I need to get out of this… fast.
“So, Tanith…” I hear Trey trail off playfully towards me. Fucking hell. My eyes unwillingly glide over to Trey’s as he wiggles his eyebrows at me suggestively.
“Pass,” I respond quickly, taking a quick swig of the Corona in my hand as I bring my legs up onto the couch and against my chest so I’m balled up. Hopefully this position will send out the message that I really don’t want to answer the damn question.
“Pass?!” Caylee squeals. “Oh, c’mon Tan-Tan! Tell us!”
“Oh, you know it had to be freaky if she doesn’t even wanna say!” Trey laughs out, reaching over the small distance between us to slap at my folded legs. I roll my eyes at him as I flip him off.
“Yeah, I could see T being a freak in the sheets… you’re kinky, aren’t you T?” Marty presses. I feel my face flush and keep my eyes glued to my knees, and when I don’t answer, everyone starts howling and letting out catcalls. “You are! T’s fff-fff-ffffreaakky!”
I lick my lips and shake my head in slight mortification before taking another drink of my beer. Good God, could this get any worse?
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who’s freaky?!” Justin inquires excitedly, making his presence known on the bus.
Goddammit, fucking motherfucker shit.
“T’s got some kinky shit that she doesn’t want us to know about, man!” Trey calls me out and I groan loudly, wrapping my arms around my legs to bring them tighter against my body as I press my head into my knees so no one can see my strawberry red face.
“Realllyyy now?” I hear Justin curiously ask, not even having to look to see that smug little smirk on his face. A thought runs through me and my head snaps up in defense.
“Oh please, you know it wasn’t with you.” I see Justin’s face flush in mild shock and embarrassment for a quick moment when everyone starts ‘ooh-ing’ and ‘ah-ing’, and I grin in small victory.
“Damn J, T just called you OUT man!” Marty laughs, giving him a slight shove and Justin sways slightly from the force before a challenging look comes over his features.
“Who then?” he simply asks and my silly little smile falters.
“What?”
“Who were you kink’ing it up with, T?” Justin asks, folding his arms and leaning against the small counter behind him, that mischievous smirk reappearing. I grit my teeth at him and raise my eyebrow.
“None of your business,” I bite back in response.
“Girl, you don’t have to tell us who! Just give us the details!” Caylee argues and I turn my head to her slowly and give her a pressing look because she’s obviously not helping the situation.
I don’t know how or when 20 Questions became a game of What’s-The-Best-Sex-You’ve-Ever-Had. Probably somewhere between what has already been a long-ass of a bus ride and the fact that we’re not even stopping anytime soon. Not that the ride from Los Angeles to Texas is drastic, but I think everyone’s just starting to feel the wear and tear of being on the road. So Trey and Caylee suggested to ease the time by having a couple drinks and playing stupid games… some kind of “get to know each other better” bullshit. We only spend every waking minute together, but I guess that’s not quite enough time to get to know each other.
“I said pass,” I shrug, taking another gulp of my beer. Everyone’s eyes continue to focus on me as if I were to magically change my mind and answer the question.
“C’mon, T… I wanna know what kind of shit you’re into,” Ryan winks at me. My eyes grow wide as everyone bursts into laughter because out of all the dancers, Ryan’s the quietest…and I don’t think anyone expected him to say something so bold or so crass.
“Shit man, even Ry’s interested!” Frankie chuckles while giving Ryan a high-five. “Now you have to tell us, T.”
“Do you want me to break your legs so you can never dance again, pretty boy?” I challenge. He throws me a look and laughs.
“Ohh, kitty likes to scratch…” I shake my head with a smile before casting a quick glance to Justin who’s been relatively quiet. Our eyes meet for a second before a voice catches my attention.
“She’s never done it.”
It takes a second for the words to process in my brain because I can’t believe she actually had the gall to say them. My gaze locks on Morgan, who has taken it upon herself to answer the question for me and I start to feel my blood simmer.
“Excuse me?” I ask, hoping that my voice is steady enough to come off as if I’m not about to reach over and strangle the bitch.
“You’re a virgin, aren’t you?” she smirks at me, twisting her hair around her finger. My fingers clench around my Corona and I’m pretty sure I’m right on the verge of breaking the damn bottle.
“Dude, T is not a virgin!” Trey yells out. Morgan’s gaze doesn’t move from mine, her smile only growing bigger.
“Are you a virgin, Tanith?” she asks bluntly, in front of everyone. I feel the tension in the room escalate so that the only thing can be heard it the soft hum of the engine. Everyone’s holding their breath, waiting on pins and needles. The silence starts to dwell on me and after a good minute, I decide now is a better time than any.
Fuck it.
“You know what?” I start, unfolding my legs and sitting up straight, slamming my beer onto the table and causing everyone to jump a little. “Yeah, I am.”
Silence continues to bloom over the atmosphere as I take in everyone’s shocked reaction… except for Justin’s. I refuse to look at him. I mean, it’s enough that I’m actually admitting this to a group of people on a fucking tour bus in the middle of nowhere with no place to run to or hide; much less all the while having to admit it to a guy I’m starting to have real feelings for.
“Wait, you’re joking… right?” Trey laughs awkwardly, breaking the silence.
“Yeah, T. Are you fucking with us?” Frankie tries to join in.
“No, I’m not,” I let out easily, letting out a sigh before I continue. “I’ve never had sex on a plane, in a car, or in the bathroom at some club, or on a fucking rollercoaster. I’ve never had slow sex, fast sex, rough sex, kinky sex. I’ve never, had sex… period.”
The deafening silence returns as everyone kind of just filters their eyes throughout the room, trying to quietly communicate to each other in hopes that I don’t notice or much worse, freak out. It’s almost as if they’d never heard the word “virgin” before. I mean, I guess all things considered, being a 25-year-old virgin these days isn’t necessarily the trend and I can’t blame them for being surprised. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not as though I haven’t had the temptation or haven’t had any sexual experiences… I just haven’t quite exactly gone all the way.
I almost want to laugh at how big of a deal they’re all making this out to be, but my brain keeps coming back to Justin.
It’s not that I’m particularly worried that it’s going to affect his opinion of me because I’m proud of the decisions I’ve made about sex and I know that Justin’s not that kind of person; but I’m not stupid. I know the guy’s probably had plenty of ass throughout the short span of his life… but I can’t help but wonder how and if this little revelation will affect whatever it is that we have going on between us. I know that Justin doesn’t expect anything of me and vice versa, and I know that our relationship isn’t remotely close to factoring in the complex idea of sex. I mean hell, we’re not even official or exclusive… but I just can’t help wondering how this is going to impact things.
The saddest part about all this? We still haven’t kissed.
Here I am admitting my sex woes, or lack thereof, and we have yet to commit one of the first acts of physical intimacy. I think that it’s just gotten to the point where we’ve waited too damn long to do it and now we’ve stalled into some kind of non-kissing purgatory. Although I can’t say that I’m surprised, considering our relationship has been a bitch to jump-start since the beginning.
I hear someone clear their throat and I break away from my thoughts. My eyes follow the sound and land on Justin, and the look on his face is unreadable. I feel myself start to get uneasy until a voice rings out.
“Well shit T, props to you girl!” Trey laughs with his eyebrows raised, the tension in the small area starting to drain.
“Yeah, for real,” Marty chimes in, “… there ain’t a lot of girls like you left.”
“Thanks,” I smile to the both of them. I look to my left to see Caylee still gawking at me and I can’t help but laugh. “You okay?”
“I just… I can’t believe it!” she shakes her head furiously at me. “You’re so…”
“I’m so what?” I smirk at her, enjoying how flustered she’s getting over this. She holds her breath as she searches for words, flailing her hands all around her face.
“Sassy!” she finally shrieks. “You’re like, the sassiest person ever! And you haven’t had SEX!”
Everyone laughs loudly at her outburst and I pat her thigh, “I think everyone’s well aware of that now, Cay. But thanks for reiterating it so eloquently for me.”
“Seriously T, even I’ve done the dirty,” Ryan jokes, and I narrow my eyes at him with a smile because I know he’s teasing me. I’m sure everyone’s going to be teasing me by the end of the day and throughout the rest of the damn tour.
My eyes flicker to Justin who’s staring at me intently, and I don’t know why but a tingle of uncertainty shoots down my spine. I feel the bus slow to a stop and I silently thank God for the little break I know I’m about to get.
“Alright kids,” I hear Alan yell from the front of the bus, “…we’re gassing up!”
Sighs of relief can be heard all around and little outbursts of excitement can be felt as people start to file out of the cramped space and off the bus. As I move to get up from the couch, Morgan brushes her way past me and I give her a tight smile. I don’t know what her objective was when she called me out earlier, but I feel a sense of triumph when she glares back at me.
“Damn, her plan must’ve backfired,” I hear Justin playfully joke as he stares at me from the spot he’s been in for the past 20 minutes, his arms still folded, legs crossed, casually leaning against the counter. I stretch my arms over my head and grin at him.
“Yeah, I don’t think she expected a comeback like that.” Justin chuckles and continues to stare at me as I shove my hands into my hoodie.
“Wanna walk?” he asks, nudging his head toward the front of the bus. I silently nod my head and make my way towards the door. I hop down the stairs and close my eyes for a brief moment, appreciating the smell and the feel of open air. A couple seconds later, Justin’s hand is on the small of my back and I open my eyes to see him smiling at me. I offer a small smile back as we start to walk towards the small park next to the gas station.
“So…” he starts and I lift my head to give him a bored expression.
“That’s how you’re starting this conversation?” Justin laughs softly, shoving his hands into his pockets of his sweatpants.
“Cut me some slack here, T… I’ve never had to have a talk like this before.”
“What, you’ve never talked about sex before?” I toy with him and he gives me a cocky look back.
“No, it’s the not having sex part that’s throwing me off.”
“Ah, I see,” I laugh back. “… well, there’s a first time for everything.”
“Apparently,” Justin states more seriously as we stop short of a picnic table. I hoist myself up onto the side of the table so my legs can dangle off the edge, and I sigh as Justin moves closer to stand between them.
“Look, if it makes you feel uncomfortable or weird or whatever, I understand,” I let out quickly, my eyes focusing on anything but him.
“Tanith, I’m not gonna lie,” he chuckles lightly, “… it’s not an easy situation for me.”
“Okay, well then that’s that,” I shrug nonchalantly, trying hard to disregard the small feeling of dejection coursing through my veins. I hear Justin sigh as he looks away and over my shoulder.
“C’mon, don’t do that.”
“What?” I ask stupidly. He shakes his head before meeting my gaze.
“Don’t play dumb either, T,” he firmly presses and I slide my tongue over my teeth in faint frustration.
“What do you want me to say, Justin?” I ask, my eyes piercing into his as much as they can in the dark of the night. “I’m a virgin. You’re not. The end.”
I watch him sigh heavily as he brings a hand up to rub over the back of his head and I know he’s starting to get impatient with me. But what am I supposed to do? Tell him how great it would be to fuck him but I can’t because I’m not ready and I don't know when I will be ready? I don’t think so.
“Look, Tanith,” he starts, “...yeah, I’m not a virgin. And yeah, forgive me if I was a little fucking shocked to find out that you were. But Jesus, do you really think that’s what I’m concerned with right now?”
I shrug my shoulders like an idiot because I don’t know how else to respond. I swallow hard when Justin steps in closer and rests his hands on my thighs.
“Sex isn’t what I wanted from you in the beginning, T,” he continues softly, “… and it’s not all I want in the end either.”
As the words leave his lips, I see the sincerity in his eyes and I push myself to be rational. I force myself to be realistic because I know that if I don’t, it’s going to end up fucking us over somewhere down the road. I may be a virgin, but I know that sex is a big component in a relationship.
“It’s just not that simple, J,” I let out, slipping my hands out of my hoodie to rub them over my tired face. “God, I don’t even know why we’re talking about this!”
“We’re talking about this because it’s important,” Justin replies softly, taking my hands from my face into his much larger ones. I shake my head and give a spiteful laugh.
“Important?” I ask in mocking tone. “We haven’t even fucking kissed, Justin. Fuck, we’re not even together!”
My palms slap onto the table next to my legs as I curl my fingers around the edge to gain some kind of stability. This conversation and the fact that we’re even having it is beyond me, and I’m fighting every urge not to just brush him off and walk away because I know that he’s really trying. And ever since the show in Miami, I’ve been trying too…really, I have.
My eyes slowly move back to his and I can almost see him pleading with me, begging me to let him get just one foot in the door. The moon is casting a soft glow on his features and I swear I can see his bright blue eyes sparkling even in the midst of the dark night. I shiver when he moves forward and runs his hands up my thighs and to my sides until he finally reaches up to cup my face so that we’re only inches apart.
And I know it’s about to happen... it's finally about to happen.
I watch as he leans forward and nudges his nose with mine, his eyes now dancing in the moonlight as he continues to keep them focused on me. I smile a little bit at the action and can feel his warm breath tenderly blowing against my mouth. My hands clench against the table and my eyelids start to flutter shut when he grazes his soft lips against mine, not putting any pressure but just touching, taking his time.
His thumbs sweep gently over my cheekbones as he tilts my head ever so slightly before resting his forehead against mine. My breathing is coming in short breaths and I literally want to burst out of my body, but I wait. I wait because it’s been so long and I know it’s going to be so good… I know that it’s going to be a big step.
When I feel like I can’t take it anymore, I feel Justin’s lips start to curve around mine and I fucking brace myself because we’re so close. This is it…
“YO! Guys we gotta go!”
I feel Justin freeze… and it takes everything in me not to scream out in anguish. Of. Fucking. Course.
My eyes pop open to see Justin’s squeezed shut in frustration, his forehead still resting against mine but his hands no longer cupping my face. I can hear Marty yelling for us in the distance but my ears can barely make out what he’s saying. I jump when I feel Justin’s fist knock against the wood of the picnic table and I resist the urge to break the fucking table in half myself.
I watch him open his eyes slowly and I bite the inside of my cheek to keep my eyes from watering. When he pulls back to look at me I know that he knows we just lost a big moment. He sighs deeply and his eyebrows knit in disappointment.
“T…” he tries to reason with me, but I will it away. I lick my lips and press them tightly together… and like clockwork, my natural instincts, the ones I’ve been trying so hard to suppress, automatically kick in.
“Let’s just go.”
And just like that, it’s another step forward and another two back.
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