggestively. For the first time that morning, Justin broke a half smile, which only encouraged Trace further.

" She’s fucking hot as shit."

" Can we talk about JC?" Avery suggested which only got him a disproving look from Trace.

" Why, when she’s like a hundred times more interesting!" Trace exclaimed, his hands up in the air as if lost by the suggestion. Avery ignored the raving lunatic and turned to his cousin.

" Wassup?!"

" Nothing happened." Justin stated which caused Trace to groan in disappointment. Avery sighed, somewhat relieved, but still confused. From the way Justin made no mention to discuss the details, Avery could tell the conversation about last night was not going to be had.

" Alright. But I hope you know what your doing." Avery sighed, hoping that whatever the reason might be for her being here could be justified and not cause for the breaking of a priceless relationship.

Lourdes had just slipped out of his shirt and into her regular clothes when she heard the door open and close behind her. She turned to see that he was watching her as she tied her halter into place. The steam in his eyes tickled her insides as she turned to face him head on. He looked dead tired, and slightly annoyed, but he looked every it of handsome. He offered a weak smile in return of her own and took a seat in the chair next to the door.

" He wouldn’t tell me anything." Lourdes was glad to hear that Dr. Schinely didn’t disclose any of their consultation to Justin. At first glance, Dr. Schinely could tell she was dealing with a sever case of withdraw and that her choice of drug had been cocaine. Her injection site was aggravated, and had become an open infected wound in her arm. The doctor informed her that it was normal for her to begin bleeding from her sore, though it shouldn’t happen often. This was the second time, since the beginning period of this withdraw that something like that had happened to her. She knew now, like she knew then, there was no way of telling what caused it. One time she had picked the cab open, another time she had been too stress, so it could have been a number of things that caused the sore to bleed open. Nonetheless, she was told to expect another incident and that if she would like to be prescribed a medication he would be willing to do so for her. Lourdes knew she wouldn’t though. It was a draw for her to even be seen by him, but she knew Justin wouldn’t have left her alone if she hadn’t, hopefully the good doctor would keep his silence all the way through.

" That’s usually how it goes. Doctor -patient confidentiality." She smiled, but received nothing in return. She took a seat on the bed, and ignored the way his eyes drilled into hers.

" I just talked to Lenny, he said your father went out of town for business yesterday." She tried to hide the shock on her face, but could tell Justin had guessed that she didn’t even know Johnny was gone. She didn’t even know when he planned to come back, she wondered if Justin knew.

" Oh..when will he be back?"

" He said about a week." Lourdes should have known, she chastised herself for even beginning to feel upset. It wasn’t like Johnny was always around, but he could have at least said good bye. HE could have at least told her he was going. Now what was she supposed to do.

" Well. I’m used to it. Can you drop me off..or should I call Lenny?" She pretended that tears weren’t pushing at the back of her lids, like she didn’t feel absolutely alone and deathly afraid. Who was she supposed to turn to, hell even talk to, now that everyone was leaving. She shuddered within, wishing she knew how to get a fix. At least then she wouldn’t be so worried about being alone.

" About last night..." his eyes were now moving everywhere in the room. He couldn’t look at her and say this, because he very well knew he wouldn’t mean any of it. He had decided, after the spending the night fighting the urge to climb into bed next to her, that he should apologize for taking advantage of her. It was the least he could do, since he knew the feelings JC had for her and obviously the feelings she had for JC. His heart began to race, and his palm began to sweat, he didn’t want to do this. But it was only fair, and maybe she was right- maybe they were wrong. After all, what good could he do her when he was bounded by law to be Britney Spears’ boyfriend for the next two years. Was he going to spend the rest of his nights thinking about Lourdes, when she would probably be close by in JC’s arms. Would he really expect her to want to suffer through the tabloids, and paparazzi for him, knowing that he could never deny Britney as his girlfriend? He sighed within himself, hoping that his unexplainable feelings for her would subside..they just had to.

" I shouldn’t have gone there with you. I guess you were right, I guess I wanted what JC has." He gulped, his eye no longer able to take the anger rising in hers. " So, I just want to say I’m sorry and if you ever need anything..." he stopped himself, even he knew it sounded ridiculous after what he just said. How could he possibly tell her that he was there for her no matter what, and not sound like a complete hypocrite? " Look, it never happened." he sighed, stood up and walked out the door. He placed the call to Lenny, she needed to be picked up, there was no way he would be able to spend another moment around her.

She hated him. She hated him for the way he made her toes curl whenever he placed a kiss against her skin. She hated the way her heart skipped several beats whenever he decided to walk into whatever room she was occupying. She hated him for ever trying to open her up and get her to trust him, and most of all she hated him for wanting exactly what she thought he wanted- JC’s girl. Lourdes fell onto her bed, holding the bandaged arm that ached for a fix. She closed her eyes and imagined that Justin Timberlake never existed, and his kisses she never felt. She was hoping all that she thought of him was just her defense mechanisms taking over, she never suspected that he was only really after her because of JC. How foolish she was to think that his kisses and his touch all stemmed from his desire to have her, just because she was Lourdes and not because she was Lourdes who JC liked. Damn him!

" You have imaginary friends?" JC fell on top of her before she could even shriek out a response. He covered her, his arms pulling her closer to him, as he stared down at her. She smiled hesitantly, knowing that he couldn’t have heard her thoughts but scared that he had anyway.

" What are you doing here?" she asked, her voice trembling. She had opted to stay home today, even though Lenny persisted that the guys requested she be there for their departure. She just couldn’t bare it. She didn’t want to see them go, but most of all she was back to avoiding Justin. It was worse this time around. This time, they had went to far, and for what, for her to be told she was just a prize to be stolen from JC. What an ass. She knew she was better off, JC’s kind eyes told her so.

" I’m here for you." he smiled, before leaning down and kissing her sweetly. His kisses were so soft, so gentle, and very kind. Nothing at all like the animalistic way Justin’s mouth claimed hers, which was probably why her body didn’t faint with passion but filled with pleasantness. She breathed happily into their kiss and wondered how she ever thought to pass him up. JC was nothing like Justin, he was everything Justin wasn’t, which was a hell of a lot since Justin was a supreme asshole.

" Really. I’m sorry I couldn’t come today. I would have just been so..." but he silenced her with a kiss, his hands never leaving her side. She wondered how JC could control himself, how it was that he could kiss her and touch her, but not be on the brink of making love to her. Unlike Justin.

" SO I hope your packed..Oh gosh." Chris shrieked, walking in on JC and Lourdes. Lourdes flew up, shocked, to see Lance and Joey following behind Chris into her room. Luckily she was dressed in a casual pair of sweats and a regular tank. She looked a mess, but at least she was fully clothed.

" Where’s a camera when you need one?" Joey teased, winking at Lourdes, who blushed.

" I hate your candid camera." Lance stated looking at Joey with disdain. Lourdes remembered how steamed Lance had gotten once he realized Joey had taped him talking to his mother- with a natural baby tone- and replayed it for all of them. Lance was beet red, which was a shock to his pale skin.

" I bet you do mommie’s dearest." Joey laughed, walking further into the room and plopping down beside JC and Lourdes.

" What is this?" Lourdes asked, wondering why they were all here and not on the road headed to their first gig.

" This is an official kidnapping. Our plan fell through last night." Chris smiled evilly, rubbing his hands together. Lourdes rolled her eyes and climbed off the bed. Turning to face them, she put her hands on her hips, prepared to demand her answer.

" I love it when they get bossy." Joey sighed, which only made Lourdes laugh. She quickly recovered and began glaring at all of them.

" Okay, what’s going on?"

" Your going with us." Lance shrugged, as if that was the obvious answer.

" No. I’m not." There was an uneasy feeling in her stomach as she looked back in forth between all the guys.

" Unless you don’t want to." JC smiled, his good looks weakening her resolve. Were they insane? Or did they forget her father practically forbid her to be seen in public with them? Even if she was allowed, there would be no way she could spend any amount of time holed up on a tour bus with Justin. Absolutely no way!

"It’s not that..it’s just that..my father."

" He’ll live. Anyway, we got a week before we’re really busted. You might as well live it up." Chris said, clearly indifferent to Johnny’s orders. Lourdes wanted to give in, but there was still the problem of Justin. He was an even bigger burden to her than her father.

" And if your worried about Justin.." her heart dropped, how did any of them know.. " He’s one of five. You can ignore his bad moods easily. Trust me." Lance offered, his smile genuinely sincere. Lourdes wore the look of doubt, she was sure they all thought it would be a blast to have her, but she wasn’t so sure herself. She didn’t need to be around them if her sore decided to open or if her attacks started to come back. Noticing her hesitation, JC slid off the bed and placed his arms around her waist.

" Please, baby girl, I won’t take no for an answer." He leaned in to kiss her softly amiss all the groans that followed.