Chapter 15 -- Justin's P.O.V.

I'm scared to go home, there is just too much... emotion there. Shortly after Ashlynn took off yesterday, I left and went over to Trace and Elisha's. I hit her; not on purpose but it's still concidered a hit right? God, I shouldn't have gotten so angry at her, i should have been more sensitive toward her and her feelings. She had to kil him or he would've killed her and/or me. She saved my life and all I can do is gag when she touches me and call her a murderer, great huh? So this is me now, crashing over at my bestfriends house, alone, instead of being in my own damn room making love to my beautiful yet damaged girlfriend. I am an asshole.

I roll over and look out the window. A breeze moves across the branches and leaves of the trees, causing them to sway softly and the sky is dark; it looks like rain. Perfect day for my perfect life, ha. I can't stop thinking about her though, I wonder if she's okay. She probably went over to Olivia's, yeah, that's probably where she is. I don't think she would know where else to go and Olivia will take care of her. She's a good friend to Ashlynn.

But now everything is so weird. I mean, we can't just go back to normal and forget that all of this shit happened but it'll be to weird to just sit and talk about it candidly. We both have a lot of shit to get off of our chests and I think right now, we would just end up either further apart than we already are or it'll bring us back together. But I can't help but think that it'll tear us apart. If you haven't noticed, I'm not to good at thinking through things before they come out of my mouth so I'd probably say something to hurt her feelings again. Ugh, I can't sit around and think about this anymore, it's just going to make me even more depressed.

I throw the covers off of my body and swing my feet over the side of the bed and place them on the floor. I stand and stretch for a minute and then make my way into the bathroom and start the shower. About twenty minutes later, i slip into my white beater and start to make my way downstairs and into the kitchen. I can hear Trace and Elisha's hushed whispers coming from the kitchen and I only stop when I hear my name.

"Maybe you should talk to Justin about this and see what is really on his mind?" Elisha says.

"I can't do that Lish, you know that. Justin is a very private person, he likes to keep that kind of stuff to himself."

"Trace, he can't keep this to himself. He already hit Ashlynn and -"

"Don't. He did not hit her, it was an accident." Trace says sternly.

"Okay, whatever, but the point is, he's not been himself these last few weeks and you can't deny that. He's been angry and down right mean to Ashlynn and she doesn't deserve that babe. It wasn't her fault that this guy was a maniac and to save her life and Justin's, she had to kill him. She had too."

It's silent for a minute, "I know. I know but that's weird, I can't just go up to him and be like, yo, I know you saw your girlfriend murder her ex-boyfriend but you should get over it and just forgive her."

"It doesn't matter what you think is weird. Their relationship is at its breaking point. They love each other entirely to much and to have it end this way is terrible. We have to do something."

"Elisha, it's not our place to-"

"It's okay guys, you don't have to argue." I say stepping in full view and leaning against the island.

Elisha looks down at her fingers and then back at me, "I'm sorry. We didn't mean to get so loud, but we're worried about you two."

I shake my head slowly and look down at my feet, "Yeah, I know."

It gets silent again in the kitchen and then Elisha softly asks, "Do you know where she is?"

"She's probably at Olivia's place. But, I don't know for sure."

"She hasn't tried to call yet or anything?" Trace asks.

I shake my head no again and let out a sigh. This is going to be one long ass day.

______________________________

I was right when I said it looked like it was going to rain. As I sit in my friends living room, aimlessly flipping through the channels, rain is pelting down on the earth. It's hard, harsh rain, not like the soft, quiet summer rain that California usually has. I've waisted have of the day in front of the tv and I know I should be trying to find out where Ash is but i'm too scared. I don't know what's on the other side of Trace's front door and I'm not ready to brave through it yet, maybe after Reno 911! is over, maybe then I won't be a coward.

I hear heavy footsteps from the steps and Trace soon appears at my side. He plops down on the love-seat, next to the couch and stares at the tv, "I think we should go see if Ash went back home."

"What?"

"I said I think we should go to your place to see if she's there. You guys need to talk about this."

I sigh and shift my position, "I don't want to see her right now dude. It's just too..."

"Justin, don't do this. You always do this." He lets out an angry sigh and turns his head to look out the window.

"What are you talking about?" I take defense.

"Every time I see you get involved with these women, at some point in time during the relationship you just give up and let them walk out of your life. You've had some pretty decent women that were willing to take care of your dumb ass but you just let them go without another thought going through your thick head. What are you so afraid of?"

I'm taken aback by his little rant. I never thought that Trace thought so indepth about my relationships. Usually, he puts on this macho, i-don't-give-a-fuck attitude and refers to women as bitches and hoes, this new attitude has thrown me for a loop. I'm... flabergasted, "What do you mean, what am I afraid of Trace? Where is all of this coming from?"

"I'm your friend and your too good of a guy to be single anymore. Hell, If I can find a girl, you sure as hell can find a good one and you have one. You just have to put all that macho shit behind you, go apologize and make her feel better. She needs you to love her right now and not judge her or bring back any memories or any of that shit. She just needs you. So get off your ass, and go home to her. We'll watch Marty."

So here I sit, in front of my house. I turn the car off and just sit there, staring at the front door. I let out a heavy breath and then open the door and step out of the car. I make my way slowly to the front door and pause when my hand hits the door handle. Even though I don't see her car, for some reason I can feel that she's in there or at least she came back for a while. It's weird, I can kind of smell her perfume. I step through the threshold of the door and step into my living room. Nothing. There's just silence in the air. I call out her name but get nothing in response, damn it, I should have come over earlier. I walk into the kitchen with high hopes, thinking that maybe she was there and just didn't hear me but find another empty room. Just as I'm about to turn, I notice that the picture of Ash, Marty and I is gone from the refridgerator. She was here. I start to walk over to the fridge when I notice the envelope sitting on the counter. I pick it up and instantly recognize the handwriting of my girlfriend. I tear open the letter and the words begin to fill me head.

Dear Justin,

By the time you get this, I'm not sure where I will be. I'm writing this letter to you because I have a lot to say but I'm not strong enough to look you in the face and tell you, I'm too much of a coward. First off, I'd like to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for mixing you up in my past and getting you hurt and for making you love me. I'm damaged goods and I should have kept my distance from you but I let myself slip, I should have been more careful. I'm sorry for everything that involved Tony and I'm sorry that you had to see me take his life but he would have hurt you and I couldn't let that happen. I love you too much. I bet you didn't think you'd end up with this huh? God, I didn't think it would end up like this either but there is nothing that we can do about it now. All we can do is move on and I know that for you to be able to do that, I can't be in your life.

So I guess that brings us to the real reason I'm writing this letter. I won't be coming back Jay but please don't think it has to do with anything that you did. You have no idea what you did to me, you've changed me in so many good ways that I can't even begin to describe them. But, there has always been something in me since I left Tony that hasn't gone away. I'm not sure what it is but if I stay, I'll never get rid of it. Justin, I haven't been a healthy person in such a long time and with you, I caught a glimpse of the old me. I want to be that person again but I have to do a lot of soul serching before I believe I can be that girl again. And, I know that you don't even see me the same anymore and your feelings have changed towards me so, I think this is the best for both of us. We'll both get some time to breathe and re-evaluate ourselves.

I just want you to know that I love you and i've always loved you, that will never change but I want you to be free. To be free of me and all of this shit and just live your life. Get with a pretty little blonde girl that has never had to think of anything worse than breaking a nail. Someone who can give you all of themselves and not get you mixed up in any crazyness. You deserve that, you deserve the best and that's not me right now. I'm not going to pack anything so you can do whatever you want with them, I really don't care. Give Marty a kiss for me okay? And promise me you won't wait for me, you don't deserve to wait. Just move on Justin and don't think twice about it.

I didn't mean for this to be son long, i've nearly taken up three pages. Just... if you never want to see me again, that's fine, I'm not going to bother you. And if you find it in your heart to forgive me; I accept. Have a nive life Justin and take care of Olivia for me.

Always Yours, Ashlynn

I read it again and again and again. I don't even notice the tears running down my cheeks as I stumble into the living room and pick up the phone.

"Hello?"

"T-Trace?"

"Justin? Justin, what's wrong? What's the matter dude?"

"S-She's... she's..."

"What is it Justin?"

"She's gone, Trace. She-She left me."

He's silent, "What do you mean?" He asks quietly.

I drop the phone from my shaking hand and return my attention to her note. She's gone. I can't believe it; she's... gone.

That Ashlynn is very easy on the eye. She’s probably somewhere around 5’5 with these big brown abysses that some people like to call eyes. She’s slim but has some meat on her bones, just the way I like it. Her black tank showed off her small love handles and I had to damn near tear my eyes away from her legs. She has long, thick, jet-black hair that stops just below her perky, perfectly rounded breasts. Her sun-kissed skin reminds of the color mahogany and the sunlight only enhanced her radiant features. To sum her up in one word would be impossible but if I had to, the word would be pulchritudinous, and I don’t even know what kind of personality she has.