"Your looks are laughable
Unphotographable
Yet you're my favourite work of art."
"Loser, I just called you fifty-eleven times, try picking up. I'm starving and there's this new restaurant I want to go to tonight, you wanna come with? It'll be just the two of us this time, promise. I know how bad you are at sharing. Call me back, this is JC."
I rolled my eyes at the message and called him back. Got his voicemail and leaving a message of my own, I said, "Hey, freak. I don't know why you always feel the need to remind me of who you are at the end of the message. But anyways, I can't. Kinda not even in the same state as you right now. So yeah, try to make it through dinner tonight without me."
Less than a minute went by before my phone was ringing. No sooner than I'd picked up, he said without any preamble, "What do you mean you're not in the same state as me?"
"Why didn't you answer before?"
"Why are you avoiding answering my question, which is clearly more important?"
"Hmm. If I find out you were cheating on me with that Deli girl again, I won't kill you. But I'll hit something vital."
Deli girl was the clever and subtle name I'd given the girl who worked at the deli JC liked to go to all the time. He claimed he only went there as often as he did because they treated him like a regular joe and plus they made some kick ass subs, but I always joked that he went there for her. Teasing JC is one of my favorite pastimes, his face turns red so often and easily that I've made drinking games out of how many times I could make him blush during a given amount of time.
"Still not answering the question. Where are you?"
"Hotel California."
"Why?"
"Cause I've got a job here and the bills aren't going to pay themselves."
"You know Big Daddy's got you."
Laughing, I said, "Please, shut up."
Being the weirdo that he is, he actually shut up. So I said, "I was joking, freak."
"So who's the client? Must be someone pretty special to get you to go to LA, you said you hate that place."
I just forgot to add the part about how I only hate it cause I know that's where Justin lives. "I do hate LA."
"And...?"
"And I still need the money."
"So you're not going to tell me who you're working for?"
"If I say it, you're just going to get mad."
"Now you have to say it."
I sighed and muttered, "I'm planning Justin's wedding."
When he went quiet this time, I started to fear this was going to turn into one of those itchy sweater silences like Justin had been torturing me with. "Josh?"
"I didn't know y'all were talking again."
"Well, the thing is, I--we aren't." I said. "This was his fiancée's idea."
"How broke are you?" He finally laughed.
I didn't bother answering and just laughed too. Glad to be laughing instead of arguing over Justin, which surprisingly is something we've done quiet a bit, despite the lack of Justin in our daily lives. Well, that is until now, when the argument would be more appropriate, but whatever, I'm just glad for laughter.
"It was either this or stripping. I figured this would be less degrading."
"Seriously, Simone," he started and whenever he called me by my real name, I knew he was about to get into some shit. "You didn't have to run back to Justin, I would've helped you out."
I sighed. Great maybe this was going to turn into an argument. I said, "This isn't about running back to Justin. This isn't about Justin helping me out. Justin doesn't even know that I need helping...in or out. And Justin will continue not to know if I have anything to say about it. This is just a job. A slightly, very awkward job, but a job nonetheless. Believe it or not, but working is what folks who like to live indoors do to get money. We don't all have old boy-band bank rolls to fall back on."
"For the sake of not starting an argument, I'll pretend that I believe you, loser. And I'll see you, when I see you, I guess."
"Wait--Josh..." I sighed, not because I couldn't say what I wanted to say, but because I just didn't want to, because then he'd get to think that he was riding in on his white steed to save poor little ol' me who couldn't handle being around big bad Justin all by her lonesome. Ah, fuck it. "Can I see you sooner than that?"
"How soon?"
"Like...now."
"You know, loser, I have a really busy schedule, I can't just drop everything and run to your side just because you want me to."
I just laughed at that. We both knew that was a joke. "So in other words, I'll see you tomorrow, freak."
"Later, loser."
If the thought hadn't ever crossed my mind that inviting JC to Cali would be a (very) bad idea, it was crossing and pacing and bouncing around in my mind now and driving me crazy. Both Justin and Valerie kept giving me sideways glances then sharing little glances with each other--the kind of thing you do when you're afraid you've placed yourself within the realm of a crazy person.
I wasn't doing anything to really warrant the crazy person glances, but I was antsy. I was checking the clock a lot. JC's flight was due in a few hours and with each tick of the clock I was more anxious than before. How could I just invite him knowing there's tension between him and Justin?
It's like I'm a dramaholic or something. Honestly though when I extended the invitation--or plea, whatever--it was with the idea that this would be good for me. This would help me feel better about being stuck with these two for the time being, but now it was so obvious that JC wasn't the kind of company to soothe this matter over. JC, with his internalized bitterness toward Justin and Justin's solo career that sometimes stepped on the toes of JC's solo career--wasn't going to make things any easier. But he would try. I knew that at least. I knew he would try to be civil. For my sake at least.
Justin was another story though. I could have probably pegged how the old Justin would react to JC's arrival, this one I wasn't sure of. I guess it depended more on how Valerie would react and since she didn't know JC that shouldn't be bad, right? Unless Justin's been talking crap about JC. Though he was quick to come to his defense earlier.
So maybe I was being a crazy person. Maybe this whole thing wasn't nearly the big deal I had turned it into in my head. Maybe everything would be just fine after all.
"What is he doing here?"
My mouth opened and closed several times and still no sound was coming out. JC was just standing there, staring at Justin.
Well, this wasn't the warm greeting that I'd been hoping for.
Valerie was the one who wound up speaking. "Oh, you must be JC." She said, stepping towards him and shaking his hand. "I've heard so much about you. But I must say, you're even cuter in person."
I rolled my eyes at this and almost laughed when I saw Justin do the same. Finding my voice, I said, "I'm sure Justin's said some very lovely things about him, too."
"Almost as lovely as what he's said about you."
Now Valerie and I were the ones staring, glaring at each other.
"Simone, seriously, what is he doing here?" Justin said, looking at me this time as he said it, instead of at JC.
"He's..." Licking my lips, I realized there was no good reason for this. Except maybe I was actually a dramaholic after all.
"I'm here cause she wants me to be here."
Well, there was that, too.
"And so..." He threw his arm over my shoulder and pulled me against his side. "Here I am."
Justin just stared at the two of us. I stopped making eye contact after awhile.
If left up to the three of us, we probably would've stayed in the tension of Justin's stare, JC's declaration and my averted eyes, but it wasn't just up to us. So to help us all out of this moment, Valerie threw in some pep when she said, "Well, the more the merrier, that's what I always say."
"You never say that." Justin said. And while he was still nowhere near happy, at least he wasn't staring at JC and me anymore.
"Well...whatever, you know what I mean." She said frowning at Justin for a moment, before turning back to JC and I. "She was probably just tired of feeling like the third wheel so she invited her boyfriend over."
She'd said boyfriend like it was a challenge. She was snooping, trying to figure out how close me and JC were. Probably hoping that I'd staked my claim to Josh so as to make her feel more secure that I wouldn't try to do so with her husband-to-be.
Before I could say anything, Justin said, "Oh, you two are together? Hmm, I can honestly say I didn't see that one coming."
JC had opened his mouth, probably to correct them, but I was slightly pissed off now--though at this point, not completely sure why--so instead did something stupid. "Actually, we are a couple."
"So what happened to that whole you're going to be alone on Valentine's thing?"
Oh, crap, I'd forgotten I'd said that. "Well...uh, me and JC have been dating for awhile and haven't actually put any labels on it yet, so you never know with these things."
"So then you aren't a couple?"
Valerie was watching Justin as closely as Justin was looking suspiciously at JC and I.
"It's one of those things where you don't even realize you haven't made it official until someone else just blatantly comes out and asks you about it."
I smiled, gratefully at JC for going along with this, though almost as soon as I blurted it out, I'd been thinking he would.
"Yeah, and we'd been a little rocky right before I got here, so that's probably why I said it. But we're good now, right?"
"Better than good, we're great." And he surprised me by ending that sentence with a kiss.
When the kiss broke Valerie looked somewhere between relieved and overjoyed and Justin's face just looked carefully blank like he was shutting down and I was hoping that my face wasn't giving us away.
"Why did you do that?"
Since JC was here now I didn't have to stay over at Justin's anymore and we were currently lounging in a swanky hotel suite. I'd told him he didn't have go this fancy for me and he'd just laughed and said, "everything isn't always about you."
"Did you hear the way he said it? Like...like the idea of us being a couple is completely ridiculous."
"Well, isn't it? Remember that one time you got really drunk and decided to make out with me? Remember how hard we laughed about it the next day when you started to remember what happened?" He laughed just thinking about it. "That was one of the worst kisses of my life, loser."
Shoving him with a smile I said, "Don't worry, freak, that's the first and last time I drink tequila and try to make you 'feel the love tonight.'"
"That had to be the worst Valentine's Day ever."
"Only cause you were a horrible surrogate Valentine."
That Valentine's Day had been my first one without Justin. What would turn out to be five years of avoidance had just begun and I had been determined to spend that day miserable and bitter and drowning myself in plenty of alcohol, chocolates and romantic movies. JC had decided to save me from this spinster attitude by claiming himself as my Valentine and then forcing me to go out and "have some fun." That fun had just led me to get drunk in a new location and apparently try and fail to have a nice drunken make-out session with him.
Oddly enough though, I can't think of a Valentine's Day during those five years that I didn't wind up spending with JC. And not for lack of trying. Somehow whatever relationship I had would fall apart right around that time. Or whatever date I'd thought I'd secured for that day would bail on me at the last moment. And it's not even like JC didn't have dates or girlfriends, but once he knew I was sulking somewhere by myself, he would ditch said date or girlfriend and come running to my side, which didn't pose well for him to have another date with that girl or for that relationship to last.
He'd always joked around that I was the only girl he needed in his life anyways. And mostly, I just laughed and took it for a joke. But sometimes, sometimes, I wondered if that's how he really felt.
Like take now for example. I call him, ask him to drop what he's doing and come see me when I'm on the other side of country and what does he do? He drops everything and comes to me
"Hey, freak, when I called you the other day, you didn't really have any plans did you?"
"Yeah, but it's cool. I can always reschedule."
I opened and closed my mouth several times, not saying a word, but wanting to, wanting to argue with him on that, because I knew not everything could just be rescheduled. And not everything should be rescheduled.
"You know you could have just said no." I said, trying to lessen my own guilt.
"And you know I can't say no to you."
Well, so much for that.
Double date.
It was Valerie's idea of course, but she'd been helped. Because when I'd tried to reject the idea with some lame excuse, Justin had suddenly jumped in extra excitedly as if the idea was the most brilliant thing he'd ever heard. And I'd just scowled at him and he'd just smiled at me and JC hadn't disagreed.
So here I was.
I sit around and wonder
Stuck in a double date that seemed like it was never going to end. Justin and I hadn't said much of anything to each other or anyone. But it almost didn't matter since JC and Valerie were yammering on about something or other and laughing it up, having a good ol' time. Well, at least someone was enjoying themselves, because I certainly wasn't.
I don't know what Justin had done with himself tonight, but I couldn't help looking him over. Over and over again. And I couldn't be sitting here with him looking this good to me and me feeling this horny and be expected to maintain dinner table manners.
About the fire in your eyes
The movement of your fingers
So finally, I decided I just needed to get away from him and them for a minute, so I excused myself to the ladies' room and fortunately Valerie didn't jump up and join me. Though I was almost safe within the restroom when someone did join me. Taking me by the hand and leading, dragging me further into the restaurant, into the back area where I was quite sure customers weren't allowed to be, that someone had turned out to be Justin.
The way you slowly complicate my life
From the time we spent together
Which is what led to our demise
"I know you're Justin Timberlake: International Pop Phenom and all, but I'm pretty sure that sign back there said 'employees only.'"
Speaking as if he couldn't hear me, he said, "Now tell me why he's really here."
And how we never can say never
But I struggle just to make it through most nights
I just frowned at him for a moment, then rolled my eyes and started to walk away and out the way I'd been dragged in, but he must've been on a caveman kick because all he did was drag me back.
"Believe it or not, but free will isn't limited to the y-chromosome carriers."
"Go on your feminism kick another time." He said, looking very serious. "Why is he here?"
But please never change, never change
No please never change, never change
What was I supposed to say to that? He was staring at me so earnestly, asking me so seriously that it seemed like obviously the right answer would be the truth. But the truth was something that I wasn't even sure on yet. Why was JC here? Why had I invited him to come here? Because despite all my trying to appear otherwise, I was one of those women that needed to be saved?
But from what? From Justin? No, he hadn't done much of anything, expect drive me off into the middle of nowhere and frustrate the hell out of me with his penchant for long silences. So what was it exactly?
Could it be January 'cause it feels so cold without you here
Oh you are the sun
I guess I did know. JC was here for this whole lie that I was about to say. For this lie that had seemingly sprouted out of nowhere, but was probably sinisterly lurking in the far corners of my mind, just waiting for its chance. Its chance to pop out and save me from having to be the loser. The one who was alone and god forbid lonely, because I'd run across the country to yell at my former best friend for leaving me without even having the decency to call me and tell me. Or hell e-mail me, even. I'd have taken that. Not happily, but it would've been something. But it was nothing, but a stupid invitation in the mail, which it turned out that he didn't even send, his nosy fiancée had been the one to do that.
Yesterday and everyday seems so plain
Now you're not here, my color's gone
And she'd gotten what she wanted, she gotten to see me in person. Gotten to watch Justin and I together. Gotten to see if there was anything left between us that could come back to bite her in the ass down the road. And since there wasn't, she'd gotten what she wanted. She was satisfied.
I could leave now. She was through with me, it's not like she'd actually needed me to plan the wedding. It was basically already done. She was one of those women who'd planned out her dream wedding years ago, had caterer names on standby, knew the church she wanted, the reception hall she wanted, knew little details like what flavor of cake, what the tables should like, who would be seated where, etc, etc. She'd planned it all.
I guess nobody's got a eyesight
There's nobody got a time
I'm a wedding planner and even I can't imagine being that organized so far ahead of time. I wondered how long it took before she'd started to factor Justin into her little dream wedding, which by the way, I'd seen the price tag and this definitely wasn't going to literally be a little dream wedding.
When this woman dreamed, she dreamed big, huge, lavishly expensive. After seeing how many zeros came after it, I was almost tempted to ask Justin how sure he was about all this based on that alone.
But that's neither here nor there. I knew the reason JC was here and I could finally admit it to myself: This engagement, wedding, soon-to-be marriage was drowning me in green flames and I couldn't think of anything else to do that could possibly get him back for it, other than bringing JC here. Which makes me a horrible, horrible, stupid, horrible person.
But that's not what I said though, because if I had that would've made me really stupid, or too honest, which sometimes is one in the same. What I actually said was, "He's my boyfriend and this is a double date, which you were so giddy to go on. And what kind of question is that anyways? I'm not asking you why your fiancée is here."
So I guess that makes me a horrible, horrible, stupid, horrible person with a side order of lies.
There's nobody got a conscience
"So you're screwing him then?"
He'd taken this just the way I figured he would. He looked so cute, so sexy when he was pissed off. I know, I know, noticing such a thing at such a time makes me a horrible, horrible, stupid, horrible person. I get it.
"What the fuck, Justin? You really need to get out of my face right now." I said, and tried not to be too proud of how well I could do fake indignant.
There's no one to pull us back from this divide
That would have been a perfect time to start moving my feet in the direction of the exit, but did I do this? No, of course not, because being the horrible, horrible, stupid, horrible person with a side order of lies, I couldn't just walk away from this moment that my lies had laid at my feet.
Walking away would allow for cool off time. Cool off time would allow for no passionate kisses, no pushing me against this back room 'employees only' wall and pinning me there, before he proceeded to love me down. And up. And up and down.
I don't want to be an island
I don't want to be confined, oh
And while this horrible, horrible, stupid, horrible, incredibly sexy fantasy ran through my mind, Justin did exactly what I was hoping against and cooled off.
Bet he'd probably done some anger management technique that Valerie had undoubtedly taught him. Not to say that Justin needed anger management, but the old Justin had always been more emotional, more passionate. I'd liked that about him. I guess Valerie hadn't. She probably liked him as this subdued, passive, yes-man. Made me wonder about their sex life...actually, that's something I definitely didn't want to know about.
Just no more days of torture with you preying on my mind
He sighed, running his fingers through his fauxhawk. "Okay, I was outta line with that."
"Ya think."
He frowned at me for that. "But seriously..." He said, his eyes searching mine.
"This is killing you isn't?" I said, eyeing him suspiciously.
"What?"
"The idea of me and him being together...it's killing you. It's eating you apart. You can't stand it."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
I smiled and shook my head. "Of course you don't." I said, walking out again. Stopping I said, "You know, Valerie and him seem to really be hitting it off."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, nothing. Calm down. I was just saying. I had thought she was kinda a bitch earlier, but she's seemed to warmed up a bit now that JC's here and he seems to think she's a decent person, so I guess she must be."
"But my being engaged to her didn't say that?"
And I said
Nothing's gonna change, nothing is gonna change
I shrugged. "You've changed."
Nothing's gonna change, never going to change
"So have you."
No, no, no
And before I could say anything to that, an employee came in and immediately got on us about being in here. When we got back to the table, all the previous chatter had died and JC and Valerie just stared at us as we took our seats.
Could it be January 'cause it feels so cold without you here
Oh you are the sun
JC didn't say anything, just focused on his plate for the rest of the time, but Valerie had suddenly lost her appetite. Justin was definitely getting his ass eaten out tonight. And not in a good way. Not that I knew if he ever enjoyed such a thing to deem that there was a good way for it to be done. I'm just saying.
And there's a cold day coming, won't you keep me warm?
There's a cold day coming 'til you come
As JC began to bury his face in his food, Valerie just sat there looking pissed off. Justin ate as if he didn't have a care in the world and I basically did the same. He even looked up at me once and smiled and winked. I guess that taste of anger had done something good for him. So that alone should take away a least one of the horribles from what a horrible, horrible, stupid, horrible person I am.
There's a cold day coming, won't you keep me warm?
There's a cold day coming 'til you come, Oh
Now I'm just a horrible, horrible, stupid person with a side order of lies. Progress.
Today was the first day that Justin had actually been cold towards me. When I'd first gotten here, he'd just been reserved, quiet. Then yesterday with the whole double date thing he'd gotten heated, though only briefly, and while I now being that I was only a doubly horrible person vs. a triply horrible one, I was glad he had cooled off, but still. I didn't want him to be this cool.
I mean, I'd felt like he was avoiding me a bit before JC even got here, but that had been subtle. This was slap-in-the-face obvious. Now he was walking out of rooms just because I'd walked into it. Now he was suddenly going mute, because I spoke.
Part of me wanted to blame this swift behavior change on whatever Valerie must've said to him after the double date was over and they were alone again. But she wasn't the one acting weird towards me, it was just him. So deciding enough was enough, I asked JC, since he happened to be there at the time, if he would distract Valerie long enough so that I could speak with Justin privately. Though apparently, even this couldn't be done easily.
"Oh, you two want more alone time?"
When I frowned at him and was nearly about to go into an et tu, brute speech, he just smiled and said, "I'm only messing with you. But you should've seen the way Valerie got once the two of you had left the table. She was just so sure that y'all had to be doing something together and couldn't possibly have actually needed to both use the restroom at the same time. She just kept muttering 'how convenient' over and over."
Guess Valerie wasn't going to be through me just yet then.
"And what did you say?"
"The truth." He shrugged, like there could be no other answer. And that's something I'd always liked about him: if you wanted the truth, he was most likely going to give it to you. "Just that y'all two were probably shagging back there."
When my jaw dropped, he just laughed and said, "But if you want me to distract her while you 'chat' with Justin again, sure, loser. Anything for you."
As he walked off in search of Valerie, I just stood there and looked after him. Not sure anymore where he stood on that. Was he joking? Was he serious? A little of both? And if it was either of the last two, was he pissed at me too?
Shit. One thing at a time.
Without even thinking about it really, I figured Justin was in the studio and just immediately went for the basement stairs. Sure, enough he was done there. Fiddling with the buttons. I just watched him for awhile. Justin in his creative world was always fascinating to me. I loved to watch him get lost in it. And right now he was in so deep, he couldn't even hear me slowly creeping down the stairs and though I wasn't stomping or anything, I still wasn't all that light footed.
He'd stopped fiddling with the controls and was now scribbling something onto a pad. For a while there his hand just kept sliding back and forth across the page, without even pausing for a moment. And then slowly whatever creative muse had snatched him up into that whirlwind was letting him go. And for a while he just sat there, then he spun around in the chair and just looked at me for a moment, with no surprise, as if he'd known I was there the whole time, but didn't feel like acknowledging me until now.
"Just wrote this and I don't have the melody entirely right just yet in my head," he said, reaching for a guitar that was nearby. Looked like it was Lucy. But I couldn't be sure, it'd been awhile since the last time I'd seen her and maybe it wasn't, maybe it was newer and he didn't even name his guitars anymore. "But I'm going to play it as is and you can..." Without finishing the sentence, his fingers began to strum and his eyes closed, making all that scribbling he'd just done pretty useless.
And the song he sang was soft and sweet and sad. And loud and bitter and forgiving. But most of all it was tender. Most of all it was us.
But it wasn't us now, it was us then. It was us during those five years of avoidance, and hell, maybe it would be us five years from now. Though as I found myself wiping my eyes a bit, I was hoping like hell it wasn't, or parts of it wasn't. The bad parts. The parts that held us in the past tense.
And when he'd finished, he just put the guitar down, looked at his hands, then looked up at me, sheepishly as if he'd confessed to things he'd hadn't meant to. Then he laughed, softly, rubbing his neck. I laughed too. And just like that the tension between us was gone. Though I think we both knew that was only a temporary thing. We could laugh now, but eventually we would have to talk. But not now, not here and for that I was grateful.
"Since I've been basically forbidden to be alone with you, you wanna go into a more trafficked place? Like the kitchen. I'll make you a sandwich or something."
"That's bullshit," I said, though I could completely understand Valerie's reasoning. But damn, if she was going to have him for the rest of her life, couldn't she spare a few minutes here and there? "But I am kinda hungry and you know how I get when I'm hungry."
He nodded and smiled, smiled that smile that could make me feel okay on the shakiest of days.
As we broke bread together, I could hear JC in the other room keeping Valerie rolling and while he was doing just as I'd asked him to, an indescribable part of me wished he wasn't doing it so well. But one thing at a time, right?
So when Justin handed over my plate, I buried myself in it.
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This chapter featured: Paolo Nutini - January
