June 3rd

I really wanna know why my girlfriend is spending more time with everybody else on this tour than me. Why is she even here again?

Okay, that’s unfair, I’m just having a bitch fit and I know when I’m in more reasonable moods that I like how sociable she is. It’s just hard for me to be able to go sulk in a room somewhere with my girlfriend (or more accurately have her distract me from sulking with various naughty activities in a room somewhere) when she’s off with floppy haired idiot sound techs. Okay, that wasn't fair either. She’s not spending any more time with Luca than anybody else and didn’t I already go through this with myself in earlier entries? Jealousy is the last bastion of the dumb shit. I am not a dumb shit, I’m Justin Timberlake God damn it – I’m supposed to be hot shit. Snap out of it, loser. Gah. I think I’ve just hit another mid tour lull, that’s all. I’ll get over it. We hit Vegas soon enough, that ought to cheer me up if nothing else has in the two weeks ‘til then. Nothing fails to cheer me up like going to the Pussycat Dolls lounge and watching women in tiny clothing. It’s even girlfriend approved because Allie apparently is fine with burlesque joints so long as they have a brand name, heh.

Speaking of my girlfriend, I really wish she was curled up watching this movie with me instead of shopping with my dancers. Doesn’t she have enough fucking shoes already?

“You look about as bored as I am,” Trace yawned loudly, stretching out his limbs.

“Probably because I am as bored as you are,” Luca grouched. “Is there nowhere to go in this hell hole?”

“Since when is Chicago a hell hole?”

“Since everybody in it’s a total bitch. Did you hear that guy in Walgreens this morning? Fucking rude much?”

“You have no room to talk about other people being anti social dude.”

Luca threw one of the sofa cushions at Trace’s head. “At least when I do it it’s just because I’m so cool and aloof. I ain’t just a little bitch.”

“You keep telling yourself that, bitch.”

Trace and Luca both flipped their middle fingers in mock salute at each other before the conversation drifted into a companionable silence. They’d all agreed to meet in Justin’s dressing room for dinner, and at this point they were missing Justin, his mother, his girlfriend and his cousin. Trace had cheerfully noted that it was all the girls; when Luca had pointed out that Justin wasn't a girl, Trace had begged to differ on grounds of moisturising routines.

It had been a quiet kind of day, and Luca had appreciated it up until now. He’d written in his journal, he’d caught up on his e-mails, wasted some time online and read some magazines. Nobody had bugged him or got into his space, he’d had a very pleasant day not doing much of anything. It was a great recharge, and now he was ready to be an actual human being and to interact with people. Even he could only spend so much time alone before craving company.

“Hey y’all,” Allie said as she floated into the room in a cloud of Gucci perfume. Luca wasn't much of a fashion plate, but he suspected the blue dress she was wearing might be the latest Dolce must have. Dolce or Prada or Versace, it was all the same – it’d get her photographed. “Gee, am I early?”

“No, everybody else is just way later than you,” Trace said with a sigh as he propped his feet on the coffee table. “Did Lynn say when she was coming?”

“Last I saw Lynn she was headed for the shower and that was an hour ago,” Allie shrugged as she nestled herself onto the sofa between them. “So we decided what we’re eating yet boys? I’m starved.”

“Lord help us,” Trace groaned. At Luca’s quizzical look, he elaborated. “This woman lives on rabbit food, except when she tells you she’s starved which means she’s about to pack away more food than you ever saw a guy twice her size eat. It’s freakish but it’s like a train wreck, you can’t help the watching.”

“You sure you’re not just perving on her lips or something? I read somewhere that fixating on a woman’s mouth means you want her.”

“And I read somewhere that peeling labels off of beer bottles the way you do means you’re sexually frustrated.”

At this Allie’s gaze hit Luca’s with an amused expression; all he could do was amiably shrug his shoulders. “I was never denying that.”

“Well you could have gone out with Cheryl you know, I offered.”

“No I couldn’t.”

“Couldn’t what?” Trace sounded confused.

“I offered to hook him up with Cheryl and he said no.”

“WHAT?” The high pitched yelp still had a Southern drawl to it. “Cheryl’s fucking hot! How could you?”

“Eh, she didn’t do it for me,” Luca replied, After all, it wasn't a lie – Cheryl seemed perfectly pleasant enough (he did appreciate her sarcasm) but alas, she suffered the fatal flaw of not being male enough for him.

“How could she not do it for you? Are you gay?”

Trace had only been joking, but Luca felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach. Normally he brushed such comments off. They were only ever meant in jest and didn’t normally mean his secret was out. The problem wasn't what he had said but the way Allie had reacted. It was almost imperceptible – she was a consummate actress after all – but he had caught the little lift of her eyebrow and the little twitch of her lip. That was the expression that gave it all away; it was the signal that told you the idea had been planted and the person opposite you was now re-evaluating everything you’d ever said or done in their presence, looking for confirmation of their new found suspicion.

That was the last thing he needed.

June 5th

Fuck my life is awkward. I’m now wondering if maybe I should have just come right out at the start of this tour instead of hiding it. It’s not like I hide it on every tour I go on, it’s just… I think it was the whole JT thing. Some straight guys get worried about you having the hots for them, and you can’t always work out in advance which ones it’ll be. Sometimes the people you expect to be weird about it treat it like it’s nothing unusual (which I really appreciate, how normal they keep it with me) and then some people you always thought would be cool with it just freak to the extreme. Normally that doesn’t concern me so much, I take the ‘screw you’ stance with anyone who chooses to have a problem with me, but I think this time because I did have a thing for JT I just didn’t want to run the risk of him being one of those guys.

Avoiding Allie would have totally convinced her that her suspicion was right, but being around her is painful right now because I am watching every little thing I say. I’m not suddenly acting like a Neanderthal and talking about women like I want to bend every chick I meet over a chair, that’s always a dead giveaway when thou dost protest too much. I’m trying to keep it all normal and breezy but fuck, I’m not exactly breezy when I am feeling normal about shit. My problem is that I don’t know who she would or wouldn’t tell if I confirmed it to her, and the problem is that after hiding it so long if it comes out people are going to ask why I was hiding it. That could get awkward. I don’t particularly want to explain to Allie that I like the idea of sleeping with Justin as much as she does; we only just got to a point where we’re friends (okay, she was there way before I was, but I kind of like her now).

It’s weird reading back over these entries – at the beginning of the tour they were so mundane and boring and now they’re just angst.I hate to admit it to myself, but pretty much the entire source of said angst is the fact that I didn’t tell people I was gay. I mean, it’s not like I’d have made an announcement over the tannoy, but it could have been public domain. Chalk it up to a lesson learned, I guess, the closet is not a helpful place to be but since I made my bed in it I’ll just have to stay there for the rest of the tour.

***

Justin was having one of those nights where he desperately wanted to say something but had no idea how or even if he should. From the way his girlfriend kept heaving little sighs to herself, he knew that she was having one too. For being an actress, she was even less subtle than he was.

The show had gone well, and because he’d been so tired they had gone straight up to bed instead of going out partying with the rest of the crew. Well, he had been tired; he suspected that Allie just wasn't in the mood for a crowd. He could relate to that. Normally when they had alone time like this, they would be snuggled up with a movie or soaking in a bath together or having sex. At the very least, he’d expect some cuddling. But now they were sitting on the bed with a good few inches of space between them; his arms were crossed somewhat huffily over his chest and hers were wrapped defensively around her knees. It wasn't a good sign.

“J?” It figured. She was always the one who cracked first.

“Yeah?”

“You ever have one of those thoughts that’s kind of eating you alive but you’re not sure how good an idea it is to tell anybody about it?”

“Yep.”

“What did you do?”

“Told my momma.”

“Hmm.” Her eyebrows furrowed and slight scowl set itself across her forehead – obviously this had not been the flash of inspiration she wanted from him. Still, he knew he only had to give it another minute or two before she started elaborating. Usually she’d given him the whole story before she even realised she had.

“On an entirely separate note…” Damn, maybe he was wrong about that. “Are you mad at me?”

“What? No,” he lied.

“You’ve just been kind of pouting that’s all. Is something else wrong?” Allie breached the gap to brush her fingers on his arm. Her touch acted as a kind of puncture – all the tension and energy he’d been using to keep himself worked out started dribbling out of the spot where she’d made contact.

“I mean, we haven’t really spent enough time together but that’s not a big thing, I guess I’m just kind of bored of the tour right now.”

“If you don’t have any interviews tomorrow we could go out, just us,” she suggested.

“Good plan.”

He smiled wearily, turning to face her. The gap was still there, but his body language was at least a little more engaged and she took comfort from it. Allie’s head tipped sideways a little, scrutinising him. She knew as she always did that something else was bothering him, but she had learned the hard way that Justin didn’t appreciate being needled and he would tell her when he felt like telling her.

“So what’s bugging ya?” he asked her.

“I asked you first,” she poked him lightly.

“I already answered.”

“Quality not quantity…” she paused for a big yawn. Her muscles had relaxed a little too much and now she was beginning to feel sleepy. “But if you must know, Luca.”

“Luca?” Justin felt the muscles in his back go rigid.

“Yeah, I… I have a feeling about him, but I can’t really ask him because if he says no it’ll be the most embarrassing thing ever and also it’s not my business anyway.”

Struggling to maintain a neutral façade and keep his jealous temper in check, he gritted his teeth and tried to look nonchalant. “Well what could be so embarrassing?”

“Do you think Luca’s gay?” She asked.

“Hadn’t thought about it. Why do you?” Well he could honestly say that was NOT what he had been expecting at all. Still, on the bright side, score one huge win for Justin Timberlake – if his girlfriend believed the guy was gay she certainly wasn't going to be running after him.

“I just… he’s never dated or even hooked up once on this tour. He never seems to look at girls like you or Trace do…”

“Hey, I’m only looking at you!”

“Do you think I was born yesterday?” She snorted. “It’s just… he seems kind of reserved and secretive anyway, he never shows any interest in women and you mention the word ‘gay’ around him and I swear he twitches.”

“Twitches?” Now Justin was just starting to think this was funny. She was getting high pitched and wide eyed over a theory built on very shaky foundations. Luca may not have looked at too many women on tour but Justin couldn’t say he’d ever caught him looking at men either.

“Make fun of me Timberlake and you can forget getting laid for the next week.” Allie glared at him petulantly. She was beginning to regret voicing this thought at all.

“Babe, I just think you’re looking for intrigue where there is none. This is what’s been, quote, ‘eating you alive’ unquote?”

“Well when you say it like that it sounds dumber than it did in my head.”

“If he’s gay he’s gay, big whoop. Don’t worry your pretty little head over it.” Scooting over, he pulled Allie into a more horizontal position next to him and wrapped his arms around her, pushing one set of fingers through her hair and kissing the crown of her head.

June 10th

Well, my tenure on the Justin Timberlake tour is officially over.

It’s officially over after my fucking asshole of a sperm donor decided now was the time to partake in active parenting. He cornered me outside the venue and in full earshot of most of the dancers and Trace blasted my ear out about what a pervert I am and how I’m going to Hell and how dare I besmirch his Christian name by being gay. Turns out the reason he’s been calling more often than usual is because somebody saw me on Facebook, where I am out of the closet. Now I wish I’d taken the fucking calls, at least then he wouldn’t have been moved to come find me in person. I hadn’t even thought about the fact that we were running through St Louis and that he lives there, or that my schedule is also on Facebook where I’ve been keeping a running tab of the cities we’re at.

I told him he’d besmirched his own name by being a deadbeat loser of a father and he punched me. He broke my nose, he broke my secret, and then had the fucking nerve to tell me that Grandpa dying last night was because God was punishing me for being gay and my mother for bearing a freak son. I hadn’t even known Grandpa had died, Mom didn’t want to call me until after she’d helped Grandma and done the paperwork at the hospital. I know way better than that bastard what Grandpa thought of me being gay, he didn’t like it but he put it aside and just accepted me as his grandson, I just… I can’t help reacting to it when he says it, I know it’s not true but it fucking burns. On the bright side, at least I got to watch Randy manhandle his pathetic carcass out of there. I thought dumping him on his ass outside the fence was a particularly nice touch.

So I’m out of here. Mostly because I just want to go home and help Mom and Grandma, a little bit because a couple of hours in the ER later and I don’t want to be seen looking like this (my face is purple), but mostly because I can’t face the whispers. I can’t face the pity either. I haven’t been man enough to face Justin, but his mom was real nice about it. I just… fuck. Of all the ways for it to come out, it had to come out this way? Through him?

If I was braver I’d be back to work after the funeral and everything but... maybe Mom had a point when she said I’m a loner because I can’t be rejected if I do the rejecting.