I think the thing I forget sometimes is how much fun me and Justin used to have back in the day, before I had money troubles and academic worries and all that shit.
It’s sad, really – you get to college and you think adulthood is going to consist of all these new opportunities and freedoms blossoming out before you in a rainbow of possibility. You do get those opportunities, but nobody tells you that included in the small print is a fuck lot of responsibility, worry and strife. It fills me with dread that people say these are the best years of your life, because I find it hard enough coping now. If it gets worse I think my head is going to implode.
That’s why days like these are nice, because these are the days that are really good. Tom decided not to come along after all - I think he and Justin must have had a disagreement or something because Justin keeps kinda glaring at him, just a quick little flick of his eye before he looks away again. It’s a shame because the whole point was to do something just the three of us, but me and Justin are getting along without him. Today has been a blast.
We blew off all our classes except Shakespeare this morning; for obvious reasons, I cannot afford to miss that class even if I’m dying. I managed a princely B on our last assignment, which is improvement, so we hopped in the car and headed out to Colville, which is the next town over. It’s somewhere a little different to hang out, slightly different sights. I had to drive Justin’s car (I can’t afford to run my own) and he looked a little pale when he saw my lack of parallel parking skills, but we managed to get here unscathed and we’ve spent the last couple of hours taking it easy, strolling around as fast as he can hobble (which isn’t very, but that’s okay).
I helped him pick out some new sneakers from Foot Locker, and he was very happy to trail around the second hand stores with me. I was a little embarrassed for a second, until his eagle eye spotted the most fantastic pair of leopard print stilettos. I know leopard print sounds tacky, but I swear they are so cute. Practically new, too – I suspect whoever got rid of ‘em just couldn’t walk in the things. Such practicalities have never stopped me, however, and I treated myself with the twenty dollars I set aside for ‘me’ spending this pay check. I think the most I ever have been able to put aside for me is twenty bucks, and this is definitely going to be it for the rest of the month, but honestly compared to what it was before I’m just glad I’m managing to cover rent and utilities.
But yeah, back to the point, it was nice being able to be open with Justin about the whole thing. It really helped, seeing that he doesn’t give a shit. I can’t lie and say that the whole vapid, materialistic thing where half my friends treat me as a second class citizen because they found out I had to work for my money did great things for my confidence, so it’s great to have somebody I can be openly broke in front of who just doesn’t give a flying fuck. Once I’d spent my money that was it and we headed back to window shop in the more expensive places, and Justin treated me to lunch. If Taco Bell counts as actual food, which to be honest I suspect it doesn’t.
We then… okay, this is so frickin’ childish, but we went to the park and headed for the swing set. We were having competitions to see who could get highest, and if his knee hadn’t been busted we so would have been doing the ‘who can jump furthest’ competition. This then devolved into ‘when I was a kid’ stories, some of which were amusingly embarrassing (like the time Justin accidentally saw up some girl’s skirt and being young and unaware was worried that she didn’t have a penis and went to his mother really concerned about her, that one made me double up in agony I laughed so hard).
It’s been cool just chilling with him again – lately we haven’t been just hanging out, it’s usually wound up in us having sex. That’s a good time and all, but I don’t want the benefits part to outweigh the friend part. He is my best pal, ya know.
That said, we’ve still been holding hands most of the day - people probably have been mistaking us for a couple. We usually walk along with our arms slung round each other anyway, but I always associated actual hand holding with being more romantic than that. Still, we haven’t discussed sex, dating, us having sex, there’s been no flirting, no nothing, it’s just us walking along and having a good time. It’s cool. We ought to do this more often.
“Ha, you have ice cream on your nose J!” If I wanted to ruin the whole just casual vibe I’d be naughty and remove it for him, but I don’t so I won’t.
He chuckles at me and wipes it off. I don’t know how he didn’t notice the cold and wet, but hey. I managed to come up with just enough change to treat us both to an ice cream cone; Justin tried to pay for it but I wouldn’t let him. He treats me enough, and maybe this is some silly pride thing but I just like to let him know that if I could afford it then I would be reciprocating more often. Sometimes I envy him – he’s not flush with cash, but he’s comfortable. He can’t afford everything, or even anything too expensive, but he doesn’t have to think twice about Starbucks or getting a drink at the Union. I really do envy that.
“Waste of good ice cream,” he says. “You should have had this Oreo stuff, it’s amazing.”
“No, if there are M&Ms to be had I must have them. It’s a compulsive thing.”
We’re sat on a bench outside the mall now, having wandered back this way because the car’s in the lot here. We’re probably going to have to leave soon; we said we’d have dinner at the apartment with Tom and Kia. It’s a shame - I was having a great time.
“You are a compulsive person.” He snorted.
“What? No I’m not?”
“M&Ms, dangerous shoes,” he points to my bag, “Ed Taylor, that weird thing you do with checking the locks before we leave the apartment…”
“Wait, back up.” I’m going to regret this, I’m sure. “Ed?”
“It has to be a compulsion.” He informs me with a long suffering expression on his face, tugging at the strap on my dress. “You don’t even like him that much; you told me that yourself, so it can’t be anything else making you go back.”
“Well, what about you and Stacey?” I counter. Why is it that whenever we each try and talk to the other about their other half that it turns into this whole ‘yeah well what about you’ situation?
“I know I complain about the sex…” Man, already I’m wishing I hadn’t started this because I still find it weird thinking about them having this awful, clumsy liaison he’s described to me. “But I do actually like Stacey and enjoy her company. Whereas you seem to think Ed’s a total asshole, which is why I will never understand the attraction.”
“Well…”
Dammit, why do I have no response to that? I just… it… it’s more complicated than that…especially since I pretty much dumped Ed this morning and haven’t been responding to his text messages. It’s funny, NOW all of a sudden he seems awfully keen to keep in touch. Previously I couldn’t even get him to pick up calls, let alone make them.
It’s also a weird conversation because… okay… Stacey asked me for sex advice. I know - that has to be the most ironic thing ever, right? It was very roundabout and it’s not like she actually said the words…but I got the picture. She was trying to dig for information on Justin’s past experience and sad to say I could probably give her a fairly accurate description even before I myself slept with him, but it was just major league awkward. Not to mention I felt like a complete bitch, trying to reassure her in a similarly indirect tone while knowing that her boyfriend’s sleeping with me because she ain’t cuttin’ it.
Speaking of, it is really awkward when people do that. You don’t want to embarrass them by being blunt where they couldn’t be, but it is so awkward trying to phrase these things right.
“It’s your business, sweetness.” Justin tells me wearily, looking particularly fed up. I know it bugs him, the way Ed treats me, and I’m sure that’s only been exasperated by the fact we’re now having sex too. “I just don’t get it.”
“Well hey, you’ll be happy to know I’m single again. Ed is of the past.”
“He is?”
Okay, did he need to look quite so surprised? I’m not a complete pushover, you know. Tom was the same when he heard me talking to Ed (yes, I dumped him over the phone, yes I know that’s the coward’s way to do it but at least I didn’t leave him a post it note on his door, which is what happened to Eva one time).
“As if this morning.”
“Not because of… I’m sure he just forgot about my knee, Cara.”
I have to smirk, because I know how much it just pained him to stick up for the guy, he looks pissed with himself for even doing it.
“Maybe it was on purpose, maybe it wasn’t. But that’s just the kind of inconsiderate thing he does, he forgets these little details and it fucks everybody else over in the process - mostly me when I get left sitting there like a great big loser. I can’t deal with it any more. You were just the last straw – he could have done permanent damage if it had been the other knee.”
Justin goes really quiet for a minute or so. I hate it when he does this; he becomes pretty impenetrable, even for me. I say ‘even for me’ because as you probably gathered by now, I know him better than pretty much anybody except his folks back home.
During that awkward sex talk Stacey mentioned this little habit of his and I felt kind of bad when I considered how annoying it is for me, and he shuts me out a lot less than other people. On the one hand I know Stacey is young and lacking a little savvy when it comes to dating and that men need their space and they open up in time so long as you don’t push, but on the other I’ve been her and I know it’s just because she wants to be close and she cares.
When he finally snaps back to reality again, Justin puts his arm around my shoulders and hugs me, offering me a lick of his cone, which I accept. He presses a kiss on my temple and his lips are kind of cold.
“Promise me, sweetness, that your next boyfriend is going to be somebody who gives a shit about you?
He looks like he wants to say something else, but his better judgment is apparently telling him not to.
“Promise.” I smile weakly. I swear, I don’t mean to get myself into these crappy relationships that never last long, it just kinda happens. I’m sure at this point it has to be me at fault, but I’m damned if I get it.
What happens next is all kind of a blur. Justin kisses me and I kiss him back. Don’t think this is some huge romantic thing, it’s all part of the benefits (as is snuggling on the couch or having him rub my feet, which is great actually). It’s a comfort thing in this case, he’s just reassuring me I think.
But yeah…we break apart and there’s a frickin’ Pi Beta pointing her cell phone at us. That would be picture taking. She then glares at me and stomps off. Part of me wants to scoff that it’s just like a Pi Beta to assume it’s all my doing and to look at me because I’m just evil incarnate and completely spare Justin the same treatment, but the other part of me is too busy thinking ‘oh shit.’
No prizes for guessing which Pi Beta she’s going to immediately text that little picture to.
