I want to kiss him. I really, really fucking do. But I can’t.
And it’s frustrating the shit out of me.
It’s been a couple weeks now that Justin and I have had our ‘thing’ going on, and even though I’m enjoying it, I’m starting to get a little antsy. We’ve cuddled, we’ve held hands, we’ve slept together… and when I say, “slept together”, I literally mean slept together. It still felt good though; spooning, his strong arms wrapped around me, his thick body against mine.
But all this and we have yet to kiss. No peck on the lips, no kiss on the cheek… nothing. Maybe a kiss on the forehead once in a while, but what does that really mean? I mean c’mon, people kiss their dogs on the forehead.
What makes it even worse is that we both know we want to and neither of us is making the move. Don’t get me wrong, plenty of opportunities have passed us by and we’ve certainly gotten close to actually doing it, but one person always pulls away at the very last minute.
God, I can’t remember the last time I’ve wanted to kiss someone so badly; hell, I don’t even think there has ever been a time that I’ve wanted to kiss someone this bad. I’m beginning to think that God is punishing me for something I’ve done. And trust me, if I could ask the big man upstairs what I did to deserve such torture, I would. I would fucking beg, grovel, commit myself to solving world hunger and peace… anything to feel those lips on mine, even if it’s just for a second.
Shit.
I knew… I fucking knew this would happen. I knew that I would get this attached and infatuated with him; but it’s happening a lot sooner than I thought it would. We haven’t even been on a damn date yet.
God, I am so screwed.
“Hey Tan-Tan,” I hear Caylee’s familiar, chirpy voice ring out. One of my eyes slowly slips opens underneath my sunglasses, the blazing sunlight making it hard to focus on her face.
“Hi, Cay,” I offer a tight smile as she settles into the reclined patio chair next to me.
“You enjoying the Miami sun?” I sigh deeply and settle further into my chair.
“Hell yeah I am. It’s been a while since we’ve been anywhere relatively warm.”
“I know, right?” she agrees enthusiastically before sighing. “This makes me miss LA though.”
“Seriously… I’m dying for an In N Out burger,” I say wistfully. Caylee lets out a giggle and I smile at the sound.
Over the past few months, Caylee’s kind of become my vice. And to be honest, it surprised me because she’s definitely not the type of person I thought I would ever become such close friends with. She’s extremely bubbly and optimistic, and almost borderline ADD. But there’s something oddly refreshing and genuine about her that I really dig.
“So did you hear that Trace and Rachael are coming in today?” she asks curiously in that high pitched voice of hers, and I know that she’s trying to get something out of me. Keeping my eyes closed, I grin, tilting my head towards the sky, enjoying the feel of the warm rays of sun radiating on my face.
“Yeah, Justin mentioned something about that,” I answer simply, not giving into her bait. I hear her huff loudly as my smile grows wider.
“Ugh, c’mon Tan-Tan, you have to give me something!” she whines playfully. I can feel her eyes burning into the side of my head and I just shake my head absently at her.
Justin actually did more than just ‘mention’ Trace and Rachael’s arrival to me. One night before falling asleep, he softly whispered the idea of me maybe meeting some of his “people”. And yes, he called them his “people”. I laughed lightly at the statement and was slightly confused considering I had “met” Trace and Rachael on numerous occasions before and throughout the tour. Assuming he was just kidding, I laughed it off but when my ears were met with silence, I suddenly became aware of the fact that he was being serious.
Needless to say, the day has finally come for me to really get to know some of the most important people in Justin’s life and I can honestly say that I’m not nervous. I mean, it’s not like I’ve never met them before. I think I’m more anxious and curious than I am nervous. Actually, I think that Justin is more nervous about me meeting them than I am.
“What do you want me to say?” I finally respond.
“I don’t know! But c’mon, Tan… you have to admit that that’s a big deal!” she all but squeals. I purse my lips and turn my head slightly to face her.
“Alright, it’s a little bit of a big deal,” I reluctantly agree.
“Thank you! Gosh, you are so difficult!” she complains, turning over in her chair to lay on her stomach.
“Finally, someone agrees with me,” a masculine voice responds out of nowhere. My head tilts back against the chair and I’m met with Justin’s smirking face looking down at me.
“Hilarious,” I bite back sarcastically.
“Hi, J-Bear!” Caylee sings as Justin and I turn to face her, amused.
“J-Bear?” I ask, eyebrows raised. Caylee squints her eyes toward Justin.
“Yeah, I don’t know where that came from… sorry,” she sheepishly apologizes before closing her eyes again and I hear Justin chuckle.
“It’s alright, ‘Cay-Bear’,” he jokes back before making his way around the chair, patting my legs in an attempt to make room for himself. I move up the chair as he takes a seat on the end, placing my legs over his lap. “So you excited?”
“For what?” I ask dumbly, knowing exactly what he was referring to.
“Girl, you know what I’m talkin’ about!” I grin at him before nodding.
“Yeah, yeah, I know. And of course I’m excited,” I genuinely answer. I watch Justin’s face spread into a smile and I smile back.
“I talked to Rachael this morning before they took off and she’s really excited to get to know you,” he perks up. I shift slightly as I move my sunglasses off my face and perch them on top of my head so I can really look at him.
“You know, you don’t have to do that,” I reply quietly, keeping aware of the fact that Caylee is surely listening in next to us. It’s not that I mind her knowing because I know she’s not the sell-out type, but I just don’t want her getting any more ideas in that crazy head of hers.
“What’re you talking about,” Justin responds, a little irked. I shrug, my eyes still trying to adjust to sun.
“Nothing… I just- you don’t need to reassure me. I’m fine,” I draw out, looking into his eyes for good measure. “Really.”
Justin narrows his eyes and shakes his head slightly, “Reassure you?”
“Yeah. You’ve been doing it for the past couple of days,” I reason, beginning to get a little annoyed myself. Has he seriously not noticed?
“Well, I thought that you’d just like to know,” he says with more attitude than I would have liked to pick up on. My eyes zone in to his hoping to find some sort of answer to why he’s all of a sudden becoming so pissy.
“Look, J…” I begin slowly, trying to keep my voice light, “It’s not that I don’t appreciate it or am happy to know that your friends want to get to know me. I’m just saying that you don’t need to keep making me aware of it.”
Justin glances back towards Caylee who is now staring intently at the both of us. I turn my head towards her and give her a pleading look and she sighs exaggeratively.
“Well, I think I’ve gotten enough sun for today,” Caylee all but smoothly covers as she gets up from her chair. “I’ll see you kids later!”
I watch her walk off as Justin and I are left alone, and it isn’t long until his voice breaks the tension filled silence.
“What do you mean by making you ‘aware’ of it?” he asks briskly. I shake my head as I move my legs off his lap, scooting up and sitting Indian style in the chair to get some distance.
“You’ve been harping about Trace and Rachael being ‘so excited’ and ‘so stoked’ to meet me and I’m beginning to wonder if you’re doing it for me or for yourself,” I let out pretty harshly, my frustrations starting to get the best of me.
I hear him scoff lightly as he forcefully turns his body to fully face mine. “And what the hell does that mean?”
“Ugh,” I groan out, removing my sunglasses from my head so I can run my hands through my hair angrily to relieve some of the irritation that is soon to boil over. “Forget it! Just… forget I said anything.”
“No! Say what you gotta say, T!” I hear Justin lash back towards me.
“Do you seriously not get it? God Justin, you have been on my fucking ass about Trace and Rachael for the past four days! And yeah, at first it was really sweet and comforting, but now it’s becoming ridiculous!”
“Oh, so me wanting to let you know how excited my friends are to meet you is ridiculous? What, do you not want to meet them?” he asks wittingly.
“No!” I yell out; and before I can stop myself, I feel all my pent up frustration bubble up and I lose it. “I’m saying that I think you have a fucked up need to be constantly reassured!”
And like slow motion, the very second that the last word fell out of my mouth, I could see Justin’s face immediately fall and I know that I just fucked up. Big time.
“Fuck,” I hear myself quietly mumble before shutting my eyes slowly in hopes to gain back my composure. I feel the chair shift and I’m praying to God that he didn’t leave. After a few seconds of silence, my eyes peel back open to land on Justin still sitting at the end of the chair, back hunched over, arms over his knees, hands clasped tightly, and head hung.
My mind is spinning of what he could possibly be thinking right now, but I know that whatever it is, it sure as hell ain’t good. But before I can even start to organize my thoughts and begin to apologize, the faint melody of Stevie Wonder’s, ‘I Just Called To Say I Love You’, hums quietly in the tension-filled air.
Great, perfect timing.
Normally I would laugh and make fun of the amusing ring tone Justin has preset for Trace, but I don’t think either of us is in the mood for shits and giggles. God, could this situation get any worse?
I watch Justin as he clenches his jaw while fishing his phone out of his pocket. The song quickly comes to an end as he answers.
“Hey, you guys here yet?” he immediately asks as if he was stuck on deserted island and help was on its way.
Shit, he is really pissed.
I continue to stare intently, trying to catch a glimpse of that excitement that I just squashed a couple minutes ago. I watch as he clenches and unclenches his fist while gripping his phone tightly against his ear.
“Yeah, that sounds good man. We got some downtime before the show anyways… yeah.” He gives me a quick glance over before looking away and replying. “Uh, maybe… she- there uhm, there might be some change of plans.”
Well there isn’t really any other way to take that, is there?
I feel my body slump against the chair and all of a sudden the sun doesn’t feel so great anymore. I hear Justin end his conversation with Trace as I look down and fiddle with my sunglasses between my fingers. I half expect him to just get up and leave, and I’m surprised that he hasn’t yet. Shit, if the roles were reversed I would have already slapped him and told him to go fuck himself.
I shift my gaze back to Justin’s still tense form and he clears his throat, looking straight ahead. “They just landed.”
That little bit of information livens me up just a little bit. I mean, he had to have said that for a reason, right?
“Jus-”
“I’ll see you later,” he cuts me off before pushing himself up and walking away as I’m left alone to process my thoughts.
What the hell just happened?
Author's Chapter Notes:
Guess what... update! Since I've been so terrible about updating, I though I'd pump this one out for all you loyal readers.
I'm splitting this chapter into two parts because it's a little bit too long than I'd like to be just all one chapter. Hopefully part 2 will be up sometime before the end of the weekend, but once again-- I can't make any promises!
Anyways, thanks again for all the feedback (keep it coming!) and I hope you enjoy!
I'm splitting this chapter into two parts because it's a little bit too long than I'd like to be just all one chapter. Hopefully part 2 will be up sometime before the end of the weekend, but once again-- I can't make any promises!
Anyways, thanks again for all the feedback (keep it coming!) and I hope you enjoy!
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