She’s not a girly-girl. She doesn’t beat around the bush. She’s tough. I get that.
But goddamn, she can be a bitch.
Don’t get me wrong… I’m not trying to say she is bitch. I’m saying she can be a bitch. There’s a difference.
What she said out there on the patio… that shit really pissed me the fuck off. It’s not like I’m completely unaware of the fact that I come off a little strong when it comes to the people I care about, but why’d she have to go and say that?
Kinda looking back on it, yeah… I’ve gone to her for a lot “reassurance”, as she so lovingly put it. But she never said anything about it. She never hinted off the idea that maybe I was asking for a little too much support. And what the fuck? Is there anything as “too much support”? If there is, well then fuck me. I never knew it was a crime to ask for some goddamn “reassurance”.
Fuck, maybe I really am a pussy like Trace said. Maybe I’m really overbearing and that’s why none of my past relationships have ever worked out. Or maybe I’m being too damn sensitive. Either way, this shit’s fucked up.
“Hey, you okay?” I hear Rachael call out to me as we make our way to the elevators. A part of me wants to just go back to my room to and chill so I can release some of this anger, but I’ve waited too damn long to see my family to just hoe them out like that… regardless of how pissed I may be right now.
“Nah, I’m cool,” I respond with a small shrug. I see Rachael cast a glance over to Trace and I know they’re not buying my bullshit. But the thing is, they know that when I’m ready to talk, I will. But for now, I just want to kick back for a minute with the people I know can really let loose with…maybe they can give me the “reassurance” I need.
Damn it, this shit is really fucking with me.
“Sooo,” Trace lets out heavily, “… where’s your girl at?”
The question causes me to tense as we get into the elevator and I turn quickly to punch the floor button. My eyes catch a glimpse of Rachael whose eyebrows are raised in curiosity as I roll my neck.
“Outside,” I answer shortly, not really ready to vent just yet. Trace clicks his tongue as the elevator begins to move.
“Ahhh, so that’s what’s buggin’ you. What? Trouble already? Is she a lesbian?” I shake my head at his lame attempt to get me talking.
“It’s nothing,” I brush off, hoping he just drops the subject. The last thing I want to do is spend the whole day complaining about how the girl I’ve been digging practically told me I was a needy pussy.
“Yeah, that’s convincing,” Rachael laughs lightly as we reach our floor and the elevator door opens. As we exit the elevator and turn the corner, I open my mouth to speak but snap it back shut when I’m met with a face that I’m not too keen on seeing right now.
“Oh! Uhm, hi. I was just- I,” she stutters over her words, stopping just short of me, her eyes bouncing between mine, Trace, and Rachael’s before settling on just me. “…I was looking for you.”
I look away for a moment and clear my throat. “Why, what’s up?”
I catch the flash of confusion on her face before she catches on to the fact that I don’t really want to play nice right now, and I have to admit I do feel a little bad.
“Uh, nothing,” she starts slowly before pursing her lips into a smile. “It’s uhm.. it’s nothing. I’ll see you later. Sorry to bother you.”
With one last small smile, I inwardly groan as I watch her scurry around the corner. I look to Trace and am met with a bored look. He shakes his head at me before dropping his bag and jogging around the corner back towards the elevators.
“Hey! Hey, wait up!” I hear him yell and before I know it, I’m taking long strides back toward the elevator myself. As I round the corner, I stop short of the sight in front of me.
“Yeah?” she timidly asks, wringing her hands together as if someone were about to ask her if she had just witnessed a murder scene.
“Tanith, right?” Trace asks coolly. I see Tantih turn to glance at me quickly before bringing her attention back to Trace.
“Mhmm. Hi,” she nods in reply, sticking her hand out to him. Trace casts me a look before taking a hold of Tanith’s hand and shaking it.
“Yeah, I thought I recognized you. You’re the chick that was breaking it down with J at the club after the first show, right?”
I see a tiny sense of relief come over Tanith as she lowers her head to laugh quietly. “Uhm, yeah. That was me.”
“Girl, you gotta teach me some of those moves!” I hear Rachael blurt out from behind me. I look back at her with wide eyes as she shrugs. What the hell is going on here?
“Hey, why don’t you come chill with us?” Trace asks nonchalantly as I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from cussing him the fuck out.
“Uh,” Tanith begins to respond unsteadily, her eyes shifting between Trace and me. “… I, I don’t know…”
“Dude, leave her alone,” I call out jokingly, hoping to ease some of the awkwardness and tension; but the fucker just flips me off.
“Naw, c’mon. We were just gonna chill in Justin’s room. Besides, we already know everything about him. He’s boring.”
Tanith shakes her head politely. “I don’t want to intrude.”
“Trust me, you’d be doing us a favor,” Rachael smartly interjects, now standing next to me. Alright, for real. What is this bullshit?
“Well,” Tanith starts off before catching my eye, “… if that’s okay?”
I know that the question holds a lot more bearing than it’s coming off as, but I feel like I’m trapped. If I say no, then I’m an asshole. But if I say yes, the opportunity to chill out and vent and come down from my anger is shot to hell and I’ll be acting like an asshole the whole time she’s there.
Fuck.
“Sure,” I grit out through my teeth. “Why not…”
“Great! Let’s go,” Trace chimes with a grin, while slinging an arm over Tanith’s shoulder and leading her to my room.
Fucking great.
Upon reaching my room, I fight the urge to slam the door as Trace, Tanith, and Rachael make their way into the sitting room of the suite, leaving me behind to drag the suitcases in myself. Bitches…
I hear a loud laugh resound in the next room and a part of me sinks. I know that this trip was mainly for Trace and Rach to get to know Tanith but now everything’s fucked up. Now there’s tension and I can’t focus on anything but what she said earlier. And the more I think about it, the more I just want to lash out and ask her what the fuck her problem is.
God, I need to figure out how to get over this and fast.
“Yo, J! Did you know that?!” Trace yells out to me as I make my way into the other room where they’ve all settled into a cordial seating arrangement, with Trace kicked back on the sofa and Rachael and Tanith in the loveseat. With no choice, I plop down into the open armchair.
“Know what?” I sigh, trying my best to just keep my cool.
“T’s surfed in Papara, dude!” he exclaims with a chuckle. My mind reels at the fact that he’s already calling her ‘T’ before something more important hits me as I shoot my eyes over to Tanith. She never even told me that she surfs.
“Yeah, well it wasn’t so much ‘surfed’ as it was ‘ate it’,” she laughs. “I’m surprised I didn’t die. I’m pretty sure that I fractured some part of my body by the end of the day from wiping out so much.”
“You never told me you surf,” I go back to the initial topic, still somewhat flabbergasted that I didn’t know that trivial bit of information. I watch her with curious eyes as she just shrugs.
“It never came up.”
“Damn girl, Papara? I heard that the waves over there are insane,” Rachael quips and I know that she’s already impressed. And although a tiny part of me perks up at the seal of approval, I’m still hung up on the fact that I didn’t even know Tanith could surf… and really well might I add.
“Seriously, T,” Trace nods in agreement, “… you must really know how to ride then, huh’?”
“My dad was always big on surfing, especially after my mom died. So I kind of grew up on it,” she nonchalantly explains as my mind draws a blank.
What? Her mom died? Why do I not fucking know this?
“Wait, what?” I ask, my tone getting a little louder. I feel like I don’t even know this fucking girl right now.
She looks at me expectedly, like she’s mentioned it to me in passing a million times. “Yeah, when I was 4.”
My mind spins and I can’t even formulate words to respond. Trace and Rachael are looking at me as if I’d lost my mind, and I feel my muscles tense up again. Why… why do I not know this?
Did she tell me? Did I just forget? Was I not listening? Did I fall asleep?
“I uh, I didn’t know that,” I answer dumbly while trying my best to wrap my head around all this information. This combined with everything that went on this morning is too much and I find myself suddenly feeling overwhelmed.
“Dude, are you okay?” Trace questions as I shake my head.
“Yeah,” I let out as I stand from my chair, “…I’m gonna get some air real quick.”
My strides are hurried as I make my way to the French doors leading into the balcony right outside my suite. I feel myself take a deep breath as I push through the doors and am greeted by the warm sun and fresh air.
Fuck. What is going on with me?
After taking a couple minutes to take some deep breaths and clear my thoughts, I hear the sound of flip-flops and the quiet click of the door being shut. And although I can feel her there, I keep my eyes on the glistening ocean view in front of me.
“Hey…” she greets softly, my back still to her. A few seconds of silence pass between us before she apologizes. “I’m really sorry.”
The words cause me to shift my gaze to my hands that are gripping the railing of the balcony as I shake my head slightly, more to myself than to her. I hear her footsteps coming toward me and from the corner of my eye, I can see her lean against the railing next to me. I know she’s waiting for me to say something, but I don’t even know what I’m thinking right now.
Feeling like I need some distance, I turn around and make my way to the lounge chair seated in the corner of the balcony. As I take a seat, I bring a hand up to rub the back of my head in an attempt to regain some focus and perspective.
“Please say something,” she lets out almost dejectedly. I lick my lips before looking up at her, squinting because the sun is so bright.
“I don’t know what to say, T,” I answer truthfully, shrugging. Her eyes quickly move from mine to the scene of the beach down below.
“Look, I know what I said earlier was really bitchy and maybe even a little bit harsh, but I meant what I said,” she replies softly but firmly.
“I know,” I agree. “But that doesn’t make it okay.”
“I know,” she responds back. “And I apologize if I offended you.”
“And I accept your apology, but that still doesn’t make it okay,” I fight back. I watch as she flips her head back towards me.
“Well, what do you want then, Justin?” she asks with a heavy sigh. “I apologized and you accepted, but that still doesn’t make things okay. So tell me, what do you want?”
“I want to know why I didn’t know you surfed,” I began steadily, “…I want to know why I didn’t know that your mom died. That’s what I want, Tanith.”
“Because those things never came up, Justin!” she answers, annoyed.
“Exactly,” I point out sharply. She narrows her eyes at me and shakes her head furiously.
“What? What do you mean, ‘exactly’?!” My temperature rises as she fails to understand what I’m trying to say.
“You know why I come to you for so much ‘reassurance’, T?” I wait for her to reply but am met with silence and angry eyes. “Because you never come to me.”
“Wha-”
“No,” I cut her off forcefully, pushing myself out of the chair and walking the short distance between us so I can really look at her while I try to make her understand. “You know, you never open up to me. You never tell me about your past or about anything remotely significant in your life. We’ve doing this thing for what? A month now? I’ve been trying really hard to just let it roll and not be too serious about this shit; and yeah, I know we haven’t even been on a fucking date or kissed, but goddammit T, we’re with each other every day!”
I feel myself panting by the end of my tirade as I search her eyes for some type of reaction; but she just shakes her head and looks away.
“I’m not that type of girl, Justin. You know that. I can’t just pour my soul out to you.”
“Why not?” I challenge. It takes a few seconds before her eyes crash back into mine.
“Because I just can’t.”
Before I know what’s happening, she’s walking across the balcony and back into the suite as I’m left alone again. And as I look back to the ocean for some sense of calm and understanding, I suddenly become aware of something that I, or she for that matter, never bothered to recognize...
Maybe she’s the one who needs reassurance.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Soooo... took a little longer than I thought.
Anyways, here's the 2nd part to Reassurance... hope you enjoy! And thanks again for all the great feedback !
Anyways, here's the 2nd part to Reassurance... hope you enjoy! And thanks again for all the great feedback !
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