Chapter 14

I know the truth now; about how Justin really feels. God, I didn’t know that it was possible to even hurt this much. Murderer, that’s who and what I am now to him, there’s no going back, there’s no getting past it. Murderer. I remove the paper towel from my nose and exit my car. I take a seat on the hood, bring my knees up under my chin and look out at the beautiful city of Los Angeles that is below me. This is my favorite spot, hands down, in the entire state. I can literally see every building that inhabits LA and it comforts me a little, not as much as it used to, but it does. What do I do now? Where do I go? The man that I love hates me, not that I blame him but today was a turning point. These last few weeks have been tough because he was acting so strange but I kept telling myself that it would get better. His wounds would heal and he would love me again and we’d forget about everything that happened and be happy. Well, I’ve never been all that great at predicting the future and I was sure as hell wrong about this one too. I make his skin crawl, that’s what he said. Have you ever been told by anyone that you make their skin crawl? Rather, have you ever been told by someone you love that you make their skin crawl? No, you haven’t, because you all are not murderers. You’ve never taken a human life before. Oh and I believe that I make him physically sick to his stomach because he actually gagged one time when I touched him. You know, I don’t believe that I’ve ever felt this way before. Tony never used to make me feel this… dirty and disgusting. But maybe I’m confusing my emotions, maybe I don’t feel dirty and disgusting, I think I feel guilt; or guilty. Guilty for making Justin feel those things because those are things that humans shouldn’t feel and the only reason he feels them, is because of me.

My ringing phone breaks me from my thoughts and I take it out of my pocket to see who’s calling me. Olivia. Great, Justin probably called her and told her and now they are going to be searching the city for me. I don’t want to be found. I don’t want to be found by Justin in the broken state and then have him piece me back together. I don’t want to be in a relationship that’s not true and genuine. I don’t want him to hate me. My phone then vibrates, letting me know that there is a voice message. It vibrates again and again and again, slowing driving me to my breaking point. In one swift move, I grab my cell from its place on the hood and throw it over the ledge that I am looking over. I don’t hear it hit the ground but something else enters my mind.

I slide off of the hood of the car and walk slowly to the ledge, not stopping until my toes are hanging over the edge. One wrong move and I could end up like my cell phone, scattered in little pieces across the ground that is hundreds of feet below me. That would take the pain away though, wouldn’t it? I wouldn’t have to feel like a murderer anymore. I spread my arms out on either side of me and close my eyes, letting the soft breeze blow over my entire body. I kind of wish it were a little more forceful, then it could just blow me right over the edge. Goodness, I almost want to do this; I almost want to jump. But because I’m such a coward, I don’t. I back away from the ledge and take my seat back on my hood, letting out a deep sigh. My soul hurts and I really don’t know what to do about it anymore. This hurt was pre-Justin but before, it was more of an ache, not full blown hurt. I guess Justin just helped me mend it for a while but it was bound to come up again, kinda like heartburn.

I just realized something. I'm just a shell of the girl I used to be. My soul has long since died and I just find myself wondering through life. I had dreams; big ones. I wanted to open my own advertising business; I wanted to be on the fortune 500 by the time I was 30. Needless to say, nothing that I wanted to do with this life has happened. I mean, sure, I have a great, stable job, a nice car and a house of my own but something is missing. I know I have the smarts and the will to start my own business but... I'm scared. What if I fail? What if I quit my great, stable job and end up loosing my nice car and my house? I don't know what I'd do at that point. You see? This is what I'm talking about. When I was younger, I wouldn't even be thinking about any of this, I would have gone right ahead and opened my business. If I had failed, I would have figured something out and made it work. But, that was all pre-Tony. He just ruined me in more ways than one. His physical abuse scarred me but the mental and emotional scars go way deeper than that. You know, even after all of these years, I still hear Tony's harsh words and to this day, those words still dictate my actions.

Another sigh escapes my lips as the sunset begins to disappear behind the skyscrapers. What a beautifully this has turned out to be, huh? What I wouldn’t give to just switch lives with one of the millions of people that roam around California; just for a day. I wouldn’t be thought of as a murderer, I wouldn’t be making people physically sick, I wouldn’t be making Justin unhappy. I wouldn’t be…. I wouldn’t be me, and that’s the most alluring thing about it. I wouldn’t have to be me.

A few tears slip down my cheeks and I hiss when they come in contact with my very sensitive nose. A cut has appeared on my left cheek and practically my entire face is bruised. I got it to stop bleeding though, which I guess is a good thing. I softly rid the wetness from my face and climb back into the drivers’ seat. I take a look back out on the city and then throw the car into reverse and make my way back toward the city, in search of a hotel. A few minutes later, I pull into a Hilton, check in and then collapse on the bed once I’m inside the room. I don’t believe it, after this long and emotionally taxing day, I’m actually going to fall asleep. I mean, this kind of drama is usually followed by a long night of just staring at the blank wall.

I find enough strength to pull off my bloody clothing and climb under the sheets. It doesn’t take long before my eye lids become heavy and one word keeps repeating itself as I drift off into never land.

Murderer.

______________________________

My eyes open slowly as the morning light bleeds through the shades over the windows. I groan inwardly and glance at the clock, 8:53am. I rub my eyes but hiss when pain rips through my body, I am not the sharpest person in the morning. The sleep did me a world of good though and my head is clear. I know what I have to do now.

I stumble into the bathroom, shower, and then throw on a robe. I throw my bloody shirt into the sink and let it fill with cold water and then throw some soap into the mix to try and clean it up. I hair back up into a pony tail and sit at the little desk in the corner of the room. I get out a few pieces of paper, a pen, and two envelopes. I address the two envelopes to their soon to be owners and then set them off to the side. I stare at the blank paper for a while but soon, I’ve filled three pages worth of words. I sign the paper, fold them nicely and then place them into one of the two envelopes. About twenty minutes later, I’m sliding my second letter into its rightful place and place the cap back onto the pen. This is what I have to do, not only for me but for Justin and Olivia. They would be better off with out my anyway so yeah, I gotta do this.

A few hours later, after my shirt has dried, I collect the two letters and then check out of the hotel. I drive back to my neighborhood and park in front of Justin’s place after delivery Olivia’s letter to her mailbox. His garage is wide open, a horrible habit that I tried to break him of but to no avail. His car is gone, so I cut off the engine and make my way slowly to the front door. I walk inside and listen for a while to see if Marty comes running up but he doesn’t. I call out to Justin but again, I get nothing. With the last letter still in hand, I walk up the stairs and into the bedroom. I stop as memories start to fill my head.

Flashback

I tip-toe through the room with my hand over my mouth, trying to suppress my laughter. When I reach the dresser, I stand on my toes and feel around on the top for the Polaroid camera. I find it quickly and walk quietly over the side of the bed and whisper the count down.

"Three...two...one."

I yank back the covers, exposing him and snap the picture as he woke up. Erupting into fits of laughter, I run out of the room and start to make my way down the steps. I hear his heavy footsteps behind me and squeal when his hand grazes across my back, missing mw by only a hair.

"I'm going to get you!" he calls after her.

I ran through the kitchen and was almost through the living room when his hands wrap around my waist and pull me down to the floor. He climbs on top of me and starts to tickle me, making me laugh so hard, I start to cry. He stops after a little while and lays on me, putting his head on my chest. He takes a few stands of me hair in between his fingers and starts to play with it while I calm myself. I hug him to me and trace lazy circles on his back.

"I love you." I whisper.

"I love you too baby.”

End of Flashback

I walk further into the room and into the closet to get a new set of clothes. A few moments later, I step into the bathroom in a sweatshirt and jeans and begin to cover the bruises with some make up. Another memory begins to cloud my brain and soon, I find myself crying again.

Flashback

“Okay, okay, okay. If you found a million, trillion dollars on the side of the road one day, would you give it all up to be with me?” I ask him as we settle into the bath tub together.

“Why would I have to give it up? I couldn’t have you and the money?” He asks taking a sip of his wine and setting the glass back on the edge of the tub.

“No. You have to choose, me or the money.”

“Hmm…”

He takes another sip of wine and lays his head back onto the edge. I stare at his beautiful body and rub my newly peticured feet on his torso. He suddenly grabs my foot, and brings it up to his lips, leaving sweet and soft kisses and each of my toes. He sucks lightly on a few of them and then drops my foot harshly into the water, “I would take the money.”

He erupts into laughter as my face drops and a loud scoff escapes my throat, “You are such an ass.” I say as I try not to laugh with him.

He pulls me through the water and hugs me to his chest, “You know I’m kidding girl. Of course I would choose you. A million, trillion dollars couldn’t not make me as happy as you do.”

“Whatever, you know you would take the money.” I cross my arms tightly over my chest, trying my best to sound hurt.

He kisses the side of my face, “No I wouldn’t. I would much rather be a poor person and have you, then be rich and have to live my life without you.”

End of flashback

If only he felt the same way now. I finish my makeup as best I can, and then make my way back downstairs and into the kitchen. I grab a picture of Justin, Marty and I off of the refrigerator and put it into my back pocket. I kiss the envelope addressed to Justin and set it on the counter top. I take a few last glances at the house that I used to call home and then walk back out to my car, closing the garage door before I jump back into my ride. Tears well up into my eyes again as I say goodbye to the man and the life I could have had with him. I get out my car and jog across the street to my old house and pluck a rose off of one of the bushes. I run back across the street and lay it gently on the chair the sits next to his front door. Just like the cliché movies, a third and final memory is pulled from my mental rolodex and is presented to me at the front door.

Flashback

He places a kiss on my cheek as we relax together on the front lawn, watching the sunset, “What are you thinking about up there?” he asks quietly.

I sigh, “Oh nothing, just about how happy I feel right now.” A smile spreads across his face and my hand instantly reaches out to rub the stubble on his cheeks, “And how beautiful you are.”

“You are such a sap.” He laughs as he pushes me gently.

I giggle and fall into him as Mrs. Buchanan walks by with her dogs, “Hi Mrs. Buchanan.” I wave.

She gives me a short smile but keeps on walking. As soon as she’s out of earshot, Justin begins to laugh, “She really doesn’t like you at all.”

“I don’t know why, I never did anything to that old hag,” I laugh.

“Yes you did, you stole me away from her. You know, before we got together, she actually came over here one night butt naked.”

My mouth drops open, “Nu-uh!”

“If I’m lyin’ I’m flyin’.”

“What did you do?”

“I told her to take her naked ass back home to her kids. I told her that she was old enough to be my momma and I was for damn sure not gonna have sex her.”

I laugh, “Awe, you broke her little heart Jay-jay.”

“Oh shut up. If I hadn’t I would be here with you right now would I skank?”

“Whateva dick face.”

“Slut bag.”

“Concubine.”

His face distorts into confusion, “What the fuck is a concubine?”

End of Flashback

I kiss the tips of my fingers and place them softly on the door. I walk back to my car, start the engine and then look back at the house. I take off down the street and let out all my tears as I exit the development.

“Goodbye Justin.”

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