“Why are you taking his side?” I question with a tired sigh. As much as I miss him, I’m not at all appreciating what he’s been implying for the past half an hour.
“Honey, I’m not taking his side,” he argues back with a chuckle. “… I think you just need to think about it a little; you know, from his perspective.”
“Dad, he’s overreacting! Jesus, he freaked out because he didn’t know I could surf!” I shriek into the phone.
“Tan, maybe he just feels like you’re guarding yourself. You know you tend to do that…” he tries to reason with me gently. “Remember all those times we went for ice cream?”
Even though I know he’s half joking, I can’t help but frown at the memory. When I was little, my dad used to bribe me with ice cream to get me to talk. Whether I had fallen off my bike and gotten hurt or just to ask me how my day was at school, he always had to work for my thoughts and words. My own father had to persuade me to talk.
What does that say about me?
Sure it’s different now; I grew up and realized that he’s the only man that will never judge me, leave me, or hurt me. But with other people, be it a man or a woman, I can’t get deep. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I grew up without that motherly figure for the majority of my life to teach me how to open up. Maybe it’s a subconscious disconnection thing. Or maybe I just wasn’t born with that affectionate, sensitive gene; but at this point, it doesn’t really matter. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not like other girls. I can’t cry just to cry and I can’t sit down and have those meaningful heart-to-hearts. It’s just not me.
And that’s what Justin can’t understand.
I mean for a guy, Justin’s so sensitive. And I don’t mean that in a mean or condescending way, but he is. He really loves to let out those emotions and communicate them, and quite ironically, it’s one of things that I really like about him. But when he flips the switch and turns it on me, that’s when I get irritated.
I just can’t do it. I physically, cannot do it.
Of course I want to be able to have those cute, tender moments but it’s not in me. Hell, I rarely have them with my dad. I can’t even fathom the thought of having them with Justin. At least not yet… or maybe even ever, for that matter.
Oh God, what have I gotten myself into?
“I just don’t think he gets it,” I sigh. Silence falls over the line and I practically see my dad sitting on the patio, watching the waves and pursing his lips.
“I just don’t think he gets you, honey,” he breathes out as I look down and pick at my fingernails with my free hand.
“Guess not,” I say, shaking my head slowly to myself, not really knowing how I feel about the situation. I check my watch and clench my jaw as I close my eyes for a brief moment. “I gotta get going…”
“Time for you to bump and grind with the superstar?” he asks and I can hear him smirking.
“DAD!” I yell into the phone with wide eyes, half shocked and half disgusted. “Don’t say stuff like that! It’s gross.”
“Agh, you act like I’ve never seen you perform, Tanny. Don’t think that just because I’m old, I don’t know what goes on over there. A father always knows,” he wisely states and I scoff with a laugh because he’s just so ridiculous.
“Isn’t it a mother who always knows?” I ask, correcting his attempt of a quote.
“Oh, don’t worry… I’m sure your mother knows, too. I’m sure she looks down on you and smiles proudly at the fact her daughter is half naked on a stage in front of thousands of people, dirty dancing with some sex-driven musician.”
“Gee, thanks dad,” I sarcastically reply. I know he’s completely joking and that he really is proud of me, but he always puts in his two cents about my “career choice” when he gets the chance. I think it’s a parental thing.
“Alright, honey. Well, get down tonight… or however the hell you kids say it these days,” he sighs.
“Dad, do me a favor?” I ask meekly.
“What, Tanny?”
“Do not ever, say anything like that again,” I firmly push out. He chuckles loudly over the line and I find myself smiling gently. I miss him.
“Have a good show and think about what I said, okay?”
“Thanks, and I will. Bye, daddy,” I sign off tenderly, knowing that he loves it when I call him ‘daddy’ because it reminds him of mom.
“Bye, Tanny,” he gets out before I hit the end button. Giving my phone one last glance before pushing myself up off the steps of the bus, I make my way back into the arena to get ready for tonight’s show.
As I make my way through the door and into the spacious building, I smile silently as I pass by some of the crew setting up and double-checking wires and microphones and lights. Making my way into the hallway leading to all the dressing rooms, I hear my name being called out behind me.
“T! Wait up!” I stop mid-step and look back to see Trace jogging towards me. I smile tightly at him, not really wanting to talk considering all the shit that went down this afternoon that I’m sure Justin filled him in on after I rushed out on them.
“Hey girl,” he drawls out when he reaches me. I offer him a smile and start moving again.
“Hey, what’s up?” I ask naturally, shooting him a glance. I see him shrug his shoulders and stick his hands in his pockets. The action reminds me of Justin and I fight the urge to let out a small laugh. God, they could be twins if they didn’t look like complete opposites.
“Nothing. Justin’s getting ready for sound-check and I’m bored,” he sighs. I narrow my eyes at him as we continue to make our way down the long hall.
“Where’s Rachael?” I ask curiously.
“Off somewhere, glued to her cell and laptop doing stuff for work,” he responds, disinterested. I feel him hesitate before continuing. “So hey, are you alright?”
I fight the urge to roll my eyes and quickly nod at his question. It’s not that I don’t like Trace, but I’m just really not in the mood for this. “Yeah. Why?”
“Naw, you just- I don’t know, you left kinda quick after you went out and talked to J. I thought maybe he’d said something to piss you off or something,” he explains and my attitude slightly shifts. Is he… is he taking my side?
“No, he didn’t piss me off,” I start as we round the corner into another long hallway and I give my words a second thought. “…okay, maybe he pissed me off a little; but I just wanted to get out of there before I said something that I’d regret. And plus, I didn’t want to be rude.”
“Eh’, it’s hard to be rude to me and Rach” Trace nonchalantly states and I have to laugh.
“Yeah, well I’m sure you guys didn’t fly all the way out here to sit in Justin’s room all awkward and shit while he sits there and pouts.”
“Trust me, it wouldn’t have been the first time,” Trace laughs as we reach the dressing room and we both stop short of the door.
“Why am I not surprised,” I laugh back lightly. An uncomfortable silence falls between us before Trace breaks it.
“He pushes a lot,” he let’s out in a tone that sounds way too serious for him. My eyes crinkle in confusion and I shake my head slightly as Trace sighs. “He’s stubborn like that… always wants things his way on his time.”
“Yeah, I’ve noticed,” I try to joke, hoping to ease some of the seriousness of the conversation; but Trace doesn’t let up.
“Just, cut him some slack, alright? He’s a good guy,” he smiles weakly. God, he really is his best friend. I bite my lip before pursing my lips in a small smile and nodding.
“I’ll try.”
Trace smiles back at me before reaching out for one of my hands and giving it a small squeeze. “Thanks, T.”
I watch as he releases my hand and turns to walk back down the hall in the opposite direction. I try to piece together what just happened and if Justin maybe had something to do with this little conversation, but I quickly rule that out when I think back to what Trace said. Justin would never admit to being stubborn.
“Tanith! Where have you been?! Wardrobe! Now!” I hear Dana yell frantically to me as she pushes me into the dressing room; and suddenly I remember that I have to put on a show in front of thousands of people, with total disregard of all the drama that ensued earlier today.
This should be fun.
This sucks. This absolutely, fucking sucks.
I’m working my ass off to do my routines as naturally as possible, but I just can’t focus. And even though I know the audience can’t tell, I know I’m off. It’s not that I’m missing steps or anything, but I just feel off. I’m not moving like I want to, my internal beat isn’t what it usually is, and I can’t help but notice that he keeps looking and glancing at me every damn chance he gets.
It’s usually either between songs or when we’re walking towards each other or whenever I touch him in any way, but he’s giving me these looks… these intense eyes that are just screaming, ‘I don’t understand you’ or ‘Why won’t you let me in’. It’s like he’s trying to communicate with me without talking.
Fuck, maybe I’m just paranoid. I don’t know. Either way, it’s throwing me off and I don’t like it.
As I make my way through the little makeshift tunnel leading to the stage, I try to brush off my irritation and regain some concentration. I hear the second verse of My Love approaching and I roll my shoulders and neck one last time as I hear my cue.
“Drop.That Shit. Right…"
I hop up the stairs as I hear Justin yell the transition into the song and suddenly I’m up under the bright lights, falling into my routine. The loud music triggers a familiar feeling in my body but before I can get too comfortable, I feel a strong hand grab my hip and swing me to my side. I’m thrown off for a second, but I fall right back into it when I realize that I’m dancing face to face with Justin.
"Now, if I wrote you a love note
And made you smile with every word I wrote (what would you do?)
Would that make you want to change your scene
And wanna be the one on my team (tell me, would you?)
See, what's the point of waiting anymore?
Cause girl I've never been more sure (that baby, it's you)
This ring here represents my heart
And everything that you've been waiting for (just say "I do")
As I continue with the routine, a little disoriented by my change of direction, I stare at him with wide eyes wondering the fuck he’s trying to pull in front of all these people. He gives me a look before spinning around and walking to the center of the stage to do his routine with the guys as I make my way to the side of the stage with the other girls.
Caylee gives me a quick, questioning look and I shake my head at her with a forced smile as I start my series of moves. Trying my best to regain composure, I keep on dancing as the words really begin to pierce my ears.
Yeah, because
I can see us holding hands
Walking on the beach, our toes in the sand
I can see us on the countryside
Sitting on the grass, laying side by side
You could be my baby, let me make you my lady
Girl, you amaze me
Ain't gotta do nothing crazy
See, all I want you to do is be my love
(So don't give away) My love
(So don't give away) My love
(So don't give away) Ain't another woman that can take your spot, my love
(So don't give away) My love
(So don't give away) My love
(So don't give away) Ain't another woman that can take your spot, my love
Ooooh, girl
My love
My love
The music verves off as Justin moves into his solo dance break, and I watch him as best I can while keeping up with my own choreography. And even though I’m on the side of the stage, beneath the dark lights, I can feel his eyes on me. My thoughts run a mile a minute as I try to grasp what’s happening right here on stage.
When the music cues back into the song, we meet in the middle of the stage and as Justin sings, he swings me back towards his way again, giving me a deep look… as if he were asking me to really listen because what he’s saying means something.
And suddenly, a new feeling hits me. Something strong but soft; and I can’t help but look back silently into his eyes as I smooth a hand over his chest and stop right over his heart.
I stare at him intently while still being mindful that I have to look natural and that this is actually part of the routine. And while a part of me wants to run off stage, another part of me itches to just reach up and grab his face and lay a deep, hard kiss in front of all these fucking people.
And I almost do it, but he breaks away as he starts to sing the chorus one last time.
I can see us holding hands
Walking on the beach, our toes in the sand
I can see us on the countryside
Sitting on the grass, laying side by side
You could be my baby, let me make you my lady
Girl, you amaze me
Ain't gotta do nothing crazy
See, all I want you to do is be my love
(Love) My love
(Love) My love
(Love) Ain't another woman that can take your spot, my love
(Love) My love
(Love) My love
(Love) Ain't another woman that can take your spot, my love
His smoldering gaze continues to penetrate my body as he turns me towards the audience and wraps an arm around me as we start to dance together as if we were at the club, just the two of us. And even though I know that this is wrong on some level, I can’t help but fall back against him a little bit and move with him. My skin tingles as his body presses against mine while he sings into the microphone, and I can feel the tip of his lips graze my ear. Though his words resound harshly and loudly over throughout the arena, they feel soft and tender in my ear. Like they’re meant just for me.
Ooooh, girl
My love
My love
Looveeeee, yeaaahhhh…”
As the song comes to an end, I reluctantly breakaway from Justin as he gives me one last look and I lick my lips, waving to the audience before disappearing back underneath the stage; and for some reason, instead of coming down from my performance, I feel like I’m on a high. Because for a second, I think I just felt a spark of something deep.
And for the first time in my life, I feel myself starting to crack.
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