I sat at the table that was mine in the office me and JC shared as I had one hand on my stomach and the other on the mouse rereading for the thousandth time about how many children surivied after the mother had the same treatment done.

“None past three months,” I read my hope still glimmering a little but it faded a degree as I read that out loud even though I knew it before I had read it, since this was probably my thousanth time reading the darn thing anyways.

Pulling open a blank docuemtn page I started to write, I wrote first about my memory of Logan and than lead it up to what was going on and what I was going through, than all the back memories. That well to me weren’t really memories they were stories I was told and made to believe were my life.

Taking a breath I shook that thought away I couldn’t think like that.

Finishing up what I had wrote I heard a knock on the door turning I smiled when Jc held sleepy Logan in his arms.

“He wanted to say goodnight,” he told me as I got up and rubbed back the hairs on my son’s head.

I had told Jc about remembering my first ultrasound with Logan when I had gotten home earler that day.

He had hugged me and kissed my face all over, making me laugh but I still was in shock over it cause I really didn’t know what to think of it all at the moment.

“Could I tuck him in,” I questioned and Jc nodded and waved with his free hand to follow him.

Watching as JC placed him in the bed I came over to him and smiled when he grabbed my hand through his sleepy eyes.

“Night mommy,” he said with a yawn.

“Night buddy, sleep tight ok,” I said pulling the blanket up and handing him his stuffed doggie but he shook his head.

“You keep for baby,” he said pointing towards my belly near his free hand that didn’t hold mine.

I bit my lip and tried not the let the tears fall.

“But Bruce is your puppy,” I told him.

“I give him to baby,” Logan said with another yawn as he let go of my hand and turned on his side.

“Well thank you,” I said feeling JC’s hand on my shoulder.

I kissed Logan’s forehead.

“Love you mommy,” he said.

“I love you too, mister,” I said pinching his sides to which he giggled and pushed my hand away.

“Night buddy,” JC said running a hand over his hair but he got no response because he was already out like a light.

Walking towards the door we turned his nightlight on and shut the door half way.

“How did you know the dog’s name was Bruce,” JC asked me as we walked down the hall.

“Didn’t Logan or you call him that,” I asked and JC shook his head.

“Not since before,” he said stopping me in the hallway right in our doorway.

“I don’t know,” I said looking up at him.

JC smiled at me at the same time his hand rested on my stomach as he leaned against the door frame and I leaned against him.

“I guess the medicine is working,” he said.

“I guess,” I said with a sigh as I placed my hand over his.

“We’ll be ok,” he said with a smile as he kissed my cheek right under my eye.

--

It had been a couple months and the treatment and my pre-natal meds had become a normal part of my daily life that it felt weird when I sat in the doctor’s office and heard what he said he wanted me to do.

“I want you to stop taking the other meds only your pre-natal’s,” he said after running some test and asking how my memory and been, and me explaining how sometimes I actually remembered things and sometimes I said things or did things out of memory, not realizing I knew them or shouldn’t have with my case.

Seeing my look he explained, “You see these test have shown that the medicine isn’t doing anything to your system, but the shots are, so I want to see if maybe the shots are all you need.”

“I thought you said the shots didn’t work without the pills,” I asked and he nodded.

“They shouldn’t but in your case they are, or it looks like they are,” he said.

“So you want me to stop taking the pills to see if in fact the shots are working and its not the pills that are making them work,” I questioned and he nodded his head.

“Is it sad that my head hurts knowing that I understood that,” I questioned the doctor who only laughed.

“I think it sad that either of us do,” he said with a smile but than explain to me what the next steps would be if what he thought was true.

“So does that mean I might be able to keep my baby,” I asked.

“I’m not sure, in all the test we’ve done and how the pills effect different people at different rates we aren’t able to determine how much of the pills effects are in result to termination to the pregnancy or the baby after its born, I’m sorry,” he said when I all I did was nod.

With that news I thanked the doctor and headed out and as I headed to my car I heard the snaps of the camera and looking up I saw about three paparazzi walking around me.

They only called my name asked how far along I was, but nothing else.

I didn’t acknowledge them I didn’t say anything I just found my keys to my car in my bag and got in and pulled out.

Sitting at a red light I played through the scene in my head and shook my head with a smile.

“Great, now I’m gonna hear the next rumor that I’m sad that I’m pregnant or something,” I said remembering a story from when, I was pregnant with Logan since me and JC hadn’t been married at the time.

Wait did I remember that or did I just consider that because I saw Logan in the wedding video that I some how found time to watch once a day if not on tv in my head.

Thinking about the wedding video again, as I drove home I thought for moment about how much I had remember seeing on the tape and how much I was thinking up at the moment.

“ I need to get home and watch that tape,” I said remembering my mom talking to me as my friends helped me put my wedding dress on and my dad giving me the sad eye before he walked down the isle.

Smiling a little to myself I remembered a saying my grandmother once said, “You cant go wrong with a little bit of hope,” I said out loud as I pulled off the freeway and headed towards the streets which lead to the community that the house was in.