“Justin,” she breathily pants into my ear. Fuck, I’m going to come.
God, tonight has been so awesome. Forget all the shit I was thinking about earlier today, being alone and all that shit. So what if I can’t find that one girl? I have a whole third-world country full of chicks that want to get me inside of them. Women were all over me tonight, and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t mind. I actually craved it.
Oh yeah, I definitely had sexy ladies all over the floor tonight… and I’m definitely taking it off right now.
As my head drops back against the headboard, I squeeze my eyes shut in hopes to last just a little bit longer. I can hear her moans getting louder and higher, and it takes everything inside of me to restrain myself from flipping us over and just start pounding into her.
I suddenly feel her hands on my face and her lips on mine as the taste of tequila forces it’s way back into my mouth. Jesus, I can’t even guess how many drinks I’ve had tonight, and I’m pretty sure she has no idea how much she’s had either. But one thing’s for damn sure… this was definitely unexpected.
“Are you close,” she moans over me, squeezing me real tight inside her to the point where the words catch in my throat and I’m forced to nod my head.
I reach around her slim waist to grab a hold of her ass and thrust up real hard. Damn, I don’t know how I’ve been able to hold out this long. It’s been about two months since I’ve had sex and even though I’ve been occupied with the tour, it’s about time I got a good fuck.
The first waves of euphoria wash over me and I let out a loud groan as I feel her walls contract around my dick in return. With one last yell of my name, I feel her release, causing me to lurch forward and let go as well.
After a couple minutes our breathing slows back into its normal pace and without saying anything, she carefully slips off of me and rolls underneath the covers. Silence soon fills the dark room and I’m pretty sure both of us are wondering how the hell we could have let this happen. I mean, I guess it’s not too hard to figure out but seriously, this could cause some serious shit to go down.
I feel the bed shift and I can feel her eyes boring into the side of my head. I know I should say something and be somewhat comfortable about this whole situation, but instead I feel completely exposed and awkward. And even though we’ve just committed the most intimate act two people could ever do together, the fact that I’m still laying here naked on top of the covers isn’t helping my anxiety.
“Justin,” her soft voice pierces the quiet air. I sigh inwardly at the conversation that I know will lead towards dangerous territory and roll my head towards her. Her elbow is bent and her head is propped up on her hand, and she’s looking down at me intensely.
“Yeah?” Fuck, this is so not going to be good.
“What… what just happened?” Seriously. I can already feel the massive hangover I’m going to have tomorrow morning bearing down on me right now.
“We don’t have to do this right now,” I reply gently, hoping that she'll maybe get the hint. Her eyes glance away from mine and take the opportunity to shift my eyes back towards the ceiling because to be honest, I’m still feeling a pretty good buzz and I don’t want to have this conversation with her while I’m still a little drunk. As if this situation isn’t bad enough already.
“I want to do this right now. Look at me, Justin,” I hear her voice out. Shit, it’s that tone. The tone that makes me want to roll my eyes and tell her to fuck off.
I sigh in annoyance and sit up to look for my boxers. Finding them at the foot of the bed, I lean over to snatch them up and shuffle them back on. If I’m having this conversation, then at least I’m going to have it decently. I don’t think it would help to have my dick just hanging out when I tell her that us having sex was a really fucking bad idea. Pushing my back up against the headboard, I cross my arms against my chest and look down at her still propped up head.
“Fine. I’m gonna level with you, Cam. We had sex and it was great. Do I still have feelings for you? I don’t really know. All I know is that it’s my birthday, we had a few drinks and I wanted to have sex.”
Fuck, I guess there's no way around this conversation without sounding like a complete douche-bag. Her gaze doesn’t break from mine and a minute passes before she speaks.
“Did you want to have sex with me or did you just want to have sex?” God damn-it. This is exactly why I didn’t want to go down this road, and I know I’m about to go off.
“Fuck Cameron, I don’t fucking know, alright?!” I explode. “God, I.. it’s my birthday and I wanted some ass! Call me a fucking asshole, but that’s the truth! I can’t sort all this shit out while I’m fucking drunk!”
I hoist myself off the bed and begin to pace. I’m trying to keep myself from completely lashing out on her because I have a lot of pent up frustration just from stress and all the shit that’s been running through my mind lately; but damn, she is really tempting me right now.
“That’s all you can say? That you ‘don’t fucking know’,” I hear her mock me. “I come here for your birthday after not seeing you for 3 months and we have sex! I don’t fucking care how drunk we were, I’m sure we were both pretty aware of the situation! So don’t just stand there and tell me you don’t fucking know!”
My head feels like it’s about to pop off and I press my palms against my eyes before turning to face her. She’s standing in front of me now, the bed sheet wrapped tightly around her thin frame. I can see the frustration in her eyes and it hurts me to think that after how we ended things, this is what we’ve come back to. I don’t want it to be like this between us and I know she doesn’t either, so I need to find a way to compose myself. Looking down at the floor, I place my hands on my waist before taking a deep breath and bringing my eyes back to hers.
“Look, Cam… I, I’m sorry that this happened, okay? And I’m sorry if that offends you in any way, but you know that this was a mistake. I know that we left things open between us and that’s great and all, but look at us… look at where we are right now. Shit girl, I don’t even think we fought like this when we were together.”
Cameron lets out a light laugh and I feel myself smile a little, and I already feel some weight being lifted off my shoulders. She pulls the sheet tighter against her body and purses her lips together. I can see her thinking hard about what she’s going to say next and I wait patiently until she's ready because I already know what's coming.
“I think we should be done with all of this. I… you’re right, J. It was a mistake, leaving things the way we did, so open…” she trails off, shaking her head and looking away. My heart aches a familiar pain and I pull her into me, wrapping my arms around her and pressing my cheek up against the side of her head.
“It’s just too complicated this way, ya’ know?” I whisper into her ear, and I feel her nod against my chest.
Even though I could possibly still have feelings for Cameron, I know that this is the best decision for our relationship; especially since I’ve been so confused about my emotions towards women in general. And as we stand silently and still embraced, I feel a sense of closure and realization.
I’ve been looking at this whole relationship thing the wrong way.
For the entirety of my dating experience, I’ve always had options. Jesus, I even wrote a song about it. I just, I’ve always felt like it was my responsibility to find ‘the one’. And I know I’m about to sound really cliché and like a big pussy right now, but maybe love chooses you. And I don’t know, maybe there is a little bit of accountability on my part to make that first, initial move; but maybe that’s all it takes. Maybe the rest will just take care of itself.
And maybe, if I’m right and really lucky, love will choose me.
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