This has not been a good week at all. Why God felt the need to screw with my life is a mystery to me but it’s not funny. Justin and I aren’t really… working out as well as I would like it to have. Why you might ask? Well God decided to invent sex. And then he made sex really enjoyable. Then he made men. Men love sex. I blame the whole male race. And maybe God because without him I wouldn’t be here, stuck in this mess.

I watch Justin play on the guitar, humming something along with the tune. His inability to get much out of me has led him to pound his frustration out on the guitar. Harper sits at the table with me, looking at the TV that is pounding out the breaking news of our marriage. It’s been a week, you think they would be over it by now.

“So now that everything’s out are you guys talking about kids?”

I choke on my water and shake my head emphatically, “No way.”

Harper laughs, “I was just kidding. We always try to give Justin a heart attack.”

“You’re going to give me one.”

She plays with the cup in front of her, “You’ve been acting a little weird lately.”

“I’m just tired.”

“Or it could be you’re not thrilled about being married.”

I look over at Harper and back into the living room to make sure Justin can’t hear what we are saying, “Why would you say that?”

“You are normally all over him and since you guys got married you haven’t quite been as affectionate as usual.”

I put my head in my hand, “I guess it just threw me off a little.”

Harper puts her hand out to mine, “I know it’s hard to be tied down to one person for the rest of your life but it’s Justin. He loves you and you love him.”

“I know, that’s what they say.”

The music stops playing and we both shut up as Justin comes in and takes a water bottle out of the fridge. Harper stands and picks her purse up, “I’m going to get going. I’ll see you two love birds later.”

Justin rolls his eyes and waves at her as she leaves. I feel bad because I like him and all, just not enough to sleep with him. Which is what happened last night when he tried to get some. To summarize what happened without vocalizing everything we said to one another, it ended with him sleeping on the couch pissed off.  He sits down across from me and jots a few things down on a piece of paper.

“Hey you.”

He ignores me as he takes a sip of his water. I shift in my seat uncomfortably, “Are you ever going to talk to me again?”

“Are you ever going to tell me why you won’t sleep with me? Did I do something wrong, something you didn’t like?”

It looks like it physically hurts him to ask that. I feel sympathetic for him because that certainly couldn’t have been a easy question to ask. I lick my lips, “It’s not you.”

“Oh great, are you going to break up with me next?”

“Do you hear yourself? You are getting pissed just because I don’t want to have sex. Believe me, it’s not the end of the world.”

“It’s a big deal Ally. I know when you get married that your sex life is supposed to diminish but for fucking sake I didn’t think it would end cold turkey.”

I hold my head with my hands as a headache starts to pound over my eyes, “Stop yelling at me!”

“Well I don’t know what you want me to do!” he says, still raising his voice.

“I don’t want you to do anything,” I argue.

“Then what is it because I’m really confused here,” he asks, somewhat exasperated with me.  

I close my eyes, “I don’t know what to say.”

“That’s not what I’m looking for here Ally,” he says, getting up.

I reach out for him, “I’m sorry okay?”

He stops when my hand touches him, “Sorry? I don’t want you to be sorry.”

Justin turns around and takes a step closer, putting his hand on my chest, “You don’t even like me touching you Ally. I’m not stupid, I just figured you were readjusting to me being home. Now I don’t know what to think.”

My heart pounds underneath his hand, “I just need a little space right now.”

“We’ve never needed space before Alana. I thought I just gave you space by being on tour and you were the one calling me every night telling me this is not how you start off a marriage.”

His eyes are gray. That’s the thing that struck me first. His eyes. They are blue when he’s happy, indigo when he wants me and gray when he’s upset.

“Maybe I’m just changing. Adjusting to married life.”

“It’s been like this since I got home. Are you rethinking this marriage?”

Of course I’m rethinking it. I didn’t get to actually think it the first time around.

“Justin…”

He pulls away, “I knew it Ally. We’ve been together for years and you pull this shit on me?”

“I don’t want to fight with you.”

“Too bad Ally. This isn’t something you just bring up and then expect everything to be fine. Gee Justin, this marriage isn’t really working now lets go watch TV together.”

I groan and get up, storming out of the room. I’ve had it with this whole arrangement, “Damien!”

He doesn’t come out and I yell again, “Damien get out here now!”

Justin comes into the room and frowns, “What the hell are you doing? Who is Damien?”

I hold up one finger, “Damien I need you right about now.”

“Are you cheating on me?” he asks, sounding unsure whether he actually wants to know.

“No,” I insist.

I turn back around to see Damien, “What are you doing Ally?”

“You have to tell him,” I argue.

“You know I can’t do that.”

“I’m not asking you, I’m telling you.”

Justin takes a step back, “Who are you talking to Ally?”

“Damien tell him.”

“Alana this is for you, not for him,” he reminds me, looking concerned. At least for an angel whose always grinning at me obnoxiously.

“I can’t do this, you have to tell him.”

I feel Justin come up behind me and touch my shoulders, “Alana are you alright?”

I turn around, “I’m not Alana. Or at least your Alana.”

He stares at me, “Have you been drinking? Because you don’t really drink and I’m thinking that maybe you have overdone it a little in the heat of the moment.”

I feel a tear run down my cheek at pure exhaustion, “Help me.”

“Help you what baby?” he says, brushing the tear from my cheek with his thumb.

My tear hits the floor and I melt into him, “I can’t do this anymore. It’s just not working out and I want to go home,” I sob into his shirt.

“Who’s that?”

I look up at Justin, “Who?”

Justin points, “The guys sitting on the table grinning.”

I turn around to see where Justin’s pointing, “Oh my God.”

Damien’s eyes widen, “You can see me?”

Justin holds on to my shoulders, “Can I help you?”

“That’s Damien,” I say, pulling away from him.

Justin backs up, “What the hell is going on here?”

I take his hand, “He’s an angel. A real angel with wings,” I turn back around, “at least I think that he does. Sometimes I think he’s from the devil but that’s a whole ‘nother story.”

“Okay, now I know you’ve been drinking.”

I turn around, “Tell him Damien.”

Damien sighs, “I don’t know why this is happening Ally.”

“Just do it,” I insist.

“I’m an angel,” Damien says, standing up.

“I think we established that with the whole wing thing.”

Damien throws me a dirty look, “Not funny Ally. You’re getting your way so can I please finish me explanation if you don’t mind.”

I frown, “Fine. Just know that you do tend to go on with your explanations without telling anyone anything constructive.”

Justin laughs nervously, “Okay, jokes over. You guys aren’t funny.”

“And this is a glimpse of what could have been if Alana had taken a different path in life,” Damien finishes, staring up at the ceiling. After a moment he nods and smiles like the day I met him. This is not a good sign let me tell you.

“I’m really confused,” Justin says, looking at me.

“This,” I say gesturing to the house, “isn’t real. This isn’t really how my life turned out. This is what could have happened if I did something different in my life.”

Justin frowns, “You’re acting crazy Ally.”

“I’m telling you the truth. I swear.”

Damien smiles, “You know, I’ve never had this happen before in my career but Justin, you are going to get a glimpse too.”

Justin holds his hands up, “What are you talking about?” he asks, getting nervous, “This is getting really weird.”

Damien reaches out and takes my hand, “Alana is getting the chance to see how her life would have turned out if she had done something different and it was supposed to be for her, but I just got redirected. How would you like to see your life the way it really is?”

He frowns, “What do you mean the way it really is? This is my life.”

“This is not your life. This is Ally’s life. Your life is in another world. The way it is when you never met Ally.”

Justin looks at me and back to Damien, “Are you serious? Is this real?”

Damien nods, “This is very real.”

Justin looks unconvinced, “You’re kidding.”

Damien waves his hand and knocks the vase next to him over. It starts to fall and Damien waves his hands again, freezing the vase mid air. Justin stares and carefully moves over to the vase, putting his hand underneath it and waving it back and forth, “Oh shit.”

“This is real,” I say, moving closer to Justin.”

“So I’m going to see what my life would have been?” he asks, still trying to touch the vase.

Damien nods, “You’re life turns out quite differently when Ally isn’t in the picture.”

He looks at me, “I don’t meet Ally in my life?”

Damien shakes his head, “You don’t even know she exists. Your life will have some things that would have happened regardless of Ally and some that never would have if she wasn’t with you.”

I turn to Damien, “Are you telling me we are going back to my life?”

“Only for a day, so Justin can see what his life is like. Then you are back here to figure out the reason this all happened to you.”

I sigh, “I guess it’s better than nothing right?” I reason, realizing I’ll be getting a small break from my “quest” for the reason I’m here.

Damien squeezes my hand, “Be careful what you wish for Alana,” he warns, “Alright, grab him and let’s go.”

“Do you have wings? I mean I’ve never seen them or anything and I would think that if you were an angel you would have wings.”

Damien rolls his eyes, “You and your attention span. You really could drive someone to drink.”

I reach out for Justin to see him pull away from me for the first time. It’s kind of weird which surprises me but I grab his hand again before he can pull away as we start to spin. I’m already expecting what’s going to happen but obviously Justin couldn’t even fathom what’s coming next as he squeezes my hand.

Everything spins around me as we fall. I don’t scream this time since I know I’m not going to die and allow myself just to let go. I feel something soft and close my eyes. The ride has just begun.